Not Myself

One-shot

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of its characters or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only.
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Castiel pre-slash
Word count: 1,200
Rating: PG
Summary: Sam had lied to Dean. Or maybe Castiel had.
Prompt: Don't make me be myself around you.

Sam had lied to Dean. Or maybe Castiel had. He's not sure which one of them it was, but he is sure that it happened.

The first time Sam met Cas was in college. It had been sophomore year and his classes had been hard and Sam had felt all alone. No one really knew him, they didn't know that he'd never had a home in his life, that he had a brother he missed more than anything, that he knew three different forms of martial arts and could speak Latin. They only worried about midterms and finals and not about the demon that might be waiting around the corner, or the vampire lurking in the shadows.

It had all been too much for him and somewhere towards the end of November, where everyone had been bursting with plans about Thanksgiving, Sam had sat down on a bench, under a tree, and had become part of the scenery.

He couldn't move, he didn't want to. He wanted to see Dean, the one thing in his life that had always been the same until Sam had thrown it away one night in the middle of a nameless street. Nothing mattered anymore, not his classes, not Stanford, not the broken salt line in his apartment. He was tired.

And he suddenly wasn't alone.

"Hello, Sam," a deep, gravely voice said.

Sam didn't jump, hadn't jumped in surprise since he was eleven. He calmly turned his head to the side and murmured, "Christo."

The man didn't flinch or laugh or look confused. "I am an angel of the Lord," he explained, as though that wasn't equally as terrifying as a demon. "My name is Castiel."

"I'm, uh, Sam… Sam Winchester," Sam answered. He wasn't sure what it was about Castiel, but Sam believed him. It wouldn't take long for him to find out if that was wise or not.

"I know."

Sam nodded and leaned back on the wooden bench. "Nice day, huh?"

Castiel leaned back next to him. "The scenery is quite pleasant."

"So, I, uh… is there something I can help you with?"

"I heard you," Castiel said. "I hear you when you pray."

"Am I… praying too loud?"

"No," Castiel answered.

"'Cause if I am, I'm sorry," Sam continued. "I just, I mean, it's comforting and I wasn't sure anyone was really listening anyway, other than God."

Castiel turned to look at him and the heat of his gaze burned through Sam's skin. "There are many who hear you, Sam."

"Oh." Sam wasn't sure what to do with that piece of information.

"You seem sad as of late," Castiel said. "It is… painful to hear."

"I can pray less."

"That is unnecessary."

"Or not at all," Sam offered. He ran a hand through his shaggy hair and thought about getting a haircut. Then thought about how he was thinking of getting a haircut while talking to an angel of the Lord.

"I… wanted you to know that someone is listening and there are many of us who care, Sam."

"Oh." Sam waited a beat. "Do you know how Dean is?"

"Your brother is well."

"That's something, I guess," Sam mumbled.

"You are hurting," Castiel stated blankly.

"It's all just… different than I thought it would be," Sam said politely.

"I will not judge you, Sam," Castiel said. "I already know everything about you."

"And you're still here," Sam murmured. "I'm pretty boring, Cas." The nickname just rolled off his tongue and Sam didn't try to correct himself.

"I do not find you boring."

"What are you doing here, Castiel?"

"You asked for someone."

Sam furrowed his brow. "I did?"

"Yes. Someone who will listen to you and who will talk with you. Someone to get ice cream with."

Sam flushed red. "I, uh, kind of meant like a girlfriend."

Castiel paused. "I will be your man… friend, instead."

Sam couldn't stop the little laugh that escaped, and man it felt good to laugh. "You up for some ice cream, then?"

That had been the first time Sam had met Castiel.

The first time he met him after Dean had met him, Sam had been lost. He'd been gone and wasn't even sure of who he was anymore. Castiel had disappeared from his life when Sam had left Stanford to travel with Dean, but had been a constant presence before that.

It took two days for Cas to get him alone, and just looking at him filled Sam up with so much grief and shame. Castiel stood close to him, and Sam didn't mind. There had never been personal space with Cas.

"What has happened to you, Sam?" Castiel asked.

"I'm pretty sure you know," Sam answered. He sank down onto the bed and felt Castiel sink down next to him in an unconscious remake of their first meeting.

"This is not you, Sam," Castiel said. "You know this is not you."

But Sam wasn't ready to be him again. He wasn't ready to be the Sam that Castiel had known so long ago. He wasn't ready to be the boy that Dean had died to save. "I'm not that person anymore, Cas."

"You are," Castiel denied. "You are still him. I know you."

"Then where were you?" Sam asked. "Where were you when Dean died and I was… god, Cas, I was all alone and I cried for you and you never came."

"I apologize for that. I did not realize that so much time had passed for you, Sam. It took longer than I had thought it would to retrieve Dean. My actions were focused elsewhere."

"I can't stop this, Cas," Sam said, turning to face the angel. "I can't get a grip on this. I keep trying to get myself out, but I'm stuck. I… I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm not me."

"You are still you, Samuel. You can never be anyone else."

"I'm not that teenager you knew."

"Many years have passed since then, Sam. Of course you are no longer a teenager."

Sam cracked a small smile. "You make me wish I still was. Worrying about tests and friends and Jess sounds so good right now."

"Then stop all of this, Sam," Castiel said. "Stop meeting with Ruby."

"It's not that easy."

"Call on me, again, when you want to see her. We will get ice cream instead."

Sam turned away. "Don't make me be myself around you, Cas. I can't-not anymore."

"The Sam I know is still in there," Castiel said. He reached out with a hand and rested it on Sam's thigh. "The Sam that loves strawberry ice cream. I've… missed you, Sam."

"You left me, Cas."

"You had your brother."

"It wasn't the same."

Silence. Then finally, "Perhaps not."

"If I do this," Sam said, in a small voice. "If I can be me, will you… you have to promise not to disappear again. I can't do this alone, Cas. I never could."

"You were never alone, Sam," Castiel said. "But you have my promise."

"I'm… it could take a while," Sam said. "To be myself again. To be the me you knew."

"I have greatly missed ice cream."