Prologue
Say goodnight, not goodbye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are
In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not goodbye
Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep
You are everything you want to be
So let you heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight, not goodbye
You are everything you want to be
So just, let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not goodbye
Lyrics by Beth Nielson Chapman
October 2001
0300 EST
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
No regrets. He had no regrets for how the day ended or how the new one would begin. Both with Sarah MacKenzie, whom was adorning his bed as he stood in the cold living room. He had the most beautiful woman occupying his bed, yet he was not in it with her. It did not seem natural. He should be with her. He should be holding her in his arms. He should be remembering every single detail about this moment. He should be finally enjoying having Mac as his own after four long years.
So, what was making him stay in the coldness of the living room? Was it the past emotions that they shared a lifetime ago? Was it the thought that she might leave tomorrow morning? One of them always left the next morning. It was never really a relationship between the two of them. She was with Dalton until his murder and he with Annie. It was never lovemaking between them. It could only be described as sex. More importantly, comfort sex. Whenever it happened between them, they were comforting each other. Harm never wanted to have that kind of relationship or be part of one. It was the dirty side of love. However, he did not know how to walk away.
Neither of them knew how to walk away from it. They kept coming back to each other. Kept coming back to comfort each other. Whether it be after his breakup with Jordan or after hearing of her depression of never getting married or having children in this lifetime. He never wanted it to last as long as it did. He always wanted to tell her how he felt. He just never knew how. He could never put his feelings or emotions into words. Harm was always better with actions rather than words when it came to women.
Harm paced from one end of then living room to the next as the memories ran through his mind. He could not stop the dread that seeped into his soul. What if she actually did leave in the morning? What if this was only more comfort sex for her? He had always thought that Mac felt the same way, but just could not voice it as well.
He stopped in his tracks and furiously ran his fingers through his hair. All the thinking about the past got all his emotions in an upheaval. This was not how he wanted it to be after their lovemaking. Or was it comfort sex? God, he could not even tell the difference between the two. He finally believed that they got it right after screwing it up over the last four years. Yet, if they got it right, why was he feeling this way?
A soft whispered voice sounded behind him. "What are you doing out here?"
He turned around with a small smile on his face.
His voice was soft, "Just thinking. I did not mean to wake you. Why don't you go back to sleep? I will be there in a little while."
"Are you all right, Harm? It's three in the morning and you're out here instead of with me." Mac placed a comforting hand on his arm.
He could not even look her in the eye. He felt ashamed for why he was not with her. How could he tell her that he was afraid of what tomorrow might bring? "I am afraid Mac." His voice was a low whisper.
"Of what?" She made him look at her and she indeed saw the fear in his dazzling eyes.
He bit his bottom lip before answering, "Tomorrow morning. Will you leave or not?"
Mac's breath hitched in her throat at his response. With her hand shaking, she reached up and touched his cheek tenderly. How could she tell him the truth? How could she make him understand that she loved him? Her voice was a bit shaky when she responded; "I will be here in the morning, Harm. And for many more in the future or how ever long you want me in your life."
"I want you in my life for eternity."
The simple statement spoke volumes in Mac's soul. A few tears escaped her eyes while she spoke. "Then why are you so afraid?"
He turned away from her, making her look at his back while he spoke in a soft voice. "Earlier today, after the Jagathon, you said about starting back at the beginning. I thought that you meant at the beginning of everything---before this thing happened between us. Therefore, when we made love earlier, I just thought it was comfort sex for you. I was so afraid of you leaving in the morning like you always did without knowing my true feelings for you."
Mac came around and stood in front of him. Her chocolate brown eyes bored into his soul. "What are your true feelings, Harm?"
He was hesitant. He did not know how to put them into words. Just say the words, Rabb. Just say those three little words she's been waiting for four years. "Mac...Sarah, I love you."
A heartwarming smile graced her beautiful face at his statement. "I know. I've always known. Whenever the morning came, when it was time for me to leave, I could always see the love in your eyes. I hated doing that to you, but at the time, I was not ready to admit that I needed someone in my life or even admit that I loved someone."
"Do you love me?"
"I've always loved you, Harm. I just did not realize it until a couple of months ago, when Mic left me. You were always there when I needed you. Not just as a lover, but also as a friend. I had always needed you in my life and I don't want you to leave after we finally got it right." She leaned up on her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
It was not meant to be needy or passionate. It was just let him know how she truly felt about him. But when Harm enclosed her into his tight embrace and his mouth plundered hers; Mac let herself go with the emotion she had forever held back.
In the darkened, cold living room, the only sound was low moans and groans from the two lovers. Harm scooped her up in his arms and strolled to the bedroom. There he gently laid her down on the bed and shucked his pajama pants before joining her beneath the mounds of blankets.
Mac immediately went into his embrace, her head lying on his chest. Beneath her ear, she heard the steady thumping of his heart and she was sure it matched her own. For the past four years, she slowly realized how insync with each other they really were. She just wished that they had admitted their true feelings for one another much earlier than they did. It would have saved them a lot of heartache and jealousy through the years.
"Why did it take us so long to get to this point?" Mac asked a question that really did not need an answer. She already knew it. She had known the answer for some time. Both of them did. Mac just wanted to ask it, to make them think about all that they went through for just that moment.
"I don't know, but I am glad that we made it. I would not change it for anything in this world."
Her laughter was soft in his ear, "Not even for a tomcat?"
"No, not even for a tomcat. Being with you and loving you is better than any flight I ever had in a tomcat. You complete me, Sarah." Harm whispered in her hair.
She lazily caressed his chest, twirling her fingers through the tiny chest hairs. "Now, you're going all 'Jerry Maguire' on me." After the teasing statement, Mac immediately went back to being serious. "What are we going to do when we have to go back to work? How are we going to explain to the Admiral about our relationship? Harm, I don't want to hide this from anyone. I want everyone to know how I feel about you."
"We will take this one day at a time. We will do this right this time, Sarah. I don't want to lose you to someone else again."
Mac heard the pain and fear in his voice. She knew that he was frightened about losing her to Mic a year earlier. She just never knew how much he was until now. Who would've thought that they would be discussing their relationship this evening? Mac raised her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. "You will not lose me to anyone else. I'm not scared anymore. I love only you and I know that you love me as well."
"I was so scared when you accepted the ring from Mic, but even more when he moved here to be with you. It was different when he was on the other side of the world. Yet, having him in D.C. brought more fear to me because I knew that you would commit to him more than if he was in Australia. At the point, I truly thought that I would lose you---not just as friend, but as someone that I loved. I just could not tell you how I felt because I was scared that you did not feel the same way." He brushed his fingers through her hair.
"You thought I did not love you? Harm, I thought that what I said in Sydney Harbor was enough to let you know how I felt. Do you know how hard it was to accept Mic's ring? To me, it was like turning my back on everything that I ever felt for you. Everything that we ever shared---not only as friends, but also as lovers. I never wanted to hurt you." She felt the tension in his body diminish slightly. They still had many issues to discuss before either of them was comfortable in their relationship with each other.
Harm traced a single finger down her smooth cheek and over her soft lips. He knew every curve of her body without even looking at her. It was imprinted in his mind. Yet, he was now able to touch her without any regrets or guilt eating him up inside.
"Will we able to get past all those mistakes we made through the years?" He replied in a whispered voice.
"Yes, I believe we will. Harm, I know we both made mistakes with what we started, but we've finally come full circle. I want a life with you. A life that will last for eternity. Please, don't make me wait that long for a life with you. I waited long enough to just be with you."
Harm sat up in the bed quickly and drew her into his embrace. He buried his face in the curve of her neck, needing to hold onto that lifeline that she gave him all those years ago. His voice was a breathy whisper against her skin; "I would never make you wait that long. I want to have everything with you. I want to see you pregnant with our children. God, I just want you!"
Mac pulled his head away from her neck and made him look into her eyes. There were tiny flecks of tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. She lightly kissed his lips, then the corners of his mouth, the tip of his nose and finally his closed eye lids. She rested her forehead against his as she spoke softly, "You have me. You always did. No one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise that you will never lose me."
The statement brought back memories of when she first said those words. It was at her engagement party and they spent the whole time on the Admiral's porch. He was so frightened that night because it was finally hitting him that she was getting married to someone else besides him. She fell in love with someone other than him. That night he was desperate to try and make her understand his feelings for her, and it showed in the kiss they shared before they went inside. It was a kiss full of desperation and need. A need that he wanted to cling onto and never let go. However, he had to let go, because Mac was not his. She never truly was until now.
Mac was his until the end of time. That would be how long he would hold onto her. He never wanted to let her go. He never wanted to let her go after their first night together, but he did and it cost him. Four precious years were lost to them. Yet, they had a second chance to make new memories with each other.
"I love you, Sarah." Harm had no trouble letting the words roll off his tongue. It was like second nature to him, because he had wanted to say those words for four years.
"And I love you." Her words were said against his lips before they engaged in a heated kiss.
Harm lay back against the pillows, pulling her on to of him. The need for oxygen broke apart their mouths. She laid her head on his chest, again listening to soft thumping of his heart. She would never grow tired of that one sound. She established that sound with home. Sarah MacKenzie had finally come home.
She snuggled down underneath the blankets, resting her head in the crook of his arm. Harm's hand was on her hip in a possessive manner and Mac loved it. He rested his cheek on top of her head, breathing in the faint scent of her shampoo. Strawberries. A faint smile tugged at his lips as he closed his eyes.
Before he never noticed the little things about Mac, because he never had time to. Their time together was always limited. They were always sneaking behind everyone's backs and the guilt on their mind indefinitely. The regrets in their hearts every time they finished. Now, it was different. No guilt every time they locked eyes with each other when they were out with their significant others. No hiding their smoldering glances from each other. However, most of all, no regrets. No more regrets.
Say goodnight, not goodbye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are
In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not goodbye
Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep
You are everything you want to be
So let you heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight, not goodbye
You are everything you want to be
So just, let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not goodbye
Lyrics by Beth Nielson Chapman
October 2001
0300 EST
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
No regrets. He had no regrets for how the day ended or how the new one would begin. Both with Sarah MacKenzie, whom was adorning his bed as he stood in the cold living room. He had the most beautiful woman occupying his bed, yet he was not in it with her. It did not seem natural. He should be with her. He should be holding her in his arms. He should be remembering every single detail about this moment. He should be finally enjoying having Mac as his own after four long years.
So, what was making him stay in the coldness of the living room? Was it the past emotions that they shared a lifetime ago? Was it the thought that she might leave tomorrow morning? One of them always left the next morning. It was never really a relationship between the two of them. She was with Dalton until his murder and he with Annie. It was never lovemaking between them. It could only be described as sex. More importantly, comfort sex. Whenever it happened between them, they were comforting each other. Harm never wanted to have that kind of relationship or be part of one. It was the dirty side of love. However, he did not know how to walk away.
Neither of them knew how to walk away from it. They kept coming back to each other. Kept coming back to comfort each other. Whether it be after his breakup with Jordan or after hearing of her depression of never getting married or having children in this lifetime. He never wanted it to last as long as it did. He always wanted to tell her how he felt. He just never knew how. He could never put his feelings or emotions into words. Harm was always better with actions rather than words when it came to women.
Harm paced from one end of then living room to the next as the memories ran through his mind. He could not stop the dread that seeped into his soul. What if she actually did leave in the morning? What if this was only more comfort sex for her? He had always thought that Mac felt the same way, but just could not voice it as well.
He stopped in his tracks and furiously ran his fingers through his hair. All the thinking about the past got all his emotions in an upheaval. This was not how he wanted it to be after their lovemaking. Or was it comfort sex? God, he could not even tell the difference between the two. He finally believed that they got it right after screwing it up over the last four years. Yet, if they got it right, why was he feeling this way?
A soft whispered voice sounded behind him. "What are you doing out here?"
He turned around with a small smile on his face.
His voice was soft, "Just thinking. I did not mean to wake you. Why don't you go back to sleep? I will be there in a little while."
"Are you all right, Harm? It's three in the morning and you're out here instead of with me." Mac placed a comforting hand on his arm.
He could not even look her in the eye. He felt ashamed for why he was not with her. How could he tell her that he was afraid of what tomorrow might bring? "I am afraid Mac." His voice was a low whisper.
"Of what?" She made him look at her and she indeed saw the fear in his dazzling eyes.
He bit his bottom lip before answering, "Tomorrow morning. Will you leave or not?"
Mac's breath hitched in her throat at his response. With her hand shaking, she reached up and touched his cheek tenderly. How could she tell him the truth? How could she make him understand that she loved him? Her voice was a bit shaky when she responded; "I will be here in the morning, Harm. And for many more in the future or how ever long you want me in your life."
"I want you in my life for eternity."
The simple statement spoke volumes in Mac's soul. A few tears escaped her eyes while she spoke. "Then why are you so afraid?"
He turned away from her, making her look at his back while he spoke in a soft voice. "Earlier today, after the Jagathon, you said about starting back at the beginning. I thought that you meant at the beginning of everything---before this thing happened between us. Therefore, when we made love earlier, I just thought it was comfort sex for you. I was so afraid of you leaving in the morning like you always did without knowing my true feelings for you."
Mac came around and stood in front of him. Her chocolate brown eyes bored into his soul. "What are your true feelings, Harm?"
He was hesitant. He did not know how to put them into words. Just say the words, Rabb. Just say those three little words she's been waiting for four years. "Mac...Sarah, I love you."
A heartwarming smile graced her beautiful face at his statement. "I know. I've always known. Whenever the morning came, when it was time for me to leave, I could always see the love in your eyes. I hated doing that to you, but at the time, I was not ready to admit that I needed someone in my life or even admit that I loved someone."
"Do you love me?"
"I've always loved you, Harm. I just did not realize it until a couple of months ago, when Mic left me. You were always there when I needed you. Not just as a lover, but also as a friend. I had always needed you in my life and I don't want you to leave after we finally got it right." She leaned up on her tiptoes and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.
It was not meant to be needy or passionate. It was just let him know how she truly felt about him. But when Harm enclosed her into his tight embrace and his mouth plundered hers; Mac let herself go with the emotion she had forever held back.
In the darkened, cold living room, the only sound was low moans and groans from the two lovers. Harm scooped her up in his arms and strolled to the bedroom. There he gently laid her down on the bed and shucked his pajama pants before joining her beneath the mounds of blankets.
Mac immediately went into his embrace, her head lying on his chest. Beneath her ear, she heard the steady thumping of his heart and she was sure it matched her own. For the past four years, she slowly realized how insync with each other they really were. She just wished that they had admitted their true feelings for one another much earlier than they did. It would have saved them a lot of heartache and jealousy through the years.
"Why did it take us so long to get to this point?" Mac asked a question that really did not need an answer. She already knew it. She had known the answer for some time. Both of them did. Mac just wanted to ask it, to make them think about all that they went through for just that moment.
"I don't know, but I am glad that we made it. I would not change it for anything in this world."
Her laughter was soft in his ear, "Not even for a tomcat?"
"No, not even for a tomcat. Being with you and loving you is better than any flight I ever had in a tomcat. You complete me, Sarah." Harm whispered in her hair.
She lazily caressed his chest, twirling her fingers through the tiny chest hairs. "Now, you're going all 'Jerry Maguire' on me." After the teasing statement, Mac immediately went back to being serious. "What are we going to do when we have to go back to work? How are we going to explain to the Admiral about our relationship? Harm, I don't want to hide this from anyone. I want everyone to know how I feel about you."
"We will take this one day at a time. We will do this right this time, Sarah. I don't want to lose you to someone else again."
Mac heard the pain and fear in his voice. She knew that he was frightened about losing her to Mic a year earlier. She just never knew how much he was until now. Who would've thought that they would be discussing their relationship this evening? Mac raised her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. "You will not lose me to anyone else. I'm not scared anymore. I love only you and I know that you love me as well."
"I was so scared when you accepted the ring from Mic, but even more when he moved here to be with you. It was different when he was on the other side of the world. Yet, having him in D.C. brought more fear to me because I knew that you would commit to him more than if he was in Australia. At the point, I truly thought that I would lose you---not just as friend, but as someone that I loved. I just could not tell you how I felt because I was scared that you did not feel the same way." He brushed his fingers through her hair.
"You thought I did not love you? Harm, I thought that what I said in Sydney Harbor was enough to let you know how I felt. Do you know how hard it was to accept Mic's ring? To me, it was like turning my back on everything that I ever felt for you. Everything that we ever shared---not only as friends, but also as lovers. I never wanted to hurt you." She felt the tension in his body diminish slightly. They still had many issues to discuss before either of them was comfortable in their relationship with each other.
Harm traced a single finger down her smooth cheek and over her soft lips. He knew every curve of her body without even looking at her. It was imprinted in his mind. Yet, he was now able to touch her without any regrets or guilt eating him up inside.
"Will we able to get past all those mistakes we made through the years?" He replied in a whispered voice.
"Yes, I believe we will. Harm, I know we both made mistakes with what we started, but we've finally come full circle. I want a life with you. A life that will last for eternity. Please, don't make me wait that long for a life with you. I waited long enough to just be with you."
Harm sat up in the bed quickly and drew her into his embrace. He buried his face in the curve of her neck, needing to hold onto that lifeline that she gave him all those years ago. His voice was a breathy whisper against her skin; "I would never make you wait that long. I want to have everything with you. I want to see you pregnant with our children. God, I just want you!"
Mac pulled his head away from her neck and made him look into her eyes. There were tiny flecks of tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. She lightly kissed his lips, then the corners of his mouth, the tip of his nose and finally his closed eye lids. She rested her forehead against his as she spoke softly, "You have me. You always did. No one could ever take your place in my heart. I promise that you will never lose me."
The statement brought back memories of when she first said those words. It was at her engagement party and they spent the whole time on the Admiral's porch. He was so frightened that night because it was finally hitting him that she was getting married to someone else besides him. She fell in love with someone other than him. That night he was desperate to try and make her understand his feelings for her, and it showed in the kiss they shared before they went inside. It was a kiss full of desperation and need. A need that he wanted to cling onto and never let go. However, he had to let go, because Mac was not his. She never truly was until now.
Mac was his until the end of time. That would be how long he would hold onto her. He never wanted to let her go. He never wanted to let her go after their first night together, but he did and it cost him. Four precious years were lost to them. Yet, they had a second chance to make new memories with each other.
"I love you, Sarah." Harm had no trouble letting the words roll off his tongue. It was like second nature to him, because he had wanted to say those words for four years.
"And I love you." Her words were said against his lips before they engaged in a heated kiss.
Harm lay back against the pillows, pulling her on to of him. The need for oxygen broke apart their mouths. She laid her head on his chest, again listening to soft thumping of his heart. She would never grow tired of that one sound. She established that sound with home. Sarah MacKenzie had finally come home.
She snuggled down underneath the blankets, resting her head in the crook of his arm. Harm's hand was on her hip in a possessive manner and Mac loved it. He rested his cheek on top of her head, breathing in the faint scent of her shampoo. Strawberries. A faint smile tugged at his lips as he closed his eyes.
Before he never noticed the little things about Mac, because he never had time to. Their time together was always limited. They were always sneaking behind everyone's backs and the guilt on their mind indefinitely. The regrets in their hearts every time they finished. Now, it was different. No guilt every time they locked eyes with each other when they were out with their significant others. No hiding their smoldering glances from each other. However, most of all, no regrets. No more regrets.