Hello friends! It has been so long! Happy New Year, Happy Holidays, Happy Burns Night, Happy January! I am so sorry for my extended absence from both writing and reading. The last few months have been pretty crappy work wise amongst some other personal things and it wasn't really helped by the fact I completely lost my writing mojo. I can't say it is back in full force and it may be a while before I catch up on stories but I couldn't resist the temptation of a Stef/Callie missing scene! I imagine that a few people will be attempting this one. I love the episode and I thought that the silence spoke volumes but it doesn't stop me from always wanting more Stef/Callie. This is just my take.
As always, if you're looking for drama you won't find it here and if my over-analytical stories have ever bored you this is probably not one for you but it's basically just Stef and Callie processing their feelings over Kiara's running away and their fears over whether Callie would ever do so again.
I am very, very rusty so please be kind, but I look forward to your reviews and catching up with so many familiar friends!
Thanks to thesameguest and TheTBone and I would also like to dedicate this to my good friend starophie! Go check out their fics :)
Callie knew it couldn't be good news as soon as she saw Stef's sombre face. At first her nerves gave her the confused feeling that she may be in trouble for something or had somehow worried her foster mother.
That was almost too kind a scenario.
It was a lot easier to slip into the dream of having a normal teenager/parent relationship than what she knew would be the reality of a face like that. She entertained the delusion until the letter was handed to her.
It would be more bad news - and she knew what it was as soon as she felt the crinkled paper from a notebook that she knew.
It was as familiar a gut wrench as a kid would get for a routine vaccination - but this wasn't a dose of protection, and she wasn't the recipient. She knew the drug though; it was the sickness and a temporary, but addictive, cure. She barely even needed to read Kiara's words on the page. She was blessed to not have to face the eerie familiarity of the words but that familiarity was the sting of her curse. The warm feeling of Stef's head cuddling on to her shoulder was pulling her into a sweet serenity. It allowed her to distance herself from recognising herself in the words on the page but it quickly flipped - first to guilt for having this comfort and then even more rapidly to the fear of that no longer being so. It could all be thrown in the air at the whim of a judge, literally within a designated number of days. She resisted, but she could feel herself identifying more and more with the fading, but hauntingly vivid reflection on the paper in her hands.
As Stef softly moved her head off Callie's shoulder she replaced it with a gentle slide of her finger, neatening a strand of Callie's hair that she had displaced.
The gesture turned into a firmer stroke of the young girl's arm, trying as always to pinpoint where to begin in this kind of situation. She knew words were of little comfort these days, as shown by Callie's outburst earlier in the week. Finding a crutch in linking her other arm behind Callie's back and squeezing tightly, she patiently waited for if and when her so far silent companion decided to talk.
"They don't get it." Callie finally whispered out. "They just don't get how easy it is to run How they make it like that." The quiet defeat in her voice was tired and withered. Any relief Stef had in the indication she would not fight her way out of their house was replaced with a forlorn disappointment that a girl so full of fire had slowly been worn down to submission.
"She'll end up back in juvie or worse and the two little ones will be stuck in that house."
Stef used her free hand to stretch out the wrinkles in her forehead with a sigh.
"Well, we did at least manage to get those out, even if it's too late for Kiara." She offered, despite knowing it was of little comfort to herself and would be even less so to the broken girl before her.
Callie looked up wistfully. "So she didn't need to run anyway." She closed her eyes and shook her head, biting her bottom lip and studying the note again. "But thank you for doing that." She croaked with sincerity, as lost as it was in the current mood.
"How did you manage it?" She added, looking up again and trying to focus on her inner realist.
Stef looked down bashfully and twisted the corner of her mouth. "You'd be surprised how easy it is to negotiate with people...especially with a badge. She could never be proud of trying to evict people from a house, she wished she could just have arrested them, but she certainly had no pity to spare for people who were so reckless with the lives of children.
"You tear them apart like the social worker?" Callie crinkled her forehead as Stef cleared her throat.
"No. Not really. Unfortunately that is not so easy to do when you have a badge. I already have enough difficulty staying out of trouble with my temper when it comes to things like this. And losing it is so often pointless anyway."
Callie's eyes widened thinking back to her own frustrations at the foster drop in centre.
"Yeah...I can relate" She commented with a hint of guilt as Stef looked at her quizzically. She stuttered, seeing that a follow-up would be necessary.
"I took Kiara to the drop in place I do therapy. I doubt the guy who I spoke to will be putting me on his Christmas card list."
Stef snorted out a tired laugh, jiggling her hand on Callie's arm in solidarity.
"What set you off?" She muttered.
Callie looked back as if it should be obvious.
"Endless bureaucracy." Stef guessed in mutual resignation. "That'll do it."
"I know it's not their fault." Callie affirmed, her frustration breaking through again as she thought back. "It's just so..."
"Impossible." Stef finished off, sharing in her anger. Neither of them could stand to feel the lack of power that they had. The interruption wasn't enough to break Callie's flow as the passion behind her rant grew, fuelled by the loss of yet another friend and the fear that had consumed too much of her young life.
"I know that everyone thinks they're helping, and I know how hard you think you will be able to try..." She paused to turn and put her hand on Stef's knee thinking back to what she had said the other day. "I know that you will do all you can, I get that, and I'm not trying to say that I don't appreciate it...but it just feels like none of it matters. What is the point of having a team of support if everyone's hands are tied?" She looked back again, seeing the sadness in Stef's eyes as her own began to prickle. It quickly turned to guilt, yet again, feeling her outpouring had been past the mark as she closed her eyes and dipped her head. She shouldn't be doing this, sounding so ungrateful, but she couldn't help it. She was quickly soothed from her concerns with Stef's warm hand on her back.
"Listen, no more promises..."
"I didn't mean that, I'm sorry, I -"
"And from you, no more apologies." Stef cut her off firmly but with her unmistakeable kindness. It was enough to pull Callie's attention back, softly guided by Stef's thumb softly caressing her chin towards her. She looked sincere and determined behind the wash of sympathy glistening through her eyes.
"We want you to feel secure here, but we know that it can only be to a certain level. I guess it's hard for us to come to terms with that too and it can't be easy for you being constantly reminded of how little power any of us have." Stef paused to bite her lips together through her teeth, examining Callie's lost expression.
"And don't feel bad for being frustrated or angry, we get it." She clarified. "Just don't ever think that you can find the answer going backwards. We may not know what it is yet, but it certainly can't be found there." Stef assured her, suddenly with a pang of fear thinking back to that reality.
Callie paused, taking in the words. She heard her own comments to Wyatt about moving forward but she tried to think back to any moments of weakness before that. How strong was the part of her that had been tempted by Wyatt's offer? Deep down she knew she would never have gone, but Kiara had convinced her that she wouldn't run either. What if it could just be flicked back like a switch? What had tipped Kiara? So much was uncertain, what if even her own behaviour could be? She turned her face back, studying Stef's and seeing a desperation in her eyes that echoed her own thoughts.
"When you saw the note...did you think I'd run away?" She asked bluntly, patching together Stef's tone, poise and the scenario. Stef swallowed nervously trying to avoid eye contact before blinking to face the girls she longed to make her daughter. Unable to find the words to justify the tingle of fear that was triggered, she leaned forward and kissed Callie's forehead. As she prized herself away she patted Callie's knee and gradually replied.
"It crossed my mind." Her voice was almost inaudible as Callie looked down again with a guilty nod. It still hurt her to think how much she had put Lena and Stef through on the back of their kindness.
Callie stuttered momentarily for a response but nothing came out except hidden words and another prickle of emotion. Seeing through the silence, Stef put her arm around her again, grasping her tightly. No more needed to be said. They understood each other's position and fiery whims. Promises or assurances would be empty even if offered. Intent wasn't the problem here, it was other people's intent that shackled them to their fates.
After a few moment's pause Callie blinked and got onto the more pressing practicalities.
"What are you going to do about Kiara? I don't suppose you will let her go...but she is on probation and...?" She ventured as Stef twitched her mouth, knowing she was duty bound not just by her position but by her conscience.
"You know I have to tell CPS. She was in our care last and left a note for us. You know the situation, sweets."
Callie nodded before a mischievous glint raised her eyebrow. "You know you said you already used your badge to..."
"Not for this, my love." Stef replied sweetly but firmly. "It's one thing to threaten a landlord who is already playing fast and loose with the activities of his tennants..."
"You threatened him?" Callie clarified, slightly bemused as Stef shrugged, caught off guard.
"No." She replied, losing her gaze in her fingernails. "I mean really Mike did..." She muttered embarrassed, sneaking a look as Callie raised her eyebrows with the smallest hint of a smile at a loss for any other source of humour in the situation. Stef's look quickly snapped to a chastising squint with ammo of Callie's admissions. "Hey, it's not like we picked on some poor foster care volunteer."
"I think he was at least the manager..." Callie defended herself as her eyebrows crinkled into another thought before they were interrupted by the sound of Lena and Mariana coming through the back door. The noise prompted Stef to stir and check her watch.
"I guess I better change, if you are happy for me to go?" She ventured, squeezing Callie's knee to check it was safe to leave her. Callie gave her a small smile as acknowledgement before re-creasing the folds in the letter.
"Do you think they do have volunteers there? " She considered hesitantly, her mind wandering back to the drop in centre as Stef shrugged, pushing herself off the stair with a wince.
"I would guess so." She replied mindlessly, straightening her top as Callie pushed the idea aside, realising this really was the end of the talk.
"Uhm Stef..." She added, pulling herself up after and thinking back to the flippancy with which she had spoke to them just a couple of days before. She paused as Stef turned, patiently waiting for her to find whatever words she needed.
"I do love you guys." Callie reassured her, a feeling of regret for having had so many of her feelings wandering off into the dark in recent days. Now was not the time to be taking this family for granted, more so now she was faced with losing it.
Stef nodded, tenderly. She was unable to suppress the warm feeling in her chest even if it was one tainted with a sadness from the twisting maze of Callie's complexities.
Without speaking she touched her grip around Callie's arm and pulled her forehead to her lips, peppering it with a few lingering kisses as the young girl tried momentarily to suspend her troubles.
Stef glazed Callie's arm one more time before touching the back of her hand to her daughter's cheek. With a last mile she pattered up the stairs, leaving Callie clutching the note and looking down at it once again.
Gripping it tightly she bit her lip. She still saw herself as she looked down, or at least a snapshot from other points in her life. A snapshot of the loneliness, the helplessness and the ties that refused to unbind. They don't get it, she thought again - the familiar grievance pecking at her anguish. Something else was there this time though. The other thought she had suppressed. She wasn't out of her rut by any means, but she was able to recognise the contrast in the freeze frame she held before her.
The growth. Her growth.
Whether she had thought about it or not and whether she was scared to believe it or not, she had gone to Stef the night Kiara had called. She had chosen not to run with Wyatt. She had made those choices and they were as instinctive as the choices she had made at weaker times. She may recognise the lost girl in that page, flighty and helpless. She may know where she was coming from and know too well the reasons the system had made her like that, but she now had the ability to see it as that. A snapshot into her life rather than a current reflection. She did get it - yet she wasn't still consumed by it. She wasn't sure how, the lessons had all blurred into her hardened shell, but she suddenly realised that even in her most recent misfortunes there was pathway laid out for her.
She was that person who got it and she was also that person that had grown past it, at least right now. She got it and she suddenly saw the place she could go to help others grow past it too.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed. I'd love a review if you did!
On another note, no promises, but I am trying to put together a Jesus-centred fic (so long as the episodes don't out pace me!)