Normally, I never write fanfiction for a couple this early on, because I feel like I don't know their dynamic well enough yet to do it justice, and in this case, the same problem applies to James himself since he's a new character too, and their storyline is barely getting started, buuut…apparently Starr and James are just too irresistible, so this monstrosity was created, haha.
This takes place in a future setting, where Starr and James have known each other for a while, and the storyline with Bull/James's abusive dad has come to a head, and so note that thanks to all that bonding time, Jarr are totes BFF's at this point. Oh, and note, I can't remember what the age difference between James and Ford is, if they've even mentioned it, so far all I know, a certain scenario James mentions is totally unrealistic- if that's the case, just work with me. Also, it only pertains to one brief sentence, but I don't think Starr actually knows that Cole tried to get Schuyler murdered by Todd, so I'm also pretending she does.
All I Need
"Is James okay?"
"M'am, I'm very sorry, but I already told you, unless you're family, I cannot release any-"
"Screw family!" Starr screeched in disbelief, not caring that she was throwing the biggest hissy-fit ever in the hospital waiting room. Blair, who had been staying back and trying to let her daughter handle this, stared at Starr in shock, finally deciding to get involved.
"Starr, sweetie, calm down," she urged gently, rubbing her shoulders. "She didn't make the rules, she just has-"
"That is the most idiotic rule ever!" Starr continued screaming, throwing her mom's hands off of her as she berated the poor nurse. "He's in here because his father is an insane criminal who almost got him killed, but said father could find out his condition if he were here because he's blood related, while I, the girl he almost got killed protecting, can't, because I'm not- how does that make sense?"
"Starr!"
Starr's head snapped up, and when she saw that it was Ford who had called her name as he rushed down the hall, all her old hatred for him was immediately forgotten for the moment, and she nearly sank to her knees in relief.
"Ford, thank God you're here," Starr gasped when he reached her.
"Why? Is my brother okay?" he pressed frantically.
"I don't know! They wouldn't tell me anything because I'm not family," she sneered.
"I'm his brother," Ford said instantly. "You can tell me- please, how is he?"
"I'll need to talk to you alone, sir."
"But-" Starr began to protest. To her surprise, Ford threw her a reassuring look.
"I'll let you know, Starr, I promise."
"Okay," she sighed reluctantly.
Ford and the nurse walked away to talk privately, and Blair gently steered her daughter to a chair, pushing her to sit. Starr gave in and nearly folded over on herself, burying her head in her hands as hot tears burned her eyes.
"Starr, honey, James is a fighter, you know that. He'll be okay," Blair comforted her, rubbing her back.
"He has to be," Starr replied desperately, rubbing her eyes. "If he's not, it's all my fault."
"Starr, don't you dare think that- his father is the only one to blame for this, understand?"
Starr nodded half-heartedly, collapsing back against the chair with a heavy sigh, thinking about how it had all come to this point.
After weeks of the two of them running around in secret, frantically trying to keep each other safe, Starr had finally been unable to take the stress and lies anymore and had told her family(save Todd) all about James, hoping they'd be supportive and help once she explained the situation to them.
She'd explained how James was just trying to escape his abusive father who'd forced him into a life of crime and start a new life, that he'd stolen the $50,000 dollars that he was rightfully owed anyway so he could get away and go to school, make something of himself, and finally, that his own father had sent Bull, an ex-mob goon after James to reclaim his money, even if it meant James getting killed in the process, which is exactly what Starr had been trying to prevent for these past weeks.
They'd been sympathetic enough just hearing about it, but had been understandably concerned about her involvement. Unable to lie anymore, too tired of it, Starr had admitted that Bull had been on her tail since graduation, trying to use her to get to James, threatening to hurt her, and every member of her family had nearly had a heart attack at that point. They'd begged her to remove herself from the situation before she got hurt, and when her words hadn't been enough to make them see why she couldn't do that, she'd finally decided to just let them meet James, praying it'd be enough.
Thankfully, something went right in Starr's life for once and it was. Once they'd actually met James, they'd started singing a different tune, seeing something good in him, something that drew them in just like it had drawn Starr in. Blair in particular had become incredibly fond of him, his situation (abandoned by mother, raised by abusive father) setting every single one of her maternal, protective instincts on fire; plus, when Starr told them about everything James had done to help and protect her, he'd won himself about a thousand brownie points. Starr had been so relieved that she'd wanted to cry, and James, who had been terrified about letting anyone but Starr and his brother know he was even in town, had discovered what a good thing it was to have the Cramer women on your side.
They'd instantly formed a plan; first of all, no way were they giving his father $50,000 ('Cramer women don't negotiate with terrorists', Dorian had sniffed, admonishing for Starr for attempting to sell her car to get the funds). Instead, they were going to keep Hope with Cole and Marty to make sure she wasn't a target, send Starr up to a private cabin on Llantano mountain with Shaun, keep her hidden and safe, while they put James under police protection and worked with him and Ford to bring their father and Bull down.
It had seemed like it was going well enough, but today, it had all gone completely to hell. Bull had somehow found out where Starr was, left a taunting message on James's phone, telling him his little girlfriend was going to be in a world of trouble if James didn't get his ass up to the cabin, adding a warning that he'd kill Starr at the first sign of cops. He'd come storming in, obviously blood-thirsty after being evaded for so long, and promptly pistol whipped Shaun into unconsciousness.
He'd then grabbed a fistful of Starr's hair and held her painfully tight as they waited for James; Starr had mustered up her courage and spent the time mouthing off to her captor, informing Bull his plan was going to fail, that James would find some other way to save Starr and wouldn't just walk into a trap, which is why Starr's first words when James came dashing in to the trap all by himself ten minutes later were a hysterical wail of "James, you moron!".
The next ten minutes were a blur of threats and posturing, none of which Starr could recall very clearly, because her memory of everything that happened after James showed up was clouded by how it all ended; when it became clear that James did not have the money and had no intention of following any of Bull's orders, the man had snapped and proceeded to deliver one of the most brutal beatings Starr had ever had to witness, third only to the times Sergei, and then Cole, had nearly killed her father.
After what felt like years had passed, when James was a complete wreck on the cabin floor and Starr had nearly blown out her vocal cords from screaming at him to leave James alone, Bull finally backed off, only to hiss to James that he'd give him the motivation to come up with the money, starting towards Starr with a menacing look in his eyes.
Even though he was a complete mess already at that point, James had immediately struggled to his feet and lunged for Bull, desperate to keep him away from Starr, which had set off beating after beating. In the minutes that followed, even when it looked like James was down for the count, collapsed and bloody on the floor, the second the man made a move for Starr, James forced himself back up and into his path every single time, keeping his attention and more importantly, his fists, on him instead of Starr, as Starr cried and begged in the background, terrified that one more round of this and James wouldn't be capable of getting back up.
At the last second, when Starr had been about to scream that she'd do anything Bull wanted if he would just stop, Brody had come bursting in with about half the Llanview police department, guns raised, just in time to save the day- between this and the big rescue from the Russians, Brody was rapidly on his way to becoming Starr's favorite person in the world.
Once Bull had been dragged away in cuffs and James and Shaun rushed to the hospital, Brody had informed her that Ford had tricked him and James's father into admitting to everything; to the illegal activity, to the years of abuse, to sending Bull after his son not because he wanted James to come home, but because he wanted his money back, to giving the criminal permission to use force to get his cash back. Hell, he'd even surprised them by revealing he'd also paid Bull to assault Ford in an attempt to lure James to the city and draw him out of hiding, something none of them had figured out.
When Ford had revealed he was wearing a wire, apparently his dad had snapped and tried to attack him as well, screaming about how he was going to have someone come after Ford for real this time when he was done with the 'little bastard'', making Starr felt sick when she heard the story. For all Todd's faults, he was sounding like father of the year now- not only had the Ford boys father beaten them, but he had paid someone to almost kill one of his children, then sent the same man after the other, clearly not caring if he was murdered in the process, as long as he got his money back.
When everyone had tried to call Starr and James to let them know about Mr. Ford, tell them it was almost over, they'd all realized what must have happened when neither of them answered, their suspicions confirmed when Shaun failed to pick up as well, sending them all racing to cabin, praying they'd make it in time- and Starr was still praying they had now. Mr. Ford and Bull being locked up meant nothing if James wasn't okay.
Hating feeling so helpless to help the boy who had done so much for her, Starr just leaned into her mother miserably, keeping her focus on not falling apart and crying like she wanted to while she waited.
"Starr?"
Starr all but leapt out of her chair when she heard Ford's voice ten minutes later. He chuckled at her overexcited reaction, and Starr already felt her nerves ease- Ford wouldn't find anything funny right now if his brother wasn't okay.
"He's…?"
"He's alright," Ford assured her, his own relief clear. "Pretty banged up, bruising all the way down to the bone in some places like his hands, but nothing critical. I was just in his room and he's alert, talking, not in too much pain- he's gonna be just fine.
"Oh, thank God," Starr gasped, knees nearly buckling; Blair made a similar exclamation behind her. "Are you going back in to his room? Can you tell him something for me if you are?"
"Actually, I was about to head back to my place, grab some of his clothes and stuff for him; besides, he's asking for you right now."
"He is?" Starr asked in surprise, a pleasant shot of warmth rushing through her.
"Yeah, he really wants to see you, Starr. You can go in whenever you want, I told all the nurses to be expecting you. If he asks, tell him I should be back in a couple of hours."
"Okay," she said quietly. Ford flashed her a smile- and not his usual fake, sleazy grin, but a genuine smile- and turned to leave. Starr gnawed on her lip for a moment, then gave a heavy sigh, hating that she had to say this when she still disliked him so much. "Ford!" she called after him reluctantly, causing him to turn around. "Thank you."
"For…?"
"What you did today with your dad. I mean, James told me about how when you left, you swore you would never lay eyes on your dad again, but you confronted him today for your brother, and you pretty much saved James by doing that." Ford furrowed his brow, staring at Starr in disbelief.
"He's my little brother, Starr. Nobody has to thank me for doing whatever it takes to protect him- that's my job," he said firmly, sounding insulted by her thanks, which startled her.
"Ford, I didn't mean to-"
"I'll see you in a couple hours, Starr," he said tightly, turning and continuing on his way. Starr watched him go in surprise; apparently, she still had a few things to learn about Robert Ford. Shrugging off the encounter a second later, Starr turned back to Blair.
"You can go home, mom, I'll be fine now that I know he's okay. Besides, I'm sort of planning on staying until they forcibly kick me out," she admitted, blushing. Blair smiled knowingly, resisting the urge to say anything about it.
"If you're sure, sweetie. You call me if you need anything, and please tell James I said thank you, and that I'm glad he's okay."
"I will."
Blair left, and Starr resisted the ridiculous urge to just freaking bolt to James' room, forcing herself to stroll in calmly instead. Once she was in the doorway, Starr held her breath for a moment, letting herself just bask in the sight of him, conscious and safe. She scanned him up and down, needing to see for herself what the damage was, and slowly exhaled seeing that Ford was right; he wasn't hooked up to anymore machines than absolutely necessary, and all the bleeding there had been was stopped; he was covered in heavy bruising, but other than that, seemed to be okay.
"Hey," she announced her presence softly, tapping her knuckles on the open door. James looked up and his face split into a heart stropping grin the second he saw her; Starr felt her knees buckle for a second and internally laughed at herself. "Riding the morphine wave yet?" she teased lightly, crossing the room to his bedside chair and settling down.
"Not quite," he chuckled, glancing at the drip he was hooked up to. "Take notes if I say anything particularly entertaining once it kicks in, though."
"Of course. Oh, James…" Starr sighed weakly, growing serious. She reached out and lightly brushed her fingers across his black and blue cheek. He shut his eyes and leaned into her touch, causing her heart to feel like it skipped a beat. "God, I was so worried. Are you alright, do you feel okay?"
"Perfect now." Starr scoffed, shaking her head as she pulled away from him.
"Yeah, nothing to save your night like the girl who almost got you killed," she muttered bitterly.
"What? Starr, what are you talking about? You weren't responsible for any of this."
"That's a lie, and we both know it. I really can't understand how you don't resent me, even a little bit," she told him tearfully, looking over his bruises again.
"What is there to resent?" he cried. "Unless you body swapped with Bull at some point in the cabin and decided to take some aggression out on me, I'm not seeing it."
"Please don't joke about this, James," Starr choked out. "I can't look at you right now and not take what happened seriously."
"Starr, calm down, please- this was nothing."
"Oh my God! James, are you insane?" Starr wailed as she broke, the composure she'd been fighting and failing to keep completely vanishing. "How was it nothing? You could have died! I thought you were going to!"
"Nah, I'm alright, I knew I was gonna be fine," James said, smiling grimly, making a twisted attempt at a joke. "I know how to take a beating- practice makes perfect."
Starr inhaled sharply, tears blurring her vision.
"That's not funny," she hissed, feeling like her heart was bleeding as she thought about James suffering like this at his own father's hands for so many years. The image crossed her mind of James enduring what he had tonight but from his own dad, time and time again, and Starr felt like she was going to be sick. "Do you even care about what happens to you? Idiotic money hiding abilities aside, you're not dumb, James, I know damn well you must have been able to recognize how stupid rushing into his trap was, and yet you still did it! And you didn't even try to bluff like you had the money or were going to get it or anything! What's wrong with you?"
"Starr, I couldn't think about that anything like that at the time; I couldn't think about anything but keeping him away from you, keeping you safe," he told her heatedly.
"Me? Who cares about me, James?" she shrieked in frustration; Starr hated being the reason somebody she cared about got hurt, she hated how that tore at her gut, her conscience, and most of all her heart.
"I care, Starr, a whole hell of a lot!" James shot back, sounding angrier than he ever had with her before over Starr questioning her own worth. Ah, so here it was, the side of Starr Blair had warned him about, that seemed to feel the need to flog herself for everything that went wrong with anyone she cared about, no matter if anyone else believed it was her fault or not.
"Well maybe you should care a little less, because it almost got you killed tonight!" Starr yelled hysterically, the thought almost suffocating her with pure terror and grief. That shut James up instantly, his eyes widening as he stared at her in shock, slowly repeating her words a moment later.
"Maybe I should care a little less…" James trailed off, laughing to himself in disbelief as he collapsed against his propped up pillows with an exhausted sigh, rubbing his aching temples. "Oh my God, you did not just say that," he began muttering, clearly talking to himself far more than her. "This is not happening; I did not just suddenly experience what it's like to be Bobby."
"Wait, what?" Starr interjected with a frown, taking a deep breath and forcing herself to calm down; yelling and fighting couldn't be good for James right now, and she'd done enough damage. "Ford? What are you talking about? You're nothing like your scumbag brother, James."
"He's really not as bad as he seems, Starr," James said quietly, dropping his hands to his sides and looking back at her, his eyes warm as he talked about his brother, clouded with both defensiveness and understanding as usual- he'd quickly learned what a sensitive topic Bobby had made of himself to so many people in this town. "I wouldn't have moved here to be with him if he was. He's just…he's made a lot of mistakes."
"No kidding," she snorted.
"I'm not trying to excuse how he is, I'm really not, but you have to understand…our whole lives together, Bobby always protected me."
Starr realized what that meant and winced; the first time James had told her about what his father had done to convince him to join the…family business, she'd assumed that was when the abuse had started, but she'd found out later that Mr. Ford had actually been abusing his sons for years by then- that was just the first time he'd been doing it for a specific reason. Starr had never actually asked how long, she didn't want to know the horrific details, but she knew it was long enough that it had become ingrained in James. Nobody else noticed this (then again, nobody else watched James the way she did), but he still gave a small, reflexive flinch back and tensed up every time an authoritative male like John or Bo got upset, without even seeming to realize he was doing it, and just seeing that was more than enough to break her heart in two.
"Even though we all knew Bobby was the one with a future, the one who was going someplace and had something to lose, he'd still try to personally deal with all the criminals who came into the chop shop so they wouldn't become familiar with me. Worst of all, he'd intentionally piss our dad off so he'd get the beating and I'd be left alone for the night- you can't grow up that way without learning how to turn yourself off to all emotions, everybody's- you can't survive that if feelings don't become meaningless to you altogether. He just sort of…turned off because he had to. I think it was that way for so long that he forgot how to turn himself back on," James sighed sadly. "I don't think Bobby has felt a thing, anything, in years."
"Gee, James, they have a term for people with that problem- I believe it's called being a sociopath," Starr snapped, not particularly caring if she sounded like a bitch.
Her head screamed at her that she should do the Starr thing and just dole out forgiveness because Ford probably needed it after this whole mess, had maybe even earned it, and she'd certainly overlooked much worse crimes from Cole and her dad, but Langston was Starr's sister- it was her job to look after her just as much as it was Ford's job to look after James, and her heart couldn't let go of what Ford did, couldn't just be okay when Ford went as far as using Langston's dead parents to manipulate her into betraying everyone who loved her and climbing into his bed. A nagging, annoying little voice at the back of her head chose now to pipe in and reason with her, saying it made sense in a sad way, that having an absentee mom and abusive dad meant parents were meaningless to Ford and he truly couldn't comprehend how disgusting what he'd done was for that reason, but Starr shook it off- she didn't want logic, damn it, she just wanted to be pissed at the guy who'd used her best friend.
"He's not a sociopath, Starr," James chuckled. "I might have exaggerated a little, because if nothing else, he cares about me. Did he seem…I don't know, weird, to you, when he left?"
"Yeah, actually, kind of. What's up?"
"Damn, I knew it. I think he feels guilty; since he took the brunt of my dad's abuse, I know he just assumed things would taper out when he left, and now that he knows things actually just got worse and worse, he seems to feel bad about leaving me behind."
"Maybe he should," Starr muttered bitterly.
Truthfully, she didn't actually think that; she knew Ford couldn't have predicted just how vicious and crazy his dad was and that it wasn't fair to be upset with him for not staying in that hellhole or dragging James out with him and getting slapped with kidnapping charges, but whenever she thought about James, whom she'd come to care about so much, James, who was one of the best people she'd ever met, going through the torture he had, it made her desperate for someone to blame, and Ford fit the bill.
"Starr, don't," James said tightly. That was the only issue he ever got testy with her on, and she knew enough to drop it without a fight, the same way James already knew not to push her on Todd related issues. "Besides, that wasn't the point of that little story anyway. I'm just trying to say that even if I'm the only thing that matters to him even the slightest bit, it's still something. I'm not trying to tell you he's a good guy, I'm just saying…he's not all bad either."
"Look, James," she sighed. "I will always be grateful he protected you for all those years, and that he saved your life by facing your dad today, but I will also always think he's an ass, and if I see him near Langston anytime soon, I will kick him so hard in a certain appendage that he won't even think of having sex for at least a year" she informed him firmly. James chuckled.
"Hey, sounds like an excellent plan," he told her in amusement, shrugging. "No complaints. I'm saying I love my brother and he's not evil, not that he's not an ass and a severe man whore who could stand to be taught a lesson and knocked down a few thousand pegs. You know, he told me you came storming into his office and ripped him a new one a couple months ago," James told her, laughing. Starr recalled that night and couldn't help smiling- Ford seemed to get so much enjoyment out of making people squirm that it had felt really damn good to turn the tables on him for once. And hey, that reminded her- she still owed him a sharp slap to the face for calling her a little slut; she might be willing to look into the whole forgiveness thing once she collected on that.
"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, that was pretty fun."
"See, this is why I like your attitude," he chuckled. "Bobby needs someone like you to keep him in line, it'll be good for him." Starr bit her lip, trying not to show how pleased she was that James apparently saw her being around the Ford family enough to do that.
"But, anyway, I lost track of the point here, Starr…" he began again slowly, gathering himself. "I'm saying I get what it's like to be Bobby all of the sudden because the way he must have felt about protecting me is how I felt in that cabin tonight. I would get so pissed at him for doing it, for making me the reason he had to suffer, but he couldn't have cared less if I was mad at him as long as I was safe, and I get that now. I get how it feels to know that nothing else matters," he murmured intently, fixing a heavy gaze upon her. Starr's heart jerked within her chest, her stomach twisting and turning.
"You really mean that?" she asked after a beat, swallowing the lump in her throat.
God, it was insane how quickly she'd gone from trying to deny they were even really friends to needing him to mean that so badly that it was almost painful. 'Nothing else matters' sounded so perfect coming from him his lips, and she was startled to realize how true it rang for her; she'd been running herself ragged for weeks now, trying to protect him from Bull and his dad, and the best way to sum up why was exactly what he said- because nothing else had mattered.
"Of course I do. God, Starr," he breathed, shuddering over whatever possible outcome of this afternoon he'd allowed himself to visualize for a moment. "If I had let him hurt you for even a second, I wouldn't…"
James trailed off, leaving the thought unfinished as Starr caught his eye, and the two found themselves locked in an intense stare. For a moment, it felt as though someone had sucked all the air out of the room and dimmed the lights everywhere but around each other. Starr took a shaky breath, startled to find her hands trembling slightly as she stood from her chair and tentatively sat down on the edge of his bed, starting to lean in closer as her body moved on autopilot, her brain numb to everything but the way James was looking at her, but then all of the sudden, before she could move another inch, it was over. James abruptly cleared his throat and looked away, breaking the connection and Starr felt her heart sink, startled to feel a rush of disappointment.
"Nevermind," he muttered.
"What? James, what were you going to say?"
"It's not important."
"Maybe it is to me," she pressed.
"No, it'll freak you out," he mumbled uncomfortably.
"What? Why?"
"I shouldn't…" he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. "I shouldn't be thinking things like what I was about to say already, it's only been like, a month, I shouldn't feel that strongly about you."
"How…but maybe I…James, please just try me," she begged, suddenly feeling like she didn't just want but needed to know what he was going to say, needed it with every fiber of her being.
"Starr, if I had let him hurt you, I wouldn't have wanted to live anymore, okay? Do you really not get that? Practically everything I've done since that day in the park has been for you or because of you, I didn't think I was exactly subtle," he muttered, looking away as he braced himself for the rejection he was so sure was coming.
Starr was just staring at James in a stunned silence as her heart raced within her chest, struggling to comprehend what he had just told her, and James sighed, shaking his head.
"Look, Starr, you don't need to say anything, I know-"
And suddenly, Starr cut him off as she moved in even closer to James and pressed her mouth to his. James' lips were frozen against hers for a moment, the boy obviously in shock, but he began to eagerly respond with a passion a moment later, hands tenderly cupping her face and tilting her head to a better angle as his tongue brushed against the line of her lips. Starr instantly opened up for him, pleasant shivers rocking through her as he mapped her mouth, tongue intertwining with hers as he explored and tasted her. Starr wondered through a lust-filled haze how she had survived the past few weeks without this, the feel of his lips warm and responsive against her own.
Finally, her lungs aching, Starr reluctantly pulled away with a gasping breath, feeling like her lips were tingling as she gave James a sweet, hesitant smile.
"Starr…" James breathed, reaching a hand up to faintly touch his lips like he needed to feel physical proof to believe that had just happened. Starr cringed, a burning sensation at the back of her eyes for just a moment at the sight of the bandages wrapped around his fingers- severe bone bruising thanks to Bull stomping his hands; it was only by pure accident that Bull hadn't applied the force at the right angel and his fingers hadn't been broken, like the man had obviously intended. "Why did you do that?"
"How could I not?" she blurted out in disbelief, frantically shaking her head. "You can't say something like that to me, right after you just got beaten within an inch of your life because of me, and not expect me to do something like that."
"You need to quit acting like that was a big deal, Starr, because you were only in danger because of me in the first place, Starr, that situation was my fault," he sighed in guilt. "I never should have let it come to this. I should have left town, drawn him away from you, or just given up, found some way to get the money and gone back to my dad with-"
"No, don't you dare say that, James, any of it," she hissed. "There's no way I ever would have let you go back to your dad- if you had tried, I would have hunted you down and dragged your ass back myself," she snapped. It came out more like a threat than a promise, which make James chuckle to himself affectionately- yeah, that was his girl. "And just the fact you'd even consider going back to him, because of me, just like how you wanted me to turn you into the cops for my own sake, is why I kissed you, okay? It's…it's been a really long time since I've been somebody's priority like that," Starr admitted, averting her eyes.
She didn't like to really deal with this, think about how much it hurt that Cole had lost his belief and trust in her and given up so quickly, how disinterested her dad had gradually become once Dani came along and he could have a new family with Tea, how little she saw her mom anymore, how Langston had abused their relationship, how Markko couldn't seem to be bothered with her now that he wasn't with Langston.
"But then you came along, and you…you let this happen to you for me, and that says everything," she told him passionately. To her surprise, James furrowed his brow, leaning away from her slightly.
"So, this is…what, gratitude? Wanting someone who wants you? Or, what, even worse, you feel obligated because I protected you or something? I've wanted to kiss you since…that day in the park, honestly," he admitted, sounding like he had just realized that himself. "But I don't want it like this, not because-"
"It's not gratitude or obligation, you idiot!" Starr snapped in frustration. She finally opens her eyes, realizes who and what she wants, and of-freaking-course, James has to make it difficult. It's beyond irritating, but it's so him, and she wouldn't change that for anything. "I was just trying to say, it means a lot to me that you care that much, because I care about you too."
James still looked unsure, and Starr sighed, wishing she could make him understand easier.
"Okay, you're clearly not going to make this easy, so listen up, genius- I kissed you because I have feelings for you, period," she informed him firmly. "And I have feelings for you because you actually listen to me and care about what I have to say, you make me laugh like nobody has in years, and you're good with my daughter and I think she kind of loves you already and it doesn't freak you out that I'm a mom, and you didn't hold it against me every time I threatened to go to the cops-"
"To be fair, you threatened that about 200 times before we reached the point where you willingly admitted I was your friend, it kind of just lost its gravitas." Starr shot him a glare that clearly suggested he not interrupt, and he chuckled affectionately, nodding for her to continue.
"And you protect me when you don't have to, you've done that from day one when I was nobody to you, and I trusted you from day one, even when you kind of kidnapped me and almost ruined my car in the process-"
"Not my fault!"
"Oh my God, shut up and let me finish, you are ruining this big moment for me!"
James gave a warm smile of apology and reached out to take her hand in his, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over her knuckles; Starr practically melted. Okay, big moment back on.
"I trusted you even when you went kind of psycho and practically held me hostage in my aunt's cabin to keep me away from Bull," she couldn't resist teasing, shooting him a playful look before sobering up. "And I don't trust anyone anymore, not really, but something in my gut told me to and I have to believe that means something big. And, I don't know, it's just the little stuff; you gave me tissues for my 'allergies' and let me ramble about my crazy life, and you wanted my boyfriend to treat me like a star, and even when your life was in danger and I was threatening to turn the cops on you, you still cared about something as little as a mechanic ripping me off or whether I still had tissues for the next time I was upset, and when I'm with you, I just... I feel like the girl I used to be, who was clever and brave and went on all these adventures, who was strong and confident and didn't take crap from anyone, especially not her boyfriend, and when you smile at me, I get that fluttery feeling in my chest that you're not supposed to feel anymore beyond like, the age of twelve, and that kiss right now was kind of amazing, and you look really, really hot with your shirt off, okay?" she finally finished her insane rant, taking a gasping breath as her heart slammed wildly against her chest for the 50th time tonight- god, he was going to send her into cardiac arrest at this rate.
'Please understand' Starr thought to herself desperately. She still didn't understand when she'd gone from pretending like James was the well-meaning nuisance in her life that she had some weird, misplaced fond feelings for, to admitting that he was kind of everything to her now, but she had, and she didn't want to go back, she didn't want to keep pretending. Starr had subconsciously been aching for this ever since she'd run away with him after graduation, and now that she was acknowledging it, she didn't think she could stand to go back to just longing and not actually having him.
"James, please, a reaction would be good here," Starr said anxiously when he didn't say anything. His face had completely lit up the more she spoke, clearly a good sign, but she needed something definitive here.
"God, Starr…" he murmured simply, scooting back into her space and cupping her chin as he kissed her warmly. "Kind of feel like I should have prepared a speech," he chuckled when he pulled back, reaching up and tenderly tucking her hair behind her ear. Starr felt a smile tug at her lips as the weight on her chest eased- she always breathed easier when he was with her these days.
"You just almost gotten beaten to death protecting me- totally trumps a speech, believe me," she laughed, giving him another quick peck on the lips.
"Okay, Starr, believe me, last person I want to bring up right now, but I kind of have to…what about Cole?" he asked quietly, knowing that was the million dollar question. Starr sighed as she settled down against the pillows next to James to talk.
"Cole is the father of my child, and was my entire world for a couple of years, so he's always going to be part of my life, and I'm always going to care," she began slowly. "But we're not right together anymore," Starr stated with a note of finality. "Even if you weren't in the picture, we still shouldn't be together- I just don't know if I would have realized that without you, which is kind of scary to think about. I'm finally starting to see how rash and violent he can be, and to be honest, it kind of freaks me out sometimes- he once tried to have another guy I cared about killed because he was jealous, and he almost murdered my father; I don't understand anymore how I was okay with that, how I let it go. He believed a perfect stranger instead of me over and over again, and based on all his rants about me being blind and naïve when it comes to my father, he doesn't seem to think very much of me these days. The more I think about, the more I feel like I don't even know who Cole is anymore. And honestly, I'm starting to realize that I don't think I have for a while now, not since the drugs, but I was so determined to believe otherwise that I just saw what I wanted to."
"Uh, I'm sorry, since the what?"
"Oh, uh…yeah, remind me to tell you about that some other time," she muttered, flinching. Gee, violence, jail, and drugs, she's made Cole sound like a real winner to James. "But the point is, I think Cole and I were a high-school relationship that was never meant for the real world, and the two of us trying to fight that just completely killed us," she sighed sadly. "We're probably not even going to be able to be friends, at least not for a long time, which sucks. But I kept trying to make him and us what we were in high school, and you can't live a life together that way. Besides, I have to tell you something…I meant to bring it up sooner, but you and Ford were so caught up with the plans to catch your dad, and Shaun was sticking to me like glue, then today happened, and there was just never a good time.
"A few days ago…I got Cole to admit that he told you to stay away from me." James startled, and Starr shot him a pointed look. "Yeah, that's right, I know now- and I can't believe you agreed," she grumbled. "But that one we'll deal with later. Anyway, when he admitted, I think I should have known and accepted where this all was going right then and there for three reasons.
"One, I'm kind of paranoid about being abandoned, but when you all of the sudden started dodging me, instead of assuming that's what happened like I would have with anyone else, for some reason, I just had this faith in you- I knew someone must have said or done something to you, because I was just so sure that you wouldn't hurt me by just dropping me like that, not after everything we've been through together. Two…when Cole told me the truth, I wanted to slap him in the face," she confessed in a rush, blushing as she recalled that moment.
"Really?" James laughed, winking at her. "That's kind of hot."
"Shut up!" Starr laughed, gently whacking him on the shoulder, taking care to avoid any bruises. "And three...when that happened, he could see how furious I was, and we got into this huge fight. When I told him he had no right, that I was going to see you if he liked it or not, he asked me if I was choosing you over him…and I said yes," she told him simply. James looked stunned, the warmth in his eyes as he looked at her overwhelming, and Starr swallowed roughly, needing to finish this. "At the time, I didn't really acknowledge to myself what I meant by that, just told myself it was about being loyal to a friend who needed me while my boyfriend dealt with his jackass issues, but I get it now, and…I meant that, James, I really meant it. I have put all my eggs in this basket, okay? I'm pretty sure I have more trust and faith in you than I have in anybody for an extremely long time, and I chose you over the boy I've spent so many years thinking was my soulmate, so I need you to prove me right, okay?" she told him, her tone desperate and pleading. "Please be the guy I think you are, please don't make a fool out of me."
"Hey," James murmured heatedly, looking her in the eyes in a way that sent a shiver up her spine. "You said it yourself- I told you that your boyfriend should treat you like the star that you are, and I plan on taking my own advice. I have no intention of making you regret this choice, okay? I promise."
"Okay," Starr said simply; she'd been trusting James with her life from the day she'd met him- trusting him with her heart should seem easy in comparison.
He grinned, leaning in to kiss her again, but Starr gently pushed him back.
"James, wait, I'm not done. Look, I know that at the moment, you're all in, but before I let you and me happen, I think I need to be completely honest with you, okay?"
"Okaaay," he said slowly, looking confused.
"You talk a lot about all the danger and trouble you brought to my life, about all the issues that come with you, but I haven't had a turn yet. You should be careful, James," Starr told him with a heavyhearted sigh. "Being with me doesn't always have the best results," she informed him sadly. "Last time I fell for a non Cole guy, I ended up completely destroying his life."
Starr's eyes flickered sadly as she thought of poor Schuyler, wasting away in jail, a place he never would have been if Starr hadn't set him on the path that led there, first by being the reason his mother killed herself and left Schuyler terrified of losing anything else important to him, then by getting him fired and ruining his reputation, leaving him with nothing in his life so that when Gigi came along, he became dependent upon her like a drug within weeks. For the rest of her life, what had happened to Schuyler after the Mannings entered in his life was going to be one of her biggest regrets, and she wouldn't be able to stand it if she somehow ruined James in the same way.
"I sincerely doubt that."
"James, I-"
"Nobody who actually ruins lives gives a warning before they do it, Starr." She fell silent, not really having a response for that, which made James smirk. "Wow, y'know, it's not every day you find a girl who can be put through being hunted down by the mob goon your abusive dad hired and she tries to warn you off of her- I'm thinking you're a keeper, Starr."
"It's not just that, James! My life is so much riskier than you can imagine. I've been kidnapped or held hostage like, 800 times, I'm kind of a danger magnet. My dad is known for going crazy and assaulting basically any guy I show interest in, and he's got his fair share of enemies, all of whom seem to realize I'm a pretty good way to get to him. You can still back out, James, I wouldn't blame you- I'd probably commend you, actually," she muttered. "You sure you want to get involved in the mess that is my life?"
"Bring it," James answered instantly, his voice sure and unhesitant.
Starr laughed in pleasant disbelief, eyes shining; she would have understood if he wanted out, but she couldn't be happier that he didn't.
"I am so happy you're crazy," Starr giggled, leaning closer and nuzzling her nose against his. "Means you're perfect for me."
She kissed him once more, then carefully cuddled into his side to talk, just relaxing and coming down off the high of the day, getting some time to actually enjoy each other and their new relationship status.
Finally, when James' voice started to become groggy, his words a little more rambling and less sensible, Starr realized the pain meds must be taking full effect and knew she should let him get some rest. She reluctantly scooted off the bed and stood, opening her mouth to tell him where she was going, only to find herself gently yanked right back down before she could get a word out.
"Wanna tell me just where you think you're going?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow. Starr laughed.
"You're starting to get kind of out of it and loopy, I need to let you sleep. Plus, I'm gonna go get you some food for dinner tonight, save you from hospital cuisine."
"No."
"Uh, no?"
"Don't need food, don't need sleep," he sighed, the last bit made unconvincing by his tired tone. "Just need you." A strong sense of warmth instantly enveloped Starr, settling over her like a comfortable blanket.
"Well, I'm not gonna argue with that," she said softly, allowing him to wrap his arms around her and pull her down to lie against his chest, head resting in the crook between his shoulder and neck. "Am I hurting anything?"
"You're good. Hey, y'know, your voice has been kind of raspy all night," he noted, eyelids starting to flutter. "All the screaming was obviously not conducive."
"You're such an ass," she laughed, delievering another gentle whack to his arm. "Next time somebody beats the crap of you, I'll just stand there quietly so as not to wreck my voice with any non-conducive screaming, that better?"
"There's gonna be a next time?" he groaned wearily.
Starr laughed quietly and didn't respond for a moment, pulling away just slightly to lean up on her elbow and watch him as he gave in to sleep, drifting off peacefully as she cupped his cheek, fingers gently brushing up and down his skin.
"Not if I can help it," she promised softly.
Starr contemplated leaving now that he was asleep, checking in with everyone, maybe having a talk with Ford, visiting Shaun, figuring out a way to tell Cole and her dad about this, doing any of the 100 things on her mental to-do list, but finally decided against it, settling back down against him instead, burrowing her head against his shoulder as she shut her eyes- the rest of the world could wait.