This one took me ages to write – but I kept going back to it, adding more until it turned into the longest one-off story I've ever written. I really wanted to do an updated version of Ste and Brendan reuniting, now that Ste has had so many other problems to deal with. So this one is set according to how his life currently is in the programme, except that he's single! It's basically written from all points of view – a bit of Ste's, a bit of Brendan's. It does start off from Tegan's POV but I have to blame that on the months I spent watching her character's love story with Ziggy before he got killed off!
Just a quick note: I don't claim to have accurate knowledge of the criminal justice system so you might have to overlook any unrealistic goings-on in that department…if you wouldn't mind lol! Thanks and please let me know your thoughts if you read it to the end :)
After All This Time
There was something about the man in the third cubicle in A&E that made Tegan linger that bit longer after dressing his wound. This 'something' about him wasn't an attraction. Sure, he was an eye-catching sight, but that wasn't what sprang to mind on closer inspection.
Yes; this man was good-looking in his own way – though the beard could have done with a serious tidy up. The policeman standing nearby and the handcuff keeping him restrained to the bed would explain why there wasn't much the man could do about his appearance, of course.
It wasn't the police escort that made her linger; neither was it the unkempt beard. It was his face – no, his eyes. She recognised them, and yet she had never met him before. He caught her staring and she quickly turned away to go to the next cubicle. Whatever it was about this patient, it didn't matter enough to keep her from her job. She must just remember the look of him from the news or something, although she had no idea what his crime was.
An hour later she had to go and check on his wound again to make sure it wouldn't become infected. He winced as she re-cleansed the wound on his hand and then re-dressed it.
"So, the doctor said you wouldn't tell him how this happened," Tegan said as she worked on the dressing. "Mind if I have a guess?"
The man gave her a strange look, but when her gaze didn't falter he nodded.
"Okay," she replied. "Well there was glass in the wound when you were brought in. Not much glass allowed in a prison though…"
He raised an eyebrow at her.
"Wondering how I know that?" she looked away, thinking back to her own brush with the law last year. "Anyway, the glass…it's from a mirror, right?"
The impressed look on the nearby policeman's face told her she was right. The prisoner actually smiled at her.
"Very good, sweetheart. Ye get extra Brownie points for even bothering to speak to me."
His voice was rough, but not intimidating. And that accent felt like another piece of the puzzle fitting together. He was Irish.
"I think I know who you are," Tegan announced with a gasp about a minute later.
"Ye mean ye didn't know already?" He sounded completely unfazed.
"Oh, I'd heard about you on the news, but that's not where I remember seeing your face. It's Brendan, isn't it?" Without waiting for a response, she turned away again. "The doctor will come back to do your stitches as soon as he's free."
She hurried out of his cubicle and found someone who could cover while she took her break earlier than planned. By the time she sat down with a strong coffee, she was anxious for her brother's wellbeing. Ste had been doing so well lately. He had been clean and sober for months, his illness was under control after a shaky start on the medication and he was finally in regular contact with all three of his kids. He was also single again, something which everyone close to him agreed was for the best while he focused on his health.
This would surely send him back over the edge. She would have to keep this from him. But knowing how much Brendan had always meant to him, she felt guilty about her decision already.
Sipping her coffee, Tegan mused it was just as well that she had forgotten to bring any lunch with her. She didn't much feel like eating now.
Unfortunately fate had other ideas. When she checked her phone, she had a message from Ste, who had the day off. It was at this point that she remembered he had an appointment at the hospital in about – she checked her watch – half an hour, and his text informed her that he would drop her lunch off beforehand.
This not-telling-him thing was already becoming impossible. When she replied, telling him not to bother, Ste sent a message back saying he had already arrived.
"Oh no," she dumped her phone and her coffee and raced back into A&E. The curtains around Brendan's cubicle were closed, meaning the doctor was probably putting in his stitches.
"Teegs!" Ste called out, emerging from the corridor with a carrier bag. "Here's your lunch, you donut."
"Thanks," she managed to answer, still looking around nervously. She tried not to let her eyes fixate on the cubicle in case her brother noticed that there was anything there to see. "I'll see you later then."
"Hang on, I've still got time to kill before this appointment, if you're still on your break I can hang around for a bit."
"That's a nice idea Ste, but I was only having a quick pit stop – we're up to our eyes in it here. Why did you come so early anyway? Dropping this off barely took you a minute; you could have done it on your way to see the doctor." She could hear the agitation in her tone and immediately felt guilty when he frowned at her.
"I had nothing else to do. Couldn't stand sitting around waiting, but if I'm just getting in your way-"
Now Tegan felt even worse. "Listen, I'm sorry. It's just…a bad day. I didn't mean to take it out on you. Let's go outside and sit down. I could do with some fresh air."
Ste's face relaxed and he smiled at her, following her out when she started to lead the way. He didn't hear her sigh of relief, but he did hear something else follow the sound of curtains being pulled away from one of the cubicles. It was one of the doctors, having moved away from the patient to talk to the accompanying policeman.
"You can go ahead and take Mr Brady back now, we won't need to keep him in overnight. My advice would be to keep a close eye on him, though."
Ste froze. Tegan had heard it too, and returned to his side. He was staring at the man in the bed, watching as the police escort removed the handcuff from his bed and reattached himself to the prisoner.
The bearded man took one look at the young man, standing beside the nurse who had tended to him earlier, and he tried and failed to compose himself.
"Steven," he uttered, his voice strangled and broken.
Ste turned away from his gaze, looking back at his sister. "This is why you didn't want me in here. You weren't even gonna tell me, were you?"
Tegan couldn't look at him. "I'm sorry, I just-"
"Teegs!" Celine interrupted as she passed them, completely oblivious to the tension around her. "Quick, we're needed."
She shot an apologetic look at her brother and followed the other nurse, leaving a stunned Ste to try and cope with the sudden reappearance of the man he never thought he would see again.
"Brendan," he murmured, managing to take a few steps closer to him, just as the policeman was talking to the now standing Irishman.
"Time to go, Brady."
Ste wanted to shout: "No! Not again, don't do this to me again..." but he stopped himself just in time. It was pointless. He had only made it worse for himself last time, being dragged away from Brendan's hospital bed screaming. And anyway, this time he was fully aware that nothing he could do was ever going to change what happened.
He watched as Brendan was led out of the cubicle, taking in the way he looked and mentally picking out all the differences in him. The beard was the most obvious one, of course. Then there was the weight he'd lost in the last three years. He didn't look unhealthily thin, Ste thought; just about the same as he'd looked the first year they had met. If Brendan had been any heavier before he'd gone to prison, Ste had liked to think it was because he'd been happy. That and all the food he constantly ate thanks to Ste's cooking.
The thought made him smile as the man was led down the hospital corridor towards the doors. Then, just when he was resigned to this surreal moment being over, Brendan turned his head to look behind him, searching for Ste. This wasn't hard, as he hadn't yet moved.
"I'm sorry, Steven," he called out, and despite the years apart from him Ste recognised the look in his eyes instantly. Or maybe it was because he knew only too well what the look represented. It was self-hatred.
The police officer pulled Brendan away, and on they walked until he was out of sight again. Ste stood there, dazed and feeling quite sick until he remembered that he was supposed to be going to an appointment. He headed in the same direction Brendan had been taken, through the double doors and ready to turn left where he was meant to check in. But instead he found himself running straight for the exit, not stopping until he spotted the police van disappearing away from the grounds and around the corner.
By the time he'd got his breath back and sat himself down in the waiting room, he just felt numb. He couldn't take anything in when he was called in to see the doctor, but he nodded and made all the right noises. Tried to sound like he cared when she started a discussion about the medication he was currently taking.
It was a relief to know that Tegan's shift was a long one today; she wouldn't be home until late. Ste didn't want to talk about what had happened just yet – possibly never. When he got back to the flat he busied himself with cooking everyone dinner, and only Cameron pressed him on his quiet mood. Leela and Peri knew by now that on an appointment day – whether it was with his drugs counsellor or to do with his illness – Ste was likely to be much less talkative.
"Seriously, what's with you tonight?" he questioned. "Usually can't shut you up!" Cameron punctuated his statement with a chuckle, which only irritated Ste further. He knew full well that the man merely tolerated him, and this attempt at friendly humour wasn't fooling him.
"Maybe just leave Ste to it, eh babe?" Leela suggested, giving her boyfriend a warning look. "He had a hospital appointment today."
Cameron gave her a look in return that said, "so?" but she simply shook her head.
Ste chose to concentrate on the cooking and to block everything else out until he was alone.
Things were different when he closed his eyes; when he was dreaming. At night he could pretend he was still in that bubble of happiness from three years ago – the happiest he believed he had ever been.
In that bubble there was Brendan, and even though life with him was always complicated, there were none of the problems he faced in his life today. When he closed his eyes, Ste wasn't a drug addict, and he didn't have a second failed marriage behind him. He had never helped his mum to die or had another run-in with his nasty stepdad, nor had he been diagnosed with HIV.
Of course, at that time he also hadn't found his real father and met his half-sisters, or become a dad again to Hannah. He couldn't regret those things, and he didn't. He simply missed how easily the pieces of his life had slotted into place after that night on the bridge with Brendan.
Sometimes when he slept, he was taken back to those few amazing days in Dublin. Then during the waking hours he pushed all the memories to one side and forced himself to get on with his life. It was, after all, what Brendan had insisted he should do. But after today, after seeing him again; this seemed impossible.
And as it turned out, it was.
Ste woke the next morning to find a voicemail had been left for him. When he heard who it was from he nearly dropped the phone.
"Steven. It's me. I said I'd never do this but now that I've seen ye again…I can't leave it like this. Chez told me a while back ye are living at my old place so I've sent a visiting order. I don't want to disrupt your life, Steven, so I won't call again. I just had to try…just in case."
For the good of his health, and the recovery that would never really end, Ste knew he should probably delete the message and then ignore the visiting order when it came. But that was never going to be an option; he couldn't even pretend that it was. This was Brendan Brady. Of course he was going to see him. He had to.
This was why he found himself in the prison visiting room a few days later, waiting for the man himself to be led out to where he was sitting. He found he couldn't speak at first, when Brendan finally sat down opposite him. It fell to the Irishman to attempt to break the ice.
"Steven," he started in a quiet voice. The look on his face was…fond. There was no other way to describe it. Then his brow creased and Ste realised he was searching for something to say. Then, when he finally settled on words, it was: "What's with the perm?"
Ste didn't know whether to laugh or scream at him. It would be different if they had simply split up, each of them having moved on and bumped into each other for the first time. A comment like that would have been worth the laugh – might even have been a tonic for him to hear it. But that's not how things were. Things were too fragile. Too much time had passed and there were bigger issues between them.
"Three years without you…three years without a word and you want to talk about my hair?" He snapped.
Brendan couldn't look at him now, because he knew he was right. This was no time for small talk or his idea of a joke. Of course he didn't want to talk about Steven's hair; if he really wanted to discuss the younger man's appearance he might have told him how beautiful his face was after all these years. He might have mentioned the muscles he'd spotted through his shirt when he'd watched him at the hospital – a very pleasant surprise although he'd always loved the scrawny lad from years ago in exactly the same way.
"Brendan, don't waste my time," Ste kept his voice calm but cool as it cut into the Irishman's thoughts. "Why did you ask me to come here?"
"I never expected to see ye again. At the hospital."
"Yeah, well it wasn't a barrel of laughs for me either. Why am I here?"
Brendan finally met his eye. "I needed to know that ye were okay."
Ste let out an incredulous, humourless laugh. "I was until you showed your face again. I was doing fine."
"For someone who claims he's 'fine', Steven, ye are rather touchy. I didn't force ye to come today."
"Yes, you did! Don't you get it? The second I heard your voice in that message that was it. I didn't have a choice anymore because you're back in my head." Ste points to his temple to illustrate his point, anger getting the better of him.
"I'm sorry."
"So much for not disrupting my life."
"I couldn't leave things as they are. I saw your face at the hospital. Ye didn't look okay to me."
Ste snarled back. "That's because the bloke who abandoned me to go to prison had just reappeared in front of me. Expecting me to be jumping for joy, were you?"
"I didn't want to leave ye, Steven-"
"I don't want to hear this."
Brendan nodded, but looked conflicted. "That nurse, she knew my name."
"Well she would have done if she was treating you."
"I mean she knew who I was. Recognised me. Only not from the news, she said. Ye know her?"
Ste sighed. He supposed revealing some personal information about himself – information that was new to Brendan, at least – was better than digging up the past. "Tegan. She's my sister. Well, half-sister; I've got two of them. And two nieces."
"Chez mentioned ye had found your real father. I'm sorry ye lost him again."
"What else has she told you?" Ste ignored Brendan's pity. He didn't know how he felt about him knowing all this in advance.
"Just that ye haven't had it easy."
When have I ever, though, Ste thought. Nothing new there.
"Is there a point to all this?" he asked.
"Yes," Brendan said seriously. "I cut ye out of all this…the prison visits, everything so that ye could live a better life without me."
"Oh well, thank you so much. What a favour you've done me."
"I thought ye would end up happy. I thought ye would get the kids back, find someone else who deserves ye. I wanted ye to have a proper life, the one I couldn't give ye." Brendan's mind lingered over a different time, remembering that last day before everything had imploded. Maybe in the next life you'll get a better me. No, because after today we get our happy ever after.
"A proper life. Right. Where shall I start then, with my thrilling life story? The night the flat exploded and Doug died, or the day I had to help my mam die because she was too ill to do it for herself?"
Brendan jolted in his seat, and Ste realised that Cheryl hadn't been gossiping as much as he'd thought. Not that even she knew everything about his life, but she certainly knew enough.
"Steven…" the older man whispered, stunned. "When did ye…when did this happen?"
Ste stared at the table that separated them. "A few months after you…left."
"I thought ye had nothing to do with your mum."
"Don't. I'm not talking to you about that."
"Okay. But…there's more, isn't there? Please, I need to hear it."
"And I need to move on from it. D'you think this is like some kind of therapy for me, telling you about all the crap that's gone on since you got yourself locked up? You think it's going to help me, if I tell you that I got into drugs and now I'm a recovering addict? Or that I went out and got so drunk one night that I slept with Sinead and now I've got another kid? Or how about the time I went temporarily insane and decided to get a girlfriend and be straight for a while!"
At the look on Brendan's face, Ste laughed. He wasn't feeling particularly amused but he couldn't help enjoying the way his revelations seemed to affect the man. "Sounds like I'm making it up, doesn't it? Well I'm not. My little girl's called Hannah. She wasn't a mistake, at least."
While that part had been a shock to say the least, it was the drugs that Brendan was most worried about. He'd never thought that Steven might end up in that much trouble; in fact he'd all but convinced himself that all of the younger man's problems would disappear once he himself had gone.
How was it that instead, the opposite had happened?
"Drugs," he said eventually, which at least let Ste know that he wasn't dwelling on the idea of him suddenly forgetting he was gay.
"I don't want to hear any shit from you about what a hypocrite I am. Judging you when I thought you were dealing and then I went and did it myself. I was in a bad way, right. I'm not proud of it."
"Ye went back to dealing as well?" the more Brendan heard, the sicker he felt.
"I wasn't using back then, I was just skint. I didn't start on the coke until later, after Sam and Danny died." Brendan gave him a confused look, so Ste elaborated. "My dad and his wife."
"But ye got clean, though." It was a statement rather than a question, because the answer was clear. Ste knew he looked healthier than he had done in years. This was strange to him considering his condition – the only other thing he had yet to reveal.
"Thanks to my sisters I did. They used the money from Sam and our dad's life insurance to pay for rehab. I'd have been on a waiting list otherwise."
"That's…that's good, Steven. I'm glad ye have people ye can rely on."
"Yeah, they've looked out for me, Leela and Tegan." Ste suddenly caught himself, noting that they were sat there having a normal conversation; almost as though Brendan wasn't in prison for murder and this wasn't their first conversation in years. "What are we doing? What even is this?"
"We're just talking, Steven," Brendan replied calmly, and Ste wanted to scream at him in that moment. He'd basically found himself keeping the man company, as if he somehow owed him that. Brendan had managed to draw him in all over again.
"Why now? What's the point of all this?"
Brendan ignored him in favour of a question of his own. "Why did your Tegan know my face?"
"What? I don't know, she must have seen your photo with my stuff at home."
"Ye kept my picture?"
Ste gave him a look that said "are you for real?" and let out a long breath. "I'm not made of stone, Brendan. I couldn't just burn all my reminders of you and wipe you out of my life. Plus there were the kids' drawings of you. Didn't have the heart to throw away our Leah's first picture with 'the hairy man' in it."
Brendan smiled as a happy memory flooded his mind: Steven telling him that his little girl wanted him to read her a story. Up until he'd become Daddy Brendan to her, Leah's nickname for him had been 'the hairy man'. Now the thought of Steven still having a memento of their time together had him uncurling his hand to reveal a folded piece of paper. It was one of the only things he was allowed to keep in his cell with him.
He unfolded the paper to reveal a faded photograph. It was of Steven; it was his half of the picture of him and Douglas from their wedding booklet. The booklet that had been made by Cheryl during her short-lived stint as a wedding planner. Brendan smoothed out the photo that had become so precious to him and pushed it across the table towards the man himself.
Ste stared down at the younger, skinnier version of himself, instantly recognising where Brendan had got the snap from. Tears sprang to his eyes but he furiously wiped them away. "What am I supposed to say? You've kept this picture of me, so what? I've still got this," impulsively he pulled something out of his pocket and dropped it onto the table. "But all it does is remind me of what I've lost."
Brendan couldn't find the words. A prison guard was passing by and, on noticing that an object had been put in front of him, made a point of stopping to take a closer look. Satisfied that the visitor wasn't up to anything dodgy, the guard nodded and walked on.
Ste picked up the item again and stared at it. It was the cross necklace that Brendan had left with him at the hospital after the bus crash. He had always kept it close by, knowing how important it had been to Brendan. Now he held it out to him.
"You should have it back. You need it more than I do now." It wasn't said as a dig; though he tried to sound detached. Brendan had faith and believed in God, but Ste didn't. For him, holding onto the necklace had been more of a comfort for him – and a reminder.
"No," the older man replied firmly. "I gave it to ye. It belongs to ye now."
"Just take it."
"No, Steven."
"I don't even believe in God. It's wasted on me."
Brendan laughed. He shook his head at him. "It doesn't matter. I gave it to ye for protection after the accident. I asked for ye to be kept safe. That's the only thing that necklace means to me now."
"Safe?" Ste ran his thumb over the cross pendant. He was about to make some harsh comment about its powers not keeping him safe from HIV, but he couldn't bear to see the disgust in Brendan's eyes. Then, thinking yet again about why he was here in the first place, he remembered something from the voicemail.
"That message you left me – what did you mean by 'just in case'?"
"What?"
"You said you had to try, just in case. In case what?"
He watched as Brendan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I should never have said that," he replied when he had opened his eyes.
"So why did you?" Ste pressed on.
"It doesn't matter, Steven."
"Yeah well, it does to me. I mean, I'm here, aren't I?"
"Like I said, I wanted to check on ye. Make sure ye are okay."
"That doesn't answer the question."
Brendan's mouth curled into that small, familiar smile. "Ye aren't going to give up, are ye?"
"No. In case what?"
After a beat of silence, he finally relented. "In case…in case ye still love me."
Ste felt vulnerable and angry all at the same time. "Isn't it obvious? Even when I hate you, I still love you. It's always been like that with you."
The Irishman released a deep breath. "And I love ye," he replied.
"Well I didn't seriously think you'd asked me here because you'd stopped loving me," Ste snapped. "So you called me up, just in case I still love you, because…?"
Brendan shifted in his seat. He looked away, then looked around awkwardly until he finally met the younger man's eye again. "Because something's about to happen, and it's selfish of me to hope but I wanted to check how ye would feel about it first."
Ste was still clutching the necklace, and now his fingers tightened over the cross. "What are you on about now?"
"After I saw ye the other day I…made a decision. To tell the truth."
He felt sick. "Is this a joke? What the hell is the matter with you?"
"It's not a joke, Steven. I've already spoken to my solicitor."
"So after all this time you're just going to drop Cheryl in it? You wouldn't tell the police anything when it happened, nothing about what Seamus did to you. You wouldn't even try for self-defence and now you're telling me that you're going to-"
Brendan reached out and lightly brushed Ste's hand with his own. Ste jumped at the sudden contact but couldn't bring himself to pull away. "I am going to tell them what happened to me," Brendan told him. "I wasn't going to involve Chez but she took the decision out of my hands. Same as I did to her when it happened, she said. She made a statement after she spoke to me. After I saw ye at the hospital."
"She did that because of me? I mean, because you saw me?" Ste pulled his hand away and used it to rub at his eyes, wondering whether this conversation was really happening. Maybe he was about to wake up. This was ridiculous.
"She did it for both of us. I did tell her it wouldn't be that simple."
"Too right it's not!" He slid his chair back, moving himself even further away from Brendan. "If you're really going to try and get out of here then you do it for yourself, Brendan, not for me."
"Steven, I-"
"No, just stop. You can't use me as a reason to fight anymore. You had the choice to do that, that night at the club. And I never came into it. Anyway it's not worth your time, involving me in this. Because when you find out what I am you won't want to know."
He stood up, shaking but ready to say it. Brendan stared at him, opening his mouth to protest that of course he had thought about him when he had made that choice; the sacrifice to save Cheryl's future. Of course he had. But Ste's last remark had wrong-footed him. "What ye are? What does that mean?"
"It means I'm HIV Positive," Ste announced, not even waiting for the reaction as he turned around and walked away.
When he got home to find both of his sisters at home but no Cameron, Ste breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to talk, and it had to be just them.
Leela was in the kitchen making coffee and asked if he wanted one. He managed to say yes and sat down next to Tegan.
"You look terrible! What's happened?" Tegan asked, looking worried.
Once Leela had joined them he took a deep breath and blurted out where he had been. Then he kept on talking before they could really express their shock. He had told them about Brendan before, but they had not the first clue about what really went on, and why he was really in prison. Ste had of course kept it a secret, something shared only between him, Brendan and Chez. Now he was finally able to say the words aloud.
By the time he had finished, ending with what the man had just told him, Tegan was tearful and Leela was beyond gobsmacked.
"So, what did his sister say, in her statement?" Leela asked when she could finally form words.
"I don't know. I didn't ask. I told him it was a waste of time if he was doing any of this for me. I told him…about my illness."
Tegan spoke up. "How does that come into it?"
"He'll be disgusted by me."
Leela's mouth dropped open. "But Ste, he loves you. Everything you've said up until now tells us that."
"I told you what happened between us before. He couldn't handle being gay so he took it out on me. Just because he came to terms with that doesn't mean he could handle being with someone who has HIV."
"What did he say when you told him?" Tegan asked, wiping at her eyes.
"I didn't wait around to hear it. I left as soon as I'd said it."
She smacked him on the arm, glaring at him. "Well that was stupid. I'm not saying what he did to you years ago is okay, obviously it's not. But it doesn't sound like Brendan is that man anymore. You could have given him a chance to show that."
Ste rubbed his arm. "That hurt, by the way," he pointed at it. "And why are you so bothered? I mean, why stand up for a bloke you don't even know?"
"Because I saw the way he looked at you at the hospital. And the way you looked at him. You never looked at John Paul like that. Or even Harry, and we all thought you were really into him."
Even Leela raised her eyebrows at that. Ste looked away. It was true that things with Harry had seemed good. There had been something there with him that hadn't existed when it came to Doug or John Paul. He had loved him – he wouldn't have risked losing an old friendship with Tony if he didn't, though to his relief they remained friends to this day. But Ste eventually realised that the way he'd loved Harry wasn't exactly the type of love that he craved. It had been comfortable, and yeah, it had even been exciting for a while. But there was actually more lust than there was love in the first place; nothing was ever going to compete with how Brendan made him feel.
"Come on, Ste," Leela tried. "Teegs is right, isn't she?"
He sighed. "Brendan was the love of my life, alright? I never said I don't still love him. But this doesn't change anything. We can't go back."
"No, but you can go forward. You might get to have a future together," Tegan pointed out.
"Oh shut up, you sound like you're quoting one of those cheesy romcoms."
Ste was trying to lighten the mood a bit, but it didn't do the trick. In fact, Tegan looked even more miserable than he'd been when he'd walked through the door.
"I was thinking more about the fact that you actually have a chance at a future with the love of your life; but the love of mine is gone forever," Tegan said tearfully.
Leela put an arm around her, and Ste took her hand. "I'm sorry," he replied. "I know how much you loved Ziggy. Still love him. And I saw how much he loved you too."
"We wasted so much time because we were too scared to really give it a go, until it was too late." She squeezed his hand. "But it's not too late for you and Brendan. Not really."
Closing his eyes, Ste let go of his sister's hand. He was dwelling on how much it had hurt to lose this man, the man he couldn't stand to lose for a second time. "You weren't there last time," he said. "It nearly tore me apart."
His phone rang then, and when he saw Cheryl's name lighting up the screen he wondered if she had sensed what he was discussing. "It's his sister," he told the girls.
"So answer it!" Leela said quickly.
He wasn't ready to find out exactly what was going on, but would he ever really be ready? He couldn't ignore Cheryl forever.
"Hi," he said, finally pressing the call button.
"Ste! Are ye okay?"
"Not really."
"I spoke to Brendan. Ye went to see him, then," she said carefully.
"Told you everything, did he?" Ste replied bitterly.
"No, he didn't. He just said the visit didn't end well. He's worried about ye. So am I."
"Shouldn't you be more worried about yourself? He told me what you've done. What did you say, in this new statement?"
Cheryl hesitated. Ste grew concerned, despite wishing he could stay out of it for his own sake. "Oh God, are you calling me from prison?"
Her response was immediate this time. "No, no I'm not. They charged me then bailed me. I…I told them the truth, Ste. Not the specifics, that's not my call to make, but I told them I was trying to protect my brother when I pulled the trigger. It's all three years too late I know, but it was time."
"What did they charge you with?"
"Perverting the course of justice. Manslaughter has been mentioned but they're going to question Brendan again first, because of his prints on the gun. All those things he did to protect me that night, Ste…he made damn sure it would all be pinned on him."
"Yeah," Ste sighed. "Don't I know it."
"Hey," Cheryl said softly. "My brother loves ye to bits, Ste. He always has. He may have made that choice because of me, but it wasn't easy for him. Ye know I tried to stop him…" she paused, her voice cracking. "He said ye were so close, ye and him. So close to having a proper future. We all were, Brendan said. Until that man came back."
The venom in her voice was overpowering, even over the phone. Ste felt her pain, felt it for Brendan too. Seamus was still casting a shadow over both of the Bradys' lives.
"So what happens now?" he asked.
"Well, Bren's already spoken to his solicitor. He said he'd told ye?" Ste mumbled out an agreement, and Cheryl continued. "He's going to tell the police what happened, what our…what he did to him when he was a wee boy. They never did charge him for the other murders, ye know, Walker and the rest because it could never be proved. I'm hoping he could get his conviction overturned, and Nate's hired me a decent solicitor too – he's an old friend of his, so…" She trailed off.
Ste didn't cut in, knew she wasn't finished yet. He looked around to see that his sisters had left him alone in the living room, and for a moment it was almost like he was in the place as he knew it before; when it was their home. Brendan and Cheryl's. Cheryl's voice pulled him out of his memories.
"He's been great, Nate has. He understands why I have to do this. It was just…hearing Brendan on the phone, after he saw ye. After all that time without ye, I knew it had broken him and I just snapped. This will never really end until I at least try and put it right."
Slumping down in his seat, Ste dared to believe that maybe everything could be put right. But his visit to Brendan was still playing on his mind. "Chez?" he said in a small voice, and she sensed his anxiety.
"What is it, babe? What happened today? He wouldn't tell me."
"I filled him in on my car crash of a life. Well, just the highlights really. Then I told him I've got HIV and I just stormed out."
Cheryl gasped. "Ye…what? Why didn't ye tell me? Are ye alright, are ye having treatment or-"
"It's under control. I have to take medication every day, but it's going okay right now."
"Oh, Ste. Brendan sounded upset earlier but I couldn't get him to tell me a thing," she replied.
"No wonder. He won't want to know now, will he. He'll never see me in the same way."
This seemed to shock Cheryl even more than the original bombshell. "That's ridiculous! He loves ye," she insisted for a second time. "He didn't sound any different than any other time we've talked about ye, apart from the fact that he's worried sick because of how ye left things. He didn't know if he'd ever see ye again after today so he asked me to check if ye are okay."
Ste sat up again. "Well you can tell him I'm fine and that he doesn't need to keep tabs on me out of guilt."
"Don't ye dare think like that! Ye know him better than that, love."
Without really thinking about it, and because he simply had no energy left to carry on the conversation, he suddenly announced, "I've got to go. I hope it all works out for you both, I really do." And then he hung up on her.
Then he switched off his phone before she had a chance to call back.
For the next two days, Ste kept himself busy with visiting the kids, working at the restaurant he ran with Tony and even arranged an extra counselling session. He worried that if he stopped for long enough to think he would either fall apart, or worse – try contacting his old dealer for drugs.
When he got home from The Hutch, the girls forced him to sit down and relax and he didn't have the heart to avoid them. Leela had ordered a takeaway and for once, Cameron wasn't getting on his nerves. If he wasn't so exhausted he might have questioned whether his sister had told her boyfriend all about his business. They were all chatting away and it was a good distraction for him, so he just smiled and stared at the television.
Peri was channel-surfing when Ste spotted it, and he grabbed the remote control from her hand. It was a news headline: 'Murder Case Re-Opened Due To New Evidence'.
Tegan and Leela were looking at him, mouths open in shock. Even they knew that this was about Brendan.
Ste had been ignoring calls from Cheryl since he'd last spoken to her but now he picked up his phone and disappeared upstairs to ring her. "Cheryl, it's on the news," he stated needlessly – she would have seen it for herself. "What…" he stopped, breathing heavily. "Just tell me."
"He's done it, Ste," she said simply. "He's told the police, spoken to psychiatrists, the lot. Told them about the…the abuse," her voice shook over the word. "Every single detail. He had to; they wouldn't let him skim over it."
He lay down flat on his bed. He felt cold all over at the thought of all the questions Brendan would have had to face. "Have you spoken to him again?"
"Yes. I think he's okay, just won't stop asking about ye. He said he'd promised not to call ye again so he's stuck to that, but he needs to know that ye will be alright. I didn't know what to tell him."
Ste sat up again. He thought about it; really thought about how he was feeling right now. Then he compared it to how this man he loved must be feeling after reliving the worst thing that had ever happened to him. "Tell him he doesn't have to worry about me. Really, Chez. I mean that."
"I will, babe. But listen, Bren backed up my new statement and now that he's told them what happened to him I've given the police the USB stick with that recording on. It's all moving faster than either of us thought it would. There's a hearing tomorrow morning, that's to do with what I'm charged with and then Brendan goes to court in the afternoon. I think that's when a judge will decide whether there needs to be a retrial or…or I don't know what. An appeal, maybe?"
This didn't feel real. Suddenly he knew exactly what he wanted, though, so he told Cheryl he'd be at her hearing the following day, that there was something he had to do now and hung up. Then he found the number for the prison and asked for a visiting order for the next morning.
It was a risk for him, for how he would cope in the future; going to see Brendan again. What if he was right and the man couldn't bear to be anywhere near him after what he'd told him? That assumption didn't seem to sit right with Cheryl, though, and he had decided that his own sisters might be right. It was worth giving him a chance.
So after a sleepless night, Ste was once again sitting in the prison visiting hall opposite Brendan. "Cheryl told me what you did. Brendan, that was really brave."
The older man was staring down at his hands. "No it wasn't."
"Yes, it was," Ste insisted. "Look at me."
Reluctantly raising his head until their eyes were locked, Brendan had that same haunted look on his face as that day when he'd turned up at Ste's old flat. The night where he had felt himself unravelling as he fell apart in the younger man's arms.
"I know how hard that must have been for you," he continued now that Brendan was looking at him. "Seriously, telling them everything like that? I'm…I'm proud of you." He had blurted that out before he could stop himself. It may not have been his place to say it but he needed him to know.
The look on Brendan's face now told him he'd done the right thing. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he replied firmly.
"I didn't think ye were coming back."
"Neither did I."
"So why did ye?"
"I told you, I spoke to Chez," Ste repeated, as if that was all the explanation that was needed. Maybe it was.
Brendan was looking at him carefully now. "Steven, what ye told me the other day, before ye left-"
"Don't," he cut him off. "I can't."
The Irishman held his hands up. "Okay. I won't ask ye any questions, if that's what ye want. But ye need to know that nothing has changed."
This time it was Ste who avoided Brendan's gaze, and Brendan's turn to regain his attention. "Steven. Steven!" The demanding tone forced him to look again. "Ye really thought I wouldn't want ye anymore because of your…"
He trailed off, and Ste shook his head. "You can't even say it, can you? It's that repulsive to you."
Brendan looked horrified at the suggestion, and then completely adamant. "No! Do ye remember when I told ye that nothing ye do will ever stop me from loving ye? Steven, I don't care that ye have HIV. I only care about whether ye will be okay. Because I can't lose ye – even if I don't have ye back in my life. I need to know that nothing's gonna take ye away."
For a minute Ste might as well have been back on that bridge in Dublin. I couldn't have lost ye, Steven. Everything rang true and he realised that Brendan meant every word.
"Right," he said, accepting the declaration for what it was. "The trouble is I can't promise you that," he added honestly. "Things are looking good right now, but I could get ill one day. But that doesn't mean I'm on a death sentence, either."
Brendan looked pained for a moment, then his face cleared and he simply nodded. "Okay."
"And about this hearing this afternoon. I'll be there. I'm already going to Cheryl's one after this, so."
"I don't know what'll happen, Steven. It might not change anything."
"They believed you," Ste argued. "They've taken Cheryl's statement seriously. I'm not expecting miracles overnight but I know things are changing. And either way, you're not stopping me this time, Brendan."
Brendan smiled; there was a familiar fondness in his eyes. "I know."
Ste sat in the courtroom and watched as Cheryl pleaded guilty to perverting the course of justice. She had also been charged with a version of manslaughter, and her solicitor asked that she be given a moment to speak before making her second plea. She got the chance to state her sole reason for using a gun she'd merely found minutes before viewing a recording that proved what her father had done. A recording that she had been able to hand over to the police to back up what she had told them.
And then she pleaded guilty to the second charge.
Ste was expecting to hear that a trial would happen in a few weeks' time, but instead the judge took everything into account there and then – including the recording of Brendan's harrowing conversation with Seamus, which it turned out had been viewed before the hearing. He said that it was not in the public's interest to take the case to trial and jury, and that it was clear Cheryl was not a danger to anyone. She was given a two year suspended sentence for manslaughter, but sentenced to six months in prison for perverting the course of justice.
Any prison time served because of Seamus Brady seemed unjust to Ste, but he knew it could have been far worse. He met Cheryl's eye as she was led away and she sent him a watery smile. She nodded towards him and Nate, who was sat next to him; her way of telling them that she would be alright.
By the time he returned to court for Brendan's hearing, Ste was more than a little dazed. Someone sat down beside him at the last minute and he turned to find it was Mitzeee. She saw his confusion and whispered in his ear that she had come back to make a statement of her own to the police. Although he had never known this, she had been the first person Brendan had directly confided in about the abuse, and she hadn't hesitated when his solicitor had called and explained what was going on.
The same judge from earlier that morning reappeared and, after the formalities were out of the way, announced that there would be no retrial. The application for an appeal, however, was granted, meaning that Brendan's murder conviction was being officially overturned.
Ste felt a sob building in his throat and fought to keep it inside. He studied Brendan's face and found that the man was already watching him, his expression vacant but his eyes telling a different story.
The judge continued, explaining that Brendan was undoubtedly guilty of perverting the course of justice. Although from what was said it seemed his decision to take control of what had happened that night meant that his sentence should be more severe than his sister's. However, Brendan had already served more than three years in prison, so he would now be released in just a few weeks.
Ste thought he must be dreaming. In fact, he had dreamt about this moment many times before. On his left, Mitzeee was beaming at him; on his right, Nate was smiling but his brow was creased in obvious concern for his wife. Brendan was led away again, but this time it didn't matter. This time it wasn't forever.
Five weeks later the release date had arrived. He had been to visit Cheryl a few times; it was looking likely that she wouldn't have to serve her full sentence. She was coping well, which was a relief for both Nate and Brendan.
Ste had only been to see Brendan once more since the hearing, meaning it had now been a month since they'd last been face to face. It had been the older man had insisted that Ste had enough to deal with without traipsing back and forth to the prison every week. "The last thing ye need is any extra stress, Steven."
"Been reading up on HIV, have we?" Ste had replied, but not unkindly.
"Ye would be surprised how much of an open mind I've had since…well, since I accepted who I really am and who I want to be with," Brendan had told him with a soft smile.
The result of this conversation was that he should also stay home on the day Brendan was to leave prison. Naturally, Ste wasn't very happy about this, but Leela and Tegan stayed at home with him, waiting. When there was a knock at the door early in the afternoon, Ste almost jumped out of his skin even though it was thoroughly expected. Tegan told him to stay on the sofa and calm down while she went to open the door.
It wasn't him. It was Amy.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, more on edge than ever.
"Thanks for that warm welcome, Ste!"
"Ames!" He said as she came and sat down beside him. "Seriously, why are you here now?"
"You mean it's not obvious?" she asked with a smirk. "I've come to welcome home the returnee."
"If this is your way of making it clear that I can't see Leah and Lucas if I'm back with Brendan, right-"
She cut him off. "That's not why I'm here. I'm not going to stop you from seeing them again. I've done a lot of thinking, since you told me about everything. So I'm here to see him, and I'm not planning on becoming his best friend or anything but I promise I'll give him a chance. For you. And for the kids, because I know they still love him."
Ste's mouth dropped open. "Really?"
Amy nodded. Leela shared a look with Tegan as they watched their smiling brother, before offering Amy a cup of tea.
An hour later, there were two short, sharp knocks on the door. This time Leela went to stand up, but he stopped her. "I'll get it."
He took a deep breath and opened the front door, half expecting it to be Tony with some work-related issue, or Sinead dropping Hannah off at the last minute. After all, life had a habit of delaying what you most wanted to see.
Life was on Ste's side today, though. "Hello, Steven."
Brendan was leaning on the doorframe, grinning at him. The beard looked longer than ever and he needed one hell of a haircut, but the sight of him still made Ste's breath catch in his throat.
"What time d'you call this?" he joked, but he could feel his eyes watering even as he laughed.
"Sorry. Had to go and see Chez first."
"Oh yeah, 'course. She okay?"
Brendan nodded. "So…can I come in, then?" he said, tilting his head to study him, affection lacing his voice.
Realising he'd been frozen in place while staring, Ste awkwardly moved aside. The girls all stayed seated, and as Brendan picked up his bag and made his way inside the first person he acknowledged was Amy.
"Long time no see," she said in greeting, cool and collected as ever when it came to this man.
"Amy. Always a pleasure," he replied charmingly. She rolled her eyes. Just like old times, it seemed.
"So you've met Tegan already," Ste announced as his sisters greeted Brendan with easy smiles. "And this is Leela, she's the oldest."
"Now there was no need to say that, was there?" Leela pointed out playfully. "Anyway, I look younger than you, Ste. That perm hasn't done you any favours, mate."
There was a low chuckle from Brendan. "Ah, I was wondering what everyone else's thoughts were about his hair," he mused aloud.
Ste sighed, folding his arms in front of him. "Sort your own hair out before you comment on mine, thanks very much!" he shot back, but he was enjoying himself. The whole thing felt ridiculously unreal, and yet it was actually happening.
"Right," Tegan jumped up from her seat. "Shall we go for a coffee, girls? Leave these two alone for a while."
Leela and Amy got to their feet to join her. "I'll be heading back to pick up the kids from school after that, so I'll see you later," Amy told Ste. Then she looked at the both of them, nodding to Brendan. "Maybe I'll bring them round at the weekend?"
"Yeah, great," Ste hugged Amy happily.
"I'd love to see them," Brendan added, looking delighted.
Two minutes later they had gone, and suddenly Ste didn't know what to do with himself.
"Well, that went surprisingly well. Ye okay?"
He looked up to find Brendan watching him again. "Yeah, I think so. You?"
"Hmm. Well, I'm here with ye, so yes, Steven, I'm okay. More than okay."
"Good," Ste replied. "Sit down, then, you're making me nervous just standing there like that."
Following orders, Brendan flopped down on the sofa. "What have ye got to be nervous about?"
"I don't know, it's just…us. What exactly are we doing, now that you're back? Are we together?"
"Well I would hope we are, as long as that's what ye want. Come here, then," he patted the space next to him.
Ste sat down and looked at him. "Of course it's what I want. But I want to do it properly this time. I don't want anything coming between us, because there's no way I could get over you a second time. Well, I never actually got over you at all, that's why we're here, aren't we?"
That fond smile came over Brendan's face again.
"I'm rambling, aren't I?" Ste asked, making a face.
"Yes. I've missed that."
"Really, that's what you've missed?"
Brendan reached up to brush back a stray curly strand of the younger man's hair, then gently cupped his face in his hands. "Among other things. Listen, nothing's gonna break us this time, I promise ye."
He nodded, leaning into Brendan's touch. "Still can't believe you're here. I love you."
"Love ye too." And with that, he closed the gap between them and kissed him.
It started off slow, tender, both of them mindful of how long it had been and trying to savour the moment. Then Ste moaned into his mouth and reached out, clinging onto him as things deepened.
They broke apart, hearts racing, and Brendan was concerned when Ste's expression changed from amorous to anxious. "Hey, what is it?"
"I want you," he replied quietly, looking away.
"And ye've got me, Steven."
"I know, but I mean I want you, now," he emphasised his meaning. "But we should wait."
Brendan caught his meaning. "Ye can still…" he trailed off, thinking about the other man's condition and wondering.
Ste knew exactly what he was trying to ask. "Yeah, yeah I can, we just have to be more careful than anyone else. But I've only just got you back and I don't want us to be worrying about all that right now…even though I really want to be with you."
"Ye are with me, though. I want ye too, ye know, but we've got all the time in the world now."
"'Cos I've got you forever," Ste breathed, his lips curling into another smile.
"Forever," Brendan confirmed, pulling him closer to his body.
"You will stay here tonight anyway, won't you?" he checked. "I still don't get why you want to book into a hotel. Leela and Teegs are happy for you to stay."
"And what about your Leela's fella?"
Ste smirked. "He'll do as he's told, trust me. Cameron doesn't like me but he has no choice but to 'put up with me'. Although surely it should be the other way around after what he did." Brendan raised an eyebrow at him. "Story for another day," Ste added quickly, unwilling to go into it.
"Right, well anyway what about those nieces of yours? They might have seen me on the news and I don't want to upset anyone. Especially anyone that's important to ye."
"Rose is too young to know, and our Peri knows enough about you that she's dying to meet you, so there's no worries there," Ste grinned.
"I'll stay tonight, Steven, but I'm still not sure about moving back in here. Anyway I was hoping ye might want to move in with me? Just gonna take a bit of time to find somewhere ideal."
Stunned, Ste felt the tears in his eyes all over again. "Are you…really? You want to get a place together?"
"Is it too soon?"
"After three years without you? No way! Let's do it."
Brendan pulled him into another kiss, long and fierce and passionate. It was some time before untangled themselves from each other and Ste looked at him.
"What are you thinking now?" he asked, noting the thoughtful look on his face.
"I was thinking about going to Ireland next week, see the boys. Are ye up for a trip back to Dublin?"
Ste's eyes lit up.
"That a yes, is it?"
"No, I was thinking about what I'm having for dinner," he replied in a deadpan voice. "Brendan, consider me always up for a trip to Dublin. You gonna get a haircut before we leave, though?" he added, eyes twinkling.
"Gonna sort out that perm, are ye?"
"Shut up."
"I've missed this," Brendan sighed.
"What," Ste leaned against his shoulder. "Me telling you to shut up?"
"All of it, Steven. I've missed all of it. Now, ye said something about dinner before?"
He laughed, standing up to head into the kitchen. Some things would never change – but he wouldn't have it any other way.