Title: Sharing Secrets
Authors: Seriously Guys
Pairing: Stan/Kenny, Cartman/Butters
Rating: PG13
Summary: Chaos ensues at Cartman and Butters' committment ceremony.

"You guys, seriously, I have big news."

"What is it, fatass?" Kyle responded, grunting.

"No need for name calling," Cartman replied. "I just want to tell you guys all about my new friend."

"You have a friend?" I said, pausing. "That's not one of us three?"

"Shut up, Kenny." Cartman looked pissed. "This isn't just any friend. It's a special friend."

"You mean, a girlfriend?" Stan asked. "Well, it's about time, Cartman. I knew you would find someone before we graduated high school." Stan patted Cartman on the back, trying to be reassuring.

"Is she a fatass like you?" Kyle added.

"No, she is not fatass. In fact, she is not a she at all. You guys, I'm gay."

I started laughing. He had to be kidding, right? I mean, Cartman, gay, that's hilarious. Kyle and Stan just stood there with their mouths open.

Stan interrupted my laughter. "Dude, you're kidding , right?"

"I am not kidding."

"Well, who is he?" Kyle asked in a very serious tone.

"It's Butters." Cartman replied.

--

That was five years ago. Now here we all were at Butters and Carman's commitment ceremony. I was sitting between Wendy and Stan, which was exceptionally awkward. It was actually a sizeable affair, by the dock at Stark's Pond. Butters had obviously made most of the aesthetic decisions. If Cartman had his way there would have been a circus theme and I'm sure a Ferris wheel would've made an appearance somewhere.

"Hi, Kenny, how have you been?" Wendy asked, placing her pocketbook surreptitiously under her seat.

"I've been good. I'm thinking of starting an organic farm near Conifer. We're going to have a goat."

"Really?" Wendy asked.

"No, I'm just kidding. I've been working at the bar here to pay off my student loans."

Stan just glared at me. He hated it when I made shit up just to piss people off. Ironically, it was because of him that I had to lie the most.

Yeah, you guessed it, Stan and I were sleeping together, and nobody could know. I was fine with the arrangement, actually, because I feel like the whole town would hate me if they knew.

It all started that night five years ago, after Cartman had come out of the closet. Stan had decided to sleep over at my place because his parents were having some sort of party.

--

"Kenny?" Stan asked. It was a warm night, so we decided to camp out in the backyard. Another factor was the smell of cat urine and vomit that permeated the walls of my house. It was worse on warm nights like that night.

We were lying next to each other in sleeping bags, staring at the stars above us. "Yes, Stan?" I answered. It was all very romantic, but that was not intentional.

"I can't believe Cartman and Butters are dating."

"It won't last. Cartman will get sick of him soon enough."

"I don't know, Kenny. Cartman wouldn't come out to us unless he was really sure about it."

"Oh, I'm sure it's just part of one of his schemes."

"Dude, he hasn't had a scheme in like two years."

"I know, joining the band has really helped him channel his energy into something positive."

"Yeah, but he still sucks at the sousaphone." We both started laughing. Cartman's last sousaphone recital was amazingly horrible and we both recalled it like it was yesterday. Butters had been the only one who cheered, and now it suddenly made a lot sense.

We both sighed. "Did you ever think Cartman was gay?" Stan asked.

"Well, I knew he definitely had something up his butt."

"No, seriously."

"Well, I don't think it doesn't make sense. I mean, Butters, that one's obvious."

"Yeah. Now I feel kind of bad for calling him a fag all the time."

"I know, you can't do that anymore."

Stan turned over onto his side and looked at me. "Kenny, have you ever thought about, you know, a guy?"

"Me?" I asked, doubtfully. The truth was, I had. I had fantasized about Stan for as long as I could remember. I, of course, never acted upon it, and I wasn't about to do anything now. "Uh, no. Of course not. That's sick, dude."

"Yeah," Stan replied, "but, still, I've thought about it before."

"Really? You, Stan?"

"Yeah. It's not a big deal. I've just thought about it before. Don't tell anybody."

"I won't. Who do you think about?"

"That, I am not sharing with you, my friend."

"Why not? I tell you everything."

"I don't think you do."

"Well, maybe not everything. Just tell me, I promise not to judge."

"I'm not telling you."

"Come o-on!" I whined, "Fine, I'm just going to guess."

"I'm not going to tell you, even if you guess. And who says it's someone we know?"

"It's someone we know. I'm sure of it. Is it Cartman?"

"Ew. Fuck no."

"Is it Clyde?"

"No."

"Is it Craig?"

Stan shook his head.

"Token? Tweek? Pip?"

He kept shaking his head no.

"I know who it is," I joked. "It's the sexiest guy in the grade, Kenny McCormick."

Stan blushed.

"Oh my god. It is me!" I said, probably louder than I should have.

"No, it's not, dude."

"Stan, I can't believe you never told me about this before."

"There's nothing to tell, fucktard." He started screwing up his face. He was so cute when he was upset.

"Stan, it's cool. I've actually thought about you like that before too."

"You have?"

--

Five years later and here we were sitting purposely not next to each other at a gay wedding. Well, commitment ceremony, but whatever. "Stan, have you been up to anything interesting?" Wendy asked in her most annoying tone.

"Not really, I'm just living at home and working part-time at Tom's Rhinoplasty.

"Oh, do you know Courtney? I think she works there."

"Yeah, I know her," he replied. I could swear I saw him rolling his eyes, but if he was it was extremely subtle.

"I think she's really pretty," Wendy added. Things were really awkward for the two of them. They had dated on and off in high school, mostly off though. That was one of the problems of living in a small town, not many people to get your rocks off with.

Stan was rescued from this awkward moment by the female minister. She wore a name tag that read, "Hello My Name Is Rayma," I almost burst out laughing.

"We are gathered here today…" she began, after clearing her throat into the microphone for about two minutes before everyone finally shushed up.

The ceremony was fairly uneventful. When Reverend Rayma asked if anybody had any objections, surprisingly nobody stood up. I thought I saw Dr. Mephesto start to, but then he stopped and pretended he was just adjusting his pants.

Everything went pretty smoothly. Their kiss at the end was a tad over the top, and Butters grabbing Cartman's ass was totally uncalled for, I thought. The reception was held immediately afterwards. Cartman had put Stan with him at the head table and Kyle at the kids' table. I was at a table with Wendy (ugh), Bebe, Craig, Tweek, Clyde, Token, and a bunch of Butters' older cousins. Poor Kyle, he looked royally pissed off.

I was kind of relieved I didn't have to sit with Stan. It was really hard to fake not being with him when he was so close. These were precisely the people he didn't want to know about us, the people at this table. I just had to get through a few more hours of this and then I'd have him at home in my bed … all to myself.

My mind was wandering. I had to stop it. Thank god there was an open bar at this shindig…