Bunker, Textualized
By Rob Morris
For those that know who Archie Bunker is, or was, very little needs to be said. An exceedingly difficult and abrasive man, while he had his good points, these were few and far between. A bigot and willful ignoramus, his flaws are replete and will not be defended here.
With that said, there are some few things that bring out his barely-hidden curmudgeon that we might have a touch more sympathy for. Among these is a simple fact : His wife Edith is very talkative.
This is not to say she is/was not a saint. Kind in any event, her saintliness showed in stark relief when compared to the closed heart she chose as her husband.
For all that, yes, she talks a lot.
The only other thing that needs be said is that this story occurs in a world where all the goings-on at 704 Hauser Street in Queens, New York occur about 40 years later than the ones so well known. Some things change, others not so much.
Archie walked in after work, young people wearing headphones the latest target of his omni-directional ire.
"Edith, them kids wouldn't hear it if the Lord declared Judgment Day with Free Tacos…Edith?"
Lost in her own world, Edith sat in her chair (never the other one), her fingers almost gliding across the screen of a small device.
"Ok, so I'm guessin here that dinner's not anytime soon…"
Archie had guessed correctly, for Edith's fingers never left the device in question. On occasion, her head would bob up, and then she would gain a look of sudden realization before her finger-work resumed. Archie looked up.
"Any chance of those Free Tacos Lord? I'll even do half-price."
Archie sat down, resigning himself to the impossibility of breaking the link he saw before him. Shortly afterward, his daughter and son-in-law came in, and were quickly taken aback by the sight of Edith keeping up what she had now been doing for hours.
"Gloria-she's got it plugged directly to the outlet."
Gloria Bunker-Stivic checked her messages.
"Mike? She's almost used up all our texting for the month."
Mike shook his head.
"But we have unlimited for everything."
Gloria nodded.
"She's still almost used it all up."
Noting their arrival, Archie caught them in a glare they could not match. Like a stopped clock, even Archie was right sometimes.
"I told youse two over and over and over again—you don't get no smartphone for no dingbat!"
Gloria was transfixed by her mother's fingers, wondering how in the hell she avoided cramping up. To his credit on some levels, and very foolishly on some others, Mike tried to joke his way out of the surreal scene.
"Look at this way, Arch-she'll never post on Twitter!"