Title : Blue Ribbon I (You Can Never Go Home Again)

Disclaimer : I don't own Saiunkoku Monogatari. It belongs to Sai Yukino.

Rating : M for theme only

Genre : Angst

Warnings : Yaoi, mentions of

Pairing : Koyu/Shuei

Summary : Set two years after the end of Season 1 of the anime. After two months of searching for the missing Shuei, Koyu finds him in a brothel.

Notes : This was written in response to the LJ Saiun_Challenge prompt "You Can Never Go Home Again"

PLEASE REVIEW. EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A MEMBER, I APPRECIATE YOUR NOT-LOGGED-IN COMMENTS (MY RESPONSE WILL BE ON THE REVIEW PAGE IF I CAN'T SEND YOU A PM).

"Blue Ribbon? A thousand apologies, young master! Blue Ribbon is fully booked for tonight. If I could suggest . . . "

Koyu placed a small but heavy cloth-wrapped package into the oily brothel owner's hands. The deal was done. Koyu had the Blue Ribbon's services for the night.

The décor was loud and tasteless, a far cry from Koga House. Koyu kept his gaze fixed on the open doorway. A tall figure stepped in, bowed, and turned to shut the double-paneled door. His long dark hair was tied by a single deep indigo ribbon.

Shuei.

Koyu had deliberately sat in the shadows. He waved towards the chair in the middle of the room. Shuei took in the specially prepared chair, his placid expression unchanged. He dropped his robe. Even though the report had detailed every scar, Koyu had to bite down on his lower lip to stop himself from crying out.

Shuei strapped himself into the restraints. He waited. Naked. Eyes lowered. As he had done every night for the past two months.

Koyu picked up the discarded robe and covered Shuei's body with it. Surprised by this act of kindness, Shuei looked up. They looked at each other in silence.

"How did you find me?"

"That's not important. Stop punishing yourself, Shuei. It won't bring my sister and my mother back to life."

The placid face finally came alive. Barely. Shuei's lips curled mockingly.
"So says the one who defiles his body with nameless lovers trawled from the alleys every night, in an endless cycle of self-loathing."

Koyu flushed, but said nothing.

"At least my punishment makes sense. Your mother died a low-class prostitute, and that is what I'm aspiring towards. Yours, Koyu, has no relation to your crime."

"You bastard! How about you tell me what to do? How does a son atone for deserting his mother?"

Shuei's features softened.
"I'm sorry, Koyu."
He continued gently.
"Can't you forgive yourself, Koyu? You were only eight. Your mother tried to rape you. You ran away from home. You lost your memory. How could you have returned to save her from being evicted by your father?"

"That's NOT the point, Shuei. I ran away, fully aware of the consequences. After the miscarriage, my father had clearly stated that the Third Concubine will be housed and fed only for as long as her son needs her. I caused my mother to be thrown out onto the streets."
Koyu, emotionally exhausted, slumped forward, and held his head in his hands.

Shuei looked at the mop of layered green hair. He mumbled, half to himself.
"Chrysanthemum. Green chrysanthemum. That was what she called you. I thought you were a girl. An angry little girl that leapt onto my back while I was inside your mother, and tore the blue ribbon from my hair."

Shuei closed his eyes.
"What happened to that ribbon, Koyu?"

"My mother kept it."

"Even after what I did to her."

"You didn't know the consequences. And you left before the spasms started."

"I was sixteen. I should have known. Or thought to ask. Or at least had enough decency not to fuck a close-to-full-term pregnant woman!"

"My mother knew the risk, Shuei. It was her decision. It was not your fault."

"The hell it wasn't! I was a monster. She begged me to come back again after her delivery, but I told her I wouldn't have sex with her if she weren't pregnant!"
Shuei's voice broke.

Koyu wrapped his hands over Shuei's tightly clenched fists that were tied to the arms of the chair.
"Hush, Shuei. We both know you said that as you were afraid to father any children."
Koyu hesitated.
"Shuei, why don't you come back to Kyo? Come home with me."

Shuei laughed harshly. Koyu paled, but he didn't remove his hands from Shuei's fists.

"Go home with you? Have you forgotten what you did, and said? You grabbed my penis and almost yanked it off, all the while screaming that it was the murder weapon that killed your sister and mother. Are you saying that you will allow me to penetrate you with this murder weapon, now, or ever?"

Koyu studied Shuei's impossibly placid face, searching for the man he knew.
"Shuei, please, I'm sorry I said that. I was not rational. That bit of memory had just surfaced. I didn't mean it."

"Just like you didn't mean it when you dragged me to your hometown, to the spot where your mother died, and made me strip on the busy street, to display my murder weapon?"

Shuei's breath was coming fast. His face contorted. Koyu instinctively reached out a hand. Shuei twisted his face sharply away. Koyu hesitated, and let his hand drop to his side.

"Forgive me, Shuei. I turned my anger against myself onto you. I realized that right after you disappeared. I'm so sorry. Shuei, I'm not saying that we can ignore everything and resume being lovers. But can we start over? We are both on self-destructive paths. If we stick together, we might survive."

After a long while, Shuei spoke.
"I'm not interested in surviving. I just want to die the same way your mother did."

Shuei saw Koyu's face, and said quietly,
"You are not being realistic, Koyu."
He shrugged off the robe covering his body.
"This, Koyu, is what I am. Even after all that has happened, I still get aroused just being near you. Can't you see there is no way I can live with you and not have sex with you? You did well to make me strap myself down, otherwise I will be forcing myself on you."

"You know that's not true, Shuei."

"You don't know that that's not true, Koyu, admit it."

Shuei paused.
"Koyu, I forgive you for making me strip in your hometown. Please, Koyu, don't look for me again. Go home."

Home.
Watching Koyu leave, Shuei recalled whispering "I'm home" in Koyu's ear on their wedding day.
He bent over in his chair, chest constricted from the pain of unshed tears.
I can never go home again.

[The End]

Notes:

1) Koyu's sexual abuse by his mother was first briefly mentioned in chapter 6 of my fanfic Twin Irises. When Reishin met him running the lottery stall, Koyu had no memory of his past.

2) Shuei's fear of fathering children was talked about in my fanfic The General's Man.

3) The "wedding day" refers to the day when Shuei formally brought Koyu home to the Ran Manor, as described in chapter 7 of my fanfic Twin Irises.