A/N: All aboard the Angst Train! Toot toot! This story…might break your heart a little bit. If incest (between first cousins) freaks you out, please don't read this.
If you are going to read, please go look up these two trees: Poinciana and Jacaranda. They are both beautiful flowering trees that look fantastic in the summer.
If anyone reads this and feels Roxas' emotional state seems too over the top – I'm very willing to discuss his psyche in more depth. I love exploring the brutal emotions that go hand in hand in unhealthy relationships, and 'love' – obsession, infatuation and compulsive behaviours.
Tl;dr – There will be two parts to this! Enjoy :)
Poinciana.
They were at least an hour late – a basic observation that Roxas contemplated upon arrival then briefly agonised over, before simply resigning himself to the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. If he was going to be completely honest with himself, he didn't exactly care much either. It was a miracle in itself that he was even traipsing down this tired, worn dirt driveway after so many years away; the ramshackle country house beyond quietly drawing them in.
Considering that today was a very special occasion for him and his entire family, he should probably have felt guiltier about trying to wrangle his way out of being here; but unfortunately for him, no excuse was going to work in his favour this time.
Roxas could just make out the faint pleasant sounds of music and cheerful voices carrying along the light summer breeze from the backyard; the long driveway in front of them flanked on both sides by gently swaying Poinciana. Their vibrant red flowers were fluttering and twirling all around them. The elegant trees were much larger now, and even more beautiful than he remembered, their splash of kelly-green leaves dappling the sunlight that filtered through onto sporadic clumps of weeping grass and bobbing dandelions.
He tried to fight it but to no avail as his mind all too quickly indulged him and instantly pulled up more flashes of memory from his childhood. The valves in his heart almost seemed to clench then and his chest sharply ached. He was starting to feel sick. He had thought himself stronger than this, but now returning here, where it had all begun, he realised it would always be too soon.
"What are you so nervous about?" Xion laughed beside him, neatly sliding her hand into his as they ambled their way up along the driveway. They could have easily driven up closer to park near the house, but Roxas had wanted to avoid as much fanfare at his arrival as possible. It was better this way. "I know you haven't seen them all for a while, but don't you get along with everyone?"
Roxas shrugged noncommittally and weakly squeezed her hand. She was a nice girl, really, but sometimes…he wondered what the hell he was doing with her. "I get on with everyone more or less. I guess it's just all the radio silence in between seeing each other I'm worried about. I feel guilty more than anything, since I'm the one who moved away."
He told himself it wasn't necessarily a lie. If he said it out loud enough times, maybe he could even convince himself to believe it. One thing was for certain – he definitely felt guilty, but not for the same reasons he was admitting to Xion.
"I'm sure they understand, Roxas. If you hadn't left for uni then where would you be now? Working in your dad's garage? They can't blame you for following your dreams." The light breeze fluttered Xion's blue summer dress prettily around her calves and played havoc with her short black hair. She swiped a few strands out of her eyes impatiently. A single Poinciana flower petal was tangled in the hair beside her ear; a dash of red stark against solid obsidian and the paleness of her skin. Roxas idly wondered if any had fallen on him too.
He glanced over at her, meeting her comforting smile with a strained one of his own. "Yeah, I know that, but I don't really have an excuse for not visiting for the last two years. The family's pretty tight knit; I'm gonna get an ear bashing for sure."
Xion's eyes twinkled and she bumped her shoulder lightly against his. "I can't help you with that, but if you really want to leave early, you can always use me as an excuse. I don't mind."
Roxas' smile became more genuine as he gently bumped her shoulder back. She really was too good for him. "It'll be okay; I'm probably just worried over nothing."
Still holding hands, Roxas and Xion steadily made their way towards the weathered country house situated at the end of the drive. They weaved around several stationary cars that were all haphazardly parked out the front and then picked their way through the wild remnants of a grand garden, before sidling down the right side of the house. Roxas pulled open an elaborate wrought iron gate that was flaked and rusted from a thousand summer storms and ushered Xion through to the festivities in the backyard beyond.
In hindsight, arriving late had definitely been a better idea. Since everyone was most likely already here and giddy on homemade wine and good conversation, maybe nobody would notice them slipping in…
Roxas adjusted the small gift bag in his right hand and held on tighter to Xion's delicate fingers clasped in his left. He quickly ran his eyes down his own frame, making sure his short-sleeved button down shirt and jeans were neat and presentable. He silently drew in a breath and readied himself; a smile he hoped was convincing already pulling at his cheeks.
They rounded the side of the house and immediately stepped into a party that was in full swing; there were people of all ages everywhere. Men standing in small circles laughing and clinking unlabelled, homemade bottles of beer; women fussing over boisterous children and overseeing long tables groaning under a multitude of bowls and serving dishes – salads of every kind, and curried eggs; local German sausages, delicious brandy trifles and vanilla bean custard slices. There were tables and chairs scattered here and there, but not a lot of people were sitting, except maybe more of the older folk, with their ever-present walking sticks and big, floppy sun-hats.
The beautiful weather was just too nice not to enjoy to the fullest; the long, sturdy branches of an ancient Jacaranda enveloping the entirety of the people gathered beneath its welcoming shade. Soft purple flowers fell all around, gracefully floating onto people's plates and resting in their hair and on their shoulders. There was a lot of laughter; a lot of happy, smiling faces. Children raced each other through the grownup's legs, their giggles and cries carrying loudly. It was heart-warming to be a part of a gathering so perfectly joyful and carefree. Despite his nervousness, Roxas felt himself relaxing. His grandfather's guests were all thrilled to be here – delighted in coming together on this picturesque, summer day, solely to celebrate the wise man's one hundred years of life on God's green earth.
Roxas longingly eyed a nearby table boasting a multitude of ice buckets filled with different wines and beer bottles; a couple rows of empty wine glasses and highballs situated off to the side. Most of the drinks present at this party were made by his Uncle Sephiroth, who was renowned for his local specialties. The man was a genius when it came to making wine, but had only just begun dabbling in brewing a range of craft beers as well. If the merriness of the crowd now surrounding them was anything to go by, his uncle's experimental brew was becoming a fast favourite. He wanted a drink to help calm his nerves – to make the afternoon pass a little easier, but logically he knew it wasn't a good idea.
Leading Xion along again, Roxas promptly began searching through the crowd for a familiar mess of blond spikes which would be his first port of call. His father and mother would be together somewhere close by, possibly over near his grandfather who would have the place of honour squarely in front of the base of the giant Jacaranda. He knew he would have to find and greet the rest of his extended family as well, but for now he needed to be grounded. His cousins would definitely notice his presence soon, (if they hadn't already) and would be making a beeline towards him; all too happy to welcome him back home after his distant, extended absence.
One of his cousins in particular instantly stood out in his mind and Roxas swallowed around the lump settling into the back of his throat. He knew that particular reunion was inevitable and there was nothing he could do to avoid it. The one person he dreaded seeing the most would be actively seeking him out, so all he could do was prolong their meeting for as long as he could. Once he found his parents and congratulated his grandfather, it would be all too easy to fade into the background. Maybe he could find his cousin Ven and disappear down to the creek for a while, the green lush of their current surroundings affording him more than enough places to vanish in and hide. Xion being a city girl would definitely enjoy the untouched serenity and beauty of his grandfather's country estate, as well. Roxas didn't care how cowardly it might look; he had done his familial duty and made an appearance for his grandfather, but that was as far as his obligations went. Apart from touching base with his extended family, and blatantly avoiding him, Roxas had no latent desire to stand around making small talk with people he would most likely never endeavour to see again.
Familiar faces were beginning to jump out at him as he walked amongst the parties' guests. He caught Yuffie's eye and waved minutely in return as she all but jumped up and down in her excitement at seeing him. His Aunt Aqua was next to spot him, a three-year-old Namine held securely against her hip. She too waved and pointed over at him, whispering in Namine's ear. Namine just blinked owlishly. The last time Roxas had seen her, she'd only been a year old. There was no way she would recognise him now. He returned the wave all same. He had always liked his Aunt Aqua and Uncle Terra, and their son Ventus was one of Roxas' closest friends.
Many people present were old friends and colleagues of his grandfather; a lot of others were his past students. Roxas' grandfather, Yen Sid had once been a well-respected school teacher; starting out in his younger days teaching at the local primary school and eventually working his way up to become a renowned university professor. He'd been retired for a number of years now, but had always remained passionate about sharing his vast knowledge and helping others receive a sound education. He was a good, kind-hearted man; his generosity seemingly as endless as his long grey beard. Everyone present recognised his countless achievements over the years and happily celebrated his rich and wondrous life with him. At the grand old age of a hundred years, Grandfather Yen Sid still had a lot of fire left in him. He might not have taught a regular class for some time, but many still came to his home seeking advice, which he was always more than happy to give.
Roxas caught sight of his older cousin Leon standing over by a barbecue with metal tongs in hand. Leon noticed him too not a second later, his eyes widening slightly in surprise. He offered Roxas a small nod and smile in greeting before turning back to the person next to him who was engaging him in conversation. Roxas instantly felt truly selfish for trying to excuse himself from being here; his family really were all good, kind people. He had just spent so much time and effort avoiding him for so long, that if he were to suddenly encounter the embodiment of his broken heart again, he wasn't so sure how well he could hide his wayward emotions. The fact that he had Xion with him meant absolutely nothing. Fortunately, he'd known this day was going to come sooner or later and he'd had more than enough time to prepare. He was certain he could act calm and collected easily, and was determined to survive the afternoon with his dignity intact.
Shuffling around another small group of people that all acknowledged them and grinned in welcome, Roxas finally spotted who he was looking for. Over on the very far edge of the gathering stood his father, Cloud, and his mother, Tifa. Their hair was their most distinguishable features and Roxas had always looked for 'yellow and black' whenever he'd gotten lost as a child. They were both facing away from him but his father's spray of blond spikes and his mother's sleek black hair were like a beacon of hope as he immediately started pulling Xion in their direction. It was only after he moved closer and had a clear line of sight that he realised who they were speaking to and his heart sank considerably. They were standing amongst a small group of people that Roxas instantly recognised. It was his Uncle Zack and Aunt Aerith, and one of their mutual family friends, Cid. The five of them all had drinks in hand, their expressions cheerful as the festivities continued on around them.
Hoping to make as smooth an entrance as possible, Roxas let go of Xion and placed his hand on his father's shoulder; instantly drawing the older man's attention. Cloud turned, his clear blue eyes questioning until they widened in recognition, a small contented smile playing over his lips. "I was wondering when you were going to get here."
Roxas grinned apologetically, his eyes darting over everyone present before returning his attention back to his father and mother. "Hey, yeah, sorry we're late. Our GPS took us way off course."
"Sure, sure," Tifa teased from Cloud's right. "Like I haven't heard you use that one before."
Cloud shuffled slightly to the side, wordlessly inviting Roxas and Xion to join their circle of conversation.
"It's good to see ya, Rox – was beginnin' to think ya forgot about us." Cid lamented loudly, the grin on his face ruthless.
Roxas just rolled his eyes in mock annoyance; he was already expecting to receive a dozen wise-cracks today about his two-year absence, so of course Cid would be the first to deliver. Opening his mouth to answer with a jab of his own, the words promptly died on his lips as he was suddenly yanked forward by the wrist and pulled into a bear hug so tight his ribs creaked in protest.
"Roxas, is that you?" His Uncle Zack boomed into his ear, squeezing him again and rocking them both jauntily from side to side. Somewhere off to their right, his mother laughed, obviously enjoying his current predicament. Zack jerked backwards and grabbed him by the shoulders instead; the grin on his face wide and honest. "Hell, how long has it been since we saw you last? A year? Two?"
"It's been two," Cloud informed Zack, Tifa tutting and nodding in agreement. She jokingly tried to look stern, her eyes narrowing. "He's a terrible son; doesn't visit as often as he should!"
Zack slapped Roxas on the back and threw back his head and laughed. "Hah! You're telling me!" He gestured to Xion standing quietly at Roxas' side, the bottle of beer in his hand swinging wildly and nearly smacking a scowling Cid in the face. "And who's this lovely young lady, Rox? She's gorgeous, you lucky dog!" His Aunt Aerith nodded along in agreement as her husband continued to laugh. She smiled kindly over at them both. Xion blushed a pretty pink at the off-handed compliment and smiled back shyly. She clasped her hands in front of her and moved closer to Roxas.
Roxas laughed along too, only feeling slightly embarrassed over Zack's rumbustious behaviour. His uncle's personality was comforting in its familiarity; he never really changed. He had always been a bouncing ball of energy and cheer…just like his son…
Feeling everyone's eyes still on him, Roxas blinked away the traitorous memories surging to the forefront of his mind and slid an arm around Xion's waist; pulling her flush against him. He hurried to introduce her. "Ah, this is my girlfriend, Xion. We met at HBU." He smiled down at her, giving her a light squeeze. "Xi, this is my uncle, Zack, a friend of the family, Cid and my aunt, Aerith – and you remember my mum and dad. Aerith and my mum are sisters." Roxas gestured to Zack, Cid, Aerith and his parents in turn as he said their names, Xion smiling warmly and giving them each a small nod in greeting. "It's lovely to meet you all, and it's good to see you again, Tifa, Cloud. I've never been this far north before, so it's a nice change from the city."
"It really is beautiful up here, isn't it?" Aerith said, her fingers playing idly with the plastic straw in her glass of punch. "The weather is just perfect this time of year, too." Her striking green eyes looked to Roxas then, her kind smile still in place. "Roxas, have you seen Sora yet? He's very excited to catch up with you."
"Yeah, he's been missing you, bud," Zack interjected, Roxas not missing the way his uncle suddenly stood up straighter; a challenging gleam in his eyes, "– says you never answer his calls or texts anymore."
Roxas' fingers tightened around Xion's waist and he shifted in place nervously. Everyone was now silently waiting for his answer. Despite Xion's earlier reassurance, Roxas had known this exact conversation was going to eventuate, whether he wanted it to or not. The guilt and anxiety he had desperately been trying to keep at bay since arriving here instantly flooded to the surface. He was a fool for ever thinking Zack wouldn't take the slight on his younger son personally.
His paranoia briefly flaring, Roxas' common sense rapidly kicked in and assured him he was being worried for nothing. There was no logical way anyone present here, or anyone else in his family for that matter, would know the true reason he had so persistently cut Sora out of his life.
In a manner of seconds, Roxas had smoothly stepped into the persona he had specifically rehearsed at home for this exact situation. He schooled his features into the very picture of confused innocence; the practiced lies falling perfectly from his lips.
"I…stupidly lost my phone a while back and all of my contacts, but I did get his number off Ven again and tried calling a few times…Did he mention receiving anything from me? I only ever got message bank. I've honestly never gotten anything from him…"
Zack opened his mouth to reply, but his gaze suddenly shifted to the left; his attention drawn over Roxas' shoulder. Roxas' entire world instantly narrowed to the only person he knew could possibly be standing behind him. The breath in his lungs stalled. He started to turn.
Warm hands slid around his waist, fingers of one hand wriggling between him and Xion as he was sharply pulled backwards against a firm, lean chest. Roxas idly noted Xion stepping away from him, her eyes curious; the hands of the person embracing him splaying briefly across his chest before curling more closely around his sides.
"I've never gotten so much as a single text from you! Not a one!" Sora grouched good-naturedly into Roxas' ear. He rested his chin on Roxas' shoulder, his arms squeezing him just that little bit closer.
Roxas gurgled out an awkward laugh that he couldn't quite stifle in time and willed himself to remain calm. His heart immediately attempted jumping out from behind his ribs. Sora was too close – he was always too damn close. Painfully aware of what his face might be revealing, Roxas angrily told himself to pull it together. Hating himself for it, but unable to fully control himself, Roxas shifted subtly and brushed his cheek against Sora's own, breathing in the other man's nostalgic scent. He leaned into the embrace fleetingly, savouring Sora's familiar warmth seeping through the thin cotton of his shirt.
The smile felt tight and strained on his face, but Roxas hoped it looked convincing. He lifted his hands and tugged at Sora's wrists, the pads of his fingers tingling at the contact between their bare skin. "Well, that's pretty weird," he laughed, "Cause I've sent over a dozen messages, or more. Maybe I…better check the number."
Sora's arms loosened from around his waist before releasing him altogether and Roxas immediately turned, the words nearly dying in his throat as they finally faced each other.
They were both 25 now, but where Sora had always been a little on the skinny side and gangly, he was now all lean muscle and strong, smooth curves. He looked like a model in his plain white t-shirt and denim cargo shorts. Roxas had heard from Ventus that Sora had taken up professional surfing and was actually quite good at it; he was planning on competing in a national competition at the end of summer. The stony smile was still locked in place but Roxas' eyes raced over Sora's features, greedily drinking him in. Those beautiful blue eyes he could endlessly fall into, the flutter of his dark lashes, the sweep of his cheek bones and perfectly bowed lips. Everything about Sora, Roxas silently worshipped, right down to the very roots of his wildly styled, chocolate brown hair.
Oh God…Why did this have to be so hard?
Ever since he was 16, Roxas had never loved anyone else.
And it couldn't just be the type of love he held for Xion – something simple and light-hearted – no. The love Roxas held for Sora was all-consuming, like the walls of a dam violently bursting and wasting everything in its path – like an uncontrollable fire, desolating rain-parched forests and a thousand family homes in its ferocity. For so long, for so many sleepless nights he'd wish his feelings for his cousin never existed, and ask himself why – over and over again. Why did he have to fall in love with him?
"Sora, hey! It's been a while, huh?"
Sora huffed, his bottom lip jutting out slightly in a pout before melting into a wide, cheery grin. "That's the understatement of a century – it's felt like a lifetime!" He lightly tapped his knuckles against Roxas' sternum. "Don't even think about leaving today without getting my number. I don't know who the hell you've been calling, but it definitely hasn't been me!"
"Oi, Sora, where's my beer? I'm dryin' out over here!" Cid interrupted, noticing Sora's hands clearly empty.
Sora blinked in surprise before his expression quickly turned sheepish. He rubbed at the back of his head nervously, his trademark grin back in place. "Er, I saw Rox heading over here and kinda forgot. Sorry, old man."
Cid was not impressed. "That'd be right, nobody worry about poor, ol' Cid…" He left the group for the drink's table, grumbling all the while.
"Hey, get me another one too, Cid! The pale ale!" Zack called after the older man's retreating form.
"I want a lager…" Cloud murmured, looking after Cid too.
"And a lager for Cloud!" Zack loudly added, some other guests near them turning to see what all the commotion was about.
Cid flipped a hand into the air, letting them know he'd heard before they lost sight of him amongst the other partygoers.
"I'll go help him. I wouldn't mind another glass of that honey wine – it's so sweet!" Aerith said, placing a hand on Zack's arm. She looked around at everyone questioningly. "Does anyone else want a drink?"
"Yes. Please." Roxas cut in. "A beer would be great." He surreptitiously glanced over at Sora now standing beside him and inwardly sighed. He hadn't expected to be cornered so soon. Any kind of liquid courage right now would be more than welcome.
"I'll have something non-alcoholic please; anything's fine," Xion requested, Aerith nodding in turn before also leaving to follow Cid.
With everyone's drinks sorted, Sora immediately focussed all of his attention back on Roxas, his eyes instantly alighting on Xion at Roxas' side. "Who's this, Rox? Is this your girlfriend?" He beamed over at Xion, flashing his perfectly straight teeth. The weird tension going unnoticed by her, Xion smiled happily and gave Sora a small wave. "Yes, I'm Xion. It's nice to meet you, Sora."
"Likewise," Sora returned, before training his eyes back on Roxas. "So are you guys up here for the week then? Or just a couple of days? Leon was only saying the other day that he couldn't even remember the last time he saw you – me too actually, when I think about it! I can't believe I had your number wrong! Man, I shoulda asked your mum or something, I feel like the biggest idiot!"
His mind racing, Roxas went for casual and silently congratulated himself when his answer came out sounding natural. "Don't even worry about it, I was wondering about that, too. I thought it was weird you weren't replying…" Out of the corner of his eye Roxas caught his parents exchanging glances with each other; Tifa offering Cloud a small shrug. Years ago, before he even started contemplating moving away, Roxas had told them he and Sora had had an irreparable falling out, so the casualness of this entire conversation was probably coming across as odd to them.
Roxas had to wonder as well…Sora liked to play the goofball, but in reality he was actually quite perceptive. The fact that he was being so nonchalant about Roxas blatantly ignoring him for years and then outright lying about it to his face seemed completely…out of character. No matter what game Sora was trying to play, Roxas was determined not to care; he didn't even want to tell him how long he was in town for. After today, if he could help it, he never planned on seeing Sora again.
"If you've got time to spare, you could come round to ours for dinner tomorrow night? Leon's fully qualified now and works down at Geppetto's – makes the best damn lasagne I've ever tasted," Zack suggested, landing a large hand on one of Sora's shoulders, who smiled at Roxas encouragingly. Roxas inwardly cringed, subtly reaching for Xion's hand that was brushing against the back of his own. Xion felt his touch and promptly twined their fingers together.
"Yeah, we'll have to see how long we end up staying at Hayner's. We're going round to his tomorrow afternoon." Roxas told them, relieved for once not to have to lie through his teeth. This conversation was already thoroughly exhausting him. It was time to make an escape.
Sora frowned; he didn't even try to hide his disappointment. Roxas braced himself for the argument he knew was coming when all of a sudden, Sora's eyes widened in surprise. He abruptly craned his neck over his shoulder; Roxas trying hard not to stare at the taut muscles shifting beneath all that tanned skin. His eyes rested minutely on the silver crown pendant Sora wore around his neck that he was never seen without. It figured that he would still be wearing it, just to rub salt into Roxas' wounds. Zack released Sora's shoulder and looked over at the other guests as well; obviously curious as to who his son was looking for.
"I can't believe I forgot," Sora murmured, still peering intently at the groups of people standing behind them. He paused, then – "Hey Kairi! Come over here a sec! I want you to meet some people!"
Roxas' entire body went still. His chest ached anew as a pretty young woman with burgundy-red hair and bright blue eyes started making her way through the crowd over to them; a fond smile dimpling her cheeks. When she finally came within normal speaking range, Sora swiftly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, giving her an affectionate squeeze. "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Kairi – Kairi meet my cousin Roxas and his girl, Xion. They've come all the way up here from the big city!"
One simple sentence and Roxas' worst fears were confirmed. Of course Sora would have a girlfriend by now…it would've been weird if he didn't. He felt himself die just a little bit more on the inside.
"Hey guys, nice to meet you both," Kairi cheerfully answered, tucking a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear. "That's a pretty long way to travel; did you fly up this morning?" She pressed the bottle of beer she was holding into Sora's waiting hand, who accepted it without question and promptly brought it to his lips. Roxas watched the bottle's ascent for a split second before panicking and shifting his gaze to the grass between his feet. Maybe if he willed it hard enough, the ground would open up beneath him and swallow him whole.
Xion sensing Roxas' sudden disquiet squeezed his hand once and quietly cleared her throat. "Yes, we're up here for the whole weekend. We got a hire car so we could explore a little bit and visit a few of Roxas' old friends." Roxas just nodded, still trying to avoid looking directly at the perfect couple in front of him, but, damn it, they looked so good together. He fiddled with the handle of the gift bag he was still toting and wondered if his smile looked as painful as it felt.
Finishing the last of Kairi's beer, Sora, like a dog with a bone was all too quick to cut in, "That's great! We should go out on a double date before you go back. It'd be good to have a proper catch up, since it's been so long." Kairi hummed in approval; Sora's big blue eyes wide and hopeful.
Cloud snorted and actually grinned. "Double date…" He stole a glance at Tifa who was also trying to suppress a broad smile of her own.
Roxas rolled his eyes skyward and ignored the both of them, even if he was thinking the same thing. "Yeah, that sounds pretty good actually," He lied through his teeth, his eyes shifting to somewhere just left of Sora's chin. "I'll have to make sure of what we've got planned, exactly, but if nothing works out; we can always catch up today."
"Touché," Kairi said, smiling over at Sora and then at Roxas and Xion. "We'll work something out; we're pretty flexible."
"Flexible…right," Roxas mumbled, trying to keep his growing confusion from showing too plainly on his face. It just seemed strange somehow, like there was something crucial he wasn't being told. It almost looked like Sora wanted to get him alone and Roxas would be damned if he ever allowed that to happen.
Roxas cleared his throat just a little too loudly and turned to the group as a whole. "We're just going to go say hello to Grandfather Yen Sid, and then we'll be back…Maybe say hello to Ven along the way, too."
Sora's expression was still so open and honest it made Roxas' heart twist painfully just to see it. "Sure! We'll be around here somewhere. When you get back, your drinks will probably be here, too."
Roxas hated lying, hated more that Sora looked at him with such unguarded relief and hope in his eyes. Yes, they had been close once, but now, Sora just didn't seem to get it – he just had to keep pushing the issue of their neglected friendship. Roxas had never exactly spelled it out for him, but his behaviour over the years should have made it perfectly obvious. He didn't want to be friends, and it seemed like everyone but Sora could see that. Why did he have to keep chasing after him? Couldn't he just accept that the way things were between them was for the best?
Pushing his destructive thoughts back down, Roxas threw another reassuring smile Sora and Kairi's way, before turning away and leading Xion back towards the base of the Jacaranda tree. Grandfather Yen Sid would be waiting there. Xion hurried her steps to keep up with Roxas' long strides as he rushed to put as much distance between him and Sora as physically possible.
"…Are you okay? You're trembling…" Xion murmured quietly. She offered the slightest bit of comfort by squeezing Roxas' hand held tightly within her own.
Roxas nodded in reply, still facing forward as he manoeuvred them around several small groups of other guests, wonky round tables and white plastic chairs. He knew he probably looked relatively calm on the outside, but inside he was positively screaming. He shuddered in a deep breath.
"I'm okay. Sora and I…just had a big falling out a couple years ago. It's still a bit weird between us."
Xion frowned, weaving around some children playing with Tonka trucks and soldiers in the cool, green grass underfoot. "Really? Well, he seemed awfully happy to see you again, so maybe it's all water under the bridge, now?"
Roxas stopped walking and looked back at her, his expression completely unguarded for one brief moment. The guilt rose in him like a tsunami sucking at the coastline.
"Yeah. Maybe."
It was obvious she didn't understand – that she could tell there was more to the story, but Xion just smiled all the same, offering Roxas whatever comfort she could possibly give.
Roxas shakily gave her a smile of his own, but it wasn't hiding anything. He looked away and kept moving forward. He really didn't deserve her…especially when he knew he could never love her the way she wanted him to.
-0-
Summer.
Although the seasons were all fairly similar in his part of the world, summer was easily Roxas' favourite. Every year until he was 16, Roxas would spend the entirety of his summer holidays at Grandfather Yen Sid's home in the countryside. As far as he could recall, his grandfather's house had always had an old, rundown look about it – a weathered Queenslander that was still elevated on its original wooden stumps, with flaking off-white paint, and two sweeping sets of rickety stairs that led to the front and back doors of the house, respectively, straight onto the wrap-around veranda.
Those long, hot summers spent there defined his childhood, where he and his cousins – Leon, Sora and Ventus would have countless adventures, the grass-filled paddocks and rolling hills their limitless backyard. A freshwater creek ran right through the heart of the property where they would fish for barramundi and catfish on homemade hand lines, and when the soaring summer temperatures got particularly stifling and made their shirts stick to their backs they would swing off a frayed hemp rope for hours, splashing down into the cool refreshing water below.
In the failing light of the afternoon, the air would be thick with the sweet scent of the nearby Poinciana and Jacaranda, the lingering heat finally dissipating as they climbed along tree branches to snatch up handfuls of finger-staining mulberries and ripe, fragrant peaches.
When night fell and their rumbling stomachs forced them inside, they would all help their grandfather make dinner – hearty lamb and vegetable stews and potato-topped shepherd's pie. They would lounge around watching cartoons on television or get overly competitive over a game of monopoly before sharing their favourite bedtime stories and falling into peaceful, vibrant dreams. It was a beautiful time in Roxas' life and he and his cousins, along with their grandfather spent many memorable days there together.
It would only be years later, after Roxas' started becoming a man that things began changing for the worse.
Leon was Sora's older brother and where Roxas and Sora were both the same age, Leon was three years their senior. Ventus was only two years older than the two younger boys, so naturally due to their age differences, ended up spending a lot more time with Leon. This meant that Roxas and Sora were usually left to their own devices, gallivanting far and wide across the picturesque countryside that afforded them such endless opportunity for fun and mischief.
Growing up, Roxas and Sora were the closest of friends; there wasn't anything they wouldn't share with each other. If they could only reach one peach between them from high up on the tree they would each eat a half, passing it back and forth between them until only the ridged seed was left. They would ride one pushbike across the lush paddocks and rough dirt tracks, taking turns at pedalling while the other sat on the handlebars. After dinner they would play fight and wrestle in the old, claw-foot bathtub, water and suds sloshing all over the tiled floor. They even shared a toothbrush for a time until their grandfather kindly explained to them the basics of personal hygiene and at night they slept curled together like two baby koalas, Sora sneaking into Roxas' comfier bed when all of the lights were out. They loved each other – it was innocent and pure, and Roxas was so very happy to have found his best friend so close to home.
He could still vividly recall the exact day he realised the love he had for Sora was no longer entirely innocent. He was six years old and he and Sora were lazing around inside the house for once, Disney's Snow White playing on the television. The handsome prince leaned down for a kiss, a small subtle brush of lips and the enchanted princess instantly awoke from her accursed slumber. It was true love, unlike any they had ever seen before and it was simply magical. Sora was enraptured; so was Roxas. His first thought had been that he wanted to kiss Sora like that, too, and so he did. Sora flushed all the way up to the roots of his messy brown hair, but still smiled shyly and was instantly pleased. They loved each other, so why not do this as well? They had never considered for a second that what they were doing was wrong.
"That's gross! You can't do that!" A nine-year-old Leon exclaimed one day, catching sight of Sora kissing Roxas' cheek.
"Why not?" Sora had questioned, honestly confused and curious.
Roxas had just felt angry. "Yeah! Why can't we?"
Leon had only shaken his head and laughed at them both. Didn't they know that boys were only allowed to kiss girls, and only the one they wanted to be with forever? Boys did not kiss other boys, especially not within their own family. It was weird and wrong. Nobody did such a thing.
Sora had been sad and disappointed, but he'd understood well enough of what Leon was saying. Roxas had felt mostly upset and embarrassed…he still didn't understand. He didn't want to be with a girl forever and only kiss her – he wanted to be with Sora.
It was only downhill from there. Eventually, Roxas understood the way the world worked and how it generally wasn't accepted to have romantic feelings for another boy. Specifically, for him, Roxas came to realise that his love and Sora's love were two entirely different things, and unfortunately in his case, being in love with his first cousin was something so forbidden and disgusting that decent folk never spoke of such things. Incest, it was called and Roxas learned that what he felt for Sora was abnormal and perverted and wrong, which in turn made he, himself wrong for even feeling that way, and he had no idea how to fix himself.
When he'd first realised his unsettling attraction to Sora and the full extent of his feelings, Roxas had immediately tried distancing himself, but it hadn't worked. Sora had noticed his odd, gradual detachment and the betrayed look in his eyes had been too much for Roxas to bear. So, Roxas had kept it a secret – a secret that slowly corroded away at him; devouring him from the inside out.
Everything came to a head when Roxas turned 16. That summer was the clincher. As his body went through the changes from boy to man, his hormones fairly raged; he couldn't stand being in Sora's presence anymore. He tried desperately to pretend nothing was different, but he couldn't help it; couldn't act like everything was okay when it wasn't.
He'd catch himself staring at beads of water tracking slowly down Sora's thin chest after they'd been swimming in the creek – found his mind wandering when Sora's expression would melt into bliss when he ate something that tasted amazing – would lose his mind all over again with a slide of an arm around his shoulders, or the brush of a hand against the back of his own. Sora's warm affectionate smile had Roxas trying to convince himself it meant something more…but, ultimately, it never would.
They sneak out of the house one afternoon, stealing through rolling, overgrown paddocks and far across the busy current of the meandering creek to somewhere where they wouldn't be found easily; a bottle of their grandfather's old mulberry port hidden safe beneath Sora's shirt. They stumble across one of the biggest Poinciana trees Roxas has ever seen and so they help each other climb up to the very top, eventually stopping to rest amongst the riot of scarlet flowers shifting all around them, the branch supporting them gently bobbing in the fine summer breeze.
The sun was setting; the clouded blue sky fading and bleeding into soft purples, warm pinks and vivid reds and oranges. Roxas found it so very beautiful. He looked to Sora and his heart thumped harder in his chest. Sora had his head thrown back, the bottle of mulberry port brought to his lips, the curve of his throat and the way his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks as he drank took Roxas' breath away.
They sat like that for a time, just gazing out at the sunset; comfortable in their companionable silence. Their thighs and shoulders touched as they passed the bottle of port back and forth, taking small sips as the hum and thrill of cicadas reached a fever pitch in the branches below their swinging feet.
Sora looked out in front of them, a small smile curving his lips. "You know…you really mean the world to me, Rox. I wish we could be like this forever…"
Roxas froze, his eyes widening. Could he really mean…?
Sora passed him the half-empty bottle of port and time stood still. Roxas leaned over to accept the offered bottle and covered Sora's hand with his own. It was in that moment, when Sora turned to look at him, that Roxas pressed a small, tender kiss to his lips.
"I…I feel the same. I love you too, Sora."
The port bottle caught between them, Roxas pulled Sora flush against him, holding him close. He felt elated and dizzy from his confession, his heart soaring. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined Sora would share his feelings.
Sora was so still in his arms. "Roxas, I…are you drunk already? I mean, I love you, too, and you're like a brother to me, but…"
The breath caught in Roxas' throat, his arms turning rigid around Sora's shoulders.
Oh God…What have I done?
He jerkily pushed himself away; a wide, painful smile carved into his features. He breathed out a laugh. "Jeez, what did you think I meant? Of course you're like a brother to me, too – I was only trying to freak you out!"
There was a pause, uncertainty colouring Sora's eyes until he laughed too, shoved at Roxas' shoulder. "Holy crap, you had me going there for a sec! What kinda joke is that? Oi, gimme the bottle back!"
Roxas laughed harder, praying it wasn't coming across as hysterical as he teasingly kept the port bottle out of Sora's reach. Like a brother…was echoing around and around inside of his head.
His heart felt shattered into a million jagged pieces, and nothing would ever be the same between them again.
He did it gradually to avoid as much suspicion as possible but Roxas eventually cut Sora off completely. After his devastating confession in the Poinciana tree, he immersed himself in his schooling, and dated girl, after girl, after girl and took on several after-school jobs. He made sure he was always too busy – anything to avoid seeing Sora.
That was the last time he ever went to his grandfathers for the summer.
He stopped answering Sora's calls, only sent vague text messages in reply (if he bothered to answer at all) and slowly, but surely, Sora confused and hurt finally caught on to what was happening. He backed off for a time and Roxas breathed a sigh of relief until tenacious as ever, Sora came after him. The harder Roxas pushed him away, the harder Sora tried to pull him back. Roxas never outright told Sora he didn't want to be friends anymore, but he couldn't do it, not when he didn't know what he would say in the face of Sora's desperate confusion. No, it was better this way – it had to be.
Their familial ties kept them permanently linked, and they still saw each other occasionally at family gatherings, but that was as far their friendship now went. The fact that their mothers were sisters meant Roxas would never be completely free of Sora and this was the part of their bond he came to despise the most. If only they hadn't been related…how different would things be...?
It became easier to avoid Sora after he graduated from school, Roxas choosing to study at the university furthest away from his home town, until finally, he managed to secure a hard won placement at a more prestigious school down south in the capital.
He had hoped that his feelings would gradually diminish as the distance between them increased, but it only seemed to make his heart yearn for Sora more. He mourned him, as if he was dead – the loss of his best friend and unrequited love. His broken heart never healed.
-0-
Roxas and Xion ambled their way towards the ancient Jacaranda tree; three-year-old Namine holding both of their hands and swinging, suspended between them. She was a charming, cheerful little girl with a beautiful smile and Roxas had taken an instant liking to her.
It was late afternoon now, the sun sinking low in the sky and just starting to dip below the horizon; its constant dry heat easing along with it. Fortunately, for the people still enjoying the party, the lovely cool breeze still lingered. Many of Roxas' grandfather's guests had already left for home, only a few still present, relaxing and conversing quietly under the purple canopy of the Jacaranda. A single round table was being utilised, the remaining guests all relaxing around it in a wonky circle of white plastic chairs.
After Roxas and Xion had greeted Grandfather Yen Sid, Roxas had wasted no time in seeking out his cousin Ventus who had been all too happy to accompany them down to the nearby creek. They made brief conversation with a few more familiar faces along the way and Ventus stopped to bring Namine along too. It was only after Roxas moved to the city that he and Ventus became closer friends. It was nice to escape down to the creek and catch up and reminisce about their childhood; Ventus glad for the excuse as he wasn't too fond of large crowds. Roxas felt mildly childish about wandering off and not making more of an effort to socialise, but he knew if he stayed, Sora wasn't going to let up on him. After their brief conversation earlier, Roxas was too exhausted to put himself in a similar situation again. Watching Sora and Kairi being perfectly compatible with each other had been pure torture – a torture he did not feel like revisiting.
Ventus was walking on just ahead of them, finishing up a phone call he'd unexpectedly received from a colleague at work. He was saying his goodbyes just when he reached the circle of people under the Jacaranda. Everyone present all looked up and over at their approach, some calling out a few casual greetings with Ventus replying in kind before he fell into an unoccupied chair next to his father, Terra.
"Nami!" Aunt Aqua called from her seat over between Aunt Aerith and Tifa; Namine instantly squealing in delight at the sight of her and letting go of Roxas' and Xion's hands. She darted past her father's snatching hands, weaved around Uncle Zack's legs and ran straight into her mother's outstretched arms.
That left Roxas and Xion walking together on their own as they slowly made short work of the distance between them and the rest of the remaining crowd. Roxas quickly noted that his entire extended family was still present as well as a few of their closest family friends – Cid, Mickey, Donald and Goofy. His Uncle Sephiroth's lavish supply of boutique wine and beer had all been put away; everyone now sipping from glasses full of refreshing fruit punch which sat close at hand in tall jugs at the centre of the table.
Everyone was quietly jovial; conversing in their own little groups and enjoying each other's company, Roxas' eyes immediately flicking over towards Sora and Kairi, who both looked over at them. At the sight of him, Sora's face instantly fell into a frown. Pretending he hadn't noticed, Roxas took a deep breath and clasped Xion's hand. They had plans for dinner and were finally leaving for their hotel. Roxas couldn't have been more relieved that he'd successfully avoided having another awkward conversation with Sora.
"Are you heading off?" His father asked, realising they weren't moving to sit down and join them.
Roxas opened his mouth to answer in the affirmative when his grandfather suddenly broke off from his conversation with Mickey and interrupted him.
"Ah, Roxas will know where they are…" He mused aloud to Mickey, his eyes alighting on Roxas; a kind smile on his face. "Roxas, would you mind going upstairs and retrieving the family photo albums? I want to relive some of my memories with young Mickey here."
Roxas hesitated for a split second longer before smiling in return and nodding. "Sure, Grandfather. Are they still in the wardrobe in the green bedroom?"
"Precisely," Grandfather Yen Sid affirmed, his dark eyes twinkling.
Across the table from Roxas, Sora suddenly shot to his feet. "I'll help, Rox! Those albums are pretty heavy."
Roxas released Xion's hand and raised one of his in front of him, trying to dissuade Sora. "No, that's okay, Sor – I got this. It's only one box."
Sora's expression fell, his eyebrows furrowing. He gave Roxas a strange, assessing look. "…If you're sure?"
Roxas spared Sora one more fleeting glance before dismissing him altogether. He was already turning towards the house. "Yeah, I can manage. Thanks though," he threw over his shoulder in answer, feeling oddly passive aggressive for some reason.
"Hey, Xion, come sit beside me!" Kairi called cheerfully, patting the empty chair beside her.
Xion shrugged at Roxas and offered him a small smile before leaving his side and moving around the table to take Kairi up on her offer. Kairi leaned forward and poured her a tall glass of punch which Xion happily accepted as she sat down.
Roxas swiftly made his way across the lawn and over towards the set of stairs that led up into the rear of his grandfather's house. He was impatient to get this over and done with for his grandfather, and then he and Xion would say their goodbyes. Despite the way the day had begun, Roxas had really enjoyed his afternoon with Xion, Ventus and Namine, as they took their time strolling through once familiar paddocks and along the banks of the peaceful creek. It was just plain irritating to return to the rest of his family and have Sora's tenacity shoved back in his face. Even now, he could feel Sora's gaze following him constantly as he climbed up the back stairs, walked along the veranda and stepped into the house.
It was suffocating. He just wanted to go home.
Making his way further inside, Roxas was instantly assaulted with memory upon memory of his countless summers spent in this very same house. It was beautiful, but bittersweet to recall how happy he had been here. Everything had been so wonderful…until he had ruined it all…
Passing through the kitchen which still looked like it was straight out of a 1960's time warp and currently a disorganised mess of plates, crockery and leftover bread rolls, Roxas kept walking straight into the living room where he skirted around overstuffed armchairs and past floor to ceiling bookcases that were crammed with years and years of collected knowledge. He turned into a short hallway which led to the three bedrooms of the house, immediately locating the door to the green bedroom specifically and twisting the old brass doorknob to enter.
The bedroom was exactly the same as he remembered; a moss-green quilted bed lay off to his immediate right, an old wooden dresser directly in front of him, while an old French, olive-coloured wardrobe sat close to his left.
Roxas wasted no time in walking over to it, flinging the wardrobe doors wide open. The contents inside were exactly what one would expect from a person who had been collecting possessions for decades – old stuffed toys, squashed felt hats and bulky winter coats; even a couple shelves full of more books, and right on the very top shelf was a large brown cardboard box with 'Family', scrawled along one side in neat, cursive writing. Bingo.
Reaching up on the very tips of his toes, Roxas cursed his short stature for the umpteenth time and steadily jimmied the box forward, settling it more firmly within his grasp before attempting to lift it from the shelf. Grabbing a hold of the indented hand holds on the sides, Roxas braced himself to take the boxes' weight and slowly began lowering it to the floor. He turned to place it down on his left and immediately caught sight of two very familiar bare feet just visible from under the open wardrobe door.
Roxas paused, still stooped over the box with his hands locked in the indents and stared blankly at the feet in front of him. Biting back a sigh borne of frustration, he felt a slight wave of nausea wash over him.
Straightening, Roxas snapped the wardrobe doors closed with one smooth movement, his eyes instantly locking with the endless blue of Sora's.
They coolly studied each other for a moment, Sora's eyes subtly different to how Roxas remembered them; their depths darker somehow…his expression harder…
His irritation plain on his face, Roxas was the first to look away. He bent down to grab up the box again, the rough edges of the cardboard hand holds digging hard into his fingers. "I said I was right, Sora."
"You know…?" Sora began conversationally, his eyebrows creasing, "It's been bothering me for years now – but I still don't know what I did to you, to make you cut me out the way you did."
Roxas hefted the solid box in front of him and held it secure against his chest as he made to step around Sora, his answer noticeably evasive. "We just…grew apart, Sora, it happens. Everyone has to grow up sometime."
Sora's expression hardened, his tone of voice resolute. He stepped in front of Roxas, effectively blocking his path to the door. "I'm not an idiot, Roxas. That day we sneaked out with the mulberry port – I know you weren't jo –"
The cardboard box dropped like a stone to the floor, its bottom splitting open on impact and large tomes tumbling out at their feet; both of Roxas' hands now fisted hard into the fabric of Sora's shirt as he violently wreathed the other man forward until their noses were touching, their foreheads nearly knocking together. Sora's eyes flew wide.
"Finish that sentence – I dare you!" Roxas spat into Sora's face, shaking him roughly.
"Oh!"
Both Roxas and Sora started in surprise, Roxas' hands loosening slightly as they both looked over towards the open doorway. Kairi was standing there, her eyes wary and frightened. "I-I'm sorry for interrupting! …Are you two having a fight?"
Growling low in his throat, Roxas deftly released Sora's shirt and stepped away from the mess of crumpled cardboard and albums at his feet. Honestly, could this day get any more difficult? He didn't care about niceties anymore – he just had to get out.
Saying nothing to either of them, Roxas avoided Sora's eyes as he swiftly stepped around him and attempted shoving his way past a skittish Kairi when a hand suddenly closed around his wrist, halting his hasty retreat.
"Hold on, we're not done here!" Sora groused, sharply pulling Roxas back away from the doorway and putting himself in between Roxas and Kairi. His anxiety mounting tenfold, and against his better judgement, Roxas waited silently as Sora bent down and retrieved the fallen albums from the floor, leaving the broken box in a small heap beside the wardrobe. He turned to Kairi, pressing the tomes into her hands. "Sorry, Kai, but could you give us a couple of minutes? We'll be down in a tick." Her expression serious, Kairi accepted the stack of albums without comment, supporting them on her forearms as her eyes flicked between Sora and Roxas nervously.
"Okay…I'll see you two downstairs."
With Kairi vanishing back the way she had come, Sora wasted no time in closing the bedroom door and pressing the small button on the knob to engage the lock. Roxas heard it and felt the raw panic setting in; he instantly felt trapped, his anger his last defence.
"I've got nothing to say to you," He snapped, Sora turning back to face him and unexpectedly pulling him into a rough hug, his arms tight around Roxas' neck and shoulders. Roxas was stunned, frozen on the spot. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting at Sora's revelation about his confession that day, but it certainly hadn't been this. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his shoulders trembling.
"Look. I get it, Roxas, I really do. But it was a long time ago and I don't see why you can't just put it behind you." Sora spoke directly into his ear, his strong words turning hesitant. "I…want us to be friends again – how we used to be. You were my best friend and I miss having you around…in fact…I've missed you for years. Even before you left."
Roxas was silent for a few earth-shattering moments. He pulled back rigidly, his hands grasping hard around Sora's shoulders. "Put it behind me? You want me to put my feelings for you behind me?"
"Roxas, we were kids, you were just confused," Sora smiled encouragingly, misreading the situation entirely. "But you've got a really cute girlfriend now and you two look great together. You just went through a phase, and sometimes, that's just a big part of growing up."
Roxas was visibly shaking now, his fingers clenching harder into Sora's shoulders. Sora's words cut at him, like a hot knife thrust violently in his abdomen and twisted under his ribs. Something deep inside of him snapped.
He couldn't take it anymore.
Consequences be damned, Roxas used his momentum against Sora and abruptly whirled them around, slamming Sora back hard against the bedroom wall. Taken completely by surprise, Sora was instantly stunned, the breath forced from his lungs. His blue eyes were impossibly wide, Roxas pushing forward to roughly press against him, preventing any attempts at escape. Roxas grabbed Sora's chin and forced him to look him in the eyes, his expression full of his anguish.
"I have never stopped feeling for you."
Roxas smashed his lips down over Sora's, prying his mouth open and plunging his tongue deep inside. Sora choked and gasped and tried to jerk away but Roxas held him fast – grasping his chin harder, and pulling him back into the forceful kiss. Sora whimpered, his hands tearing at Roxas' shirt; desperate to get away.
Roxas bit at Sora's lip and pulled back slightly, staring hard into his frightened blue eyes. "I have never stopped wanting you this way." He harshly grabbed Sora's hips and grinded his own into them, his body's reactions already lost to an impulse he'd been denying himself for far too long. "– and I can't stand it, that I can never have you!"
"Stop…" Sora whispered brokenly as he pushed at Roxas' shoulders; Roxas in turn, just pressing him more firmly into the wall and sliding his lips down the column of Sora's throat. He reached the juncture between shoulder and neck and bit down hard, his hips insistently shifting, his fingers digging into Sora's skin. Sora jerked and suddenly went still, his face clearly conveying his growing alarm. He could feel Roxas' obvious erection pressing against him. Panting lightly, his eyes snapped back to Roxas' own and balked at the determination he saw there. He slowly shook his head. "You…we can't do this…"
Roxas set his jaw and pulled Sora's hips sharply forward, perfectly aligning them with his. He felt Sora's body starting to react to the stimulation and felt a grim sense of satisfaction. There was a part of him that was screaming that it wasn't supposed to be like this – that this entire situation was horribly wrong, but Roxas' conscience was no longer in control. All of his focus was swiftly diverted downwards as Sora swelled within his pants. Still bruising Sora's hips with his fingers, Roxas purposely rubbed their clothed erections together; taking pleasure in Sora's answering hardness. Feeling the subtle movement between them instantly, Sora groaned; quietly horrified. The shock was beginning to wear off now, his expression turning serious with just a hint of underlying anger. He pushed harder at Roxas' shoulders, more insistent. "I mean it, Roxas – let me go."
Releasing one of Sora's hips, but still firmly holding them in place with his body, Roxas ghosted a hand along Sora's cheek before thumping his forearm into the wall beside his head; his hand clenching into a tight fist. "I'm tired of fighting," he murmured, his voice strained and his eyes full of his heavy sadness.
Still terribly unsettled by the intimate contact of their bodies, Sora had pressed his hands into the wall behind him as he tried to avoid causing more of the unwanted sensation from coursing through him. His eyes were filled with dread, almost pleading with Roxas to back off and release him. Roxas was having none of it. He'd come this far, hadn't he? …It was already done.
"I've tried so hard to let you go, but you just won't let me be. I move away, change my number and yet you still chase after me and just keep on calling and calling – and Xion?" Roxas choked out a horrid laugh. "Yeah, she's great – she's a wonderful person, but she's not you, Sora!"
Sora was silent now and so still, his chest rising and falling erratically as if he'd just run a mile. He flinched visibly as Roxas shifted the hand beside his head and gently cupped his cheek again. He trembled as Roxas whispered onto his bruised lips, years of helplessness and longing painting his features. "Just…Just let me have this. Please…"
Sora made a small noise of distress as he searched Roxas' face. Roxas knew Sora was too nice for his own good…he couldn't ignore this – couldn't pretend this wasn't happening. There was no way he would realise Roxas' pain and do nothing to help him, especially when he would blame himself for being the primary cause…
"They're waiting downstairs for us…" Sora whispered, his voice breaking. He was shaking again.
"Sora…"
Roxas slowly leaned forward and brushed their lips together, still holding Sora's gaze. Sora didn't break away this time, didn't move at all. His eyes stayed locked with Roxas' deep blues a moment longer, nervously searching – for what, Roxas wasn't sure, but slowly, deliberately his eyelids fluttered closed. His heart jumping, Roxas moaned into Sora's open mouth and closed his eyes too, feeling the way Sora was cautiously surrendering. Sora's hands slid from their position against the wall, only to hesitantly curl around Roxas' hips, his fingers trembling in the cotton fabric of Roxas' shirt. Sora breathed into his mouth and his body lost some of its tension; his head tilted slightly to the side, their lips seamlessly sliding together and Roxas was lost. Hungrily, he pressed into Sora again, a jolt of pleasure racing through his body as the feel of Sora still hard against him made him shudder and groan.
He slid his tongue along Sora's bottom lip, whimpered softly when the warmth and wet of Sora's tongue tentatively pressed into his mouth. They kissed for long moments, Roxas' hands slowly exploring, gliding around Sora's hips, pushing under his shirt and brushing up his stomach and teasing over peaked nipples. He started a slow, fluid pace, rolling their hips together deliciously.
"Ahh…!" Sora panted and gasped for breath, his eyes still squeezed shut tight as he rested his head back against the wall. Roxas kissed and licked and pressed his tongue and lips down Sora's neck, paying close attention to any particular spots that made Sora's breaths hitch with obvious pleasure.
Sora's warm skin was so smooth and inviting under Roxas' fingertips – never, had he imagined that this would ever – could ever happen. Fantasy had become an insane reality and he forced himself to pause, lazily drinking in the curve of Sora's neck, his shallow, panted breaths and the subtle faint, flush to his tanned skin. Sora's brilliant blue eyes slid open as Roxas pulled away from him, his hands still fisted into the fabric of Roxas' shirt. Roxas' eyes slid past Sora's bruised lips and down further, instantly enraptured by the way the fading afternoon light glinted off of the crown pendant around Sora's neck. It shifted with every one of Sora's quiet breaths, resting neatly in the small hollow between his clavicles. That damn pendant…It had been the last gift he had ever given Sora, for his 16th birthday, and Roxas was both infuriated yet gloriously happy to see him still wearing it. After all these years, Roxas had never once seen him wear anything else. He didn't know what to make of it, really, but after so much time and silence between them, the fact that he was still wearing it spoke volumes. It seemed like Sora had never stopped missing him.
Trailing his fingers down the subtle ridges of Sora's abdomen, Roxas told himself he should be satisfied – with just this one chance to hold Sora like this, but he knew he wasn't. What he really wanted, was skin on skin.
Sora sucked in a startled breath and his hands tightened on Roxas' hips as Roxas' hands trailed lower still, his fingers fumbling with the top button on Sora's pants. One of Sora's hands closed over both of Roxas', halting his movements. "…Isn't this enough…?"
Roxas didn't look up, only pausing for a second before silently shaking his head. He ignored Sora's grip on his fingers and continued anyway, swiftly popping the button and pulling at the zipper. Sora went to speak but Roxas cut him off, sealing their mouths together again and pushing his tongue deep into his mouth. Sora moaned; pressed himself back hard into the wall as Roxas' lips eagerly followed him, keeping them connected. Roxas closed his eyes, relying on touch alone as he shifted the rough fabric of the cargo shorts out of the way and down, already pulling at the waistband of Sora's boxers. One of his hands dipped inside, his fingers instantly touching the warm, silken hardness hidden within. Sora writhed – unconsciously pressed himself into Roxas' hand as Roxas firmly grasped him, then released him, the tips of his fingers gently ghosting all the way down and then all the way up. He squeezed around the head; Sora gasping into his mouth, his hands returning to clench hard around Roxas' hips.
Roxas impatiently tugged Sora's shorts and boxers the rest of the way down, the fabric caught behind Sora and the wall, stopping them from falling completely to the floor. It was enough though, Sora now intimately bare before him, but Roxas didn't pause to look, his mouth releasing Sora's moist lips and returning to the beating pulse point on the other man's neck. His unoccupied hand pulled the buckle free on his belt, the button and zipper of his own pants following suit. The light tremble of Sora's body was infectious; Roxas pumping Sora slowly as he pulled himself free of his pants and rubbed forwards, pressing their naked erections close together.
"Ahh…! R-Rox…!"
Oh God, Roxas thought desperately, say it again…
His name falling from those perfect lips was like a healing balm to his very soul.
Biting lightly at Sora's neck, both of Roxas' hands slid over and around them, twisting gently at the soft yet firm flesh. His thumbs smoothed over the heads of their erections pressed so close, massaging deftly into the minute openings he found there. He answered Sora's quiet moan with a lustful one of his own. He idly noted that he and Sora were roughly the same size, his fingers gliding through the fluid leaking from his own arousal, as well as Sora's and spreading it further over them. His tongue flicking over the reddened skin of Sora's neck, Roxas continued to slowly, but firmly stroke them both, one of his hands pulling free and lifting to his own mouth. He licked and laved along his palm, quickly collecting more moisture there before returning it down between them; Sora starting slightly as Roxas began a smooth, steady rhythm, their hips slowly rocking. Roxas pressed a lingering kiss into Sora's cheek and sought his lips again, Sora wordlessly obliging, panting into Roxas' mouth before accepting the hungry press of his lips. Sora hadn't opened his eyes for some time now, his eyebrows furrowed and his hands still grasping hard at Roxas' hips. As Roxas fluidly pressed forward, again and again, he felt the subtle dip of Sora's fingers below the waistline of his jeans, the warm tips of his fingers and the light scratch of his fingernails electrifying Roxas' senses. He was getting close…
Their lips and tongues sliding together and tasting each other, Roxas panted and moaned into Sora's wet mouth, one of his hands slipping free of their erections to clumsily grab at one of Sora's wrists. He encouraged Sora's hand to slide under his shirt and up further along the planes of his back. He relished more of the contact between them and the soft, gentle touch of Sora's fingers. Without being prompted, Sora's other hand hesitantly joined the first, sliding around Roxas' hip and over his lower back. Roxas shivered deliciously; the rhythm between their bodies gradually increasing.
He could feel the pressure inside of him building – felt the slow burn in his veins just as he felt Sora's body quiver, his fingers still gently exploring Roxas' back pressing harder into his skin. Roxas released Sora's lips and pressed their foreheads together, Sora panting into his mouth as he quietly gasped and shuddered. Roxas watched in rapture as Sora arched into him, his erection jumping in Roxas' hand as he trembled out the waves of his release. Roxas groaned and pressed in closer still, Sora's look of unrestrained pleasure sending him tumbling over the edge. Long, firm strokes and he was gasping too, his hips losing their rhythm as they jerked forward repeatedly.
"S…Sora…!"
Roxas rested his weight against Sora as he came back down; the warm, thick fluid of their release caught between his fingers and the palms of his hands. He rested his chin on Sora's shoulder just catching his breath, his hips still faintly twitching. His mind started to clear and the fog of his pleasurable completion slowly lifted, the repercussions of his actions swift to set in. Sora's quiet gasps in his ear were almost deafening. His hands had left Roxas' body altogether, hanging limp at his sides as he stared blankly up at the ceiling.
Roxas was lost. A dry sob worked its way up his throat but he stifled it in time and choked out a strangled groan instead. Everything was messed up. How could he have done such a thing? He hadn't been thinking at all – just desperate to take whatever he could get, and he'd expected Sora to have fought against him harder, but it was still hardly an excuse – because he'd forced him to participate in something unspeakable…beautiful, kind Sora, who would never hurt anyone – the one person he had always loved too much.
Not moving from his position against Sora, Roxas blindly reached over to the wooden dresser to their right, clumsily fumbling at a nearby box of tissues. He pulled a clump of tissue paper into his soiled hands and scrubbed at his fingers and palms, before crudely cleaning up the mess between their hips. Sora shuddered in a long breath, his blue eyes filled with sorrow. He had barely moved, still staring up at the ceiling as Roxas cleaned them up and jerked their clothes hurriedly back into place.
"Roxas."
Starting slightly at Sora's voice, so clear and heavy with meaning, Roxas felt his chest tighten, his heart thudding like a dull stone behind his ribs. Fighting the grief and regret that was threatening to overwhelm him, Roxas shook his head violently – begging Sora to remain silent. He dropped the wad of soiled tissues and roughly pulled Sora into his arms, his face buried into the crook of Sora's neck.
"Why? Why did it have to be you?"
He crushed Sora to him and choked, hot tears pricking at the corners of his eyes.
"Why did I have to fall in love with you?"
Sora's arms lifted and shifted around him, returning his embrace just as hard. "I'm sorry, Roxas – I'm so sorry…!"
Sora heaved in a ragged breath, his voice breaking on the last word as they clung to each other; Roxas trembling as he struggled to keep his rampant emotions under control.
"I know it's selfish…but I need you in my life," Sora whispered into his ear. "I want us to be how we were."
"It can never be how it was!" Roxas yelled, pulling away sharply and harshly shoving Sora away from him.
Sora thumped back against the wall, his eyes wide and panicked. They stared at each other; Roxas getting lost in the intensity of Sora's eyes before he quickly looked away. He bit at the inside of his cheek.
"…I'll never tell anyone – please…" Sora breathed out tremulously, one of his hands holding his pants up around his hips.
Roxas just stood there – his shoulders slightly hunched and his hands balled into fists. He couldn't bring himself to meet Sora's insistent, pleading gaze. Even now…after everything he'd just done, Sora was still reaching out to him, still willing to forgive him for all the hurt and confusion he had caused.
He felt dead inside. He didn't deserve redemption.
"…We can't go back, Sora…"
Without another word, Roxas turned on his heel and slammed his way out of the bedroom, leaving Sora far behind him. He stumbled into the bathroom, still feeling slightly dazed – as if he was only just returning to reality. The extent of what he had done was hitting him hard now as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He was pale and sickly looking, the smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose standing out stark against the off-pallor of his skin. He ran shaking fingers through his messy hair, fixed his rumpled clothing and wiped at his swollen lips. The taste of Sora still lingered on his tongue.
He felt disgusted and ashamed, but even so, he asked himself – if he'd managed to control himself better – to not force himself on the one person he had secretly longed for, for all this time – had he not had a chance to touch all that smooth, tanned skin – to not swallow those moans and gasps – to not hear his name called in such a way – would he have felt better or worse right now?
A sly voice in the back of his mind whispered to him…wasn't it better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? He didn't know if he truly regretted what he had done, and that was the most disturbing thought of all.
-0-
The rest of the afternoon was all a blur to Roxas. He hurried down rickety steps and across rolling green lawns, feigned a terrible stomach-ache and dodged his mother's concerned questions and Kairi's narrowed eyes. There was a bout of rushed, painfully cheery goodbyes, and several agonising embraces as Roxas retrieved Xion from Kairi's clutches before all but jogging down the long dirt driveway to where their hire car patiently waited for them. It was twilight now, but still the Poinciana danced and swayed, their fluttering scarlet flowers almost luminescent in the fading light. Roxas could barely stand to look at them – the memories and echoes of his childhood hounded his footsteps relentlessly, like a pack of howling wolves.
He never wanted to return here.
In the car, Roxas kept his speed steady, his eyes locked on the road in front of them. Xion had not stopped looking at him since he'd returned from inside the house.
"Are you okay…?" She asked quietly, gently placing her hand on Roxas' thigh.
Roxas swallowed around the harsh lump in his throat. He couldn't look at her.
"Yeah…I'm okay. I just don't feel so hot. I think it might be something I ate."
It was a stupid lie and he knew it, considering Xion would know he hadn't had so much as a bite to eat since their breakfast together that morning. She chose not to comment on it anyway, easily sensing that something greatly upsetting had occurred. Roxas fervently hoped to God, Kairi hadn't mentioned anything to her.
Xion leaned over and pressed a small kiss to Roxas' cheek, the warmth of her hand burning through the fabric of his jeans and deep into his skin. He shifted uncomfortably.
"Hopefully, it'll pass soon. You'll feel better in the morning."
Roxas slowly turned his head to look at Xion, her beautiful smile so full of her love and sincerity.
He hated himself then – so much.
He tried to smile and felt it stalling on his face. He looked away and gave up trying to hide his distress from her. It was obvious she didn't believe him; he just hoped she wouldn't ask.
"…Yeah…" He feebly nodded, dismissing her and her concern as he focussed his attention back on the road.
He wanted to believe what Xion said - that he would feel better in the morning, but he just couldn't. Deep in his heart, he knew, that he could wake up to a thousand mornings after today and he still wouldn't feel any different. The pain he carried in his heart would never heal.