Sorry people. When I first published this, it was 2am, so I had missed quite a few errors; but Of Concrete Angels has been re-edited for better enjoyment.
Warning: Onesided AkuRoku. Rated M for angst and character death.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or Martina McBrides song Concrete Angel.
Of Concrete Angels:
You see, there's this friend, Roxas, I've had for years. My best friend in fact, and we'd been so since 5th grade. So that's, what; five years? Yeah, we were sophomores back then.
Well, for a while, I'd had more than 'friendly' thoughts about Roxas, if you know what I mean.
I lo- liked my best friend, big whoop. You see, I wouldn't have cared in the slightest, but for one– no, two– things; we're both guys. I realized that I was gay for my best friend, Roxas.
I know that it's supposed to be wrong, but I don't understand how something so… pure, can be bad. I adored everything about Roxas; the way his azure eyes sparkled when he laughed, the way he'd sit for hours and sketch, the way his eyebrows arched whenever he was in deep concentration, the way the light caught his blond hair and made it shine like pale gold. Though the thing I liked most about Roxas, had to be his light. The boy practically glowed with this ethereal luminescence; it made you want to get closer to him, if only to bask in his light.
I didn't want to ruin what I had, so I'd been hiding my growing affection; by being the best friend I could be. Everything had been fine; I'd slipped up here and there, but nothing that I couldn't fix.
So life was going great, or as great as life can be, when I went away last summer.
I still wish that I had never gone on that vacation.
When I got back just before the beginning of term, Roxas had gotten real quiet. I asked what was bothering him, but he just shrugged it away and changed the subject. I couldn't figure out what would cause him to just… fade. He didn't laugh anymore, and when he did smile, it never reached his eyes. Those beautiful dark blue eyes, that were one of my favorite things about the blond, were echoingly empty. Roxas had lost his light, and I didn't know what caused it.
I should have seen it, I should have guessed. There were clues everywhere; I guess I just wanted to believe that everything was fine, even when the evidence was right in front of my face.
The first clue I missed, was his clothing. Roxas had always been a shorts & tank sort of guy, in the summer anyways; when I came back, Roxas wore long, baggy jeans and jackets. Looking back, I don't think he ever took off his shirt. Not swimming in the local pool, or changing in the gym.
Yes, there were other things; how he delayed going home, how he shied away from any physical contact, or how he would miss school almost twice a month.
So life continued, albeit slightly differently then it had before. There was school, homework, partying, more school, more homework, a little less partying, it was almost like last year; almost. The only problem was that Roxas' light was gone, and I was busy pretending that things were as they'd always been.
The signs were there, but I refused to acknowledge them; that would have meant that something was wrong. Not that it helped, in the end.
--(linelinelinelinelineline)--
It was a normal day, or an almost normal day; and somehow or another, Roxas and I got into a fight. It was something stupid, something petty. Words were said; cruel words, words that weren't meant, but he didn't know that.
I was worried; my heart was beginning to feel what my eyes refused to see. 'Roxas, I know something is seriously wrong; can't you tell me?' Only it didn't come out like that.
"What the hell is wrong with you Roxas!? Ever since summer you've been acting a whiny bitch!" My fear was driving, but all I was doing was mowing Roxas down.
"Shut up! You don't know anything!" He was right; I didn't know anything
"I know that you're a sorry bitch of a friend!" I didn't mean those words; I never meant to say them.
"Then maybe I should leave!" He was angry, but I was beginning to recognize that it was just a mask; too bad my mouth didn't listen to my brain.
"Maybe you should!" Why did I say that to him? Was it anger, or was it fear that chased those words from my lips?
"It's not like anyone will miss me!" With those words hanging in the air, he turned and ran; I was later telling myself that those weren't tears on his cheeks.
I realized I had made a mistake; a big mistake. I knew the only thing to do would be to apologize, and ask for his forgiveness. I never got the chance.
--(linelinelinelinelineline)--
That was the worst day in my life, the day my eyes were opened. I was sitting on a bench in the park, trying to work out what I was going to say to Roxas, when my phone rang.
"Hello?" I was so naïve. I was hoping that Roxas had called to talk about our fight last night.
"Is this Axel Kage?" I was greatly disappointed that it wasn't Roxas' light voice, but the heavy baritone of an older man.
"Yes, I'm Axel." I was confused; why was this stranger calling me? If only I had known.
"You are a friend of Roxas Hikari?" That's when I first felt that something might be wrong.
"Yes, Roxas is my best… friend." My voice trailed away, memories of my harsh words making me wince. Shaking the thoughts from me, I had returned to the conversation. "Who are you? And why are you calling me about Roxas?"
"I'm Police Chief Ferrell. I'm calling because you're listed as Roxas' emergency contact." I felt my blood freeze at his words. I was scared, terrified for my blond companion.
"We need you to come to the station immediately." I don't think I'd ever run so fast in my life; my feet practically flew over the pavement. I'd barely gotten to the station and gasped out my name, when the blond-haired, blue-eyed secretary ushered me into an office. I didn't notice when she closed the door behind me, I was too worried about Roxas.
"Wha- what happened?! Is Roxas alright?!" I almost wish I hadn't heard the answer.
After a sigh, the dark-haired Police Chief spoke, "Roxas Hikari was found dead this morning-." I don't remember what else the Police Chief had said; I wasn't paying attention. I felt my heart dying in my chest.
Chief Ferrell kept asking me questions, which I automatically kept answering. I can't describe exactly how painful it was, first thinking how it couldn't be true, but realizing that it must be; that sent me spiraling down, guilty over the words we had thrown at one another.
Roxas had cut his wrists, bleeding himself to death. Though, as the Chief put it, things were more complicated than that, for Roxas' body was covered with bruises and cuts. He had been beaten; violently and often. The police had made some calls to the neighbors and they admitted to hearing Mr. Hikari yelling; usually along the lines of, "Stupid boy! I'll teach you to talk back to me!"
To this day, I don't understand why Roxas never told me. I would have helped; I could have at least been there for him, but I was hiding what was inside, just like he was.
--(linelinelinelinelineline)--
I cried. I don't really remember the time between Roxas' death and his funeral, just that I cried and cried until exhaustion made me drop where I stood; barely eating, never talking, just crying and staring into space.
I think some of our other friends came; they tried to comfort me, but they didn't know just how deep my pain went. Not even the news of Mr. Hikari's arrest made me feel better; that's how deep my depression went.
I've come to remember those weeks as the Time of Tears.
--(linelinelinelinelineline)--
The funeral was painful affair, but what's to be expected? It's someone you care for, someone who's no longer with you, who they're putting into the ground.
It was a crisp, bright day in early spring; it painfully reminded me about the things I had loved about Roxas. The air was cool and clear, like the words from his mouth. The cloudless sky was wide and blue, like the sparkling sapphires that were Roxas' eyes. And the sun; the sun was bright but, unlike Roxas, it gave little warmth.
Speeches were said, tears were shed, and the casket was lowered into the ground. I hated thinking about Roxas being in that box, under the soil. Roxas didn't belong under the dirt, where someone could walk over him. He belonged in the open air, like the rest of us. He belonged in school, at the library where he worked part time; he belonged with me.
All of Roxas' friends and family came; cousins and co-workers, uncles and classmates. Most of them left soon after the ceremony, their grief and horror drove them away; mine made me stay.
After a while, it was just me and Roxas, just like always. I sat by the feet of the concrete angel that was his headstone; it was beautiful, and eerily similar to the boy who rested below it. I looked away from the statues upturned face and silently read the inscription.
Roxas Hikari
1992-2008
Gone before his time.
He will be greatly missed.
I didn't know whether to laugh, or cry at those last words; I probably did both.
For you see, Roxas had, with his own blood, written a message on the walls of his bedroom.
No one would miss me.
I can't express how much I wished to tell him otherwise. I wanted to shout, to scream, anything so he could hear me tell him that it's not true, that I would miss him for as long as I lived. I longed for one chance, one chance to apologize and mend the rift that my words had caused.
I wished for the chance to have told Roxas that I loved him.
Before I left, I placed two roses at the angel's feet; one white, to represent the purity of my love, and one black, to represent my grief over his death.
Black and white were his favorite colors, and I brought him roses in those two colors everyday for a whole year.
--(linelinelinelinelineline)--
It's been years, since I lost my best friend. I'm much older now, and a little wiser. I've a good paying job, a few great friends, no family to speak of, and many regrets.
I regret less than I did that day ten years ago, when Roxas was placed in the ground, and they still hurt; but I'm on the mend. Slowly, ever so slowly, my heart is coming together again, but it will always be missing that all-important piece.
I know that I'm a fool for dwelling on the past, for wanting to undo the done. I know that Roxas isn't coming back; I accept that. I also accept that I can't deny myself love, simply for Roxas.
I've loved, lost, and been broken, all in my first 28 years; but I'm mending, and I've a whole life to lead, one that I can't spend wallowing in the past.
I'm not forgetting you Roxas, quite the opposite, but I can't mourn forever; life does go on, after all. You'll always be in my heart, Roxas, but it's time I let go of you.
I'll live my life to the fullest, for the both of us; hopefully I fall in love again, and I won't hide my heart this time Roxas, I promise. I won't wait till it's too late to confess my feelings; I won't make that mistake again.
I'm saying goodbye, until we meet again. I promise I won't forget you, Roxas; I wouldn't be able to forget you even if I wanted to.
Wow. This has to be the first story I've completed, and I wrote it all in one sitting. (Holy shit. It's 2am.) Inspired by Martina McBride's song Concrete Angel.
(Which was playing when I started and finished this. O.o Coincidences like that almost scare me.)
Zoa