A/N: Just a bit of summer-afternoon fluff, written a year or two ago. I suppose this could count as a bit of a crossover, as Discworld is not Earth, but then again, I suppose it could be on the parallel Earth of Nation...There are too many plot bits tied to specific events on Earth for me to change it. Sorry! Perhaps someday I shall rewrite it to fit the world atop four elephants atop A'Tuin...
I don't own any of this, except Felicia and Tulip. Pratchett, don't sue me.
A dribble of drool hit Felicia's nose, and she opened one lazily elegant eye, only to find herself face-to-face with the scourge of the neighborhood: Tulip, a scarred and dangerous German Shepherd. Quickly, the dark grey cat considered her situation. Should she take a swipe at his nose, hopefully startling him enough that she could flee without further incident? Or, perhaps, hold very still and hope that he would soon lose interest?
Tulip made the decision for her, powerful jaws snapping down. Felicia yowled, delicate limbs spasming, and all went dark...
Felicia awoke, feeling rather...transparent. Upon glancing down, she found that she was, indeed, transparent. "Tsarp." she said irritably. "What a waste of a life."
HELLO, FELICIA. A tall figure, garbed in a black robe, dismounted his pale horse and sat down, pushing back his hood. His permanent boney grin was in place as he rested a long scythe across his knees.
"Oh, hi, Binky." Felicia nodded to the horse. "Hello, Death. I'd say it's nice to see you again, but it isn't." Felicia said somewhat mournfully. "That life was going so nicely - a little old lady with a comfortable lap, plenty of fish, temperate climate..." She sighed. "And here I was hoping that I could get away with a few more years."
I'M SORRY. There was a genuine tinge of regret to the Grim Reaper's voice, and he reached out one skeletal hand to stroke Felicia's back. BUT I'M AFRAID YOU'VE ONLY ONE MORE LIFE.
Felicia scowled half-heartedly - Death was really quite nice, scratching that one place on the top of her head that she could never get herself - and replied. "Drat. I could've sworn I had at least four left."
LET'S SEE. Delving into a pocket, Death pulled out a small black laptop, and she gave him an incredulous look. WHAT? IT'S FAR MORE EFFICIENT THAN THAT OLD BOOK. His fingers clacked noisily against the keys, opening up My Computer and entering "Felicia" into the search box. YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW LONG IT TOOK TO ENTER THE DATA. Several files popped up, each labeled "Felicia". Death double-clicked on the first one and began to read.
FELICIA, CONCUBINE.
DATE OF DEATH: 1079 B.C.
LOCATION OF DEATH: EGYPT.
CAUSE: POISONED BY JEALOUS WIFE.
Death's embarrassment was tangible as he quickly closed the file. WRONG FELICIA. IT'S A COMMON NAME, YOU KNOW.
Felicia nodded sagely. "Of course."
AH. HERE IS YOURS.
Curious, Felicia dared to stand and peer under Death's arm at the screen.
FELICIA [LUCKY], CAT
FIRST RECORDED DEATH: 1907
LOCATION OF DEATH: ENGLAND
CAUSE OF DEATH: STEPPED ON BY DRAFT HORSE
Felicia blushed, well, more like ducked her head and twitched her ears, as cats can't blush. (Except for the white ones, whose fur is light enough to see through to the skin beneath. But Felicia isn't white. Therefore, she can't blush.) "Embarrassing, that one."
AYE. ALWAYS GETTING DRESSED UP BY THE KIDDIES THAT YOU LIVED WITH, IF I RECALL CORRECTLY.
"I – I don't remember." Hastily, Felicia reached out and pushed the page down key with one paw, scrolling to the next life.
SECOND RECORDED DEATH: 1923
LOCATION OF DEATH: GERMANY
CAUSE OF DEATH: ACCIDENTALLY SHOT DURING BEER HALL PUTSCH
GOOD BEER, THOSE GERMANS HAVE. Death said neutrally, but Felicia could sense his amusement.
"According to those that like the stuff." Felicia made a face. "I prefer a nice Mosel white to that soapy water."
A tap of the touchpad, and her third life popped up.
THIRD RECORDED DEATH: 1948
LOCATION OF DEATH: GREECE
CAUSE OF DEATH: OLD AGE
"Now that was peaceful - a nice little fishing village tucked away from the conflict, wonderful sunning places on all the old stone ruins, handsome toms -" Felicia cut herself off, exerting all her self-control to keep from blushing.
Death looked down at the grey cat. INDEED. and moved on to the next life.
FOURTH RECORDED DEATH: 1959
LOCATION OF DEATH: CHINA
CAUSE OF DEATH: [censored]
Death muttered something to himself about never letting Albert record deaths again, then said, louder, WHAT WAS THAT ONE, ANYWAYS?
"Well...if you ever go out to eat in China, don't ever order mau. That's all I'm saying." Felicia maintained, sticking her nose in the air while reaching out a covert paw to tap to the next life.
FIFTH RECORDED DEATH: 1974
LOCATION OF DEATH: PERU
CAUSE OF DEATH: EARTHQUAKE
"I tried to warn them, you know." the delicate cat said after a moment. "But the father wouldn't listen to Anya, even though she knew what I was saying." Her dark green eyes were sad for a moment, and Death let her remember without interruption as he did a little thinking of his own.
In the tens of thousands of years that he had had this job, Death had developed an affinity for cats of all sorts, from lions to tailess Manx to ocicats. Felicia was one of them. She wasn't anything extraordinary as cats went - no heroic rescues or extraordinary pedigrees or anything of the sort. She was simply a Cat, or perhaps more than a Cat. She was the embodiment everything Cat meant - sarcasm, sudden mood swings, playful violence, shedding all over the place, superiority, independence, curiosity, dead rodents on one's doorstep... FELICIA...YOU WOULDN'TVE HAPPENED TO MET SOMEONE NAMED MAURICE, WOULD YOU? Death asked suddenly.
Looking up, Felicia met his eyes (or at least would have, if Death had eyes. Which he doesn't. Therefore, she couldn't meet his eyes.) "No, why?"
JUST CURIOUS.
SIXTH RECORDED DEATH: 1981
LOCATION OF DEATH: LAS VEGAS
CAUSE OF DEATH: CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING
Felicia very pointedly didn't look at Death. "It was perfectly above-board. My humans were staying at the Hilton, I was with them, and some numb-skull managed to burn the place down. Being in the middle of the top floor, they festooned themselves with wet towels and made for the emergency exit. I was terrified," she admitted reluctantly, "and hid in the darkest, smallest place I could find, which was the little safe in the hotel room. Unfortunately, it locked behind me. Michael kept Sarah from going back for me - it tore her up, but they had to get out."
Cats can cry, but Felicia tried very hard not to, scrubbing at her face with one paw. Death reached down and scooped her into his lap. Admittedly, this wasn't much of an improvement over the grass, but she appreciated the thought.
MOVING ON…
SEVENTH RECORDED DEATH: 1997
LOCATION OF DEATH: ABERDEENSHIRE
CAUSE OF DEATH: HYPOTHERMIA, FROSTBITE
A general feeling of a raised eyebrow came from Death. Felicia responded to the unspoken question. "I was six weeks old, more fluff than sense, and bored with the laundry basket. Happy?"
Death nodded, and scrolled slowly down to the bottom of the file. His boney fingers clacked softly against the keys.
EIGHTH RECORDED DEATH: 2009
LOCATION OF DEATH: GREENVILLE
CAUSE OF DEATH: ATTACKED BY DOG
CTRL+S, and the entry was saved. Felicia hopped off of Death's lap and jumped up to Binky's back. "Where to?"
Death hesitated as he stood, scrutinizing the dove-grey cat's optimistic expression. FELICIA – LUCKY. he mused to himself.
"Yes, that's what my name means." the feline in question replied, somewhat impatiently. "Are we going, or are you going to stand here and recite the meanings of names all day?"
Chuckling, Death mounted his horse. YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING ELSE, FELICIA. He tapped his heels against Binky's flanks, and the horse began to move.
"Well? Are you going to answer my question?"
Death considered this. NOT YET.