Fumbling
By: Emma Jane: catfighter25@hotmail.com
Archive: Anyone who wants it, and has "Showers" already,can have, but I'd
like to have the URL.
Fandom: Roswell as usual
Pairing: Tess/Liz, angst, and then serious RST.
Rating: Strong R
Spoilers: Err, for "Showers" I suppose, but you don't have to read that
first, some time late season 2, so Nasedo is dead now. But Tess is still
living alone.
Notes/Summary: Sequel to "Showers", things get… resolved… This was written
on an overdose of the magnificent Sarah McLachlan's
"Mirrorball", "Surfacing", and "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy." Songs that
most helped inspire were "Do What You Have to Do", "Angel", "Fear", and
"last Dance." If you have not heard Sarah (not likely) I suggest you check
out some of her amazing music immediately! Regards- Emma Jane.
Disclaimer: I don't even want to think about what would happen if I owned
Roswell… good thing I don't I guess. The Song is "Fumbling Towards Estacy"
by Sarah McLachlan.
Suggested Listening: Sarah McLachlan, Dido, or Majandra Delfino. Most any
song will do.
Feedback: PLEASE! Catfighter25@hotmail.com
Thanks: To Kate, and everyone who liked "Showers", and all the people at the
Catfighter thread at Fan Forum. Even though I mostly lurk, you guys inspire
me to no end. Also to Shini who gave me some lovely
lavender aroma therapy after reading "Showers". And to Courtnay who gave me
a last minute beta! You rock girl!
Pov: Liz and Tess alternating. *** Indicates a POV
change.
Fumbling by Emma Jane
***
We drive home in silence, my mother and I. She is gripping the steering
wheel like it is the only thing that can save her, that can keep her here.
She keeps fumbling with the air conditioning, until I tentatively touch her
hand and whisper for her to stop.
She jerks away and pulls to the side of the road. "Elizabeth," she
whispers, her voice breaking.
I am worried. She never calls me Elizabeth.
"Elizabeth," She tries again. "There was an accident." She gasps and
swallows hard.
A sick feeling rises in the pit of my stomach.
"Your father-" she is concentrating on just being able to breathe, so she
can't continue.
I try to swallow, but the bile rises in my throat. My fingers find the door
handle, and open it as I lean out and throw up my lunch.
***
Sarah McLachlan echoes out of my stereo loud and all throughout the house.
The house is so empty now. I've sold most of the decorations
for money since no one in this god-forsaken town wants to hire a
"bubbly-slutty-dumb-blonde" as I've heard them refer to me.
I spend my days kicking through school (I don't know why I bother. I'll
probably be dead before graduation anyway). My evenings I spend at the
Crashdown. Any chance to stare unabashedly at Liz Parker is good for me.
And my nights, I stay rattling around in this shell of a house, blaring
music from my stereo to chase away the silence and incurable solitude.
I tie my hair up in pigtails deciding I need to keep busy and do some
cleaning. I don't know why I bother… no one comes hereanyway.
***
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened any more.
***
I can't stay in this house any longer. He is everywhere and memories
assault me wherever I go. My mother is sobbing in their bed, and I can hear
her as I write the note, "Going to Maria's. Can't be here, Liz."
Halfway to Maria's, I realize that I don't want Maria. Maria will cry with
me and feed me ice cream and aroma therapy and bull about how at least I had
a father for a while and make me feel all the worse.
Who I want is someone to help me forget- forget his scent, his smile, and
his worried frown.
I turn around, toward the nicer end of town to a small house with one light
on in the upstairs bedroom window. Without any pretense, I ring the
doorbell.
I hear a familiar tumble of footsteps, and a worried voice ask who's there.
I say, "It's me, Liz Parker."
There is no response except for the opening door.
***
It's my heart the pounds
Beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes
Out it's breath.
***
She's a wreck- standing out there in the dark, mascara puddle around her
eyes, and down her face in tear tracks. I don't ask what's wrong- I'm
confident she'll tell me when she's ready, if I even need to know.
She pulls her over-sized sweater down over her hands and wipes at her face-
only smudging it worse. "I need to forget." She says this clearly.
I nod, take her hand in mine, and pull her inside- locking the door behind
me.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
***
She wipes a damp cloth over my face, forcing me to close my eyes for a
moment. After the light pressure fades I keep them closed for a beat or two
of my heart, then open them to see her staring at me, worshipping me with
her eyes. Their icy depths praise me, seeing some
beauty, which I can only see in her.
Already, the memories are beginning to fade.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
***
We don't speak, but I know what she came here for, I could see it in her
eyes ever since she first arrived.
I watch her shake uncontrollably as she pulls her sweater over her head.
It has stripes of green hidden among the black- and because
she wore it, I am mesmerized by the texture, the colors, where it brushed
her skin.
She seems so vulnerable. I snap out of my trance and step over to her and
fumble with the buttons on her jeans. They fall to the floor, and next to
her I am feeling indescribably (understandably?)over dressed.
I pray to whatever gods are out there (Liz Parker is the only one I see)
that this will not come to an end because I believe it is more than it is.
She came to me- that has to mean something. Probably just that she's
discovered my weakness and knows I'm the only chick around here that will
give her some.
Before I realize what is going on, I too am stripped to my underclothes,
and on top of Liz Parker in my bed- and this time it's no fantasy.
***
Companion to our demons
They will dance and we will play
With chairs, candles, and clothes,
Making darkness in the day.
***
I breathe into the soft skin of her neck, pressing my lips there for a
fraction of time, and then it is not enough. My hunger for her, and my
hunger for reality to fade are too strong for me to hold back any longer.
I am not gentle as I turn around and rest my hips on top of hers, my
fingertips grazing the bare skin of her arms, smiling as she gasps at this
new pleasure… this new pain…
I slide down her body till my hands are on her stomach and my lips are
between her breasts. I trace the edges of her bra with my tongue as she
wriggles beneath me. My hand snakes up her bare stomach to release the
front clasp and pull the blue satin away.
I stare at her for a moment, her eyes catching mine. Then we are a tangle of
arms and legs as we attempt to escape from what clothing still hinders us.
I am blinded with lust- even love- for this tiny
vixen whose tongue is circling my breast. When I can see clearly again, I
realize Tess has used her powers to turn out the lights, and spark several
candles so the flames flicker patterns across our skin.
***
It will be easy to look in
Or out upstream or down
Without a thought.
***
I don't know which end is up and which is down anymore. But it doesn't
really matter. Everything is warm and shivery and filled with a thousand
moans and sighs and touches that calm and spark.
Our tongues are intertwined and it seems that we cannot stop moving. We
both have something we need to resolve here.
The air is soaked with the scent of lavender, and I can't tell weather or
not it is her or those damn candles I had to buy a while back- after I
discovered how well lavender shampoo worked with my avid imagination.
"This is real isn't it?" I sigh, tying to catch my breath.
"I hope so." She answers.
***
Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort.
***
A breath of cool air brushes over my skin, and I shiver, fumbling with the
blankets strewn under me and at my feet.
It is nine in the morning and my mother is going to be sick with worry if I
don't get home soon. The problem is that home is the last place I want to
be.
All I want to do is lay here forever with Tess, who looks like an angel as
she sleeps curled up next to me. Her lips are slightly parted and her
scattered curls look golden in the faint sunlight sifting through the
curtains in her window.
In fact, what I want to do is have "Liz Parker" disappear and stay here with
my Tess forever in our own little world where no one can hurt us, and time
does not exist.
But I know that can't be. I will gather my things, and go back to the place
I used to call home and back to the woman who was my mother, and I'll
pretend as though nothing is wrong, and nothing has changed. But I'll be
dying inside- and I fear that none but my little angel can save me.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
***
I blink as I feel a blanket being pulled up to my neck. She is snuggled
close to me, and gazing upon me as though I were something special. I feel
treasured. "Thank you." I say, my voice thick from lack of use.
"For what?" She smooths back my hair and gently kisses my forehead.
Instead of answering her question, I begin to talk. "Do you know how I felt
when Nasedo died? Like there was a wound in my side that I would not close,
and I was bleeding to death. I knew in my heart that he
never loved me, but he was the only family I had ever known. What was I to
do now that my Protector was gone? I began looking for something to keep me
here, and I found your smile. So, thank you."
I swear I didn't mean to make her cry. But she was. A silent kind of
weeping that pours from the deepest recesses of a mourning soul. I tilted
her chin up to face me, and began kissing away her tears, holding her close
to me as images begin flickering across the inside of my eyelids. The
emotions carry over, and tears begin slipping out of my
eyes.
Her pain, so raw, so real was powerful. I loved her, and she loved me and
we were close, sobbing in each other's arms for a long time.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
***
The End
***
By: Emma Jane: catfighter25@hotmail.com
Archive: Anyone who wants it, and has "Showers" already,can have, but I'd
like to have the URL.
Fandom: Roswell as usual
Pairing: Tess/Liz, angst, and then serious RST.
Rating: Strong R
Spoilers: Err, for "Showers" I suppose, but you don't have to read that
first, some time late season 2, so Nasedo is dead now. But Tess is still
living alone.
Notes/Summary: Sequel to "Showers", things get… resolved… This was written
on an overdose of the magnificent Sarah McLachlan's
"Mirrorball", "Surfacing", and "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy." Songs that
most helped inspire were "Do What You Have to Do", "Angel", "Fear", and
"last Dance." If you have not heard Sarah (not likely) I suggest you check
out some of her amazing music immediately! Regards- Emma Jane.
Disclaimer: I don't even want to think about what would happen if I owned
Roswell… good thing I don't I guess. The Song is "Fumbling Towards Estacy"
by Sarah McLachlan.
Suggested Listening: Sarah McLachlan, Dido, or Majandra Delfino. Most any
song will do.
Feedback: PLEASE! Catfighter25@hotmail.com
Thanks: To Kate, and everyone who liked "Showers", and all the people at the
Catfighter thread at Fan Forum. Even though I mostly lurk, you guys inspire
me to no end. Also to Shini who gave me some lovely
lavender aroma therapy after reading "Showers". And to Courtnay who gave me
a last minute beta! You rock girl!
Pov: Liz and Tess alternating. *** Indicates a POV
change.
Fumbling by Emma Jane
***
We drive home in silence, my mother and I. She is gripping the steering
wheel like it is the only thing that can save her, that can keep her here.
She keeps fumbling with the air conditioning, until I tentatively touch her
hand and whisper for her to stop.
She jerks away and pulls to the side of the road. "Elizabeth," she
whispers, her voice breaking.
I am worried. She never calls me Elizabeth.
"Elizabeth," She tries again. "There was an accident." She gasps and
swallows hard.
A sick feeling rises in the pit of my stomach.
"Your father-" she is concentrating on just being able to breathe, so she
can't continue.
I try to swallow, but the bile rises in my throat. My fingers find the door
handle, and open it as I lean out and throw up my lunch.
***
Sarah McLachlan echoes out of my stereo loud and all throughout the house.
The house is so empty now. I've sold most of the decorations
for money since no one in this god-forsaken town wants to hire a
"bubbly-slutty-dumb-blonde" as I've heard them refer to me.
I spend my days kicking through school (I don't know why I bother. I'll
probably be dead before graduation anyway). My evenings I spend at the
Crashdown. Any chance to stare unabashedly at Liz Parker is good for me.
And my nights, I stay rattling around in this shell of a house, blaring
music from my stereo to chase away the silence and incurable solitude.
I tie my hair up in pigtails deciding I need to keep busy and do some
cleaning. I don't know why I bother… no one comes hereanyway.
***
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened any more.
***
I can't stay in this house any longer. He is everywhere and memories
assault me wherever I go. My mother is sobbing in their bed, and I can hear
her as I write the note, "Going to Maria's. Can't be here, Liz."
Halfway to Maria's, I realize that I don't want Maria. Maria will cry with
me and feed me ice cream and aroma therapy and bull about how at least I had
a father for a while and make me feel all the worse.
Who I want is someone to help me forget- forget his scent, his smile, and
his worried frown.
I turn around, toward the nicer end of town to a small house with one light
on in the upstairs bedroom window. Without any pretense, I ring the
doorbell.
I hear a familiar tumble of footsteps, and a worried voice ask who's there.
I say, "It's me, Liz Parker."
There is no response except for the opening door.
***
It's my heart the pounds
Beneath my flesh
It's my mouth that pushes
Out it's breath.
***
She's a wreck- standing out there in the dark, mascara puddle around her
eyes, and down her face in tear tracks. I don't ask what's wrong- I'm
confident she'll tell me when she's ready, if I even need to know.
She pulls her over-sized sweater down over her hands and wipes at her face-
only smudging it worse. "I need to forget." She says this clearly.
I nod, take her hand in mine, and pull her inside- locking the door behind
me.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
***
She wipes a damp cloth over my face, forcing me to close my eyes for a
moment. After the light pressure fades I keep them closed for a beat or two
of my heart, then open them to see her staring at me, worshipping me with
her eyes. Their icy depths praise me, seeing some
beauty, which I can only see in her.
Already, the memories are beginning to fade.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
***
We don't speak, but I know what she came here for, I could see it in her
eyes ever since she first arrived.
I watch her shake uncontrollably as she pulls her sweater over her head.
It has stripes of green hidden among the black- and because
she wore it, I am mesmerized by the texture, the colors, where it brushed
her skin.
She seems so vulnerable. I snap out of my trance and step over to her and
fumble with the buttons on her jeans. They fall to the floor, and next to
her I am feeling indescribably (understandably?)over dressed.
I pray to whatever gods are out there (Liz Parker is the only one I see)
that this will not come to an end because I believe it is more than it is.
She came to me- that has to mean something. Probably just that she's
discovered my weakness and knows I'm the only chick around here that will
give her some.
Before I realize what is going on, I too am stripped to my underclothes,
and on top of Liz Parker in my bed- and this time it's no fantasy.
***
Companion to our demons
They will dance and we will play
With chairs, candles, and clothes,
Making darkness in the day.
***
I breathe into the soft skin of her neck, pressing my lips there for a
fraction of time, and then it is not enough. My hunger for her, and my
hunger for reality to fade are too strong for me to hold back any longer.
I am not gentle as I turn around and rest my hips on top of hers, my
fingertips grazing the bare skin of her arms, smiling as she gasps at this
new pleasure… this new pain…
I slide down her body till my hands are on her stomach and my lips are
between her breasts. I trace the edges of her bra with my tongue as she
wriggles beneath me. My hand snakes up her bare stomach to release the
front clasp and pull the blue satin away.
I stare at her for a moment, her eyes catching mine. Then we are a tangle of
arms and legs as we attempt to escape from what clothing still hinders us.
I am blinded with lust- even love- for this tiny
vixen whose tongue is circling my breast. When I can see clearly again, I
realize Tess has used her powers to turn out the lights, and spark several
candles so the flames flicker patterns across our skin.
***
It will be easy to look in
Or out upstream or down
Without a thought.
***
I don't know which end is up and which is down anymore. But it doesn't
really matter. Everything is warm and shivery and filled with a thousand
moans and sighs and touches that calm and spark.
Our tongues are intertwined and it seems that we cannot stop moving. We
both have something we need to resolve here.
The air is soaked with the scent of lavender, and I can't tell weather or
not it is her or those damn candles I had to buy a while back- after I
discovered how well lavender shampoo worked with my avid imagination.
"This is real isn't it?" I sigh, tying to catch my breath.
"I hope so." She answers.
***
Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort.
***
A breath of cool air brushes over my skin, and I shiver, fumbling with the
blankets strewn under me and at my feet.
It is nine in the morning and my mother is going to be sick with worry if I
don't get home soon. The problem is that home is the last place I want to
be.
All I want to do is lay here forever with Tess, who looks like an angel as
she sleeps curled up next to me. Her lips are slightly parted and her
scattered curls look golden in the faint sunlight sifting through the
curtains in her window.
In fact, what I want to do is have "Liz Parker" disappear and stay here with
my Tess forever in our own little world where no one can hurt us, and time
does not exist.
But I know that can't be. I will gather my things, and go back to the place
I used to call home and back to the woman who was my mother, and I'll
pretend as though nothing is wrong, and nothing has changed. But I'll be
dying inside- and I fear that none but my little angel can save me.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
***
I blink as I feel a blanket being pulled up to my neck. She is snuggled
close to me, and gazing upon me as though I were something special. I feel
treasured. "Thank you." I say, my voice thick from lack of use.
"For what?" She smooths back my hair and gently kisses my forehead.
Instead of answering her question, I begin to talk. "Do you know how I felt
when Nasedo died? Like there was a wound in my side that I would not close,
and I was bleeding to death. I knew in my heart that he
never loved me, but he was the only family I had ever known. What was I to
do now that my Protector was gone? I began looking for something to keep me
here, and I found your smile. So, thank you."
I swear I didn't mean to make her cry. But she was. A silent kind of
weeping that pours from the deepest recesses of a mourning soul. I tilted
her chin up to face me, and began kissing away her tears, holding her close
to me as images begin flickering across the inside of my eyelids. The
emotions carry over, and tears begin slipping out of my
eyes.
Her pain, so raw, so real was powerful. I loved her, and she loved me and
we were close, sobbing in each other's arms for a long time.
***
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
***
The End
***