This is a sequel/side-story to "Turning Point". This story has transgender themes and tells Lily's POV of the ending of the previous story.
A/N: warnings for transphobia and misgendering
Turning Point: Lily's POV
James potter was Jasmine Potter.
The world needed to stop turning because Lily felt like she might throw up.
She had turned away from the archivist and saw her boyfriend walking towards her. Lily was happy he was returning to her side. She liked James a lot and he made her feel good about herself and the world. Sometimes Lily didn't think this could be real. She never really had a particular interest in dating and so her experience in intimate relationships with men was limited. She didn't necessarily include her friendship with Severus.
Lily was almost entirely mad at Severus for ruining such a wonderful fantasy but the balloon had already burst. James' figure had grown smaller, his features softer, hair longer. In his place the sturdy man had left an athletic yet still clearly feminine Jasmine Potter.
Jasmine was beginning to look horrified which was nothing compared to everyone else in the room. Lily wondered what her own face looked like. She couldn't feel anything. Was her face distorted in horror; eyes wide, mouth open. She couldn't feel the muscles in her face, so she couldn't tell. She did wish, however, that Severus would stop smirking at her. Couldn't he see she was horrified and needed comfort? She just found out her boyfriend was a girl—A teenage girl who happened to be Jasmine Potter on top of that.
Lily didn't appreciate the fact her life was starting to sound like a muggle horror film. I was dating a teenage Werewolf—No—I was dating a teenage girl… If given a choice, Lily would've taken the wolf man.
Severus rested a hand on her shoulder, which brought Lily away from the muggle world back to the wizarding one, but she shook him off. In the Wizarding world, they didn't have films because the crazy things that happened in films happened in real life.
Lily realized everyone was staring at them or more importantly Jasmine and her, but she couldn't bring herself to look at the other. There was something taboo about that, but, at the same time, it was getting increasingly hard not to. Jasmine was directly across from her and everyone crowding around them, trying to get a good look at the two of them. Lily then realized that she didn't need to stick around and what for? She had been made a fool of. There were professional people here and Lily was made a fool before all of them. Jasmine Potter really took the cake with this one. Severus had been right about her, and Lily was too stupid to see it. She had wanted to believe that Jasmine was her friend, and she liked the idea that they could be. But it was just a prank all along.
Lily ran out of the room while trying to avoid eye contact. Severus chased after her, which forced Lily to run faster. She ran down hallways but couldn't bring herself to find a safe haven in one. Jasmine was a Marauder and the Marauders knew the school like the back of their hands. Lily didn't think Jasmine would chase after her but all the same she didn't want to take the chance that she could be found.
Lily lost Severus somewhere near the painting of the duchess of York and the one corridor with unicorn tapestry. His robes were too long and he stumbled. Severus also wasn't a particularly fast runner despite his longer legs.
Lily ran from the school and continued running until trees shrouded her. After a while she came to a walk before finding comfort with a big tree.
James Potter was Jasmine Potter. Lily hated that her mind came back to that. She just escaped the person, but her mind ran right back to him…her. She couldn't reconcile the two together, despite the fact she had seen James transform into Jasmine not several minutes ago.
"They are the same person," Lily whispered and then felt silly. Speaking the words didn't make her believe it anymore than before. James Potter was the man who gave her his coat and took her to the kitchens, and made her feel good about her heritage when the rest of the world was putting her down for it. He had held her hand and kissed her. She had considered giving him more, too, one day when she was ready. She had thought he was the special one. But that person didn't exist. Lily wondered when Jasmine got the idea to fabricate such a man. How did she know what would make Lily so happy? How long had she planned this and why? Lily knew they weren't the best of friends and Lily was the one who gave her most of her detentions, but Jasmine had never aimed such cruelty to her. Not even to the Slytherins who Jasmine made her dislike for no secret.
Lily felt her eyes water and slowly the tears came.
Jasmine Potter had put flobberworms in her trunk way back in first year. Lily didn't even know what flobberworms were when she opened her school trunk and saw the maggoty creatures crawling around. Jasmine had laughed at her and Lily had cried. She didn't look at Jasmine then either when she ran out the room. Lily remembered wanting to find Severus but he hadn't told her where the Slytherin commons was located and he never did tell her the password. Lily had ended up in an abandoned corridor after curfew and Jasmine had to find her, with an excuse of wanting to avoid losing house points. Lily had thought back then that it was Jasmine's way of showing remorse, but now she wasn't so sure.
In third year, Lily had been determined to perform a spell first in McGonagall's class. It was a silly spell, very simple and Lily felt ridiculous at how determined she was and how difficult she had found it. Jasmine quickly dashed those dreams when she was the first to perform the spell. She had transformed some animal into a teacup. Lily had been reluctantly impressed and she turned away when Jasmine tried to make eye contact with her. Lily had scowled at that. Hours later Lily was enjoying dinner with a fourth year who had always been nice to her, when the cup she had lifted to her lips suddenly transformed into a squealing rat. Lily had screamed and there was Jasmine and her band of merry morons laughing. Lily remembered crying again. The next morning, Lily had found the mouse in a cage on her night stand. On closer inspection, Lily noticed that the rat had a pink ribbon wrapped around its neck. Lily never said anything to Jasmine, but at Christmas break, Lily had given the rat to her mother as a pet who proceeded to name it Iris.
A more recent memory popped into Lily's mind. One that happened after Lily and Jasmine had become 'friends'. Lily wiped a teary trail from her eyes as she thought about it. They had decided to study for transfiguration. Lily knew Jasmine was good at transfiguration—obviously not this good—and had decided that studying together could be beneficial. It was evening and the two had claimed the sofa by the fire. Their union had scared the other students and so they were left alone for the most part. Not even Sirius had come over to bother them. Lily had a book opened on her lap and was reciting facts about Nettie the yeti. Jasmine was leaning on her shoulder to read alongside her. Nettie the yeti wasn't actually homework but Lily had come across her chapter and couldn't help but get distracted. Jasmine had also leaned closer to Lily when she began to recite it. Jasmine had laughed loudly over her shoulder. Jasmine didn't have a delicate laugh. It was loud and obnoxious. It had perfectly fit a girl like her.
Now that Lily thought about it. Jasmine had been sitting very close. Lily remembered feeling the body heat.
With that in mind Lily realized she was in the forbidden forest. And that she was lost.
Lily leaned against the tree. She had read in Hogwarts a History once in passing that when lost in the forest, students should stay still and let a teacher collect them. The book alluded to the headmaster always knowing when the students wondered into the woods. Lily didn't know how true that was but then again the headmaster was Dumbledore and he seemed to have an uncanny knowledge of everything.
Lily waited a bit before she heard some twigs snap. Lily had also read in Hogwarts a history that the forbidden forest housed all sorts of monsters and she was sure one of them was not too far from her.
"Evans! Where are you?"
Sirius! Monster indeed, though she was happy to hear him.
"Hello! Sirius!" She cried. And she almost said more but as she looked around the tree and came face to face with Jasmine.
No!
"Are you alright?" Jasmine seemed concerned, the nerve of her. Hasn't this prank gone on long enough?
Words were exchanged and Jasmine kept trying to touch her. Sirius was getting involved. It was getting a little too dramatic, especially when Sirius started making noises…
Eck, by the looks of that spider she would've screamed too. This was getting ridiculous. Could something go right tonight? Spiders the size of cats and dogs began to come out from the shadows of the forest. Lily had never seen spiders this big. She grabbed her wand and gripped it nervously. All three of them started blasting the giant spiders. A tiny one about the size of an apple fell on her hand. She felt its bite on the fatty part between the thumb and index finger…at least it didn't bite off a finger. The situation was getting desperate, when it became clear that their curses were hardly making a dent in the number of spiders. They had to make a run for it and Lily felt her brain barely compute the minor graciousness that Severus wasn't here, the slowpoke. He would've been eaten first.
Lily looked over her shoulder and saw the shadows moving. The spiders were coming at them from the side. Earlier dramatics aside, Lily was scared. Genuinely scared.
This must not have been part of the prank, though, Jasmine and Sirius claimed the situation was not one.
Looking ahead, Lily trained her eyes on the back of Jasmine's head. Jasmine was still wearing the oversize robes, though they didn't seem to interfere with her movements. In fact, Lily seemed to hinder her movements. Jasmine wouldn't let go of her, would she? No she wouldn't. Jasmine wasn't like that at all. She faced off a werewolf for Severus of all people…she wouldn't feed Lily to a hoard of giant man-eating spiders.
Jasmine turned back, her hair flung wildly, her eyes wide. They made eye contact for what must have been a short amount of time, but like the old adage, it felt longer.
"Sirius, they're gaining," Jasmine cried. Lily would've envied the other's lack of wheezing while Lily felt like she was going to cough up a lung if she ever slowed down long enough.
"Wait, Padfoot, transform!"
Jasmine was ahead of her, so Lily didn't see what happened beyond the strange shaking of Jasmine's body. Then Jasmine stumbled.
Oh no.
Suddenly, Jasmine was gone and Lily found herself riding on the back of a stag like girl from a harlequin romance novel.
Was Jasmine a shapeshifter? How was anything tonight possible? Jasmine, the male stag, was running very fast. Lily had a hard time seeing and hoped Sirius was okay. She could however see light and took comfort as they approached the edge of the woods.
The stag buckled under her—except not really because Lily wasn't that heavy—and when Lily's feet touched the ground, she found herself staring at Jasmine who was back to being a female human.
Sirius was back as well…was he a dog just now? No…yes? Yes, her eyes didn't' deceive her.
Sirius threatened her a bit, and, though, she found him intimidating, Lily's brain was able to work out the realization that they were animagus. Actual animagus.
"You don't tell anyone about that. You didn't see us transform, none of that. If you do, I'll throw you to the death eaters, myself," Sirius was yelling now. Lily was use to Sirius talking big and sometimes he threatened her with pranks, but the intensity in his eyes made her feel uneasy. Lily felt her head get woozy. Tonight was just too much. First, there was Jasmine's prank and now Sirius was threatening her, but he was actually scaring her this time. Lily didn't find death eaters a laughing matter and Sirius family was rumored to have some dark connections. Also, Sirius and Jasmine were animagus and, illegal as that was, she was impressed by their display of complex and powerful magic.
"Don't threaten her like that!" While Jasmine yelled at Sirius for threatening her, Lily stared at Jasmine in amazement or maybe shock as her mind processed that last thought. Jasmine was an animagus but she had also turned into a man, that had to be powerful magic there. Jasmine was—Lily was almost ashamed to admit this—smarter than her.
"They're not going to send us to Azkaban," Jasmine said and turned to Lily with wide eyes.
Lily didn't know what the right thing was to do in this situation, but she nodded at Jasmine: "I won't tell. I promise."
"You better not." Sirius growled. Lily just nodded again and wrapped her arms around herself.
The trio walked to the school. Lily was still trying to swallow the reveals. When the castle doors loomed ahead and Lily could see the crowd that waited—more specifically, Severus in that dark hood—did Lily remember that James' identity was exposed in front of a room full of students and professionals. She lowered her head in embarrassment.
Remus was the first to approach him like an eager mother who didn't want to overwhelm them, though Lily was grateful that his attention and concern wavered to her as well. Peter was next and Lily noticed, to Jasmine's amusement, that he tackled Sirius. Severus was next and Lily removed her eyes from Jasmine and gave Severus a shaky smile.
He tried to hug her but the wooziness that Lily felt earlier kicked in again and she stumbled. She tried to speak but her words came out in a jumbled mess. She didn't really know what she was saying but everyone was staring at her with confused and worried expressions.
Dumbledore stepped forward and grabbed her hand and Lily noticed a lump. It looked disgusting but Dumbledore seemed fascinated by it.
"Slughorn, why don't you take Miss Evans to the hospital wing, immediately? Tell Madame Pomfrey to treat the Acromantula wound," Dumbledore said. Slughorn stepped towards her and led her away from the group towards the school. Lily looked over her shoulder and saw that Severus was following. Jasmine was gesticulating wildly at Dumbledore. Lily felt a little pathetic that James wasn't here. But James wasn't real. With a sigh, Lily was led away.
"A most exciting night, isn't it, Miss Evans?" Slughorn said. "Did you know that acromantuala poison is extremely valuable…for potions and the like. I should like to collect some once it has been squeezed from your hand. It's very rare."
"She was bit by a poisonous spider, professor," Severus said, though Lily doubted he would raise his voice, there was a clear tension there and a strong dislike for the potions master.
Slughorn for his part barely paid Severus any attention as they continued down the hall.
"Of course, of course, but nothing Madame Pomfrey can't fix up. Miss Evans will be just fine. But what an exciting night, indeed."
Lily lopped her head to the side as she could feel her body growing weaker and gave Severus a conspiratorial look. His eyes went wide and rushed to her other side that wasn't supported by slughorn.
"I've got her, Professor," He said and Lily leaned onto him instead. "Why don't you tell Pomfrey that we're coming?"
Lily should've been amused that Severus was barking orders at a professor but Slughorn didn't really count and Lily wasn't capable of feeling much right now anyway.
"Thanks," she said when Slughorn had gone, but to Severus it must've sounded like sofa. Her words were still coming out wrong.
They were quiet the rest of the journey. Lily was suddenly struck with the realization that Severus knew all along about Jasmine. He was the one that cast the counter curse. How did he find out? Why didn't he tell her in private? Lily was bursting with questions but language was not her strong point right now.
"Oh you poor dear," Madame Pomfrey cooed. She pulled Lily from Severus's arms and led her to a bed. Lily sat down but was advised against lying back while the woman administered a green potion. "I always keep a bottle on hand just in case. You never know what kind of accidents one might get into with that forest nearby."
"That was a cure for an acromantula bite?" Severus asked.
"No, it was a numbing potion, low dosage, of course," Madame Pomfrey turned to Lily and grabbed her hand. "I'm going to draw the poison out. This process is considerably expedited in comparison to the pace of the poison spreading so the pain registers stronger. But don't panic."
Lily nodded nervously.
Madame Pomfrey cast a spell and Lily flinched as she felt something crawl under her skin. It quickly became uncomfortable and Lily found herself trying to contain her squirming.
Severus grabbed her other hand which Lily didn't notice at first until the crawling subsided.
"There we go. That's the last of it."
"Remind me never to get bitten again," Lily stuttered out. Her words coming out like expected. "I feel dizzy."
"Get some rest, dear," Madame Pomfrey said and tried to lead Severus away.
"I'd like to stay with her," Severus said and Madame Pomfrey raised an eyebrow at him. It's not often that a Slytherin asked to stay by the side of an ailing Gryffindor but then again Lily and Severus' friendship was legendary at Hogwarts.
"Just for a little bit," Severus asked.
Madame Pomfrey looked at him and then at Lily, "For five minutes, then she truly needs to rest." She walked away and Severus sighed.
He turned to Lily and sat by her bed. Lily relaxed against her pillows and observed her hand with the bite wound.
"I'm glad you're okay," he said and covered her hand with his.
Lily nodded, "Ironically all thanks to Jasmine."
Severus scowled and looked away.
"She saved my life, Sev," Lily said, "After all that happened."
"She just doesn't want to be responsible for murder," he growled. His hand squeezed hers and though her bite was still tender, she didn't want to startle him. He was, Lily didn't doubt, thinking of his encounter with the werewolf in which Jasmine saved him.
It took two weeks before Severus told her about the incident. Lily had no idea there was a student who was a werewolf. Lily supposed he or she had a right to privacy and given temperatures towards dark creatures, Lily supposed the secrecy was for that student's safety more so than the rest of the school.
She never heard anything of that incident again. Severus never spoke of it again and never once did Jasmine. She never gloated or brought up that she saved Severus's life. Lily had been impressed and a little confused. Jasmine was arrogant and prideful and she loved to show off. To face off with a werewolf while saving her enemy was such a classic Gryffindor act, Lily wasn't sure if it was even true or made up. If it was true, though, Lily was impressed with Jasmine's restraint and her humility.
Maybe there was more to Jasmine then Lily even realized.
"Sev?" Lily asked. "How did you know that was Jasmine?"
Severus sighed. "I saw her transform."
Lily looked at him sharply. "When?"
"She was coming from the castle and then she cast a spell on herself. She turned back into Jasmine and then went back in."
Lily tried to think what moment this could have been and then wondered if Jasmine was interacting with other people as James.
"Why didn't you just tell me?" She asked. She pulled her hand from his and glared at him. "You're my best friend why couldn't you have told me in private."
"I didn't think you'd listen," he snapped, "I hardly see you anymore. You're always with Alice and then you partnered up with Jasmine!"
"She needed help—"
"That's our only class together and what do you care if she fails?"
Lily blushed and Severus looked sick.
"I can't believe this," He groaned, half angry half amazed.
"Can't believe what?" Lily cried out. "I thought she wanted to be my friend. I was sick and tired of the pranks and the fighting."
Severus shook his head. "Is that what you always wanted? To be her friend? After everything she's done to you and to me?"
Lily started crying once again confused.
"Considering you let her kiss you, maybe you wanted more," Severus snapped and Lily's mind filled up with her few intimate moments with James.
Lily gasped through her tears and their conversation was ended by Madame Pomfrey who stormed in here at their yelling. She would've kicked Severus out but he voluntarily left.
Madame Pomfrey tried to calm Lily down and eventually had to give her a calming draught.
"Just relax, dear, and get some rest," She said.
Lily tried but she couldn't get Severus's words out of her head.
.
.
.
Madame Pomfrey didn't give Lily a dreamless sleep potion and so Lily found herself frequently tossing and turning with thoughts of the earlier day. When she was released, Lily was dreading her return to the Gryffindor tower. No doubt Alice would've heard and not to mention that Jasmine would be there.
With those thoughts, Lily remembered when James flew to her window and crawled in. Alice had given them a sleazy look and left them alone.
Jasmine never broke character, and never faltered. Instead she had given in completely to her kisses—Lily blushed—before Lily noticed the tears. Had Jasmine been crying because she felt guilty? Then again the next day, Jasmine and Sirius notoriously did not talk to each other.
In fact they didn't talk for the rest of the week. Tonight was the first time Lily had seen them together. Sirius was rather defensive of Jasmine. He had called her something—Transgender. Lily turned to her side. She had heard the word in the muggle world but never truly knew what it meant.
Lily wondered if she should take her thoughts in the opposite direction. What if this situation wasn't a prank.
That was a scary thought because then Lily didn't know what was going on in Jasmine's head. Pranks she understood. She had nearly six years of understanding when it came to Jasmine and pranks, but if Jasmine was pretending to be a man not for a prank, then for what?
Could Jasmine be a lesbian? Lily blushed as her thoughts ran to what happened between the two of them when Jasmine was pretending to be James. Maybe Lily should consider what happened when Jasmine was physically herself with Lily.
Jasmine stared a lot. Lily had even commented on that to Jasmine at one point. She didn't stare so much at Alice. In fact, she avoided eye contact awkwardly with Alice. Lily wondered what happened there.
Jasmine would sit close too. She and Lily had been sitting beside each other at dinner when Jasmine had been fighting with Sirius. Jasmine had been sitting very close to Lily so that their thighs had been touching. Lily didn't scoot away. In fact, Lily hasn't thought much of it. Neither reacted to the touching of skin and pleated skirts. It had meant nothing then. Now, with the truth in the light, Lily wondered what Jasmine had been thinking.
Slowly Lily's mind drifted off to thoughts of skirts and spiders.
.
.
.
Lily came to with Madame Pomfrey immediately pouring another pain potion down her throat and instructions to eat breakfast or she'll get sick. Still Lily found herself bedridden. She didn't know what the problem was? Lily could speak, she wasn't dizzy or drowsy, the poison sucked from her body. Couldn't she go to her room and hide?
Lily chuckled at that thought. She didn't think she was the type to hide. But you never know. Maybe if she held her head high, this would all blow over. She only had a year and half left of school then she'd get a job in the wizarding world or the muggle. Lily counted dimples on the hospital wing ceiling then tried to sync her counts to each second in a minute. She was bored, she wanted to solve pi but realized she didn't know past three significant figures: 3.14… what was next?
Lily wished she had her textbooks so she could work on homework. She even wished she had Alice…Alice entered the hospital wing.
No, never mind. She wished she had ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.
"Good morning, Sunflower!" Alice cooed. "Aren't I a sight for sore eyes? Especially since I'm your first guest since Snape."
Normally, Lily would've defended Severus. But not today, she was peeved at him
"I hope you have ice cream under your robes," she mumbled.
"Not for breakfast…" Alice smirked evilly. "But if you like I can send Jasmine, or should I say James, up here with some."
"Excuse me?" Lily cried.
"I can't believe you and Jasmine?" Alice cried. "I can't believe I never saw this coming? Well—Jasmine maybe? But you, Lily? I'm your friend, why didn't you tell me this about you?"
"I'm not…" what was Alice talking about? "Wait…do you think I'm attracted to girls?"Lily asked.
"Honestly," Alice said, "I haven't a clue. But everyone knows you went on a date with Jasmine, er sort of—with boy Jasmine, James."
"What is she saying about this?" Lily asked desperately. Lily had been expecting the rumors but that didn't mean she wanted to them to exist.
"Not a lot that makes sense," Alice said. "They moved her from the girl's dorm to the boy's dorm and she still has that spell on her—the one that makes her a boy. She says she plans to keep it on and that we should call her James. McGonagall even called her Mr. Potter. It was the strangest morning ever."
Lily didn't know how to take that. Jasmine wanted to remain as James? For how long? Lily's belief that this was a prank orchestrated to humiliate her was weakening, ridiculous as those thoughts were; she didn't want to acknowledge the unknown, if it wasn't a prank.
"Wow," Lily said trying to reach for words. She felt like the poison effects were coming back, silly thought yes.
"So you didn't know?" Alice asked and Lily shook her head. "What happened?"
Lily shrugged. "Nothing really," She lied. "Spell wore off and there was Jasmine. That's it really."
Alice nodded. "I'm sorry, Lily." Alice said.
Lily shrugged.
Alice remained quiet and Lily was grateful. Alice could be a real friend sometimes—
"One day, you'll find your own Frank Longbottom," Alice soothed. "We're not all lucky at love on the first go."
"Alice, be quiet," Lily replied. "I was almost enjoying your company." They laughed and Lily was grateful. Somehow her relationship with Alice had become easier then with Severus.
.
.
.
Lily was released that night and she ran straight up to the girl's dorm which now only had two beds. Lily told herself, she wasn't hiding. She was just tired and she needed to study. Yeah that was it. She needed to catch up on work so that she can get good grades and become head girl.
The missing bed was jarring though but Lily avoided acknowledging that side of the room. She didn't even want to talk to Alice despite ending the good note their earlier conversation ended on. Instead she pulled her arithmancy book and looked up pi: 3.1415926 and so on.
After that, she pulled out her potions book and began analyzing the ingredients in Barrufio's Brain Elixer and what their purpose was. The repetition of cross referencing ingredients for their natural attributes slowly put Lily to sleep amongst her books.
The next morning, Lily was woken by Alice who was singing a Celestina Warbeck song. Lily groaned. Alice wasn't particularly talented in the music department.
"Why are you so chipper?" Lily asked and rolled over onto her side. "It's morning."
"Winter break starts in a few weeks," Alice gushed. She had her infamous curlers in and was wearing a pink fluffy bathrobe. "And I'm spending it at the Longbottom's place. It'll be so romantic."
Lily grunted. She would just be going home to another awkward holiday with her sister and her parents playing referee but maybe a break was what she needed. She slowly crawled out of bed. The room felt different now that they were down to two. Lily proceeded with her daily regiment in the bathroom, taking extra long to push back the inevitable. Finally she decided any longer would look too obvious and she ventured from the girls dorm to the common room. There were a few stragglers. Some wished her well and Lily was thankful that that was all they said.
In the Great Hall, things were a different matter. Nobody noticed Lily's release from the hospital wing, which made Lily wonder if they even noticed she had been gone in the first place. Taking a seat by Alice, she began to notice that everyone was whispering and sneaking glances towards the end if they Gryffindor table. Glancing down Lily gasped when she saw James. He was staring at her and then quickly turned away. Sirius who was sitting beside him turned to Lily and caught her eye. Lily didn't know what he was trying to tell her but she turned away before he could lose his temper again.
Lily turned to Alice and hissed, "You told me to expect this, but I still can't believe it."
Alice nodded. "It's unreal, right?"
Classes were much the same. James was the center of the universe and Lily was quite surprised with how most students took the news. Of course some people still had their reservations, but others were more fascinated by the complex magic that James—Jasmine—had to weave to achieve for a full sex transformation. Of course, James was also an animagus though most people didn't know that.
The marauders appeared closer than ever now that James moved into their dorms, the pranks seemed to have quieted since everyone had their eyes on them but the way they interacted, especially Sirius and James, seemed to have taken a step more intimate. As if Jasmine was letting him in, in ways she always seemed to push him away before. It was no secret Sirius had a crush on Jasmine and while they didn't appear romantic, it was obvious they were closer.
Lily still felt put out about this but as days passed and no one made comments about the night of the slug club party; Lily began to think that no one was putting one and one together. Did they not realize that Lily and James had dated? Was James deflecting attention off of her? Was he protecting her?
Lily felt overwhelmed at that thought.
After a week Lily finally accepted that James Potter's existence wasn't a joke but that Jasmine actually wanted to become a man and with her spell, she did. Lily had never met anyone who felt that way and while her fascination with James Potter was powerful due to their previous relationship, she was also curious to what these feelings that Jasmine or James had and what they meant.
The library had little answers; there were few transfiguration spells that tackled the entire body as a whole where as individual body parts could be transfigured at a time. Metamorphosis' also had the ability to transform their body parts to resemble features of the opposite gender, however, there was no recorded case of anyone transforming all the way. There was of course glamour charms but that kind of magic sat on top of the skin. Then there were the potions. Polyjuice of course popped up, but it had its limitations. The drinker only had an hour and the transformation wasn't unique but rather a copy of another human being. It was quite fascinating. Lily thought that Jasmine—James, she needed to call him James from now on—should write a book.
Lily decided to try the muggle word that Sirius had thrown at her that fateful night. Jasmine had scrunched up her face in confusion. She didn't recognize the word either. Lily had to wonder where Sirius had heard it.
Lily couldn't find anything and after an awkward conversation with Madame Pince, Lily couldn't find anything. Instead she finally broke down and wrote her mother.
Her mother, being muggle, would have access to muggle libraries and Sirius said that 'transgender' was a muggle word. Lily didn't mention James in her letter when she decided to write her mother. She just told her that it was for a project.
Her mother took a whole week in getting back to her and the wait was killing her. In the meanwhile, she continued to send James quiet looks. Sometimes she'd catch him staring back to which he promptly blushed and turned away.
Lily still had mixed emotions towards James, but in those moments she felt most strongly endearment and regret.
James Potter was making her life confusing but Severus was making it difficult. He was giving her the silent treatment. In potions they didn't partner up, instead he'd move to Marco Pucey's table. The same Marco Pucey who called her a pug face mudblood in Hosmeade last year. Sometimes in the hallways, Lily would smile to Severus but he'd turn away and pretend he couldn't see her.
How do you fix this friendship? Was Lily suppose to apologize but for what? She didn't think he did anything wrong. Was a blanket apology all that he needed? Let whatever perceived trespass she committed towards their friendship get swept under? Then again, he was suddenly 'buddy-buddy' with Marco who was openly prejudice towards her, but that was just the loneliness speaking.
Lily didn't like how things were turning out. A few weeks ago, Severus was her best friend and Jasmine was her roommate whose goal in life was to annoy her with pranks. Now everything was up in the air and she was worried where they would land.
Eventually Lily's mom wrote back and she had a brown package knotted to the owl's foot. Lily collected package and ran to her room to begin reading. Lily was amazed with the books her mother sent her: Transgender: A guide to Easy Transition and Manual for Family Members, The Big Transition, Journey of Gender: Crossing the Metaphorical Bridge, and My Body and Me.
Lily flipped through them and fingered a few pages interestedly. She decided on Journey of Gender: Crossing the Metaphorical Bridge and read the table of contents. Key words jumping out at her: body vs. mind, gender identity, gender dysphoria, transgender, transsexual.
Lily signed and realized this would take a couple of hours to get through. It was interesting to Lily that this muggle condition seemed to fit James so well, though he acted as if he was has never heard of the word before that night in the woods. Transgender people felt like they were born to the wrong body. Muggles had recently taken to using hormones as a form of treatment. James had taken it a step further, in a way, when he had created that spell all the while cutting out he physical transition period. The cold hard science and statistics at some point in the book bled into personal stories and Lily found those had more valuable information.
Parents had talked about their children and how a trans-child changed the home and sadly sometimes for the worse as the family had trouble adjusting to the changes, and some trans-people told stories how their family disowned them or failed to recognize who they truly were. There were some happier stories about family acceptance and relationships outside of the familiar bond. Lily hoped James family responded more like the later but she had heard some stores about his mother, and his father was a respected warlock…she hoped for the best.
There was a section on people telling tales about romantic relations and she was inspired by how open minded these people were to put social conditioning aside, in some cases,and allow for a human experience to happen. Lily looked back and wished she kept her composure better. Maybe if she had known more back then, she and James might be talking now. James kept staring at her and looking away when he thought he had been caught.
With him turned away Lily found herself observing him more. She could see her James potter there, undoubtedly, if not a little more subdued. The marauders had cooled off from the pranks. Lily almost wished they would pull one, at least to make things seem more normal.
She could also see Jasmine in there, as well. Before she knew the truth, Lily had initially chalked it up to them being cousins...little did she know.
Lily chuckled, feeling surprisingly relaxed when she thought about this. When she looked over at James he turned to watch her and when their eyes met he turned away. Lily couldn't see his blush.
The next few days Lily finished all of the books and found herself wishing she could talk to James...well she could talk to James... But she wanted to find out more first. She still had trouble joining the image of the two halves but over time Jasmine's strong presence subsided as James became more incorporated into Hogwarts.
Maybe she should talk to him and apologize.
Eventually Lily found herself in the library with a few books talking about gender transformations whether from spells or potions. Even those methods weren't as seemingly amazing as James' spell but then again there were repercussions such as week bones and hormonal imbalances. She hoped James didn't suffer these. He was essentially the beta for his spell. Who knows what the long lasting effects his spell had?
.
.
.
Lily eventually mailed the muggle books back to her mother with a quick note of thanks. She decided to try the school library again and with the help from Madame Pince, she found several books pertaining to body transformations.
Lily had a favorite seat in the library, and she usually claimed it when it was available. She knew Remus was no stranger to studying. Sometimes he would sit with her and they would study together. So she wasn't surprised when he sat down at a table not too far from her, but she was surprised to see James and Sirius with him. They both sat down and pulled out their books and parchments. Lily watched them for a moment before turning back to her books. She could talk to James now. She should. Whatever their relationship was—friendship or lovers—it deserved some closure and Lily had a lot of feelings to express.
Lily looked up from her book to see James walking towards her. Okay, so choice was taken away from her but, in a way, she was glad. She was a coward like that. She scrambled to close her books just as James stood before her.
They sat there silently and awkward. Crickets chirping in the background...
"Er...hi?" James said.
"Hi," Lily responded. Stupid, she mentally yelled. Say something!
"Can I sit?" He asked.
She nodded. Say something...say something... Her hands were nervously fingering the pages of her books. She hated feeling awkward. She had wanted to talk to James and now she couldn't. She glared, mad at herself. Just say the first thing that pops in to your head. She glanced up at James and he was staring.
"You're always watching me. Why?"
Not that, Lily. She moaned. Did she have to sound so accusatory?
"Because..." He looked like he was about to say something huge before he exhaled. "Because I wanted to make sure you were alright."
"Even before all this happened you stared at me a lot." Even as Jasmine. There was the time Jasmine had come up to the dorm and Lily had been snuggling James' jacket...oh, Jasmine's jacket. How embarrassing. Lily blushed. But then Jasmine had stared at her a lot over the years. Lily never would have guessed it was related to attraction but hindsight was 20/20.
James was blushing and Lily felt horrible.
"That was you all this time..." She moaned. "All this time...I feel like such an idiot."
How unobservant was she? Wasn't she supposed to be smart?
"Sorry," he said pathetically.
Lily sighed deeply and tried to compose herself again. The past was the past. James lied about his identity; she had already come to terms with that. Time to move on.
"I noticed you're in the boy's dormitory now," she said. How anyone couldn't notice was beyond her.
"Yeah it's definitely for the best," he said relaxing a bit and Lily felt better. "I'm actually relieved."
"Alice is kind of upset about this, but mostly that you've seen her in her undergarments."
"I know and she won't let me forget it." He bemoaned. "It's not like I enjoyed it or anything. It's Alice."
"What about me?" Had he seen her in her undergarments?
"Trick question you never undressed out of the bathroom."
Lily blew out some air and James chucked. She was pretty conservative.
"But I would say I would've enjoyed it." Lily immediately smacked his shoulder and laughed feeling flattered. James laughed with her and Lily liked how natural everything felt. They sent smiles at each other.
"So…I noticed you haven't run from me yet, are you still mad at me?"
Lily sighed. "I don't know. Maybe?" Except no not really. Not anymore.
"I've been reading about transgender people."
"They have books in that subject here?" He asked.
Lily shrugged not bothering to mention the muggle books. "Not specifically, and not a lot" she gestured to the library books. "It's a bit archaic, though. It has nothing like the spell you've created. Though one book talked about a potion people take. It's like a polyjuice potion but a bit different. Its duration depends on the freshness of the frog brain but it can cause muscle and bone problems in the long run. What about yours? Do you know how it will affect you?"
He shrugged. "Honestly never thought about it. I wouldn't imagine so, though. It's not like Animagus suffer those problems later in life."
Lily sighed at that and fluttered her eyelashes. She had spent so much time focusing on James's gender she had completely forgotten his other secret that happened to be illegal.
James potter, the stag.
"Yeah about that," Lily said, "That's illegal, you know."
He shrugged and Lily wanted to hit his shoulder again but refrained, "When have we ever followed the rules?"
"Insufferable," She sighed, though not without some endearment.
"That's me to a 'T'," he smirked. "But then I wouldn't be me if I wasn't."
"You could get caught," She said. She felt like her old self when she was yelling at the marauders. "And then get sent to Azkaban—"
"Well, they won't catch us," he said. "You worry too much."
"You don't worry at all," She snapped. Stupid boys. Stupid marauders. "This is all so serious and you just don't care."
"Because I'm learning not to be afraid to get what I want," He sighed. He glanced at her and then surprised her when he reached for his hand. He reached out for her hand. "I don't have to think about what I want."
Lily stared at their hands. She was impressed with how forward he was especially after two weeks if silence from her but she was also flattered that he still had feelings for her. And if Lily was honest, she couldn't deny that maybe she still felt something for him. "James…"
"Can you forgive me…can we at least be friends?" he asked. She could be friends, she was being friendly now...but she could be more. She stared at James and took in his messy hair, straight nose. His eyes were gazing at her from behind clumsy glasses, his hand warm on top of her. There was something beautiful about this.
"James…" she liked the way his shoulders shook softy when she said his name.
"Lily."
But it also frightened her. She loved him but she had spent two weeks being angry at him. Her anger was hard to let go.
She closed her books and stood up. He gazed at her a little hopeless. She had to make a choice. If she walked away from him, that was it. No more. Whatever her feelings were, anger, desire, forgiveness, she'd forfeit her right to him. But if she stayed, they could find happiness.
She grabbed his tie and pulled him forward. He flailed awkwardly but relaxed when she kissed him. At some point his hands wrapped around her waist and her hands loosened on his tie and moved towards his shoulders.
She broke the kiss and said "Okay". She felt silly and the kiss said enough but she felt she had to verbalize her response anyway.
He pulled her back for another kiss and she let him.