DISCLAIMER: Steven Universe and Young Justice are both properties of Cartoon Network.
There weren't enough songfics inspired by Steven Universe in my opinion so here's something NOBODY asked for. YAY! Warning: There be feels ahead and mentions of drug addiction.
I was fine with the men that would come into her life now and again
As Kaldur'ahm stood over Roy Harper's grave, he contemplated their relationship. What they had endured over the years. He remembers the longing stares that spoke a million words and the adrenaline induced kisses after a daunting mission. He remembers the way he would nuzzle into Roy's neck as they settled down for the night and the way his love's face would light up like a Christmas tree whenever he entered the room.
Then everything fell apart.
Roy didn't feel like Roy. As far as he was concerned, he wasn't Roy. He was a shoddy knockoff. A wannabe. A mere shell of what he had always thought he was. He needed someone to keep him from floating away while in the sea of despair. Kaldur was preoccupied with the Team, and worried about Tula and his old life in Atlantis. It's not like the two were officially together in the first place. There was something there though, right? He could've done something. Could've fought harder to keep his prince. But part of him had already given up on Roy. That's when she strolled in, and in hindsight Kaldur should've seen it coming.
Cheshire was not only able to indulge in Roy's fantasies of finding the original Roy, she was around enough that she was able to indulge in some fantasies of her own. Kaldur had even caught them on a rooftop while on his way to visit his beloved archer. He remembers the second heartbreak vividly. He remembers standing next to his lover and best friend during the wedding ceremony. He remembers the mirth in Roy's face as he kissed the bride, and he remembers his envy of the assassin. He remembers standing outside their apartment and hearing the yelling and glass shattering a mere four months later. He remembers catching Roy in an old warehouse with a needle in his arm. He remembers looking at Lian and tearing up because she has his eyes. Not the color but the look. The way they ignite when excited and visibly darken when sad and flare when distressed.
Kaldur then pondered if he would've broken up Roy and Jade even if it meant Roy may have died sooner and he would never be able to see those eyes again and he begins to weep because of his obvious and selfish answer.
I was fine, 'cause I knew that they didn't really matter until you
He thought of the good old days before Red Arrow and the Team. While Kaldur was in Atlantis, he didn't exactly have a way of defending his territory from the likes of Hannah, Reneé, Marcus, and Danté. At the end of the day, though, Roy would be the one to wrap his muscular arms around Kal's waist and and tell him exactly how important he was and how much he mattered. "You know you're my entire world," he would whisper sweetly. Then along came her. Kaldur knew Roy needed somebody to keep him grounded to reality, but why her?
He would never understand the appeal but Roy seemed to love her and that was all that mattered. She was just another ship in the night, sailing by. There was the small yet lavish wedding they had after the invasion. He had thought about his betrayal to the Team and Atlantis and how the plan will always be second in his lists of regrets. Not being there for Roy when he so clearly needed him will always be number 1, come what may.
I was fine when you came and we fought like it was all some silly game. Over her…
Standing over the grave of his dearest Roy Harper, Kaldur finds himself chuckling as he thinks of the cold war that went on between him and Cheshire. She would kiss him and stare right into his eyes. He would wrap his arms around Roy's shoulders and pull him close, all the while giving Jade taunting glances. He knew it was immature and petty, but Roy was the only person who had returned his affections and he wasn't going to give that up without a fight.
Who she'd choose, after all these years I never thought I'd lose.
He thinks about seeing Lian for the first. Her child. Their child. The bond he and Roy could never have. A child. A beautiful, innocent child. He thinks about their wedding. The sheer joy visible on Roy's face and the glee on hers. Back in the good old days he had always thought about being in Jade's position, being the reason Roy smiled. Laughing and embracing on their wedding day. But something about her must have been special. Kaldur became busy and frequently unavailable and Roy slipped through his fingers and landed right in Jade's waiting hands.
Aquaman's former protégé questioned if the archer was even his to begin with.
It's over, isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it over? You won and she chose you and she loved you and she's gone.
He heard what he assumed were Jade's footsteps behind him and the quiet pitter patter of Lian's 4 year old feet. He chose not to turn around. He just glared at the grave as it Roy would feel his distress, pop right out and hug him until he felt better. He then thought about the way Roy would look him. Soft and caring. Alert and frustrated. Loving and sincere. Scared and desperate.
He then thought of the way Roy would look at Jade. Adoring and prideful. Sympathetic and compassionate. Mirthful and just plain happy. He was happy with her. Kaldur didn't even stand a chance. He never did.
It's over, isn't it? Why can't I move on?
He thought of all Original Roy's unsuccessful attempts to set him up. To give him a chance at happiness, something he's only ever allowed himself in small doses since the wedding. He thought of all the people he had eaten dinner with. That one date with Nightwing became more of therapy session. He chuckled at that too. He thought of the way Roy could make him feel as though he hung the moon.
No one else could ever do that. Not one.
War and glory. Reinvention, fusion, freedom, her attention. Out in daylight my potential. Bold, precise, experimental.
He thought of times they would return from battle and Roy would gently lace his fingers with Kaldur's, minding the webbing. He remembers the way Roy would look at him during training and sometimes out in the field. Roy couldn't stop himself from drinking in Kaldur's strategies and tactics. The fluidity of his movements. His strength and confidence.
He thought of the times after a particularly challenging victory when they both walked with pride in their step, heads held high. A nonverbal request for praise, as Orin would call it. That's not what it was at all, though. It was a way to project confidence though in reality they were both shaking, sore, and relieved to be alive. That's what it was to Roy, anyway, and Kaldur had a hard time disagreeing with him on that one. He remembers being proud of himself. Roy taught him how to do that, praise himself.
"If you don't appreciate yourself, no one else will," he would say in an exasperated tone. Kaldur had always needed help loving himself. That's why he had Roy. To remind him of who and what really mattered in the end.
Who am I now in the this world without her? Petty and dull with the nerve to doubt her.
He remembers all of the sour looks he had given Jade the day his live was lost. He blamed her. It had to be her fault. Everything that ever went wrong in his life was more or less connected to her. He remembers all of the bitter comments he made when Roy wasn't around. All of the times Kaldur very blatantly questioned Roy's taste in women with those judgemental glares. It wasn't all the time but it was frequent enough that Jade felt threatened.
The guilt of his actions hit him like a brick. He hadn't meant to sink so low. Giving dirty looks like a petulant child who doesn't like their step mother. It wasn't like him. Kaldur was a mature and diplomatic individual, not some kid not getting enough attention from Mommy and Daddy. He was disgusted to say the least.
Disgusted and ashamed of himself. Ashamed of the harsh words behind closed doors. Ashamed of the way he had tested their love. Ashamed of the way he had kept himself from being happy, going against everything Roy had tried to teach him. Ashamed of the way he had treated Roy in the end.
Ashamed that he stayed hung up on someone who had already moved on.
What does it matter? It's already done. Now I've got to be there for her son.
He again found his thought wandering back to Lian Nguyen Harper. What would become of her now that Jade was left to care for her? Kaldur knew Jade wasn't going to abandon her, right? Though now that he thought about it, that was entirely possible. Jade had always wanted to give Lian her best shot, even if that meant relinquishing her custody to a normal, functional family.
In a moment of unusual spontaneity, Kaldur had decided that he would take custody of Lian, and if that meant giving his title of leader back to Nightwing or maybe even Batgirl then so be it. It was the only way he could think of making up to his late lover. The only way he could think of to ask for forgiveness.
Since sharing a home with the original Roy, Kaldur's been trying a lot of new things. Caring for a toddler is definitely new, so why not? He thought of the toddler's wispy ginger hair and her striking grey-brown eyes and her toothy smile that mirrors that of her mother's namesake. In that moment, Kaldur feels something akin to excitement well in stomach and first time in 6 months a genuine smile spread across his face.
It's over, isn't? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it over? You won and she chose you and she loved you and she's gone.
Kaldur felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw the faces of Jade and his roommate and he finally let the dam burst. He threw his arms around the assassin's lithe frame and wept into her shoulder. Between sobs were mumbled apologies and ramblings of gratitude. Jade hands just caressed his back. She did nothing to shush him and stood there with him until his eyes were red.
He then pulled back, not really finding it in him to be embarrassed about soaking her blue hoodie with tears. "It's ok," she assured. He hadn't noticed the red in her eyes that mirrored his. She turned around and walked back to her black Subaru hooking her arm with Original Roy's and dragging him with her. Kaldur followed hastily, eager to see Lian again. There she was, fast asleep in her purple car seat in the back of minivan.
It's over, isn't it? Why can't I move on? It's over isn't? Why can't I move on?
"Have you decided where she's going to go?" Kaldur asked, wiping his cheeks with his sleeves.
"Oh don't ask that," Jade began, "I know how much you want her. Haven't I stolen enough from you?"
At that last statement Kaldur visibly flinched and quickly climbed into the back seat of the car with Lian. Jade got in the driver's seat and original Roy -who had been silent the whole time- climbed into the passenger seat.
Arsenal looked his friend and the daughter he never asked for through the mirror before closing his eyes to sleep. He'll probably want to talk at home, Kaldur thought before following suit. Crying was draining. The hum of the car starting was the last thing he heard before drifting into sleep, now feeling as though he has something to look forward to.
A series will be spawned from this if ya want. Already have plans for a Love Like You fanfic so look out for that. Hope you enjoyed. ByE byE.