I do not own Fairly Odd Parents or Advil.
An Anti-Fairly Odd Day
Anti-Cosmo glowered at the Anti-Fairy before him. She shrunk back against the stone wall of the castle, nervously darting her pink eyes around the empty dining room. "I's really sorry! I didn't mean it!"
Anti-Cosmo tightened his grip on his blue wand. "Do you have any idea how long I've been working on that plan? And just when we were about to triumph, you go and reveal our location!"
Anti-Wanda bit her lip. "It was an accident!"
"It was the tenth accident this week. How am I supposed to take over the world with you by my side?" Anti-Cosmo asked with a scowl, baring his sharp fangs.
Anti-Wanda stared at him, trying to get his remark through her head. "Wha? I'm always by your side."
Anti-Cosmo slapped his forehead in frustration. "That's the problem, you twit! Your idiocy has foiled my plans for far too long. From now on, I'm going at it alone!" He glared once more at his idiotic wife before he anti-poofed out of the room.
Anti-Wanda stood still for a few minutes, her bottom lip quivering and large tears spilling over her eyelids. With a wail, she too poofed out of the room, straight out of the castle and all the way to Dimmsdale.
...
Timmy stomped his foot angrily. "What do you mean you have to leave me for the day?"
Wanda looked at her godchild apologetically. "Sorry, Sport. But we got a fairy conference to attend for all fairies with godchildren, and Poof is going to stay the day with Mama Cosma."
Timmy scowled. "But it's the weekend! A whole two days without Crocker! And Chester and AJ are gone!"
"Gone where?" Wanda asked, poofing up a diaper bag and stuffing in extra diapers.
Timmy waved a hand dismissively. "How should I know? I didn't bother to ask. Didn't really care, actually."
"Ah, cheer up Timmy," Cosmo said cheerfully, cradling Poof. "It's only twenty-four hours."
"Only twenty-four hours!" Timmy cried in shock.
Wanda glared at her husband as Timmy dropped to the floor in a dead faint. "Nice one, Cosmo."
"Thanks, sweetie!"
...
Timmy groaned softly, sat up and rubbed his head. "What happened?"
Spotting a note taped to his chest, he plucked it off and read it slowly. "Dear Timmy, Cosmo, Poof and I have left for the conference. We will see you tomorrow. Be good, and don't do anything stupid. Love you!"
Scowling, Timmy crumpled up the paper and tossed it into his wastebasket. "Great. Now I have a whole day to waste, and I have to do it without magic. Where does one go to waste time?" Timmy mused for a moment. "I can't go to the arcade...I'm broke. No way I'm going to the mall...Francis is there." He brightened as an idea hit him and he leapt to his feet. "The park!" he cheered.
Racing down the stairs, he charged out the front door and into the bright sunlight. "I can survive one day without fairies," he said confidently, skipping down the steps and onto his grassy front lawn. A large shadow fell over him, and Timmy leaned backwards to see who it was.
"Hello, Turner," the grey bully grinned wickedly.
Timmy gulped. "What are you doing here? You're normally at the mall, stealing money and punching people."
Francis cracked his knuckles. "I needed a change in scenery. But I think I can squeeze in a beating."
He grabbed Timmy by the front of his pink shirt and twirled him around in the air. With a shriek of terror, the buck-toothed boy was sent flying through the sky. Francis laughed cruelly, and soon the sound was a whisper in the wind.
"Well, at least I'm heading towards the park," Timmy commented before resuming with his screaming.
...
"Oof. Ow...ouch." Timmy winced as he climbed out of a bush he had (luckily) landed in. Pulling the twigs out of his hair and spitting out a mouthful of dirt, Timmy glanced around the sunny park. Kids were all the over the place, playing soccer or swinging on the swings. "Now I just have to find someone that doesn't hate me."
A young boy was skipping along the pathway, whistling merrily. His foot landed on a crack in the pavement, and all of a sudden a beehive dropped out of nowhere and landed on his head. Timmy ignored the screams of pain and stared at the blue flash of light that had come from clump of shrubs a few meters away.
"An Anti-Fairy? Again?" Timmy scowled in annoyance and stormed across the pathway. "I just kicked their blue butts back to Anti-Fairy World! They could at least give me the standard rest week before I foil them again."
Shoving the leaves aside, his angry rant paused in his throat when he saw Anti-Wanda rocking in the middle of the bushes, sobbing hysterically and tears running down her blue face. Timmy quickly stumbled backwards. "Girl crying, girl crying! Back away slowly..."
Another wail tore through the air, and people started to look over curiously. Timmy stood still, staring at the bushes and having an inward battle. Leaving Anti-Wanda alone would allow him to keep his sanity. But walking away and leaving her be was probably not the smartest thing to do either. She was dumber than Cosmo, and that was saying something. But his sanity levels were dropping steadily every day...he wasn't sure how much more he could take before he finally cracked.
She's not really a threat. And besides, where are your manners? his conscience scolded him.
Timmy sighed and carefully went back into the thicket. He supposed it couldn't hurt. And he was curious as to why she was on Earth without Anti-Cosmo.
"Um...hi?"
Anti-Wanda glanced up, startled. She sniffled. "Oh. It's jus you." Then she went into a new round of sobs.
Timmy sat down in the soft dirt and hesitantly patted her on the shoulder. "There there? You, uh, wanna tell me what's wrong?"
Anti-Wanda propped her head in her hands. "I's upset."
Timmy resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "How come?"
"Anti-Cosmo said he don't wants me around anymores!" Tears started to trail down her cheeks again.
"So? Wanda tells Cosmo that at least once a week. But she never means it."
"He don't loves me!" Anti-Wanda bawled.
Timmy sighed and began to regret being the good guy. The day was going to end in a massive headache. "I'm sure he does. And it's 'doesn't'."
Dang it. I'm starting to sound like Wanda.
Anti-Wanda blinked. "Doesn't what?"
Timmy waved his hand in the air dismissively. "Never mind." An idea rang in his mind, for which he was quite proud of, since it was an idea that didn't seem like it would end in destruction or doom. He would probably regret this later, but now he was bored as heck and leaving Anti-Wanda alone was not a good idea.
"Hey, I've got an idea. Do you wanna help me get revenge on someone?"
Anti-Wanda frowned. "But we's supposed ta be enemies!"
"Well. We are still enemies. But we could be enemies together." Timmy scratched his head. That didn't really make sense. But whatever. "And you can cause some bad luck."
"Ok!" Anti-Wanda said happily. She was about to dart through the leaves when Timmy grabbed her by the leg and pulled her back.
"You can't just fly out like that! Jorgen took away your ability to be invisible on Earth, remember?"
"Oh yea."
Timmy held out his wrist. "You can be my wristwatch until we find the person I want to get revenge on."
Anti-Wanda twirled her wand. "Okee-Dokee Beaver Boy!"
Timmy yelped as he crashed to the ground. Anti-Wanda had transformed into a wall clock and fastened herself to Timmy's small wrist. Grunting, Timmy struggled to stand. "Ok. How about...a dog. You know what a dog is, right?"
"One o' dem hairy things with four feets."
"Um. Yeah."
Another blue flash later and Timmy rubbed his sore wrist and stared at the blue dog by his feet. "All right then. Let's go find Francis." An evil grin crossed his face. "This is gonna be fun."
...
Anti-Cosmo tapped his wand against his oak desk, a slight frown on his face. There hadn't been a single crash or explosion all day. Guilt started to worm its way through his stomach, and it was very rare that Anti-Cosmo, ruler of the Anti-Fairies and evil genius, felt guilty for anything.
"I suppose I ought to go and see what kind of trouble that woman has gotten into." Anti-Cosmo waved his wand and found himself in the large drawing room of the castle. Dozens of crudely drawn doodles decorated the walls as Anti-Wanda had thought the drawing room literally meant the 'drawing' room.
"Odd." Anti-Cosmo frowned as he scanned the empty room with his green eyes. "Perhaps she is in our room."
A flash of blue smoke later and Anti-Cosmo found himself alone in their room. "The kitchen?"
Anti-Cosmo went from room to room, growing increasingly panicked (although he would never show it) when he finally realized that his beloved Anti-Wanda was no longer in the castle.
You yelled her right out of your home, a voice chided him.
Anti-Cosmo was caught off guard momentarily. He had never had a conscience before, and it took him a moment to realize he had now acquired one.
"I did not! I yell at her all the time, why should this occasion be any different?" he snapped irritably before quickly falling silent.
Oh, lovely. He was now talking to himself.
Maybe that's the problem, his conscience spoke.
"Fine, fine. I'll never yell at her again once I get my hands on her," Anti-Cosmo snapped. "She knows she's not supposed to leave the castle without me. Goodness only knows what kind of trouble she can get into out in Anti-Fairly World."
"Excuse me, Anti-Cosmo?"
Anti-Cosmo jumped about a foot before quickly regaining his cool composure. "What?" he hissed. "And how did you get into my castle?"
The small Anti-Jorgen looked nervously up at the intimidating blue Anti-Fairy. "T-The drawbridge was down. And, well, see, the thing is, someone saw Anti-Wanda going to Earth and-"
"Earth?" Anti-Cosmo shouted, so loudly that he rocked the foundation of the castle. "What in blazes compelled her to go to Earth?"
Anti-Jorgen stumbled back a few steps from the force of the shout. "I-I don't know," he stammered. "It's just that we're already on thin ice, so to speak, with Jorgen as it is, and I don't think having Anti-Wanda on Earth is a good-"
Anti-Cosmo waved a hand dismissively. "Never mind that! I must go and collect my wife. Where on Earth did she go?"
"D-Dimmsdale."
He green eyes flashed red for the briefest moment. "When I find her, I'm going to strangle that little neck of hers! But only after I make sure she's alright."
With a wave of his wand, Anti-Cosmo booted Anti-Jorgen out of the castle. Another poof later and he was gone.
...
Timmy grinned broadly as he watched Francis get pecked by a flock of crows as a black cat purred and rubbed against his leg. "This is awesome! All right, time for some anvils!"
Anti-Wanda took a bite of a sandwich she had poofed up and waved her blue wand. "Okee dokee!"
Timmy frowned when a small white bottle dropped by the bully's feet. "What's that?"
"An Advil! Youse asked for ones, 'member? Duh."
Timmy face-palmed. "No! Anvil. The heavy thing that drops out of the sky in cartoons!"
"What din't ya say so in the firs' place?" Anti-Wanda waved her wand again, and Timmy grinned eagerly as the heavy weight crashed right on top of Francis.
"Dude, that was awesome!" Timmy cheered. The crows flew away and the cat slunk off, leaving a moaning bully underneath the anvil. "Well, I wonder who else we can visit..." A smile crept across his face. "How about...Crocker?"
"Who's Crockpot?" Anti-Wanda asked.
"Our next target. C'mon, Anti-Wanda. We're going to Crocker's house."
Anti-Poof!
Timmy stared at the run-down house with a smirk. "This should be interesting."
Anti-Wanda floated up to the window and peered in. "No one's home, Beaver Boy."
"Stop calling me that," Timmy snapped. "The name's Tommy-Timmy. My name is Timmy!"
Anti-Wanda was about to respond but gave a yelp of fright as a net came flying down from a secret hatch beside the window sill and entangled her. Timmy rushed forward, blue eyes wide with panic as he struggled to undo the strings that made up the butterfly net.
"I did it!"
The maniacal voice caused Timmy to dive in the bushes beside the house and watch as Crocker literally crashed through the door. He grinned widely and jumped up and down in excitement.
"I caught a fairy! I caught a fairy! I caught a fairy! I knew my magic detector that was put over the windows would come in handy some day! FAIRY GODPARENTS!" He spazzed out and dropped to the ground. Anti-Wanda stared down at him.
"I ain't no fairy, crazy man. Imma Anti-Fairy! Don't youse knows nothing?"
Crocker frowned thoughtfully. "Well, yes. You are blue and have the wings of a bat. But no matter. You are still a FAIRY!" He quickly hopped back up again and brushed himself off. "Now I will harness your magic so it can transport me to FAIRY WORLD!"
Timmy groaned. "Oh no..."
Crocker dragged the butterfly net inside. Timmy ran a hand through his brown hair and thought frantically. "If Crocker uses Anti-Wanda's magic, then it'll take him to Anti-Fairy World! And I can bet that they will be a lot more cooperative to help Crocker become universal ruler than the fairies would be...unless..."
Timmy bit his lip and glanced at Crocker's house. "I can't go in there myself...Crocker will then know for sure I have fairies, even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any doubts. And Jorgen will be on my butt for fraternizing with an Anti-Fairy...but I can't just leave her in there. I know what it's like to be at the hands of Crocker." Timmy scowled and smacked himself in the head. "This is the last time I listen to my conscience!"
Timmy hesitantly pushed the bushes aside and crept nervously along the side of the house. He moved carefully, crawling on his stomach under the windows until he entered Crocker's backyard. The grass was brown and dying, and it seemed to crinkle with every step he took. Timmy hid behind the wooden fence and stared at the black security cameras that were hooked up by the backdoor. "Ah, man. How am I supposed to take out those things? What a day for Cosmo and Wanda to leave."
A startled scream came from inside the house and Timmy paled. "Anti-Cosmo is going to kill me if he ever finds this out."
"For once in your life, Turner, you are correct."
Timmy grew cold as he gave a strangled squeak and slowly turned. Anti-Cosmo was hovering in behind him, his normally green eyes a bright red as he snarled down at the ten-year-old.
"Now, Timothy. What have you done to my Anti-Wanda?"
Timmy twisted his hands together. "Um, well, see, the thing is-"
"Spit it out, child!"
Timmy flinched and hurried on. "Okay, so I found Anti-Wanda hiding in the bushes in the park crying and my stupid conscience told me to ask her what was wrong and I didn't want to leave her alone because I knew she would cause trouble and-"
"Slow down, and for the love of Britain use proper grammar."
"I asked her if she wanted to stay with me until she was ready to go home, and she said yes. So we tormented the town bully and came here to harass my teacher. But Crocker had magical sensors surrounding the front of his house, and Anti-Wanda...got captured," Timmy finished, hesitantly glancing at the evil Anti-Fairy.
Anti-Cosmo wanted to tear the boy's head off of his shoulders. But although it would be oh-so-satisfying, now was the time to rescue his wife. "I shall deal with you later. Now we rescue Anti-Wanda."
Timmy frowned. "You're the one who yelled at her and made her run off!" He quickly cut himself off as Anti-Cosmo glowered at him, wand held up threateningly. "My fault. All my fault. Not the time for arguing, time for rescuing." Timmy paused. "Hey, how'd you get past the magical sensors?"
Anti-Cosmo rolled his eyes. "Crocker is only a teacher. Therefore his technological possessions have many flaws, since he can't afford the better versions. These sensors only know if magic is around if you use it, which I believe you did."
Timmy blinked in disbelief. "Where the heck do you find a magical sensor?"
"Internet," Anti-Cosmo replied simply, smirking slightly at the irritated look on the youth's face.
"Okay," Timmy replied, slightly uneasy. "How'd you find us, anyway?"
"I heard Dimmsdale and had a hunch you would have something to do with it. You always do."
"True enough," Timmy remarked. "Wait, you don't happen to have a Timmy Tracker, do you?
"Of course. It was the one way I could find you without wishing you up and leaving Anti-Wanda alone. You can't just summon an Anti-Fairy without it being wished for. Now come on. You are going to distract this Crocker fellow while I free Anti-Wanda," Anti-Cosmo ordered.
"But wouldn't it make more sense if you distracted Crocker, since you're a type of fairy and all-"Timmy quickly took a step back from the advancing Anti-Fairy and ran out through the gate. "Got it. I'm the bait."
Anti-Cosmo sighed in annoyance and looked at the house with concern. If that brute put on finger on her, he would-
"Turner!"
Timmy gave a yelp of fright, and Anti-Cosmo listened intently. Footsteps running, a multitude of inappropriate words and then complete silence followed. Anti-Cosmo kicked the backdoor down and floated inside the damp and musty house. He went down the hallway and spotted a room that was covered with blueprints and crudely drawn fairies. A bust of Crocker sat on the mould-covered desk. Anti-Cosmo lifted the top part of the head up and pushed the red button. A hatch opened up in the floor. "So predictable."
Anti-Wanda pulled at the butterfly net and frowned. "If I din't eats ma sammich, I could have eats ma way free."
"That won't be necessary my dear."
Anti-Wanda glanced up in surprise as Anti-Cosmo floated out of the shadows and lifted the butterfly net off of her. "Anti-Cozzie? Whatcha doing here?"
Anti-Cosmo frowned and crossed his arms. "I should be asking you that question. Why are you on Earth by yourself? You know you're not allowed out of the castle without me with you."
"I's a grown fairy! I don't needs a babysitter."
Anti-Cosmo arched an eyebrow. "I'm afraid I think otherwise." He regarded her downcast expression and sighed. "Alright. I suppose you could start by going out in Anti-Fairy World by yourself, and then we'll work our way up."
She brightened for only a moment. Then she became sullen again. "I'm 'posed to be mad at you."
Anti-Cosmo floated closer. "About this morning, I-I'm sorry I yelled at you."
Anti-Wanda was caught off guard. Anti-Cosmo never apologized to anyone! "R-really?"
"Yes. But don't go telling people I said so. I have a reputation to uphold, you know."
"Does that mean ya still want me around?"
His lips twitched. "Yes, that would be correct."
Anti-Wanda happily wrapped her arms around her husband's waist and buried her face in his chest. "I loves you. You loves me too, right?"
Anti-Cosmo rolled his eyes, but a smile crept across his face. "Yes, you twit. Now let's get out of here before that idiot comes back."
He took her hand and led her out the door. The sun was slowly setting, and Anti-Cosmo could not help but snort when he saw what distraction Turner had come up with.
The white van had been completely trashed. Timmy had smashed in the windows, punctured the tires with what Anti-Cosmo predicted was his own teeth, and there was a long scratch along the side of the vehicle. The engine was smoking and sparking, and Anti-Cosmo could see two tiny figures running in the distance.
"D'ya think we should help him?" Anti-Wanda asked.
Anti-Cosmo smirked. "I think Timothy can hold out until his godparents find him." He squeezed her hand and smiled slightly. "Now it's time to go home."
Romantic Anti-Poof!
...
Timmy stumbled through his bedroom door, panting. His clothes were torn, and he was covered with bruises. Crocker had chased him all the way to the junkyard, which of course had junkyard dogs. "I hope I got my rabies shot."
"We're back!" Cosmo sang as he poofed into the room, with Wanda and Poof right behind him. "We got out early! Hi Timmy, did you miss us?"
Wanda gasped at the exhausted and bedraggled Timmy. "What happened, Sport?"
"Crocker...Anti-Wanda...Anti-Cosmo...dogs...teeth...sharp teeth...pain...so much pain..."
He collapsed, and Wanda twirled her wand and Timmy floated into bed, snoring softly. "I don't think I want to know what he did today," she sighed. "Next time, we're taking Poof and Timmy to Mama Cosma's."