---------The young ones what fond memories .Gary the bastard is here for no other reason than my mate Gary looks like sounds like and IS Ewan McGregor (yeah I know your all jealous) and I wanted him in here as he is such a big Young Ones fan .And he has the whole official BBC video collection .Gary Bastard is loosely based on Renton from Trainspotting,(Renton belongs to Irving Welsh.Gary currently is his own Rent-boy,) but you'll have to take that lawsuit up with the real Gary not me as he really DOES look like him .Hes even got the skinhead .As ever the young ones remain shining examples of what the good people at the BBC can accomplish and not what I can.---------
The gang are sitting around in the living room all except Neil who is sweeping in the kitchen .Viv is drinking from a bottle labelled "Baloiskis vodka. Touch this and die." Rik glances from the television and says,
"You know Vivian you really shouldn't have stolen Mr Balowskis Vodka, it's sure to have terrible results."
Rik is rewarded for his warning with a smack on the head from the bottle. As Neil enters the living room, broom still in hand. We see his grimy grey form being followed by a cloud of dust. The dust quickly fills the room, engulfing the boys. A chorus of spluttering follows. As the "dust" clears we see Mrs Vivian has entered the house, and what we thought was dust is in fact smoke from her cigarette, which she now stubs out on Rik's arm.
"Oww!" He exclaimed, leaping up. Frantically he searches for something to put out the flame searing his flesh, and motions to Viv who is holding a bottle of vodka .Viv being a true mate, spits at Rik. It lands upon his arm to a sigh of releaf Viv returns to his drink; no one is worth wasting good vodka; especially that crosdressing arse Rik. He wouldn't have bothered helping him, but who could pass up the chance to spit at Rik?
"Right Vivian I expect your wondering why i'm here." says Viv's mother glancing at her son. Without looking up Viv replies,
"Not really no. I expect you want money. Well if you do you can bloody well bugger off cause we haven't got any."
Viv mother puts on a look of mock horror
"Why you ungrateful little sod! Of all the nerve, after all I've done for you." she pauses,
"Well in that case I wont bother telling you your surprise."
"Surprise?" Viv looks up expectantly.
"Yup a surprise but it'll cost you"
Viv sighs "how much?"
"Tenner"
He grudgingly hands over the money and his mother stuffs it down her bra.
"Gary!" she shouts.
From the doorway steps a tall slender skinhead. He looks uncannily like Renton from trainspotting, but the boys do not notice this, as Trainspotting was only a drop in the nib of Irvine Welsh's pen at the time of the young ones. This guy has the same gormless junkie look as Renton, (gormless not meaning stupid, but in fact deep, soulful and lost in thought) and shares his good looks, sexual appeal, (lets just say if you take the best orgasm you've ever had multiply it by a thousand, then its still no where near what you know our Gary could do for you.) apart from his physical attributes he also, as we find when he opens his gob, shares the same broad Scots accent. But not an Edinburgh accent oh no, a Glaswegian.
"Are you Viv?"
"Yeah,"answers the red haired punk "what's it too you?"
"I'm your brother, Gary Bastard," the guy's head butt as a mutual sign of respect.
"Aye so, ma said that someone in this house was our father. Some real hunk but she was too drunk to remember who knocked her up."
Four flabbergasted expressions turn to Mike. Mike doesn't look up from the TV and coolly loosens his tie.
"Look here guys, now you know I'm not one to beat about the bush…"
"Yeah but whose bush? I mean we know you've seen a few saplings in your time mike but Viv's mother? Now that must be some withered gnarly specimen."Neil interrupts. (Being a hippie he knows quite a lot about various trees, plantlife and certain fungus. Basically he knew a guy who knew a guy who got high from licking mouldy bread.)
"If you're quite finished Neil what I was going to say was that as I don't beat about the bush…"
"Ahh Mike that's not what you told us."Viv adds snidely.
"Look shut it ok .Do you want to know who your father is or not."Viv shrugs but looks interested.
"Well as I was saying I'll tell you straight."
"Yeah Viv's living proof that your not a poof" this remark earned Rik a smack from Viv.
"If you're all quite finished guys I'll tell you this for nothing ok? It's true someone in this house is Viv's father. But it isn't me. Not that i'm not a virile young stud .its just well to be honest Viv and I didn't want to say it, I can get better women than your slag of a mother." Michael in fact knew he wasn't Viv's daddy the dates didn't make sense he hadn't dated Viv's mum until last weekend. But he had to come up with something that made him look good, what with that young Gary trying to step into his rank of sexiest guy in the house.
"That's quite alright Michael. Even Rik could get better than my mum. Here listen I know how to figure out who's my dad .we just find the guy with the scalding case of herpes."
From the toilet upstairs we hear a deep Glasgow voice in severe pain.
"Oh Jesus Christ pally .It burns! In the name of god oh how it burns!"
We must feel sorry for him; after all he did get it on with Viv's mother, (Shudder. Children run and hide.)
Viv and Gary's eyes light up. Together they raced up the stairs to greet their new father. The one, the only, S.P.G (Mr Special Patrol Group, esquire). As Viv stood, one arm round Gary the other round his daddy, he saw how his flaming red hair and anarchic streak made sense .As did Gary's Glaswegian accent. He reached for the vodka to Celebrate and handed it to Gary. As he did so Mr Baloiski burst through the door, a six-shooter in one hand.
"My Vodka! Ahh you will die Gary Bastard!"
(At this point I reserve the right to be sympathetic and not mention any detail of Gary's demise but I will say this. it was horridly bloody lasted hours and in that time it came out that Rik was Gay and Mike having never been with a woman decided to give him a go.)
When it was all over, a distraught tearful Viv(he claimed he'd been sniffing glue but we know the truth) covering his brothers body with a sheet turned to balowski and said "Didn't you kill my Brother?" Balowski answered, "isn't that my line?" at which point Gary rose from the dead and we discover that thewhole death was actually a publicity stunt for Alexi sayles new movie.imagine that!oh those mad capantics atthe young ones house!
THE END(but not for GaryBastard he shall live on)
The gang are sitting around in the living room all except Neil who is sweeping in the kitchen .Viv is drinking from a bottle labelled "Baloiskis vodka. Touch this and die." Rik glances from the television and says,
"You know Vivian you really shouldn't have stolen Mr Balowskis Vodka, it's sure to have terrible results."
Rik is rewarded for his warning with a smack on the head from the bottle. As Neil enters the living room, broom still in hand. We see his grimy grey form being followed by a cloud of dust. The dust quickly fills the room, engulfing the boys. A chorus of spluttering follows. As the "dust" clears we see Mrs Vivian has entered the house, and what we thought was dust is in fact smoke from her cigarette, which she now stubs out on Rik's arm.
"Oww!" He exclaimed, leaping up. Frantically he searches for something to put out the flame searing his flesh, and motions to Viv who is holding a bottle of vodka .Viv being a true mate, spits at Rik. It lands upon his arm to a sigh of releaf Viv returns to his drink; no one is worth wasting good vodka; especially that crosdressing arse Rik. He wouldn't have bothered helping him, but who could pass up the chance to spit at Rik?
"Right Vivian I expect your wondering why i'm here." says Viv's mother glancing at her son. Without looking up Viv replies,
"Not really no. I expect you want money. Well if you do you can bloody well bugger off cause we haven't got any."
Viv mother puts on a look of mock horror
"Why you ungrateful little sod! Of all the nerve, after all I've done for you." she pauses,
"Well in that case I wont bother telling you your surprise."
"Surprise?" Viv looks up expectantly.
"Yup a surprise but it'll cost you"
Viv sighs "how much?"
"Tenner"
He grudgingly hands over the money and his mother stuffs it down her bra.
"Gary!" she shouts.
From the doorway steps a tall slender skinhead. He looks uncannily like Renton from trainspotting, but the boys do not notice this, as Trainspotting was only a drop in the nib of Irvine Welsh's pen at the time of the young ones. This guy has the same gormless junkie look as Renton, (gormless not meaning stupid, but in fact deep, soulful and lost in thought) and shares his good looks, sexual appeal, (lets just say if you take the best orgasm you've ever had multiply it by a thousand, then its still no where near what you know our Gary could do for you.) apart from his physical attributes he also, as we find when he opens his gob, shares the same broad Scots accent. But not an Edinburgh accent oh no, a Glaswegian.
"Are you Viv?"
"Yeah,"answers the red haired punk "what's it too you?"
"I'm your brother, Gary Bastard," the guy's head butt as a mutual sign of respect.
"Aye so, ma said that someone in this house was our father. Some real hunk but she was too drunk to remember who knocked her up."
Four flabbergasted expressions turn to Mike. Mike doesn't look up from the TV and coolly loosens his tie.
"Look here guys, now you know I'm not one to beat about the bush…"
"Yeah but whose bush? I mean we know you've seen a few saplings in your time mike but Viv's mother? Now that must be some withered gnarly specimen."Neil interrupts. (Being a hippie he knows quite a lot about various trees, plantlife and certain fungus. Basically he knew a guy who knew a guy who got high from licking mouldy bread.)
"If you're quite finished Neil what I was going to say was that as I don't beat about the bush…"
"Ahh Mike that's not what you told us."Viv adds snidely.
"Look shut it ok .Do you want to know who your father is or not."Viv shrugs but looks interested.
"Well as I was saying I'll tell you straight."
"Yeah Viv's living proof that your not a poof" this remark earned Rik a smack from Viv.
"If you're all quite finished guys I'll tell you this for nothing ok? It's true someone in this house is Viv's father. But it isn't me. Not that i'm not a virile young stud .its just well to be honest Viv and I didn't want to say it, I can get better women than your slag of a mother." Michael in fact knew he wasn't Viv's daddy the dates didn't make sense he hadn't dated Viv's mum until last weekend. But he had to come up with something that made him look good, what with that young Gary trying to step into his rank of sexiest guy in the house.
"That's quite alright Michael. Even Rik could get better than my mum. Here listen I know how to figure out who's my dad .we just find the guy with the scalding case of herpes."
From the toilet upstairs we hear a deep Glasgow voice in severe pain.
"Oh Jesus Christ pally .It burns! In the name of god oh how it burns!"
We must feel sorry for him; after all he did get it on with Viv's mother, (Shudder. Children run and hide.)
Viv and Gary's eyes light up. Together they raced up the stairs to greet their new father. The one, the only, S.P.G (Mr Special Patrol Group, esquire). As Viv stood, one arm round Gary the other round his daddy, he saw how his flaming red hair and anarchic streak made sense .As did Gary's Glaswegian accent. He reached for the vodka to Celebrate and handed it to Gary. As he did so Mr Baloiski burst through the door, a six-shooter in one hand.
"My Vodka! Ahh you will die Gary Bastard!"
(At this point I reserve the right to be sympathetic and not mention any detail of Gary's demise but I will say this. it was horridly bloody lasted hours and in that time it came out that Rik was Gay and Mike having never been with a woman decided to give him a go.)
When it was all over, a distraught tearful Viv(he claimed he'd been sniffing glue but we know the truth) covering his brothers body with a sheet turned to balowski and said "Didn't you kill my Brother?" Balowski answered, "isn't that my line?" at which point Gary rose from the dead and we discover that thewhole death was actually a publicity stunt for Alexi sayles new movie.imagine that!oh those mad capantics atthe young ones house!
THE END(but not for GaryBastard he shall live on)