TITLE: That's Not My Flashlight...
AUTHOR: jeri
E-MAIL: ggal1116@yahoo.com OR agentjeri@thexfiles.com
WEBSITE: http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index/html
RATING: PG-13
CATEGORY: XRH, M-POV
KEYWORDS: MSR, post-ep
SPOILERS: Requiem
ARCHIVE: Yes to Legacy, Gossamer, and those who ask.
STARTED: September 25, 2000
FINISHED: September 27, 2000
SUMMARY: The X-Fools series finale!
**DISCLAIMER: No me own-o. No you sue-o. That goes for
everything I've stolen in this, not just the X-Files stuff.
This one's for you, Brie ;)
^*^*^
::Previously, on the X-Files::
:: So in three days, we'll get to go home. Yes, even me.
Luke has assured me that I will be able to get home in time
for my son Thomas William's birth, and I will be allowed to
live out my days on Earth as a father.
I'm so happy.
Of course, I'll be even happier when I'm home and a certain
G-woman is in my arms again.::
^*^*^
Luvrgal4Me: you're what
SenorSpooky: you heard me i'm coming home they're dropped of
the oregonians last night and tonight it's my turn
Luvrgal4Me: where are they bringing you to dc or to someplace
more remote
SenorSpooky: i haven't the faintest idea all i know is this
it won't be oregon
Luvrgal4Me: well how will you get home can you rent a car or
something because i really don't think i should be flying
right now
SenorSpooky: i agree as soon as i'm back on terra firma and i
know where i am i'll let you know my plans
Luvrgal4Me: all right just call me as soon as you can i miss
you so much mulder god it's funny tommy's been really active
tonight almost like he knew that you were on your way
SenorSpooky: aw scully
LskywalkJK: mulder get back here now
SenorSpooky: um ok
SenorSpooky: scully i have to go now i'll call you just as
soon as i can
Before she can reply I close our connection. What I didn't
tell her is that I have a 'task' to accomplish before getting
off this space taxi for good.
I anxiously head back to the conference room, where
Luke/Eddie/BF is waiting with his bosses to decide my fate.
"Fox William Mulder. You do know that your notable powers
have made you a valuable commodity to our people, correct?"
I hesitate. "Well, I knew they *were*, but I thought my
skills were no longer needed, and that was why I was being
freed."
The head honcho, whose human form reminds me disturbingly
of Bill Clinton, speaks up. "Your skills are not needed
presently, that is true. However, there's always the
possibility that they may be needed in the future."
Great. Happy happy joy joy. "I understand, sir."
"So, Fox William Mulder, you must perform a task to prove
to us that you are better suited to Earthlife. Are you ready?"
I sucked in my breath. "I'm ready."
PseudoClinton stood up. "Follow me."
^*^*^
I'm led to the control area of the ship; the bridge, I
suppose Trekkers would call it. PseudoClinton motions for me
to sit in Kirk's chair. I do, though I'm very wary right now.
"Fox William Mulder" (God, I wish he'd stop calling me by
my full name!) "you will have exactly one hour to learn to
master the ship's controls and steer us to a place where I
can get a plant for my room."
I blink. "Excuse me?"
PseudoClinton shrugs. "I've always thought having a plant
would make this old ship feel more homey. I think a shrub of
some kind would do nicely."
I feel a laugh bubble in my throat, but I choke it back
down. "A...a shrubbery?"
"Yes, bring me a shrubbery!"
Oh.
My.
God.
Me thinks PseudoClinton's a little too fond of Monty Python...
"We shall leave you to your task. The clock is running,
Fox William Mulder." With that, he leads his underlings out
of the room.
Crap, I've got less than an hour to figure out how to fly
an alien spacecraft? Where's Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith when
you need them?!
But wait. They want me to prove that I'm better suited to
Earth, right? Well, wouldn't a normal Earthling have no
fucking clue how to drive one of these babies? So maybe I
should just sit back and think about how Scully's gonna look
when I *finally* get to see her.
But what if they think I'm going to do that. What if that
really fails me, and then they don't let me go?
LskywalkJK: mulder i seriously suggest that you get your ass
in gear it's not really that difficult and you will be set
free as long as you bring them to the right spot
SenorSpooky: gee thanks lukey that really helps a lot i can
really narrow down my options
LskywalkJK: they just want to know why you belong on earth
dumbass give them one or two good reasons and a shrubbery
and you'll be free
He logs off then, and after a few more moments of trying
to reach him, I get a really pissed off away message for my
efforts.
Okay, so I really do have to figure this out. Luke/Eddie/BF
hasn't steered me wrong since I got here, so I'm going to
trust him again.
So...how do I prove that I belong on Earth? Well, if you
belong somewhere, then that means you have a reason to be
there. So what's my reason for existing? Well, if I think
optimistically for once, it would seem as though everyone has
some tangible purpose for being alive. And, optimistically
still, the fact that I'm not dead yet suggests that I have
not fulfilled my purpose at this point in time.
So what do I have left to do?
Hmm...I wonder...
As soon as I figure out these controls, I'm setting a course
for home. For Scully. And my son.
^*^*^
God damn it all to hell!!!!
Pardon me, I'm a bit annoyed right now. We are presently
cruising at 4,000 MPH in a westerly direction. Directly *away*
from DC. I think I'm closing in on Honolulu.
The best part is that I got a nice little reminder from
PseudoClinton a few minutes ago. "Fifteen minutes, Fox William
Mulder." Yes, Your Horniness, I understand.
So I'm trying like hell to figure out either turn around
*really* fast, or speed up. If I continue I this direction,
there's no way I can make it in time. But if I turn around,
I may be able to pull it off...
Suddenly, I feel my brain go on AutoPilot...um, no pun
intended. My hands begin to move of their own accord, and the
next thing I know is that I'm turning the ship around and
speeding up.
Daddy's coming, Tommy. Daddy's coming.
^*^*^
It is with great exuberance that I hop out of the spaceship
and begin digging up the first shrubbery I see outside Scully's
window.
Luckily for the aliens, it's 2:21 in the morning, and no
one has seemed to notice the rather large, other-worldly craft
sitting in the middle of Georgetown.
"That is a very nice shrubbery, Fox William Mulder,"
PseudoClinton comments. "Do you have any suggestions how I
should take care of it?"
I pause in my digging. "Um, I'm really not the best person
to ask about that, Your Hor--oliness. Do you mind if I go wake
my partner so I can show you why I belong here, and then she
can give you that information I'm sure."
After a moment of careful pondering, he agrees. I ditch
the makeshift shovel I put together from spatulas from the
ship's kitchen and hurry into the apartment via the kitchen
door.
As I walk through the darkened apartment, I take note of
all the subtle differences since I'd last been there: a crib
in the corner, just waiting to be put together; a beautiful,
hand-painted toy chest that I know came from Charlie; an old
heirloom rocking chair that I told her to snag from the storage
place where all of my mom's furniture is stashed. I have fond
memories of my mother rocking Sammy in that chair. I think even
my father took a turn or two with it.
Back to the task at hand. I make my way to the bedroom,
preparing myself for the onslaught of hormones that I know
will be aimed in my direction.
SenorSpooky: scully wake up
Luvrgal4Me: not now mulder i'm sleepin
SenorSpooky: scully i really think you should wake up now
there's something you need to see
I see her start to stir, so I decide to help her along by
gently brushing my finger against her cheek. It's killing me
to use this much restraint; I just want to dive under the
covers with her and celebrate my homecoming.
Luvrgal4Me: mmm mulder that feels nice
I try not to laugh out loud. Even after four months, she
still knows my touch! I spread my palm over the bright crown
of her hair. "Scully, open your eyes," I whisper.
She turns over and obediently follows my directions. Her
eyes open...wide.
"Mulder! Oh my god, I can't believe it! Are you...I mean,
you're..."
Now I do laugh. "Yes, I'm really here, and as much as I'd
love to chat right now, I really need you to come with me
outside while I dig up a shrubbery to give to the head alien.
Oh, and you need to tell him how to take care of it."
I grab her hand and drag her from the bed. I decide not to
look at her belly just yet, opting to wait until I have all
the time in the world to enjoy it.
As I help her put on her coat, she turns to me and says,
"A shrubbery, Mulder?"
I nod sagely. "Yes, a shrubbery."
She sighs. "We'll need a flashlight."
"Uh...Scully?"
THE END!!!
------ENTER FAT LADY------
------FAT LADY SINGS------
^*^*^
No, you cannot convince me to write another one. Don't whine,
it's unbecoming. But I may give permission for someone to do
an authorized sequel.
Also, in the Grand Tradition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy and subsequent sequels, this series is hereby dubbed
The X-Fools Trilogy.
4 out of 5 doctors say expressing your enjoyment of a fanfic
to its author increases your life expectancy 23-23.8 years.
The other doctor was killed by Cancerman before we could ask
him.
jeri, president, xpab: x-philes against bees
Join by writing to: kill_em_all@thexfiles.com OR
Visit the xpab site:
http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/xpab.html
And while you're there...
Visit Jeri's Basement:
http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index.html
AUTHOR: jeri
E-MAIL: ggal1116@yahoo.com OR agentjeri@thexfiles.com
WEBSITE: http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index/html
RATING: PG-13
CATEGORY: XRH, M-POV
KEYWORDS: MSR, post-ep
SPOILERS: Requiem
ARCHIVE: Yes to Legacy, Gossamer, and those who ask.
STARTED: September 25, 2000
FINISHED: September 27, 2000
SUMMARY: The X-Fools series finale!
**DISCLAIMER: No me own-o. No you sue-o. That goes for
everything I've stolen in this, not just the X-Files stuff.
This one's for you, Brie ;)
^*^*^
::Previously, on the X-Files::
:: So in three days, we'll get to go home. Yes, even me.
Luke has assured me that I will be able to get home in time
for my son Thomas William's birth, and I will be allowed to
live out my days on Earth as a father.
I'm so happy.
Of course, I'll be even happier when I'm home and a certain
G-woman is in my arms again.::
^*^*^
Luvrgal4Me: you're what
SenorSpooky: you heard me i'm coming home they're dropped of
the oregonians last night and tonight it's my turn
Luvrgal4Me: where are they bringing you to dc or to someplace
more remote
SenorSpooky: i haven't the faintest idea all i know is this
it won't be oregon
Luvrgal4Me: well how will you get home can you rent a car or
something because i really don't think i should be flying
right now
SenorSpooky: i agree as soon as i'm back on terra firma and i
know where i am i'll let you know my plans
Luvrgal4Me: all right just call me as soon as you can i miss
you so much mulder god it's funny tommy's been really active
tonight almost like he knew that you were on your way
SenorSpooky: aw scully
LskywalkJK: mulder get back here now
SenorSpooky: um ok
SenorSpooky: scully i have to go now i'll call you just as
soon as i can
Before she can reply I close our connection. What I didn't
tell her is that I have a 'task' to accomplish before getting
off this space taxi for good.
I anxiously head back to the conference room, where
Luke/Eddie/BF is waiting with his bosses to decide my fate.
"Fox William Mulder. You do know that your notable powers
have made you a valuable commodity to our people, correct?"
I hesitate. "Well, I knew they *were*, but I thought my
skills were no longer needed, and that was why I was being
freed."
The head honcho, whose human form reminds me disturbingly
of Bill Clinton, speaks up. "Your skills are not needed
presently, that is true. However, there's always the
possibility that they may be needed in the future."
Great. Happy happy joy joy. "I understand, sir."
"So, Fox William Mulder, you must perform a task to prove
to us that you are better suited to Earthlife. Are you ready?"
I sucked in my breath. "I'm ready."
PseudoClinton stood up. "Follow me."
^*^*^
I'm led to the control area of the ship; the bridge, I
suppose Trekkers would call it. PseudoClinton motions for me
to sit in Kirk's chair. I do, though I'm very wary right now.
"Fox William Mulder" (God, I wish he'd stop calling me by
my full name!) "you will have exactly one hour to learn to
master the ship's controls and steer us to a place where I
can get a plant for my room."
I blink. "Excuse me?"
PseudoClinton shrugs. "I've always thought having a plant
would make this old ship feel more homey. I think a shrub of
some kind would do nicely."
I feel a laugh bubble in my throat, but I choke it back
down. "A...a shrubbery?"
"Yes, bring me a shrubbery!"
Oh.
My.
God.
Me thinks PseudoClinton's a little too fond of Monty Python...
"We shall leave you to your task. The clock is running,
Fox William Mulder." With that, he leads his underlings out
of the room.
Crap, I've got less than an hour to figure out how to fly
an alien spacecraft? Where's Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith when
you need them?!
But wait. They want me to prove that I'm better suited to
Earth, right? Well, wouldn't a normal Earthling have no
fucking clue how to drive one of these babies? So maybe I
should just sit back and think about how Scully's gonna look
when I *finally* get to see her.
But what if they think I'm going to do that. What if that
really fails me, and then they don't let me go?
LskywalkJK: mulder i seriously suggest that you get your ass
in gear it's not really that difficult and you will be set
free as long as you bring them to the right spot
SenorSpooky: gee thanks lukey that really helps a lot i can
really narrow down my options
LskywalkJK: they just want to know why you belong on earth
dumbass give them one or two good reasons and a shrubbery
and you'll be free
He logs off then, and after a few more moments of trying
to reach him, I get a really pissed off away message for my
efforts.
Okay, so I really do have to figure this out. Luke/Eddie/BF
hasn't steered me wrong since I got here, so I'm going to
trust him again.
So...how do I prove that I belong on Earth? Well, if you
belong somewhere, then that means you have a reason to be
there. So what's my reason for existing? Well, if I think
optimistically for once, it would seem as though everyone has
some tangible purpose for being alive. And, optimistically
still, the fact that I'm not dead yet suggests that I have
not fulfilled my purpose at this point in time.
So what do I have left to do?
Hmm...I wonder...
As soon as I figure out these controls, I'm setting a course
for home. For Scully. And my son.
^*^*^
God damn it all to hell!!!!
Pardon me, I'm a bit annoyed right now. We are presently
cruising at 4,000 MPH in a westerly direction. Directly *away*
from DC. I think I'm closing in on Honolulu.
The best part is that I got a nice little reminder from
PseudoClinton a few minutes ago. "Fifteen minutes, Fox William
Mulder." Yes, Your Horniness, I understand.
So I'm trying like hell to figure out either turn around
*really* fast, or speed up. If I continue I this direction,
there's no way I can make it in time. But if I turn around,
I may be able to pull it off...
Suddenly, I feel my brain go on AutoPilot...um, no pun
intended. My hands begin to move of their own accord, and the
next thing I know is that I'm turning the ship around and
speeding up.
Daddy's coming, Tommy. Daddy's coming.
^*^*^
It is with great exuberance that I hop out of the spaceship
and begin digging up the first shrubbery I see outside Scully's
window.
Luckily for the aliens, it's 2:21 in the morning, and no
one has seemed to notice the rather large, other-worldly craft
sitting in the middle of Georgetown.
"That is a very nice shrubbery, Fox William Mulder,"
PseudoClinton comments. "Do you have any suggestions how I
should take care of it?"
I pause in my digging. "Um, I'm really not the best person
to ask about that, Your Hor--oliness. Do you mind if I go wake
my partner so I can show you why I belong here, and then she
can give you that information I'm sure."
After a moment of careful pondering, he agrees. I ditch
the makeshift shovel I put together from spatulas from the
ship's kitchen and hurry into the apartment via the kitchen
door.
As I walk through the darkened apartment, I take note of
all the subtle differences since I'd last been there: a crib
in the corner, just waiting to be put together; a beautiful,
hand-painted toy chest that I know came from Charlie; an old
heirloom rocking chair that I told her to snag from the storage
place where all of my mom's furniture is stashed. I have fond
memories of my mother rocking Sammy in that chair. I think even
my father took a turn or two with it.
Back to the task at hand. I make my way to the bedroom,
preparing myself for the onslaught of hormones that I know
will be aimed in my direction.
SenorSpooky: scully wake up
Luvrgal4Me: not now mulder i'm sleepin
SenorSpooky: scully i really think you should wake up now
there's something you need to see
I see her start to stir, so I decide to help her along by
gently brushing my finger against her cheek. It's killing me
to use this much restraint; I just want to dive under the
covers with her and celebrate my homecoming.
Luvrgal4Me: mmm mulder that feels nice
I try not to laugh out loud. Even after four months, she
still knows my touch! I spread my palm over the bright crown
of her hair. "Scully, open your eyes," I whisper.
She turns over and obediently follows my directions. Her
eyes open...wide.
"Mulder! Oh my god, I can't believe it! Are you...I mean,
you're..."
Now I do laugh. "Yes, I'm really here, and as much as I'd
love to chat right now, I really need you to come with me
outside while I dig up a shrubbery to give to the head alien.
Oh, and you need to tell him how to take care of it."
I grab her hand and drag her from the bed. I decide not to
look at her belly just yet, opting to wait until I have all
the time in the world to enjoy it.
As I help her put on her coat, she turns to me and says,
"A shrubbery, Mulder?"
I nod sagely. "Yes, a shrubbery."
She sighs. "We'll need a flashlight."
"Uh...Scully?"
THE END!!!
------ENTER FAT LADY------
------FAT LADY SINGS------
^*^*^
No, you cannot convince me to write another one. Don't whine,
it's unbecoming. But I may give permission for someone to do
an authorized sequel.
Also, in the Grand Tradition of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy and subsequent sequels, this series is hereby dubbed
The X-Fools Trilogy.
4 out of 5 doctors say expressing your enjoyment of a fanfic
to its author increases your life expectancy 23-23.8 years.
The other doctor was killed by Cancerman before we could ask
him.
jeri, president, xpab: x-philes against bees
Join by writing to: kill_em_all@thexfiles.com OR
Visit the xpab site:
http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/xpab.html
And while you're there...
Visit Jeri's Basement:
http://www.geocities.com/jeris_basement/index.html