For the last twelve months, her life has revolved around him.
The shots - three - ringing out through the room
saving his life
holding him prisoner
getting information from him
having to let him go to get Fitch
living in fear
hopping hotels to stay out of sight
to stay unseen
loving him all the while
loving him in a twisted way.
She still loved him. She didn't know how it was possible, or why - God knows she had tried not to! - but she still loved him. She still stayed up at night, missing their quiet evenings in, the secret looks they shared, the way he touched her and the way she responded to him. She frequently cried over what she had lost. Not him, not that specific person, but everything she lost because he was gone. The love, the laughter, the feeling of being the only person in the world when he stared at her,
Over the months, it had been fading, she had felt almost normal, but then —
— then, he had come back, saved her, reminded her how much he cared (did he care? She thought he did, but she couldn't be sure). He called her, asked how she was, acted like he still needed her.
And then he was in her hotel room, and everything she had tried to push back came rushing forward, and he was there and warm and a solid presence and before she knew what was happening, she was in his arms. He was holding her, and she both felt like she could stay there forever and like she needed to get the hell away right now.
"Tom."
He pulled back, and she could see him smiling, and she knew then that she missed him - missed the way that he could smile, even if the whole day had been shitty, or if he'd been to one too many parent/teacher conferences, or even if he'd been yelled at or called a horrible name by a student that he loved anyway. She missed the way he'd hug and kiss her when she got home and ask her how her day was, even if he had something he wanted to talk about first, he always made sure he knew what happened with her before sharing his stories.
She missed that -
she hated that it never existed, not really
- and she was confused, because how did you miss something that was never real in the first place?
"Tom, I need you to - "
"Please, don't make me leave," he cuts in, running a hand through his hair, and as his smile slips so does the facade. She sees the worried lines reappear on his face, and it comes crashing back that everything she knew of him before was a lie. Or, most of it - actually, she doesn't know how much of it was a lie.
Another doubt is wedged in between the love she feels for him and the hate.
She doesn't know.
"You have to! I - Tom, you can't be here."
"Liz, please," he pleads, and his hands are on her shoulders and she flinches unconsciously.
She loves him.
"Please, Lizzie. I can't go back out there, not tonight - it's not safe."
"You need to leave," she says again, but this time it's quieter because she's not sure she can make him. She needs him to be the Tom he pretended to be - putting her needs before his own. She needs him to leave, because she loves him and she doesn't feel safe. The hairs on her arm are standing on end, and her heart is beating fast, and her palms are sweating and the Chinese in her stomach is rolling around uncomfortably and the slightly sour wine she'd shared with Ressler only an hour before feels like it may come back up.
"Liz, you can't do this. I won't hurt you - I couldn't! Please, you know you're safe with me. You know me."
"Do I?"
Her voice is quiet and soft, but her words strike hard.
He's quiet for a long time, and when he reaches out for her again, she flinches and tears open the door, beckoning with her head.
It hurts to make him leave.
She loves him
she doesn't trust him
she misses him
she never wants to see him again —
"I'll see you again," he says, and she's not sure if it's a promise or a threat. Then he's gone, and she's slamming and locking the door, feeling less safe than ever. She falls down to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees and dropping her head to them.
When the door opens minutes later, she screams, though she'd never admit it. Her hands are shaking and she's crying as she looked up into the sympathetic face of Raymond Reddington.
"Lizzie," he whispers, and she stands up, brushing her hair back and trying to look more confident and in control than she feels.
"What the hell are you doing here!?" she screams. "Does no one knock anymore?"
He chuckles lightly at that, and closes the door behind himself. But when he meets her eyes, he's serious - there's not a shred of amusement in his eyes, his voice, his stance as his fingers twitch over the lump in his jacket she's sure is a gun.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
She huffs, and walks away from the older man, sitting in her bed and holding her left hand in her right, trying to make them both stop shaking.
"I didn't know he'd come here. I knew - I mean, he's called me, and — "
She's crying and suddenly he's holding her like he's done once or twice before, letting his softer side show to comfort her when she's in pain.
"You still love him - or, at least you think you do," he muses, and she doesn't bother to argue with him because she does think she loves him, but she didn't know that the feeling of love could be tainted with so much fear, pain, hatred.
This isn't the pure love she felt at first, the happy, easy, weightless feeling that had filled her whole body, morning to night, knowing that she loved Tom and he loved her and they were going to have a family -
and now it was something different.
"You need to make a decision," he says, and though he's still holding her, she can tell he has lost some of his softer edge, is morphing back into Business Reddington, and she pulls away, wiping her eyes.
"What decision?"
"Lizzie, you cannot keep this up. The double life, holding a candle for Tom and working with me. Lying to those you work with, keeping Tom a secret. You have to make a choice. You'll either have to cut off contact with him, or leave the task force."
She stares at him - she knew she'd have to make this choice eventually - not sure how to respond. Of course she's angry, but she's also suddenly terrified (she expected to be).
It's the relief that floods her system that surprises her.
"I - "
"Don't do it tonight, Lizzie. Think it over. Dembe will be at your door for the remainder of the night - you're safe. Think very hard about this, Liz, because your decision, either way, affects more than just you."
"Fine," she says, short and to the point, because she's too exhausted to argue with him or yell that he's being intrusive, or that he doesn't control her, can't make her make this decision. She doesn't do any of that, because she can't find the energy and also because she knows he's right. She won't admit it to anyone but herself, but she knows she has to make this decision, and soon. Her life is already spiraling out of control as it is. This decision will help center her, one way or another.
He walks to the door, opens it, and pauses.
"And Liz — I want you to remember what your life could be without him."
And the problem is, she can. She can imagine the life she could have without him.
And then he's gone, and she's left alone with her thoughts.
She doesn't sleep that night (partly because she's afraid and partly because she already knows her choice and she's scared of it, of letting everything go).
"Tom, our entire marriage, everything that happened, it couldn't have all been pretend."
He's standing in front of her, in the bright, shining sun, and looking at her with hope in his eyes (and possibly something else, too, though she doesn't dwell on the tender glance he gives her).
"It wasn't, Liz. You have to understand. It was a job - at first. I fell in love with you, for real, and I no longer worried that I wouldn't be able to fulfill my contract, I worried that I would lose you. Every day, I worried about that. I loved you - I love you - for real. I ... do you think it's possible for me to star over?"
The words are on the tip of her tongue, but she can't force them out, and the battle going on inside her causes her to bite her lip, trying desperately to hold back to the tears. She's made her choice, she's made it, she spent all night reminding herself why she made the choice she did.
There's no going back.
"I do, Tom. I do think you can start over."
Because he can. It wasn't his fault he had a shitty childhood, that led to a shitty life. He made bad choices, hurt a lot of people - but he had a good heart. He wasn't a bad guy.
"You just can't do it with me."
I want you to remember what your life could be without him.
The words are the hardest she'll ever say, and with them come the tears. She reaches out, touches his face, and leans in to kiss him gently. He kisses her back, shocked by her words, but by now - after three years of kisses - it's automatic and he doesn't have to think twice about kissing her. He doesn't want to let her go but she pulls back and she's crying but he knows by the determination in her eyes he will not sway her.
The problem is, she does remember what her life could be. It was the life she had - she thought she had - with Tom. The life of pure love, untainted by lies and pain and betrayal uncertainty.
The picture that flashes through her mind is one of happiness, and the man in that picture has blond hair and blue eyes, though of course the man could be anyone. She has come to terms with the fact that he is who she sees when she thinks of her life without Tom, but she's aware that when she has that life again - because she will, because it's worth waiting for - that it could be anyone (though a small part of her argues that what she wants - what she really wants - is nights spent in their office,sharing Chinese and laughing because when she's with him she forgets that everything is falling apart around her).
She almost made the choice to try with Tom again - it would have been easy, really, because their life together, their love, was easy. It came naturally. But she knew that it could never last. The lingering doubt, every single day. Questioning every memory - was this to gain something, or a real act of love? Was this Tom being Tom, or was it Tom saying or doing or pretending to like something because he knew he needed to make her fall in love with him and so he had to be perfect? She knows she'll never be able to separate the man she fell in love with from the man she now knows he is, no matter how similar they are. Even if Tom really was who he pretended to be - if he was kind, loving, a family man - she knows their relationship was formed on a lie and because of that it will, inevitably, fall apart.
"Good bye, Tom."
And then she walks away.
This is how I think the Tom/Liz thing needs to happen. SHE DOES still love him - I believe that fully. But I also believe that their love has been tainted, and it will never be the same again. To become a stronger person, she needs to let him go and spend time finding out who she is. I think that if the show takes it in any other direction, they will be making her a weaker person, a weak character.
I have my fingers crossed for next week's episode!
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