DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach, or else Ichigo would be dead.
This is Post-Winter War… but no spoilers.
Byakuya walked through the park, eyes closed. Even though the measly park here in the Real World was no match for his magnificent gardens, he still felt more at ease among the flowers and trees.
A shadow crept behind him, hiding among the oaks and bushes. It sidled after Byakuya, getting closer and closer until--
"Urahara Kisuke. Please stop attempting to sneak up on me. I can assure you that your attempts are not--" Byakuya mentally winced as Kisuke threw his arms around the nobles' shoulder.
"Aw, Bya-kun! You caught me," he purred. Byakuya's frown deepened. Why, oh why could he not have a peaceful walk in the park? Yesterday, when he tried to peacefully write calligraphy, the pink-haired freak from the eleventh division had proceeded to bounce around his room, disrupting everything. The day before that, the Kurosaki brat had annoyed him constantly about who-knows-what, Byakuya hadn't been listening, merely trying to get away from him. And now this!
"Urahara Kisuke. I would appreciate it if you would remove your hands from my neck." Kisuke grinned, and obeyed him, but left one arm slung over his shoulder in a friendly manner as they walked on.
"So… how are you, Bya-kun?" Byakuya scowled at the mention of his pet name.
"Please refer to me as Kuchiki-taichou," he said, and tried to remove Kisuke's arm from his shoulder, which turned out to be a mistake. Kisuke immediately grasped Byakuya's hand, entangling it in his own. Byakuya tried to tug it free, but Kisuke had it firmly trapped.
"Urahara Kisuke. Please let go of my hand." Byakuya was all too aware of the odd stares he was getting from the humans; after all, he was in a gigai.
"I will if we go somewhere… private…" Kisuke smiled. "Neh, Bya-kun?" Without waiting for an answer, he shunpoed away, dragging Byakuya with him.
Byakuya quickly regained his sense of direction, and found Kisuke's face an inch away from his own. He tried to move his head back, but Kisuke's hand held it in place. Byakuya was disgusted that the Soul society outcast had trapped him so easily. He couldn't draw Senbonzakura and kill him… that would be wasting valuable soldiers, for even though Byakuya greatly disliked Kisuke, he knew that he was strong and powerful. So he couldn't get free without injuring the man.
"Please get away from my face," he said stiffly. Urahara grinned.
"How come Yoruichi-san gets to seduce you, but I don't?"
Byakuya froze. "Seduce me?" The situation was worse than he had imagined. He tried to regain his composure. "Yoruichi Shihoin does not 'seduce me'."
"Does that mean I can?" Without waiting for an answer, he pressed his lips to Byakuya's, throwing them both down on the grass, Byakuya on the top.
Byakuya was disgusted. Had Urahara always been this perverted? But if he didn't let him take it all out now, there was no knowing how long this man would bother him. So he decided to let Kisuke do what he wanted now, so he wouldn't stalk him later.
He tried not to gag when Kisuke tongue wound up in his mouth (how did it get there?), but when the older man's hand slipped inside the nobles' robe, Byakuya had enough. With a quick thrust of his foot, he sent Kisuke flying away from him, and shunpoed away.
Byakuya had made a mistake. A big one. He had thought Kisuke would leave him alone after that little episode, but it backfired on him; Kisuke took that as approval for further advances. Byakuya had pretended to be asleep when Kisuke crept into his room whispering him name, hoping like hell that he would go away. Luckily, he did, but he also stalked him everywhere he went.
So he decided to ask Renji. Byakuya knew he was desperate when he was asking his lieutenant for advice, but maybe Renji knew something…
"Urahara is WHAT?"
"Making romantic advances. Following me everywhere."
"Oh my god…" Renji burst into bursts of loud, obnoxious laughter, slapping his knees. "Sorry, taichou, it's just so--" he burst into laughter again. Byakuya frowned and waited for the redhead to calm down.
"So you're asking me what to do, right?" Byakuya nodded. Renji looked thoughtful. "Well, the best thing you could do is say that you are straight, and prove it to him by bringing a girlfriend."
"I do not possess a girlfriend."
"Well… just ask someone to pretend to be your girlfriend. Shouldn't be too hard, there isn't a girl in the world who wouldn't pass up an offer like that." Byakuya nodded, he knew about his level of physical attractiveness; the Shinigami Women's Association reminded him of it almost every day.
"All right." Byakuya knew only of one woman who would be a suitable fake girlfriend.
"So you see, Uno- Retsu and I have had a, a long lasting relationship and I would not like it to be ruined by your romantic advances." Kisuke stared at the two captains behind his fan.
Unohana nodded. It was an odd request from the stoic sixth division captain, but she respected the man, and besides, his situation seemed urgent. "Ku- Byakuya would greatly appreciate it if you would stop, for if you can see, he is taken."
Kisuke shriveled under the fourth division captain's stare, then his face suddenly split into a wide grin.
"That's OK!" Byakuya frowned, what was the man planning now? But even he was surprised by the blonde's next statement.
"We can do a threesome!"
FIN