Funny Job
Summary: Naruto's 18 and he needs to get a job to pay rent, so Jiraiya helped him out.
An: Hey everyone me again! I know I should be writing my other stories, but if you give me some reviews on this story I'll finish it and the others I need to get back to.
Chapter 1: Stupid things we say
Yesterday Naruto was looking for a job everywhere and no one was hiring. He complained to Jiraiya and now he had a job that required him to use his own knowledge and brain for his own comic material. Yes, Jiraiya had got him a job at a club as a comedian for tonight.
" Are you nuts? Me a comedian Jiraiya-sensei I'm not even that funny and I don't have any material." Naruto bellowed at the elder man who was peeping into the new womens bath house. " Will you stop peeping and listen to me!"
" Your too loud brat. Go home and write something down on paper and make it funny. You'll have all of Konoha infront of you. If you want to become Hokage you have to be funny." The old man replied simpily to Naruto.
" You know thats a lie..." Naruto stated firmly not quite sure.
" Really, you think so." Jiraiya looked at his student and knew that he wasn't. " Go home write and let me do my research brat." Naruto growled but listened and found himself an hour later infront of his desk writing material that just came to his mind.
Naruto didn't realize what time it was as Iruka came by and picked him up to take him to the club. By this time he had his material for tonight in his brain fully mesmerized. It was 20 minutes before he had to go on and he had been wished good luck by all of his friends. Even Sasuke-Bastard had wished him luck in his own way tonight. He was nervous he looked out from behind the curtains and saw everyone in Konoha really there. Jiraiya wasn't lying to him at all. Tsunade had even come to support him if it went up in smoke... which he hope it didn't.
" Uzumaki... 30 seconds." Someone said to him, he nodded and waited for his que.
" Now with out further ado, the new comedian Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto took his que and walked out onto the stage and waited for the polite clapping and a few cheers from his friends to die down.
" Alright lets get this on a roll. This is something about little expressions we all use all the time and most of us never seem to examine the expressions very carefully at all we just kinda say these things as if they really made sense. Like this one, Legally drunk. If it's legal whats the fucking problem. 'Hey leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk."
Naruto looked out into the crowd and saw he got a few laughes so he decided this would be a good time to continue.
" You know you can stick it. Why do always assume everyone always knows where they can stick it, suppose you don't know, suppose you're a new guy. You absolutely don't know where to stick it. I think there should be a government book on where to stick it. Now that I think of it I believe there is a booklet like that. They send it to you on April 15th. Undisputed heavyweight champion, well if it's undisputed whats all the fighting about?"
Naruto brighten up everyone was laughing, he even got Sasuke-Bastard to laugh, well grin and chuckle. But soon that would change.
" It's the quiet ones you gotta watch. You know that one right, everytime you see a story about a serial killer on tv what do they do they bring on the neighbor. And the neighbor says, ' Well he was very quiet.' Then someone in the room says, ' It's the quiet ones you've gotta watch.' This to me sounds like a very dangerous thought. I bet you anything that while your watching a quiet one a noisy one will fucking kill you. Suppose your in a bar an one guys sitting on a side reading a book not bothering anybody and another one is standing up with a machetie banging on the bar saying ' I'll kill the next motherfcuker who comes in here'. Who you gonna watch?"
Naruto looked over at Tsunade and smiled, hadn't seen her this happy in a while, he liked it. Even Neji and Shino were laughing... they need to loosen up a bit.
" Takes the cake. Say boy he really takes the cake. Where? Where do you take a cake to the movies? You know where I would take a cake down to the bakery, to see the other cakes. How come he takes the cake? How come he don't take the pie? Pie is easier to carry than cake, easy as pie. Hey cake is not to carry either... piece of cake. "
Nobody cared who was telling the jokes now as everyone was laughing. He was just musing on what everyone else says around the village and was just asking questions. He never thought it would be funny.
" The greatest thing since sliced bread. So this is it huh folks? Couple of hundred thousand years. Come on the fucking pyramids. The panama canal, the great wall of china. Even a lava lamp to me is greater than sliced bread. Whats so great about sliced bread? You gotta knife and a loaf of bread slice the fucking thing ... and get on with your life."
Sakura and Ino were turning blue in the face from not breathing they were laughing so hard. He now had to say something about it. " Hey people come on breathe. Alright finally the women have stop turning into blueberries and the men do look like their about to wet themselves. Lets get it on."
" Walkin Papers. Guy gets fired they say,' geez poor guy...well they give him his walking papers today'. Did you ever get any walking papers? Seriously believe I've gotten fired alot of times, you can tell. Never got any walking papers, never got a pink slip either. You know what I would get? A guy that would come by me and say, ' Get the fuck outta here!' You don't need paper for that. "
Some nodded went along with the laughing while he continued looking straight at Iruka,
" Alright I've got one more before my times up. In your own words. People say that to you? You know you hear that alot in the classroom and in a courtroom. They'll say to you ' Tell us in your own words.' Do you have your own words? Hey I've been using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words say, 'nickt fluct blarny qondo flew. Thank you and Goodnight ."
Naruto took a bow and left the stage leaving people laughing and clapping.
Note: Hey everyone all the comedy is from George Carlin, so that means I don't own any of it, he is halarious isn't he. Wait for the next chapter and I hope you liked this.
-Fiona12690