Missing a part of me
A little girl with dark curls and brown eyes hops her way through her bedroom in search of her pajama bottoms. She is jumping in excitement while she throws her blankets away, trying to remember where she put them last night. "MOMMY!"
"Yes?"
"I can't find my-…" she spots them under her bed and drops on her knees. "Never mind!" She wiggles out of her jeans and throws them in a corner before putting on the blue pajama bottoms. She hurries towards the bathroom to brush her teeth. Her mommy told her she had to put on her pajamas AND brush her teeth first. She tries to brush her teeth the proper way, like her mommy told her to, but she's too impatient. It takes too long. She spits, rinses her mouth and throws her toothbrush into the cup next to the sink. Her short legs run as fast as she can out of the bedroom, towards the sound of her mother's voice. "Is Mama still there?"
"Yes, she is." Maura looks up at her daughter and pats the spot next to her on the bed. "You are just in time." She helps the girl up on the bed and shifts the iPad so she can look at the blurry image on the screen.
"Hi, Mama!" She looks at the dark-haired woman on the screen and she has to swallow a lump in her throat suddenly. Her mama smiles at her. She loves her Mama's smile. It always makes her smile as well.
"Hi, pumpkin." Jane says lovingly, her movements shaky due to the bad connection. "How was school today?"
"Good, we did math again."
"Oh, how was that?"
"Fine," the girl shrugs and shifts to her mommy's side when the blonde's arm wraps around her shoulders. "Is it still so hot over there?" She furrows her brow, still having trouble understanding how it can be the middle of the day where her Mama is, while it is already bedtime in Boston.
"Yeah, crazy hot. But I'm kinda used to it by now."
The girl hesitates for a moment and fumbles with her hands before asking her next question. "Did you have to fight today?"
"No baby," Jane shakes her head. "I don't really have to fight anymore, unless it's an emergency."
"When's an emergency?"
"Like…" Jane sighs and looks at Maura who is looking at their daughter with concern in her eyes, "…like last month, when Joe got sick, I had to fill in for him. Then I had to fight. But that was only once and it wasn't so bad. Now I'm just here doing my job."
"I don't understand your job." She pouts and shifts down against the headboard of the bed, her mother's warm arm still wrapped around her.
"You don't have to," Jane chuckles. "it's a pretty boring job."
"The army's not boring. Being in the army is brave."
Warm lips press a kiss on the girl's temple and a sense of sadness fills the room. Maura sighs and brushes her daughter's hair back. "It's time for bed, darling," she says softly. "Time to say goodbye."
"Okay." She nods and looks back at her Mama. "The list is getting long, Mama," she says softly. "I was out of pins last week."
"I know, baby," Jane replies, her voice suddenly unsteady. Her daughter has been keeping count of the days she has been gone. For every day, she puts a pin in a little square on her wall. The squares are the days that Mama will be gone, the pins are counting the days until she will come back.
"There's a lot of squares left," she whispers. It seems like there is no end to it. Even though she adds a pin every single night before she goes to sleep, there are still too much squares.
Jane doesn't reply. It's hard to tell because of the bad connection, but it seems like she has tears in her eyes. She coughs and wipes her face with her hands. "I have to get back to work," she says softly. "I'm sorry. Can I talk to Mommy for a while?"
"Okay." The girl sits up and purses her lips at the camera, watching Jane do the same. "Kiss."
"Kiss." Jane smiles and touches the screen in front of her. "Sleep well, pumpkin. I love you."
"I love you too."
Maura looks at her little girl and blinks away the tears that fill her eyes. She kisses the girl's temple and squeezes her against her side before letting her slide of the bed and head back to her bedroom.
"How is she?" Jane's voice sounds through the device in her hands.
"She's okay." Maura smiles at her wife. "She misses you."
Jane nods. "I miss her too," she whispers. "More than I could ever imagine."
Maura looks at the woman she loves so much and sees defeat in her dark eyes that stare at her from the cold screen. She would give anything to be able to be in her arms again. Just to feel her skin against hers, her warmth and her strong arms around her. She would do anything to feel her lips on hers, be able to run her fingers through those long, dark curls and wrap her arms around that strong, tall body. She touches the screen and it's like the coldness of it sends a painful spark through her hand. "I miss you, Jane," she whispers. "We miss you."
"I know."
Maura sighs and tries to get rid of the tears in her eyes. They don't get to talk every night but when they do, she never seems to be able to stop her tears. "I should put her to bed."
"Another pin," Jane says with a weak smile.
"Another pin. One pin closer to the end." Maura smiles at her wife. "I love you, Jane."
"I love you more."
She looks at the image of her beautiful wife until the screen goes black and the only thing she can see are her own teary eyes in the reflection. "I love you," she whispers, mostly to herself.
"Mommy?" a mess of curls appears in the doorway, dark eyes filled with concern as she looks at her mother on the bed. The little girl sighs and walks towards her mother, climbing back up on the bed and sweetly wiping a tear from Maura's cheek with her small hand.
Maura holds back a sob and puts the iPad away to pull her little girl into her arms. It's often like this when they get to talk. Maura gets emotional and her five-year-old daughter is there to comfort her. She has Jane's heart. She can't stand the people around her being in pain and she will do anything to fix whatever she can. She has the kindest heart and Maura couldn't be more proud of her girl. She's her sunshine, the one that gives her light in these times that can feel so dark. Her little Elise.
"It's such a long time, Mommy," Elise says softly into her mother's chest. "What if I don't remember her?"
"Oh, honey…" Maura kisses her daughter's curls. "You won't, I promise. She'll always be your Mama. Your Mama who plays baseball with you, your Mama who knows the rules to that card game so much better than I do," she smiles when Elise giggles softly. "Your Mama who smells like lavender and fresh air, who is so very strong and always makes you laugh with her stupid jokes," she gets another smile from her daughter and strokes the girl's cheek with her thumb, "your Mama who's always so grumpy when she wakes up, who forgets to buy fruit and who knocked your tooth out…"
Elise laughs and it's like the sound heals a part of her broken heart. She looks at the girl on her chest and sees the adorable gap in between her lower teeth. She looks like Jane. She has her dark eyes and that healthy pink blush on her cheeks. She loves her so much. So very much. She could never have imagined she would grow so much love the minute she became a mother. From the first moment she held their baby in her arms, she knew she wouldn't be the same person ever again. She was a mother and that role fit her perfectly. Sure, she had her doubts. Especially when Elise was being difficult and Jane wasn't around with her quick wit and clever way of dealing with their outspoken daughter, she doubted if she was a good mother to Elise. But in moments like this, when the girl comes to her and buries herself in her mother's arms because she is the one to give her comfort, she knows she is doing her job. No mother is perfect, she knew. But as long as she loves her child, she is on the right track.
"Mommy?"
"Hm?"
"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?"
Maura sighs, knowing it is good for the little girl to sleep in her own bed. But she can't resist the pair of pleading dark eyes looking up at her. She smiles when she brushes her hand through her daughter's dark curls. "Okay, just for tonight."
Elise smiles and moves under the blankets, snuggling into the pillow that is normally Jane's but is now often used by their daughter. At nights like this, she just wants to be close to her mother. And if she's honest, Maura really doesn't want to sleep in an empty bed tonight. So even though Elise kicks in her sleep and moves around even more than Jane does, she puts on her pajamas, finishes her nightly routine and crawls into bed next to her little girl. It's too early to sleep but she's utterly exhausted.
"Oh no," Elise mumbles and slides out of bed, hurrying out of the room.
"What's wrong?"
"We forgot the pin!" she calls back when Maura follows her.
She smiles when she watches Elise searching through the box of pins. "What will it be today?"
"A ladybug." She holds up a small pin with a ladybug and reaches up to pin it in the little square that stands for today. She steps back and admires the wall of her bedroom, filled with too many colorful pins now.
Maura stands behind her daughter and places her hands on the girl's chest when the girl rests back against her mother. "There are a lot of pins behind us," she says softly.
Elise nods. "More than the squares that's left."
"Exactly." She kisses the top of the short girl's head. "She'll be home soon."