Disclaimer: not mine, Bellisarios'
Friends with benefits?
Timeline: Harm had his eye surgery but has not decided on going back to flight status yet. Instead he was sent TAD as an instructor to an aviators' trainings camp. The TAD was meant to be 10 weeks but became over 4 months.
Mac was restless. Not a new thing, for the last 48 hours she had been on edge. Basically since the Admiral had told her, them, the crew at JAG that Harm was scheduled to be back that weekend. It had taken all of her effort to focus on the cases at hand. But now it was Saturday, noon and his plane was due to land in a couple of hours. Nervously she munched a sandwich, even seeming to have lost her normal appetite.
And it wasn't the only one of her worries. That very morning she had gone to his apartment en used duster, vacuum cleaner and soapy water to make sure all was clean and neat for his arrival. Even though they had talked about her taking care for his non-existent plants, she now feared she had overstepped a line. But it couldn't be undone; she couldn't go back and sprinkle dust again.
Maybe it wasn't the cleverest idea to pick him up from the airport, too. Maybe it was just a bit over the top. But she knew she would not be able not go there.
It was half past three when Mac swung her 'vette through the luckily-not-that-busy traffic. Right on time, as was her habit, she was at the gate.
The arrival of his flight was announced and Mac straightened her back and craned her neck in order not to miss him. It didn't take long before she spotted his tall figure. She bit her lip; she still could back out. But then he saw her, too and his face lit up. He made a b-line for her, smiling from ear to ear. All hesitation now thrown into the wind she started walking towards him, hastening her steps till she was all but running. He dropped his duffel bag and caught her in his arms, swinging her around. "Hey Ninja girl!"
She returned his hug, her cheek pressed against his. "Fly-boy!
He slowly lowered her to her feet again. Suddenly neither knew what to say but before the silence could become awkward Harm joked "I'm glad you didn't turn up in uniform. We could have been in serious trouble." With a tilt of his head he indicated the three high ranking Navy officers passing by. Mac smiled and the moment went.
Harm shouldered his bag again. "You have your car outside?" Mac nodded and led the way to the parking lot where her 'vette was waiting for them. Driving to his loft they caught up, chatting about work, friends and what further came to mind. Suddenly Mac asked "straight to your place or do you need to be somewhere?" Harm nodded "Guess a quick visit to a supermarket won't hurt. After all, I have to eat tomorrow." Mac smiled, steering her car into the desired direction.
Almost an hour later Harm closed the door behind him, carelessly dropping his duffel bag next to it. He stretched. "Feel good to be home again," he declared. He looked at Mac. "Do you like to stay for dinner or did you have other plans?" Mac smiled; she had hoped for an invitation. "I like to stay. Why don't you take a shower and change and I order something?" Harm nodded and, hauling his bag with him, disappeared into his bedroom.
In the meantime Mac kicked out her shoes and grabbed her cell to order dinner. Boy, it felt good to order a large half meat / half veggie pizza, like she had done countless times before he left. Hearing the water run she set herself to putting away the groceries, leaving two bottles of sparkling water for them to drink with their dinner on the table. Fumbling around in his house felt so at ease, so good, so right. And it was just now she recognised it and was able to admit to herself it was all about the man in the other room. Harm, her co-worker, her best friend, and... the man she was in love with. Deeply and hopelessly in love with. It hit her like a fist in the stomach.
When he came out of the bedroom, clad in sweats and thick woollen socks she was wandering the room, aimlessly picking up items. He was heading for the kitchen to get the plates when it struck him how forlorn she looked. He softly called her name and when she looked at him he didn't give it a further thought and opened his arms to her. She walked straight into them, resting her head warily to his chest. He held her close, wondering what was wrong.
As she clearly wasn't saying anything he finally asked "what's wrong, hun?"
Mac shook her head but didn't answer. Harm waited patiently. Finally she looked up.
"You know, it's like being in a cold room. Not very cold but just a tad too cold. And you are working and not paying attention to the temperature, not noticing how cold you became until you walk into a warm room again. Then you realize …"she heaved a sigh. "I didn't realize how much I missed you until you were back."
Harm was really touched and didn't know what to answer. He tucked her head back in the crook of his neck and rested his cheek on her hair. They stood like that for long moments until the knock on the door announced the arrival of the pizza. Reluctantly Mac freed herself and while Harm paid the delivery boy, she grabbed two plates and some paper napkins. Sitting on the couch they enjoyed the half meat / half veggie pizza. Suddenly Harm started to chuckle. Mac looked at him, a question in her eyes.
"Do you remember the first time we had pizza in my apartment?"
Now Mac chuckled as well "Yep, you didn't have any furniture back then, so we sat on your bed." It felt so well to be able to share memories with him again.
When there were only crumbs of the pizza left, Mac suggested a bit of TV watching. Flipping through the channels they settled for a show about the relations between two friends and colleagues, ending with them being friends with benefits, with a hint of things to come.
When the closing credits rolled over the screen Mac asked Harm if he ever thought about that, being in a friendship and moving on to friends with benefits.
"No," he answered sincerely. "I don't think friends with benefits are a good thing."
He leaned back into the cushions. "When I was a teenager I was more obsessed with finding my dad than with girls. You know I lied my way into the corps to be able to go find my dad. When Frank hauled me out I went to flight school. I won't say I didn't have an occasionally fling with someone and I did have sex with some of those girls. But we were on a very tight rein, back then. Diana … well, Diana was the first woman I thought I could have a relationship with. Actually the date I had with her that night was to discuss what direction we wanted our friendship to go. But as you know…"
Mac nodded. The murder of his almost girlfriend had hit him hard. That night when he had gone out for revenge was edged in her memory as well and she still was grateful she had been able to prevent him from taking Diana's murderer, officer Holbarth's, life.
"I know I'm not the best relation material. I have difficulties with commitment. But I never started something without dedication and being faithful. When I dated Annie..." he referred to his friend, Lucas Pendry's widow, "when I dated Annie I was determined to make it work. Also for Josh's sake. I've never liked children to suffer from their parents' relationships. It really hit me when she left."
"And Jordan?" Mac asked. As was so rare having him actually talk about his feelings she couldn't resist the temptation to hear a bit more.
"Jordan. She was angry I didn't tell her about the eye surgery till it was over. As were you..." he gave her a small smile. "And my mum, as a matter of fact. If anything I've learned from that, it is you don't keep decisions like a surgery from the important women in your live."
He took a breath. "And she told me," he continued returning to Jordan "she started to date a lawyer and wasn't prepared to date an aviator. She didn't want to sit and wait for me for months while I was on missions. When I talked to the Admiral about returning to active flight status he was not happy. He thought it was a stupid thing to do. That's why he sent me on that TAD. He hoped that being away from Washington would make me realize what I was giving up. Professionally and privately. He told me we would talk about it again when I returned."
Mac breath hitched. "And, will you?"
Slowly Harm shook his head. "I still have to figure it out for sure, but no, I don't think so. The Admiral was right. There is a lot I would miss and although I love flying, I'm not convinced the pleasure and thrill outweigh the cons anymore."
He looked at Mac. "But to come back to your question about friends with benefits. No. At best it carries a great risk of ruining a friendship. I've seen that happen with friends. And I feel it's in a way degrading for the woman. And for the man too. I mean, if you want the sex and don't want the commitment. To a woman it's diminishing, like she not worth to have a relationship with and to the man, not taking responsibility makes him less of a man."
Mac tried to hide her distress. A million emotions and thoughts run through her mind, disappointment being a big one of them. A feeling of rejection a second. During the movie she herself had been thinking, even fantasizing, about how being friends with benefits with Harm would turn out, how it could be a first step and how she hoped one day it would be more. How she wanted a true relation with him, dating, engagement, marriage. She told herself not to feel disappointed. After all, it was a hypothetical question they were talking about. It wasn't like he had rejected her. There was no way he could have known what she was thinking, hoping.
In the mean time Harm had sensed her discomfort, even though he hadn't a clue why she would be distressed. He uttered his concerns in a question "Mac, what's wrong? Is it something I said?"
Mac knew she could not tell him what had been running through her mind. But she had to tell him something. She knew he was not going to give up if she tried to brush him off so in stead of telling him her hopes she opted for another truth. "I … I had friends with benefits. Well, maybe more sex with so called friends when I was young." She took a breath. "I'm not proud of it but at the time I was desperately seeking for some affection, I guess. And something, even if it was fake, was better than nothing at all." She hung her head, nervous for his reaction.
Harm took her hands in his, reassuringly rubbing his thumbs over the backsides. "Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. You were young and inexperienced. You just wanted someone to care for you. Don't beat yourself up. Everyone is entitled to make a mistake once in a while." His smile was warming her heart. "I'm not going to judge you. I have my own share of stupidities and fewer excuses to have made them."
Mac relaxed, almost slumping with relief. She should have known he would react like this but still... "I know. You're one of the few people never to judge me. Disagree with my decisions sometimes and not hesitating to tell me so, yes, but never judge me." She leaned in and gave a quick peck on the cheek. "Thank you for that."
After another drink, Mac realised Harm was very tired. Even though he tried he couldn't hide his yawning from her. Reluctantly she stood and announced she had to go. Even though he hated to see her go, Harm could not do anything but agree. Sensing she still didn't not feel too well - 'what could he have said wrong?' he thought - Harm pulled her close for a hug again. Doing so he wasn't not able to keep himself from kissing the crown of her head and whispering "Good night, my marine."
The moment the words left his mouths he realised what he said. He tensed and chilled inside, afraid for Mac's reaction. He was so lucky to have this wonderful woman as a friend and there had never been an indication that she wanted to be more. How could he be so stupid to let his desire to call her his slip?
Mac tensed, too. She paled. Slowly, tentatively as was she afraid to break, she inched herself away from him. "Yours?" she asked in a shaky voice, then waited, with bated breath.
Harm was unsure what to say. Could he really tell her how he felt? Could he take the risk? He looked down on her, searching for a clue. There was something in her eyes he couldn't determine, but whatever it was it finally gave him the courage to nod "Yes, mine, forever, if you want to."
Mac's eyes had never left his face. Now she nodded solemnly. "Yours", she whispered.
Harm let out his breath. She was his. But it was not enough. He needed more. Mac tried to pull him in for a kiss but he didn't move. In stead he asked shyly "if you are my marine… am I … can I be your sailor?"
Mac had to smile over his insecurity. She caressed his face. "Mine," she answered, kissing him again. "Forever."
Now Harm kissed her, then held her close, her head in the crook of his neck for long moments. He wanted it to last forever but it couldn't. His exhaustion threatened to overcome him and he stifled another yawn.
"I would love you to stay, but can we postpone any 'action' till I'm sure to not fall asleep on you?"
Mac laughed out loud. "Yes, we can, my hero," she teased. She entangled herself from him and gave him a little nudge towards the bedroom. "Go to bed. I'll be there in a minute." True to her word she was back within minutes with her sea bag, slipped into the bathroom for a moment and then joined him under the covers. Harm had struggled to keep his eyes open. Now he pulled her head on his shoulder. "Love you," he managed to whisper before he succumbed to the sleep. He didn't hear Mac answer "love you, too" anymore. Mac smiled, happy to snuggle in and let sleep get the better of her, too.
The next morning found Mac and Harm in bed, Harm spread-eagled on his stomach, one arm possessively draped over Mac. He was still sleeping, snoring lightly. Mac on the other hand, never a late riser, was wide awake. A bit too wide, now slowly but steadily doubts crept up her mind. What if it didn't work out? What if their changing relationship destroyed their friendship? What would the Admiral think? How would if affect their jobs? In vain she fought the panic tightening her throat. Finally she couldn't stand to stay in bed any longer and carefully wriggled herself out from under Harm's arm. She visited the bathroom, cussing the noise flushing made. She was not ready to face Harm, yet.
In the kitchen area she brewed a pot of strong coffee, popped a bagel in the toaster and tried to calm her jumbled thoughts. Two bagels and three cups of coffee later she still hadn't had much success.
In the meantime Harm slowly drifted from his deep sleep to the surface of awakening. He reached out for Mac but his hand only met cold sheets. He turned his head. Yes, the spot besides him was empty. Lifting his head he sniffed. The fragrance of coffee was strong in the air. He rolled over, ran his hands through his hair and shuffled to the living area. Mac looked up, startled and even a bit guilty.
"I made coffee and had a bagel, that's ok?"
"Of course it is," Harm soothed her, taking a high stool at the breakfast bar. "Why shouldn't it be ok?"
Mac didn't answer, just shrugged. For the sake of her life, she didn't have an answer to that. She slid from her stool and busied herself at the counter, first pouring Harm a cup of coffee, so strong he winced when he took the first sip. Then she started to wipe the already spotless counter even more clean, next spending a lot of time rinsing the cloth.
Al the while Harm's eyes followed her around but he didn't say anything, slowly starting to make Mac even more nervous, until she couldn't take it anymore.
"Do you have second thoughts?" she suddenly asked, making him jump.
"About us? No, not for a second." He sounded shocked. "But …. it's all so new. Things have changed, you know that." He took a breath. "There have been so many times I wanted to take you in my arms. Times I thought you could use a hug, a few times because I needed to hold you, so many times just because. But most of the times we were in uniform… and we didn't have that kind of a relationship. I wasn't entitled. But now that has changed and…" his voice trailed off. "I don't know what to do, what's best to do. Should I hold you or do you need some space now?
During his words Mac had inched towards him.
"What do you want?"
"To do what's best for you, what you need," was his immediate reply.
"And if it was yours to decide?"
"Hold you, as long as … for ever." That answer came without hesitation, too.
"Then hold me … because I need that, too."
As soon as the words left her mouth she found herself plastered against his chest, warmed by two strong arms around her and his breathe fanning her hair.
"My marine, I love you so much."
The end.