Stupid.
You're feeling so very stupid. You have fooled yourself into thinking you could possibly be anywhere near enough for him. You told yourself and anyone that would listen how you had tamed him. You let yourself believe you loved him enough for the both of you.
You had thought for so many months that your new beginning was just around the corner. That one morning soon you'd wake up and it would be just like he had promised on that cold December morning. He had told you time and time again that the rest of your lives together would begin as soon as the roller-coaster of emotions ended. But it never came.
Each day started how the one before ended. His anger would be spent on you with snide comments and painful looks. But he'd apologise each time and you'd forgive him. Because you thought that that was what you did. You ignore the cracks, you work round them. But it didn't work, did it? Because by ignoring the cracks they grew and now they're so entwined in you're relationship that you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
You want to believe him when he says it was all an innocent mistake. You try desperately hard to ignore the empty looks he give you and the way his hands holds yours so much more loosely than you hold his. You think maybe he just needs the time away and hold onto the thought of all he has given up to be with you. He may have tried to kiss her when she was drunk, you think. But it is you he wants whilst sober.
What hurts you most is when you think about the times you tried to walk away. You whispered to him softly so many times that you would let him go but he let his get out of jail cards go to waste. He held you and loved you and made you believe he was all you thought he was and more. He made him trust you and then he spat you out when the fight got too much.
But you love him with every fibre of your being and the thought of losing him hurts beyond belief. You only wish he'd make it all better by taking you into his tattooed arms and hushing you to sleep, fighting away your nightmares.
There is always something that niggles away at your insides as you fight for the one thing you seem to be losing. It doesn't leave your mind and the little voice in your head screams at you to listen as you say goodbye to your best friend and the one person who loves you most in aid of a man that only seems capable of breaking your heart and making you feel like the dirt off his shoes.
It always whirls around, it's always there. The thought your sub-concious has been trying to ignore since the minute you found out. People always say a drunk mind speaks what a sober mind thinks- don't they?