Dedication: To ToManyLetters. I know we haven't always gotten along the best, but I just wanted to say thank you for always helping out with the RL, for knowing how to fix my technical problems, for being Mr Encyclopaedia, and for just generally being good for a chat. Good luck on your trip ...
The Journey Ahead
"James," Lily called, poking her head around the door and gasping in shock. "Why aren't you ready yet?" James sat in front of the mirror, the reflection of his weary features marred by a smear of something Lily didn't even want to contemplate – the Marauders were far from known for their cleanliness – and she couldn't help but notice that his hair was disheveled, his tie was askew and his shoes lay beside the unmade bed. He glanced at his girlfriend with an expression of utmost disbelief.
"Is it a crime to not be dressed when graduation isn't for another two hours?" There was an infinite sadness that his jovial tone couldn't quite mask, but if Lily picked up on it, she kept her mouth tightly sealed.
Instead, she crossed the room in two strides, before wrapping her arms around his and leaning down to place her head on his shoulder. "Of course it's not a crime," she said with a laugh, shaking her head and allowing her auburn curls to cascade down his chest. "Personally, I find it quite endearing, though whether or not Professor McGonagall will think the same way, I'm not entirely sure."
"Of course she'll be proud," James replied, "I can't help it if everyone loves me."
Had James said that two years ago, he would have felt nothing more than various hexes and insults ringing in his ears, but now, he felt a pair of lips, soft and smooth, against his own, and a familiar tingle that had nothing to do with a Jelly Legs Jinx.
"Why aren't you dressed, anyway?" Lily asked curiously, straightening herself up and grinning at him. "Even Sirius is in the Great Hall talking to Andromeda, who's turned up to watch him – her daughter seems quite besotted with Remus, by the way – and we all know how hard it is to get him out of bed before midday, without the lure of pancakes or bacon."
Why wasn't he ready? That was actually quite a good question, and yet, it was one that he found impossible to answer. He supposed that the obvious answer was that he wanted time to himself, time to ponder what leaving Hogwarts really meant, beyond freedom. There was more to it though: he, the legendary James Potter, was afraid.
"You're nervous, aren't you?" Lily asked; it was etched into his eyes, into his half-hearted smile.
"Of course not."
"Don't lie James," she replied, "it's obvious. I can hear it in your voice, and I wasn't going to bring it up, but James, it's graduation, and you're Head Boy." At any other time, James would have snorted at Lily's love of authority and her priorities, but now, it seemed that she should be snorting at him for being such an open book.
There was a lengthy pause, in which James couldn't help but wonder exactly why he was so worried about venturing beyond Hogwarts' four walls. Wasn't this what he'd always dreamed of, all those times when he and Sirius had mused about getting drunk every night in their own flat and running around at full moon without worrying about teachers?
"What have you got to worry about, anyway?" Lily continued. "This is what you and Sirius have always wanted, to be out there in the real world on your own."
"But what if we're not ready," James replied, "what if we don't' know what to do, what if we fail?"
"Is that all you're worried about? Seriously."
James nodded, feeling the rush of emotions catching up to him. This was all he'd wanted for the last seven years, and now, he couldn't handle it.
"What if we get caught up in the war? What if we can't afford a house? What if -"
"It's natural to be scared. How do you think I felt when I first came here, when I barely knew anything about magic? You've just got to deal with it James, and see what happens. It's about living."
James still wasn't convinced but, with one final sigh, he nodded.
"Of course it's about living, Lily," he said with a laugh; it sounds hollow, not at all like his usual chuckles. "But we've been living with food and safety and guarantees for the last seven years, and now -"
"Now we're leaving all that, and it's going to be the time of our lives. Why don't you get that James? Don't be scared, leaving school isn't going to kill us."
"Of course not. That's ridiculous."
Lily's intensive was almost burning him as she wrapped her arm around his shoulder once again. James stroked it gently, reveling in the feel of her soft skin. He still wasn't convinced, but having her arm around him, and knowing that she cared, it made him feel slightly better.
"You'd better go," he said, "let me get dressed and all, and, for the love of Merlin, pry Sirius away from those pancakes."
--
With one final nervous cough, he nodded at Lily, who pushed him out of his seat. He stumbled up the aisle – how he didn't trip was beyond him, because he was shaking too much to focus on his feet – and stood behind the podium. He could almost feel the sweat dripping from his forehead, and he laughed, because he'd been the best at everything for seven years, and he couldn't even make a simple speech.
"I came here today with a pre-written speech about how I wished you all the best of luck – yes, even the Slytherins, although I still haven't forgiven you for winning the Quidditch cup – and how the last seven years have been magical, if you'll excuse the pun." He paused while his friends tittered and chuckled, Sirius' laughter the loudest by far, much to Andromeda's embarrassment. Glancing around at the crowd, he caught McGonagall's eye first, and he swore he could see a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, then Remus', who grinned encouragingly, and finally, he took a fleeting look at Lily, who gave him a reassuring nod.
"But really, it's not about that. It's got nothing to do with who won Quidditch games and who played ring around the boyfriend, anymore than it has anything to do with who's going to be come a Healer and who's going to end up in Azkaban. Of course I hope that doesn't happen at all, but you never know … It's all about how you feel. This," he laughed, holding his crumpled speech up in front of him, "is rubbish."
Before he really knew what he was doing, his fingers tore at the edges of the parchment; he could feel how coarse it was against his fingertips. They continued to shred it, scraps falling like snowflakes, scattering themselves about his feet. Ignoring the shocked gaps of the crowd, he continued, and now, he truly knew that he believed in what he was saying.
"Who here is scared of leaving Hogwarts today," he asked his fellow students, his hazel eyes skipping across their faces. It was obvious that they were all experiencing some sort of trepidation, but that none of them wished to mention it. "It's normal, we should be scared. I'm scared." There were a few murmurs of astonishment, but it seemed that, by now, most people had taken this most unusual speech and all its twists and turns in their stride, and sometimes, with James Potter, that was all you could do. "No-one knows what's out there, what we're going to be facing. Hogwarts may have taught us a lot of things, we may all know exactly how to mix a sleeping draught and banish a dictionary, but it wasn't designed to teach us how to deal with the outside world. We have to discover that ourselves. So, going back to my original speech -" he pointed at the scraps of paper that littered the ground, causing several people to chuckle, "- I wish you all the best of luck doing that, and GO GRYFFINDOR!"
And as he scurried back down the aisle, with hundreds of eyes on his back and the feeling of his heart leaving his throat and subsiding back into his chest, James couldn't help but look forward to the journey ahead.
This was written for the Going Away Challenge at the Sober Universe, which was dedicated to ToManyLetters. I really wanted to focus on James' characterisation for this one, so if it's even the slightest bit off, let me know. In the meantime, for those of you who are on my alerts list, I am working on my other stories, but school has been a real downer lately -curses maths homework- and I haven't had a lot of time to write.