"It's a beautiful night and we're looking for something dumb to do," Pearl began, her mouth twitching into a smile as she quoted the first line of Bruno Mars' song 'Marry You'. She received a look from Detective Gumshoe saying 'Not now Kiddo. Everyone's cranky right now. Try later when the adults don't feel like eating each other.' Pearl frowned but she reluctantly nodded.
They were all stranded in the middle of a deserted desert and they'd eaten all their camels and finished their entire water supply before they remembered they all had phones. Now they had to wait for help to arrive and that would take a while.
"Let's write one hundred facts about every person we know!" Maya suggested, clapping her hands together and nodding her head. "We could write all sorts of embarassing facts about each other and the person we write about has no say in what we write about them so we'll have the freedom of writing content."
After much persuasion from the influential sixteen-year-old (benchpress record: fifty billion kg (1) ), they decided to go along with the idea. It didn't seem that bad.
"If we're going to write about everyone, then I think we should write in alphabetical order. If we don't, some people might escape the embarassment," Gumshoe voiced out.
Everyone stared at him. That was the single most intelligent thing Gumshoe ever said. They didn't say it out loud, though, not even Franziska. They had all been super nice to him ever since it had been proven that the monkey from the Berry Big Circus had a higher IQ than him.
They began with April May.
(1) Her first name and last name are both the names of months.
(2) The months in her names are consecutive.
(3) Her first name is spelt A-P-R-I-L.
(4) She doesn't believe in Santa anymore.
"You mean Santa's not real?" tears brimmed in Pearl and Trucy's eyes.
Everyone received a painful whip from Franziska.
(5) She likes the colour pink.
(6) She says the word 'like' excessively.
(7) She is pure evil.
(8) She winks excessively.
(9) When she's angry, her button rotates 180 degrees.
(10) She does that without anyone knowing how she does that.
(11) She's a girl.
(12) It has been proven that she's a girl.
(13) Some people thought that she might have been a boy before it had been proven.
The stared at Gumshoe.
"What? It's true.." he replied, lowering his head slightly out of shame.
(14) She lies a lot.
"Pearls, the lesson we've learnt from her case is that lying is a bad thing and it can send you to prison. Unless you want to share a room with a bad guy, do not lie," Phoenix said. Playing a motherly-role in Pearl's life was a tough thing to do.
"But you lie all the time that you don't like Mystic Maya that way, even though you do!" Pearl replied.
Phoenix had no answer to that. He didn't want to ruin her dreams even more after she found out that Santa didn't exist.
(15) She wiretaps people.
(16) She knows where to get a wiretap.
(17) She worked in Bluecorp.
(18) She holds grudges easily.
(19) She looks really ugly when she's angry.
(20) Ugly enough to make people think that she's a dude even though most dudes look better than her. Take Shrek for example.
They still stared at Gumshoe at this one. He pouted and curled into a ball in a corner of their sand-igloo.
(21) She can work for a guy who becomes shiny when he's angry and not turn blind.
(22) That's a gift. I think.
(23) She got sent to prison.
(24) She fails in life.
(25) When she winks, her tongue sticks out.
(26) That might be a serious disease.
(27) Said serious disease might cause death.
(28) She might die pretty soon.
(29) A sixteen-year-old assasin is out to kill her for blaming her cousin of murder.
They snuck glances at Pearl as she smiled innocently and discussed Phoenix and Maya's future wedding plans with Trucy.
(30) She likes hearts.
(31) She balls her fists together to make them look like paws and pretends to be animals.
(32) She probably has an animal obsession.
"When you say 'probably', it means you're not sure about it, so it's an opinion," Edgeworth pointed out.
(32) She probably has an animal obsession.
(32) She has an unhealthy animal obsession that would lead her to her doom. Mwhahahahaahhahahahahah.
They gang stared at Pearl after she re-wrote the thirty second fact. They slowly scooted away from her.
(33) She flirts excessively.
(34) Because I don't know who she is, she's not important, therefore no one would know if she was suddenly murdered.
Their stares turned to Trucy. Pearl is becoming a violent influence on her.
(35) She will be the first person Pearl would sacrifice to aliens if they ever do try to dominate the world.
(36) She is the reason behind Pearl's murderous actions and thoughts.
(37) She shares the same initials as Anti-Meridian (A.M., you know, like six A.M in the morning.. the time we have to wake up to go to school -.-)
(38) No one cares about the above fact about April May, ergo no one cares about her.
Edgeworth made his point.
(39) Her left eye twitches when she's angry.
(40) It could be because of a growth deficit.
(41) She's scared of her boss.
(42) She's old now.
(43) Being a girl, she would hate being called old right now.
(44) She has two eyes.
(45) She has one nose.
(46) She has one mouth.
(47) She has two ears.
Everyone's eyebrow's were raised. "What? I ran out of ideas.." Phoenix sulked.
(48) She sounds stupid.
(49) She can speak.
(50) Because she can speak, she's not mute.
(51) She's not deaf either so it's going to be hard sneaking up on her to give her a death blow.
They scooted further away from Pearl.
(52) She hates Daddy, and because she hates him, I hate her too.
Everyone awed at how cute Trucy sounded...until she wrote the next fact.
(53) She won't be killed by a sixteen-year-old assasin. She's going to be killed by two sixteen-year-old assasins.
(54) Before she dies, she would be tortured to watch things appear and disappear out of and into one of the assasin's Magic Panties.
(55) The other asssasin would channel a sumo wretler's spirit and challenge her to a sumo fight while she sees things appear and disappear out of and into Magic Panties.
(56) She's not dead.
(57) YET.
They scooted even further from Pearl and now, they have just begun scooting away from Trucy.
(58) She's crazy enough to dye her hair pink.
(59) She didn't dye her hair red.
(60) She didn't dye her hair orange.
(61) She didn't dye her hair yellow.
(62) She didn't dye her hair green.
(63) She didn't dye her hair blue.
(64) She didn't dye her hair indigo.
(65) She didn't dye her hair violet.
(66) She seems dumb enough not to know her own gender.
"Erm, I think among every person she's ever met, you're the only one who got her gender wrong." Gumshoe sulked and went back into his corner.
(67) Her button stays upside down the whole time she's angry.
(68) She's not very cooperative.
(69) She works as a secretary to Redd White.
(70) That's her age. 70.
"No it's not. I think we were about the same age..." Larry trailed off. He remembered looking at her profile a couple years back.
"But people who are going to die soon age faster." There was an evil glint in Pearl and Trucy's eyes.
Everyone else shuddered.
(71) She secretly has facial hair.
(72) Because she has facial hair, she shaves.
(73) She shaves everyday.
"How do you know this?" Maya asked Pearl, her eyes widening a little, "You put my 'How to Properly Stalk People' book to good use! You're the best cousin ever!"
(74) People who don't care about her has already prepared a gravestone for her.
(75) A pink gravestone.
(76) Made from cow dung.
(77) She's mean.
(78) She's not blind.
(79) YET.
The adults finally gave up on Pearl. She's not going to stop picturing April May's death. Besides, she was too sweet to kill anyone. So they think.
(80) She has killed ants before.
(81) She has killed mosquitos before.
(82) Soon, an army of ants seeking vengeance will attack her.
(83) After the army of ants attack, she would suffer from blood loss from too many mosquitos sucking her blood.
(84) She drinks water without actually checking if there is poison in her water or not.
(85) She eats her food without checking if there are poisons in her food.
(86) She's an easy murder target.
(87) She doesn't wear glasses.
(88) There are at least two people on this planet who want her dead.
(89) If she were a boy, she would look like a sissy.
(90) I'M TALLER THAN HER.
Gumshoe grinned from ear to ear at his sudden realisation.
(91) If she became a lion tamer and the lion ate her, it is proof that animals hate her.
(92) She's not married yet.
(93) Only her skirt isn't pink.
(94) She never changes her clothes.
(95) So she doesn't take baths while she's in prison.
(96) She fails in hygene.
(97) Her eyes aren't pink.
(98) But they will be covered in blood.
(99) SOON.
(100) Her tongue is pink.
They were finally finished. It was a tiring activity but it was still rather fun. That night, before they went to sleep, they hid every sharp object or anything hard enough to kill away from Pearl and Trucy.
Their next victim? Alita Tiala.
A/R: Honestly, this is the longest chapter I've ever made, but it was still fun~~ I'm so sorry to those of you out there who are still waiting for updates on my other unfinished fics, but then my dad kept scolding me about multitasking and such and that I'd do a better job if I focus on one thing at a time that I decided to try it out. I will update other fics once this fic ends. On another note, the sequence of names are based on the little characters' box on the Ace Attorney fanfictions page.
(1) Benchpress is, well, the heaviest amount of weights a person can lift. So for Pearl to be able to lift weights that heavy... Yeah. Anyways, we all know I just pulled that number out of thin air, right?
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