Guess who really likes Cassian Andor and is in denial? It's me, I'm in denial.
Let's forget about that "I've been in this fight since I was six" line for the sake of this fic, because I absolutely did until I saw a gifset containing it *after* I finished writing this.
Lyric title because the title was pretty much the only thing keeping me from posting it.
Cassian Andor had a secret. One he was cursed to never speak to another being. Not for lack of trying, mind you, several times he had attempted to share this secret with someone, but in doing so would find himself inexplicably at a loss for breath, his lungs gasping on nothing for a second. Any attempts to circumvent it were always foiled, even if he tried to speak of a hypothetical friend that may or may not have his secret, he would choke on his words.
He gave up trying a long time ago. He just had to live with it. He never knew anyone long enough for them to figure it out and confront him about it, so he wasn't even sure if he would be able to nod his head in agreement if someone straight up asked him or if the curse would stop that somehow as well.
He wasn't really sure how long he had been like this. Years, definitely, decades, probably. Maybe even a century? Regardless, he was tired. Tired of being alone, tired of going through the same type of cycle, tired of fighting. But he couldn't give up, he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did. He couldn't just sit back and let the galaxy tear itself apart while he toiled away in a field on some backwater planet. He tried that once, barely lasted a year before the guilt of doing nothing quite literally killed him. The next morning when he woke up he vowed never to sit on the sidelines again.
So he would work his way into a resistance with a cause that he believed in and he would make as much of a difference as he could, giving advice when he could, poking and prodding it into the best possible path that he could see, making waves that would bring down governments without making himself a well known face. Whenever a mission would eventually come up that could be deemed a suicide mission, but would heavily weigh the ensuing fight in their favor, he would always be the first to volunteer. And then when he was believed dead, he would begin the cycle all over again, creating a new identity and finding a new fight.
For now he was Captain Cassian Andor of the Rebellion against the Empire. Soft spoken, loyal, reliable, determined. This was who he chose to be.
He had seen many fights in his extended life time, some contained to a small planet, some between planets in a solar system. All of them were between a fear mongering iron fist and the people frustrated under its rule. This fight he had joined with the Rebellion was on the biggest scale he had ever encountered, by far. Finding out about a planet killing satellite made him sick to his stomach and there was no way he was going to let that thing exist in this galaxy.
He didn't really intend to gather such a large crew for the Battle of Scarif, but if they were going to have any hope of even getting to the Archive, they were going to need a distraction. Thankfully it wasn't hard to find a group of guys just as tired of the fight as he was. He had a sense it wasn't going to end well for him, but hoped as long as they stayed outside they would have an opportunity to be extracted.
Taking the blaster shot to the side and falling from the data bank wasn't ideal, but waking up and discovering only a few minutes had passed was a surprise. He hadn't died this time apparently, since he could definitely still feel the injuries he had amassed on the way down the data tower. Jyn was gone, so he hoped she had made it to the top and transmitted the plans. He wasn't going to make any assumptions though, and forced himself back up the side of the tower. Getting through the snapping hole cover at the top was too close for comfort, as was his timing on his shot at Krennic. He would've taken it sooner had his vision not greyed out as soon as he stood up, forcing him to brace himself against the pillar until he could see again and he managed to take Krennic down.
He could feel how tense Jyn was as they limped across the sand together and glanced up at the massive satellite looming on the horizon. If they were not so intimately familiar with its purpose, they could almost pretend it was another moon orbiting the planet. He looked at Jyn and realized he felt sympathy for her. He didn't need K2's negative attitude to tell him the odds of her survival, most of the ships were gone and none of the ones he could see could carry extra passengers. Seeing the fear and determination in her eyes reminded him how much she had lost in these last few days. Watching the mountain housing the man who raised her crumbling before her eyes, finding her father after fifteen years and promptly losing him again.
Her adrenaline alone was what got them to the beach, finally collapsing next to each other in the sand. He glares out at the explosion blossoming out of the water and he knows their death is inevitable. It's not the first time he's had someone next to him when he died, but he's still not sure what to say to her. So he stays quiet, recognizes the signs that she wants to hold onto someone and gathers her in for a tight hug.
He's facing away from the explosion now, but he can see it getting brighter around them even in the mid day light. It's silent asides from their own heartbeats up until the shockwave hits. All at once he is deafened by the noise, feels the scorching of the flames and the concussive blast forces Jyn out of his arms.
The last thing he is aware of is being face down in the super heated sand, feeling the skin melting off of his back.
It's daytime when he awakens. He's on his back on something hard and warm against his bare skin, staring up at the bright sky. A combination of ash and water showers down still. He's not sure if the days on this planet are super long or if he was dead all night. He's definitely alive again and his body mended the way it should be.
He pushes himself up and investigates the area around him, discovering he's been thrown onto the carcass of an AT-AT. The remains of the Archive tower are directly ahead of him and none of the trees that had previously been growing on the sandbars are visible, leaving only piles of twisted metal and half destroyed buildings behind. On the far side of the tower he can see a TIE-Fighter squatting in the sand, one of it's wing panels is skewed to the side a bit, but it looks otherwise fine from this distance. He manages to get inside the AT-AT and obtain a uniform from a soldier, to replace his own outfit that was incinerated by the inferno of the explosion.
The fact that these sandbars were the only land visible for miles around disguises just how much damage was done to the planets surface, the water flowing into the crater, leaving pieces of jagged rock jutting out of the surface here and there. If he didn't know there had been trees on the sand that remained before, he never would have guessed now. As he stumbles and swims through the water to the TIE-Fighter, it becomes apparent that he is the only creature still alive on this area of the planet. Bodies of soldiers and beasts of the ocean alike dot the exposed sand and float in the water. Cassian Andor is not one of the bodies, but he is dead.
As he reaches the ship and starts to inspect the damage, he discovers he's ok with being nameless for a while. As soon as he manages to get off of this planet he will have to figure out who he is again and decide where he's going, but for now he silently curses his condition and focuses on fixing the ship.