Disclaimer: Harry Potter and everything to do with it is not mine!
Past, Present, and Future
I think I was in love once. I know I was in love once, but how can one ever be totally sure about their emotions when they're hidden so deep inside? That's how my emotions about him were … hidden deep inside, where even I couldn't reach them. Fifteen years old. That's how old I was when I might've fallen in love. Who was it? Well, my best friend actually. Of course I know it's pathetic. I told myself that every time I'd look at him and feel my heart beat faster, every time I'd see him and want to touch him. Hermione Granger in love with her best friend. The boy I'd known for years and the boy I'd always admired. I loved, and still love, everything about him. The way he's heroic without ever wanting to be. The way his black hair falls over his face and the way his emerald eyes sparkle. Oh God … I sound like an idiot. What is the world coming to?
I never admitted my feelings to him and now I regret it. I keep thinking that maybe if I'd told him I'd have my happily ever after ending, but how could I tell him when even I wasn't even sure. The moment I felt certain I loved him was a rainy summer afternoon. We were outside talking and walking around outside Hogwarts. It started pouring and we ran inside laughing, getting soaked. Once we were safely inside I turned to look at him and I think in that moment I truly saw him for the first time. He looked like a little boy with his hair, limp and wet, hanging in front of his eyes. I could see those eyes that always looked so alive, I could see them dancing from underneath damp strands of black hair. Underneath it, though, I could see his sadness. Sorrow, from being only a teenager and already grown up, being young and aged beyond belief at the same time. It seemed like the rain washed away all the strong facades he had, and showed him as what he really was, something I'd never seen in all my years of knowing him. To this day I still don't know what that is. I just know I could see all the happiness and all the despair he'd experienced during his life, and I know I wanted to make the grief go away and fill him with joy.
After that moment where I felt sure I loved him it was never the same. He seemed to know how far into his soul I'd gotten, and he didn't like being that vulnerable. Harry is a hero and heroes can't afford to be vulnerable. We were still the best friends, but never as close as we once were. I miss our closeness, even now. Even when I think I've moved on, I find myself wanting it more than ever.
I'm twenty now. It's been five years since all this. I work at the Ministry of Magic. Nothing exciting, but after seven years of Hogwarts I think any more adventures would break me. I'm … I can't say happy, but I'm content with what I have. I still see Harry sometimes and I think he's doing well, but with Harry I can never be sure. He's the boy who defeated Voldemort and now he's a man. People have always expected so much of him, and sometimes I wonder if they expect too much. He got married. Some girl I don't know. What can I say about her? She's nice and pretty and I'm jealous. I'm jealous as hell. I wonder if she's seen his soul like I have.
Nearly every day for five years I've asked myself 'what if'. What if I'd told Harry exactly how I felt that day in the rain? What if I'd never let us drift apart? Maybe we'd be happy together. But I have to stop asking myself these questions. It's hurts too much. Life is not a fairy tale. Things happen that we don't want to happen and there's nothing we can do about it. I dreamed about my happy ending once. I don't dream about it anymore. But life holds unexpected things and maybe I will have a happy ending even if it's not with Harry. Who knows? Maybe I don't want to know. It's best not to dwell on things. I can't live in the past and I don't know the future, so what else is left but the present?