Hurry Up and Die, Harry Potter!

Helpful tips for the potential angsty, depressing suicide fic writer in all of us!

Tip 1: Whatever you do, DON'T kill off everyone he loves, then make him the tragic hero whose loved ones all die so he kills himself, feeling like he's a curse on everyone and causing him to alienate himself.
Why? Because that is the dumbest cliché every suicide writer ever has written.
Instead, DO make him the tragic hero who kills himself for this reason or that one. Because everyone loves that noble self-sacrificing crap (did you SEE The Dark Knight?!?) =).

Tip 2: DON'T let him cut himself to death.
Why? Does that sentence above look angsty, or comical? The second one, definitely.
Instead, DO have him die in a very creative way, like throwing himself onto the sword of Gryffindor, or in a usual way using different terms, like taking one last flight -- without a broom (a.k.a. jumping off of something).

Tip 3: DON'T just decide he's depressed by all of his responsibilities.
Why? Never underestimate the power of hate sex -- and Harry's a celebrity, he can get anyone he wants.
Instead, DO pitch the suicide fic and write that hate sex -- that's just as angsty and depressing sometimes.

Tip 4: DON'T even think that Harry is gay for Voldemort. Even Lord V as Tom.
Why? That's just creepy and disgusting.
Instead, DO run screaming in the opposite direction.

Tip 5: DON'T write a suicide fic in which Harry is married to Ginny.
Why? Because she spreads happy rainbows and sunshine to all corners of Harry's heart. And don't kill her off, either, because there's no credible way to do it that's not clichéd.
Instead, DO write one in which it just never worked out for them after all.

Tip 6: DON'T kill off every character in a mass suicide.
Why? Then you don't have anyone left to care. Or to torture/mess with.
Instead, DO stick to one or two, maybe three.

Tip 7: DON'T spend too much time on him bemoaning his feelings, his fate, etc.
Why? It's boring, it's whiny, and it's just too much angsty teenage girl to be an angsty teenaged boy who lived.
Instead, DO write enough that we can commiserate with, then get to the gore already.

Tip 8: DON'T make Harry mess with the giant squid.
Why? GIANT. SQUID. TENTACLES. SQUISH SQUISH. Then he's dead without even committing the suicide.
Instead, DO write about odd things pertaining to kappas.

Tip 9: DON'T forget about the wonderful Unforgivable curses.
Why? This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.
Instead, DO write them in: Imperio, Crucio, and Avada Kedavra (why is this one so much longer than the other two?).

Tip 10: DON'T ever ever EVER write a suicide fic in which Harry dies after he gains (or already has) a sexy boyfriend named Draco.
Why? Hmm...I wonder...maybe SEXY BOYFRIEND DRACO HOTNESS?!?!?! Who would want to leave that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Instead, DO write the sexy boyfriend Draco hotness. Do I smell citrus fruit?

Thanks for reading as you embark on your journey to kill off Harry Potter. I'll see you next time on Hurry Up and Die!!!!

Please review...it's not supposed to be this cold in Florida, and I have to write more stories and get more reviews before my fingers freeze of or my secretly evil little sister will make me sleep in the backyard with the gators.