I'm not entirely sure.
Could you see, I knew what's meant to be would be.
Like any other day – he was sitting motionless warped in his own silent thinking demeanor – and she stood, obedient and unmoving by his side awaiting orders as was per usual.
She had not known any other way.
'Rei'
'Yes.'
'I want you to kill him.'
She took a robotic step forward, peered over his shoulder at the database image plastered on the screen.
The room was dark, as always. Only the silent eminent deathly glow of the computer screen illuminated the two figures.
Rei Ayanami hardly showed emotion.
She had not known any other way.
Yet her eyebrows betrayed her as the rose in surprise, ever so slightly.
'That is your son, sir.' She stated, in the same monotonic voice that she had come to use. It was a voice that accepted her fate – whatever the cost-, one that was neutral and never held neither defiance nor fear.
'Yes, I am quite aware.'
'You want me to kill your son.'
'Yes.'
'You want me to kill Ikari-kun.'
'Yes.'
Rei Ayanami never asked questions.
She had not known any other way.
Yet somehow, she knew not what had overcome her, the sound of her own voice, her traitorous voice, escaped through her mouth.
'Why?'
His hands that rested firmly under his chin, unfolded and dropped to the table, the sound of his palms making contact with the surface echoed in the quiet room. He stood up slowly, unblinkingly snapping his head towards her.
The glasses that usually shaded his eyes dropped to the floor at his abrupt movement.
For a moment Rei stared into Gendo Ikari's deathly glare.
Even then she wasn't afraid.
Then a resounding slap filled the room, followed by a crash and the click of a safety being released.
Rei Ayanami could not feel.
She had not known any other way.
Now, though, there was cool metal that graced her bruised fingertips and a metallic taste that had dribbled from her cheek and into her mouth.
'Do not question me, ever.'
-And Rei was alone.
There was not much she could do but obey, for Gendo Ikari's words were law.
It was him that had taught her to comply to his every wish.
It was him that had taught her to show no unnecessary emotion.
It was him that had taught her to never talk back.
It was him that had taught her that feeling was for the worthless.
Rei had an epiphany. It was Gendo Ikari whom had taught her the most valuable lesson of all. That Rei existed solely for one purpose.
That purpose was only to serve him.
Slowly, she got up, steadying herself on a nearby desk. She curled her fingers tightly around the barrel of the gun. This was the gun that would kill Shinji Ikari. The gun that would end his life and bury all the dreams he held along with it.
She clenched and unclenched her hands; she knew what she had to do.
At the cost of that, Shinji would never get to know his father.
Now something surprising happened. Rei allowed herself a small smile.
It's just as well; he would never have to bear the pain of knowing just how much of a bastard his father really is.
'Rei? My father said there was something that you were to brief me about…'
'Ikari-kun'
The knot that Rei hadn't realized she had twisted in her stomach. She felt the urge to throw up and rid herself of the disgusting being that was her.
I am feeling.
'Feeling is for the worthless'
'Feeling is for the weak'
That's right, feeling is for the pathetic.
I am pathetic, sir, so pathetic that I had allowed myself to love your son.
'Your father told me to tell you that he loves you, I'm sorry' she spoke, still in the same monotonic voice, her façade never wavering.
Shinji looked surprised, his eyes shifted constantly between the gun and her face.
It's the least I can do for him
She forced the next words out of her mouth, '-But I can't stand anyone loving him'
He laughed, she looked up.
He was laughing now, uncontrollably, grasping his sides at the sears of pain with each strained breath. His eyes were watering and he had crumpled to the floor in his fit.
He looked up at her, the laughing had seized and the remains of a smile still graced his lips.
'Thank you, Rei'
She shot him.
His body fell limply to the floor, his eyes fading as his soul left the world. A pool of bright red blood formed around his dead body and the smile was still present on his lips.
Rei had always been accustomed with blood.
She had not known any other way.
Yet this time, she could not stop herself from throwing up blood of her own. The sight was just too revolting for her to see, for she had killed the only person that had opened his heart to her, the only person who she could ever truly love.
I am disgusting
Shinji had known she was lying.
She had killed him.
But despite it all he had thanked her.
'You can make another one of me, Gendo' she whispered before raising the gun to her temple and pulling on the trigger.
Then there was silence, a silence so profound that it was not disturbed for hours after.
Then the silence ended and the world moved on,
But there, two people still lay unmoving.
They both lay side by side.
The doll and the human that had given her a soul.
It had to be done.
I knew no other way.