"Dusty pictures and vivid memories
Are all that is left of yesteryears"
Ethereal by me
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I am Marlene Erisha Aston, First Princess of Asturia, Duchess of Freid and mother of its heir. So many titles I would gladly give up if it meant I could be myself. Not a princess, not a duchess. Just Marlene. But for now, I shall play my part in this play my everyday life has always been.
As the Duke's wife though, having given him his heir, I don't have many duties left. And I am sick. I can feel it burning, slowly consuming me from the inside. At least I won't have to play my part much longer. But I don't want to think about this now. I promised Chid I would be strong. Chid… When I learned I was sick, I cried. He saw it. He tried to hug me in his little arms, telling me not to cry. He looked so much like his father… I promised him I wouldn't cry anymore. Of course he didn't know what was really happening, and still doesn't. How do you tell a two-years-old his mother is dying ? Besides, if I want to be strong enough to face it, I need him to be as full of life and joyful as ever.
Very few know I am sick. The Duke won't even let me tell my family. He said he doesn't want anyone to know Freid could be weakened or something. So I can't even go to my loved ones for comfort, or even just to tell them goodbye. I can only clench my teeth, stand straight, smile and pretend nothing's wrong.
I'm supposed to rest but… I wonder, what for ? It's too late for resting now… But since no one will let me go out, I spend hours in my room, sitting by my window, lost in thoughts. All my memories seem to be coming back to me… It doesn't surprise me though… There's no point in waiting for a future I no longer have. I guess all I have left is a past… So I'll let the memories come and bring me back to what I left behind.
So many memories… and especially one. The memory of a gallant swordsman, of all the joy there once was, and of how it was so brutally ripped from us.
Eries knew about us, and she tried to convince me that it was all for the best, that staying with Allen would be living a lie that could only bring sadness and resentment, and that, on the contrary, I would be free in Fried, free to be happy. Eries… you did not fully realised what you were saying, did you ? We princesses are never free. We are taught to act, talk, walk, even think and breathe in ways dictated by the all-mighty etiquette since we are born.
This is why I decided to leave the castle and live in a villa our mother's family owned near Pallas. And for the first time in my life, I did feel free. No one was there to watch me reproachfully everytime I would openly laugh. No protocol, no etiquette. Plus, it was isolated enough to give a princess and her guard all the privacy they wanted.
We spent hours talking about any and every thing or on long rides during which he would show me the country around Pallas. I loved the way he looked at me, the way he whispered my name, how he constantly cared about my well-being. I was never Princess Marlene around him. Just Marlene. He gave me the freedom I craved for.
I know I shouldn't have fallen in love with him. The truth is I never meant to. But long before I knew, I found myself wondering if I should keep to my position and act like a dutiful, cold and unreachable princess or if I could be selfish and fall in love. He found out somehow, and made up my mind for me. He kissed me and I felt as if everything were right. He cradled me in his arms and I was… I was home. At last.
Needless to say I didn't hesitate much longer after that. We both surrendered. And I'll never regret any second I spent with him.
And this is what Eries thought could bring no good. But had I had my way, this is the life I'd have chosen.
Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
I know Eries was only trying to make sure I had not forgotten where my loyalties lay and that I would fulfill my duty. Of course I would.
Oh, but God, I want to let it go
Come to bed, don't make me sleep alone
Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show
Father himself came to the villa on one rainy night to break the news to me. I said no, I said he couldn't force me into this, that I had the right to marry whom I wanted. Out of love, not out of duty. But I knew I had no choice. Princesses are born to wait for the day their father announces he has found them a husband, bow their heads obediently, and accept their fate whatever it is. My refusal was merely a means to see whether there was any way out of this or not.ButFather and the Duke had already planned everything. My wedding would seal the new alliance between Asturia and Freid. I would leave and pretend everything was just fine. Walk down the aisle with a smile on my face. Wrap myself in false happiness. Lithium
As for Allen… he had known that day would come all along. He knew he had no choice either. He tried to comfort me as well as himself. I could swear I saw a tear running down his cheek.
Never wanted it to be so cold
Just didn't drink enough to say you love me
There's a place in the meadows near Pallas where we loved to go. A stream runs through it. It's such a peaceful place… One day, he told me about a dream he had had : he had seen us living there. And he saw… he told me he saw our children. It was only a dream, one that could never be real. We both knew just too well what the consequences would have been : manhunt, dishonor for me, and worse for him… but still, it was a beautiful dream.
And that night, as he held me and I clung to him as for dear life, I whispered : "Do you remember this dream you spoke about ? Tonight... let's make it real... Even if it's only for tonight... let's make it real."
Because of the noise of the pouring rain, or thanks to it I'd rather say, no sound from the outside could be heard. I felt as if we were so far away from this cruel world. I remember I wished I could freeze time. Nowadays, I wish I could go back to this night and lie in his arms forever.
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
The Duke has always been very kind to me. He may even love me. I like him too, but as a friend. Only as a friend. Because… I can't forget him. Do I still love him ? I do. I always will. It's as simple as it sounds. He is my child's true father after all and Chid reminds me of him every day.
I cannot pretend nothing happened. It would be unfair to him, to the Duke, to me, and even to Chid. I don't know whether the Duke knows about it or not. He must have noticed I wasn't virgin on our wedding night, but he didn't ask anything. When I told him I was pregnant and then when Chid was born, he still asked nothing. Maybe he cannot. Freid needs an heir, Chid is his only son and I'm very unlikely to conceive again. He's probably the only heir the Duke will ever have. So maybe he just cannot ask for the truth.
So there are two of us pretending everything's fine…
Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without lithium
I want to stay in love with my sorrow
I don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Of course I thought I would grow old. Since the Duke's much older than I am, he'd probably have been the first to die. And once Chid would have been on the throne, I would have retiredto some far away castle, or gone back to Pallas. I imagined myself sitting by a window like I am now, watching the autumn rain fall, wrapped in a silence nothing but the droplets would brake, thinking about yesteryears. And how many grandsons will I have ? I'll never know.
Some people say no one dies as long as they're remembered. I wish it were true… But what will they remember of me ? The princess, the duchess ? Or the daughter, the sister, the lover, the wife, the mother ? I am so many different things to so many different people…
Here in the darkness I know myself
Someone knocks on my door… I tell them to come in in a voice that doesn't sound like mine. It's one of my maids, telling me I should get ready for diner. She quickly leaves the room. Apart from Chid, no one seems to want to spend more than a minute around me these days… I don't understand their behavior… My maids know I'm sick, but as far as we know it's nothing contagious. I really don't understand… Nor do I want to. I am tired of all of this… All this acting, this pretending, this deceiving… And the diner will be nothing else than a new scene added to an already too long play.
Can't break free until I let it go
Maybe this is what's killing me… Maybe the lies are taking their toll on me…
Let me go
What wouldn't I give to go back to Mother's villa… To laugh with my sisters again… I miss hearing Eries and Millerna teasing each other.
Whenever I think about these days in Pallas, they all seem to be sunny and warm… I wish I had never left. Sometimes I feel like I abandonned them… Millerna did cry on my lap telling me she didn't want me to go after all. Even Eries, after lecturing me about my duties, told me she wished I could stay. And Allen… I'll never forget the look in his eyes when he told me it was time to leave.
I've heard rumors that say he's nothing more than a playboy now.
Darling, I forgive you after all
I can hardly believe it… It would mean he's now light-years away from the gallant knight I once knew. But even if it's true, I can't blame him… Not after taking his son away from him…
Anything is better than to be alone
He once told me that his children would know that he would always be there for them and that he would always love them. These were not just some sweet words spoken out of rebellion against his father, no. They were… some kind of a vow. He trully meant it.
And I spoilt everything.
I knew I was pregnant before my wedding, I should have told him. But I was afraid of what would happen if someone else found out, and afraid of his reaction too. It had been painful enough to tell him that another person he loved would be walking out of his life to marry some other man, even though he perfectly understood why I had to.
This is why I tell Chid all those stories. At least he will have heard of Allen Schezar and know a few things about him. I wish for him to know the truth someday, and to forgive me my lying to him.
May them both forgive me…
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes
I was selfish… I was selfish all along…
I can't hold on to me
Wonder what's wrong with me
May them all forgive me…
Lithium
Don't want to lock me up inside lithium
Don't want to forget how it feels without lithium
Stay in love with you
There's no escaping one's fate, I learned that the hard way. I once tried to change mine by falling in love with my knight in shining armor and briefly, wildly thinking we could run away together. I still married the man my father betrothed me to, as any dutiful princess would. To change your fate, you must dream and believe these dreams can come true. But duty does not leave room for dreams. There was just no avoiding it. I have learned to accept my fate. I am dying, and trying to deny it would only make it crueler.
I, I'm gonna let it go…
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"But when the sun in all his state,
Illumed the eastern skies,
She passed through glory's morning gate,
And walked in Paradise. "
From A Death Bed by Thomas Bailey Aldrich
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Hi ! First of all, thanks for reading.
This is the fic I wrote about on my profile AND my first attempt at a song fic. The song is "Lithium" by Evanescence. It's a great, great song, I hope I did it justice ! Why don't you leave a comment or two and tell me ? ;-) I love reviews (who doesn't ?), they make my day. Because, yeah, I have no life… Too much schoolwork… That sucks… Anyway, please review !