Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing them. Honest.
Title
"Hey Hakkai, come and look at this will ya?" Hakkai sighed. Ever since Gojyo had discovered the inn's computer (a rare object in these parts) he had barely left the screen. Not even Sanzo's threats had kept him away for long. He wondered what was keeping the kappa so enthralled. Knowing Gojyo, it was probably something x-rated that had to be pixelated for anyone under, say, thirty five.
"What is it?" He peered warily over Gojyo's shoulder. Hakuryu fluttered across too, gazing at the glowing screen and cooing softly.
"Well, since we're so infamous and all I thought I'd Google our names to see what it would come up with." The red head pointed at the long list of hits. "There're thousands of sites! Look at 'em!"
Crouching beside the kappa, who was sat in a black swivel chair, Hakkai took the mouse and began clicking on some of the links. His eyes flickered back and forth, reading the words that appeared on screen. Gojyo grinned, reaching for his beer can.
"See? I always knew I would be famous one day."
"Hmm…" Hakkai clicked on the next website. A vivid pink background blossomed on screen, followed by a picture. It was the Sanzo party. Complete with chains and assorted leather wear. "What's this? 'Yaoi'?"
Gojyo looked up from his can and promptly spat a mouthful of beer onto the keyboard.
"Holy shit!" The door slammed open.
"What the hell are you girls squealing about?" Framed in the doorway were Sanzo and Goku, returned from the second feeding of the evening.
"Oh, um, nothing that would interest you Sanzo, heh, heh," Hakkai laughed nervously. This attempt at nonchalance was marred by his sickly expression. Sanzo frowned suspiciously.
"Give me that." For once Gojyo did not argue but rose wordlessly from the chair, eyes as wide as a startled fish. The priest sat down, carefully arranging his robes. Then he started reading. Suddenly the silence took on a deathly undertone.
"Who's been writing this crap? I'm not even going to ask why you two are reading it," said Sanzo. Somebody's death was foretold in his voice.
"Umm, quite a lot of people it seems." Hakkai, now slowly turning pink, was trying to focus on cleaning his monocle.
"Hey! Whatcha looking at? Let me see!" cried Goku. He'd been ignored long enough and was straining to look over their shoulders, squinting to read the text.
Ahhh! I can't let him see that! Hakkai's conscience screamed.
Shit! I don't want to explain this to that stupid monkey! Sanzo groaned inwardly. Then don't, said his lazier half (as if both halves weren't equally lazy…)
THWAK!
The paper fan, doom of all idiots, caught the curious monkey across the face with an unusual amount of force. He was sent flying backwards off the back of the chair he had been climbing to get a better view and collapsed in a dazed heap.
"Good save there Sanzo!" Hakkai called, letting out a sigh of relief. Then he saw Goku lying on the floor, gurgling incoherently. "Goku? Goku! Can you here me? Talk to me Goku!" Ignoring Hakkai's desperate attempts to revive the monkey, the monk turned back to the screen. Gojyo, having reclaimed the mouse, was actually reading one of the fictions, staring in fascinated horror.
"Can you believe this stuff? I mean, look at it..."
The priest scanned the text. A vein on his forehead began throbbing dangerously.
"Let me get this straight," he growled. "People have been writing about us?"
"Yeah."
"Being ... gay."
"Uh-huh."
"With each other."
Gojyo had recovered enough for a sneer to sweep across his face. He never could resist a chance to take a jibe at the pissy monk.
"Mainly; although there was this one where you were getting it on with that Kami-sama guy-" The vein was now close to exploding.
"Give me that thing!" Sanzo snatched the mouse back. OK, maybe it was petty, but he'd be damned if he would be made a fool out of by that sniggering kappa! Like a man confronted with a big red shiny button he pressed the next link. There were a few moments of silence while they read.
"Shit man, is that what you really use the sutra for?"
"FUCK NO!"
"Erm, a little help here?" Hakkai was still trying to bring Goku round, with little success. "I think he may be concussed." His pleas went unheard as the other two continued to squabble. They seemed to be in a competition of 'pin the depravity on that other bastard'. Gojyo currently had the mouse, clicking furiously whilst holding Sanzo off with the other hand. Something he read made him snort, before pouting in mock-indignation.
"You guys had a threesome? Why wasn't I invited?" The priest snarled like a baited bear.
"Shut up cockroach! You and Hakkai are screwing each other whenever you're left in the same room!"
"They're taking this a little bit seriously, don't you think?" Hakkai asked Hakuryu (the only one paying him the slightest bit of attention), wincing as the volume escalated.
"Oh yeah?" snapped the kappa, "What about you and Goku, you perverted priest?"
Utter silence met these words. Sanzo's eye-popping anger had rendered him speechless. But a gun is worth a thousand words...
"I'm not sure Sanzo would be the pervert in that relationship," Hakkai said mildly, applying some chi to the monkey's head. "He is, after all, only twenty-three. Goku, if I remember rightly, is over 500 years old." This statement was accompanied with a trademark 'Hakkai-smile™'. Gojyo had gone into meltdown.
"But that's ... eww!"
"This is all immaterial, since none of it is real," Hakkai continued. Then he frowned. "Unless there's something you two aren't telling me?"
"You are one sick bastard, y'know that?"
The next day...
Tired and grumbling, the Sanzo party clambered into the Jeep. Everyone was determined the forget the incident with the computer; all except Goku, who didn't remember anything in the first place.
"You're always leaving me out! Just tell me what happened!" You really don't want to know, monkey boy," Gojyo muttered.
"You wouldn't understand," added Hakkai gently.
"Would you rather have a lead brain?" snarled Sanzo, ever the sensitive one. It did work though and for a while, the party drove on in silence watching the world pass as they continued West.
"And stop staring at me cockroach."
"Wha? I'm not staring you crack-head cleric!"
"Whatever."
BANG.
A/N: Yeah. No idea where this came from. A rabid plot-bunny most likely.
It should also b e noted that the views expressed in this story are not necessarily those of the author (my favourite number is 53...)
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