It's just that sometimes, she feels like she's second when it comes to writing. And, well, she's a black belt, so she does understand, what it feels like – having a passion. But she's stopped fighting and throwing men onto the tatami just for him, because, yeah, now she's a wife and she's not exactly confident about her looks, anyway, so she needs to behave and be quiet and clean well. That's what being a wife is, right?
Because Shujin doesn't seem to care whether she wears hoop earrings or sleeps with the sexiest nightgown she can find – but he does offer her a smile when she cleans up the studio. And it sucks. It just – really sucks, because her heart explodes and withers and dies for him every single minute of every single day – and she can go on and on about this, because just because she sucks at writing doesn't mean she can't get to be a poet. But it's like his heart beats for pen and he has ink running in his veins; and her father always did want a hot-blooded man for her, so she isn't sure where Shujin fits into this equation.
Sometimes when he's half-asleep, half-awake, drooling over the name for the manga, or drooling over whatever projects he has inside his genius head of his, Kaya goes up to him, and asks him whether he loves her a lot or – and she can't bring herself to finish, because if in the end he doesn't like her, because, if in the end, he just married her out of need or luck or lust –
Well. She doesn't think she'll be able to handle the disappointment. And that's why Kaya keeps trying and choking on words, because she's deathly afraid that he values something over her. Because Shujin knows that she loves him most in the world, and Kaya doesn't go kissing random boys, no siree, and she certainly doesn't go marrying them either, and he better appreciate what he has because, sure, he might have that black-haired – the one with a stick up her ass – after him, but that doesn't mean anything. She refuses to believe. She refuses to believe that, because when the lies finally reach their end—if they reach their end; or if there are any lies at all, of course, her mother did always teach her to think positive about everything—she doesn't know what else there is for her to do.
It's just that sometimes, she feels like a filler character in his life, and that's not really supposed to happen, is it?