Led Zelda: The Greatest Rock Band of All Time

Chapter 1: Down the Hole (Wait...did that sound kinda...wrong?)

Summary: Sex, Drugs, and Music with Sitars. What more could a Zelda fan ask for? Some actual Zelda to go with it, you say? Well, here's the answer. Link and the Z-gang: Malon, Saria, Darunia, Ganondorf, Ruto and Zelda have run in with a quirky teenage video-game-obsessed individual from the distant future, named Drake, who has taken upon himself the task of making their lives a living hell, and having a lot of fun doing it. An innocent trip to Cleveland Ohio-land, leads to more than anyone would've wanted to expect, and the greatest rock band of all time is born. Or maybe just the semi-greatest band from 8:30 am - to 4:00 pm. Mondays they close early. And they get Saturday off.

This story is one of a series, the first of which is also posted on this site under my friend's author name (Ninjaquail). It might help a read his before reading mine. Just to explain some things. But then, none of this story makes sense anyway.

R - for profanity, crude (and very eccentric) humor, and sexually suggestive (and sometimes blatant) scenes later on. Not an easy read, word wise. It might help if you're a fan of Douglas Adams. Anyone who's ever read a Hitchhiker's Trilogy book should be able to see where I drew influences for a lot of my writing style. Lots of Princess-bashing (both of the Zelda and Ruto variety). If you don't like that, don't read it. Or better yet, read it, work up a good rage, and send me a flame or two. I'll always welcome a good flamer. Gives me someone or something to vent on. Your messages will be noted and duly ignored. (kidding!)

"I'm not at liberty to disclose that." Stated Drake, wearing the sort of smile that said not only was he very much at liberty to disclose it, but that he was choosing not to predominantly because of the fact that it irritated you to no end, and that you knew this, and that he knew that you knew this and that made it all the more amusing for him, and also that there was, in fact, nothing you could do about it. All this was encompassed in that single malevolent grin which, right now, was prompting an irresistible desire in Link to lay a good punch on that visage of self-satisfaction, and Link, unable to resist this desire (hence the word irresistible), did just that.

Had this situation been under different circumstances, Drake might've been rolling on the ground clutching a face that no longer sported the aforementioned malevolent grin and instead was much bluer and blacker in color than most faces of the human variety usually are, but seeing as the situation wasn't under different circumstances, he wasn't. Instead, he was smiling an even more malevolent grin, instantly and universally recognizable as the "hah,-you-just-tried-to-punch-me-in-the-face,-but-couldn't-on-account-of-I'm-an-entity-from-the-future-and-thus-have-yet-to-exist-and-am-therefore-impervious-to-physical-damage,-consequently-explaining-why-your-angry-fist-passed-through-where-my-body-seemed-to-be-instead-of-inflicting-the-intense-pain-that-you-were-(and-probably-still-are)-intent-on-inflicting-on-me" smile, which is a very irritating trick if you can do it.

Side Note: If you would like more information on this curious incorporeal asset of Drake, or indeed, about just who the hell this Drake dude is then...I'm afraid I can't help you. However, for a long, structure-less, wildly comical story to accompany this explanation, check out my friend Teo's (author name: Ninjaquail) corresponding Zelda fic (titled: From Good, to Bad, to What the ! is That?), the original volume of this non-chronological series which we have been collaborating on rather unsuccessfully since the moment it first popped into our disturbingly imaginative and disfigured heads. Back to this insane and inane story. (Yup...I just rhymed.)

Drake had long since mastered this smile and while its use would, under normal circumstances, be very specialized, Drake had in fact found it far more versatile and applicable a expression then one might expect, and one he had used countless times largely due to the fact that he was an entity from the future and therefore had yet to exist and was consequently impervious to physical damage and also, strangely enough, prone to frequently attracting violent, well-aimed punches.

Drake, having judged it the exact moment for optimal irritation, opened his mouth to repeat his words and with luck, begin the whole punch-miss-smile cycle that he so wickedly delighted in, but then caught Link's precarious look and thought better of it.

"That's right," Said Link in an icy voice, the kind that gave people severe hypothermia and frostbite-stolen appendages, "You better watch what comes out of your mouth next, because the wrong words will result in some hurting on your part, and if I have to hire a team of physicists to figure out how to exact pain on you, so help me God, I will. So...I'll ask you again, slowly, so you can understand me. Where. Are. We. Going?"

Drake briefly considered throwing caution to the wind and shooting for a nervous breakdown but then thought why throw gasoline on the fire? This was perhaps his third truly intelligent thought in almost as many years. Unfortunately, it was ruined when he considered how he liked to throw gasoline on fires, partly because he was something of a pyro, and partly because he thought throwing gasoline on fires was fun, which was in fact the same reason.

"Okay, fine. We're going to Ohio. Happy?" Admitted Drake sulkily. He had decided he was too lazy to keep the secret any longer, but that didn't mean he liked losing any less.

"Ohio?" Asked someone. It was Malon, and her normally very attractive face that was usually sporting a cheery smile, was looking instead like it been through hell, got lost on its way back, seen things ranch girls weren't meant to see, died a few times, and returned a little less sane than when things had started out, not to mention a little baggy around the eyes.

This was the look most faces quickly adopted after being around Drake too long, which generally meant just meeting him. She tossed aside a lock of her long red hair that had fallen lifelessly in front of her eyes and that was looking less like the flaming tresses of a beautiful maiden and more like a joyless red mop. "As in Cleveland, Ohio?"

"No duh. As if there's any other place in Ohio worth visiting." Drake replied absently, eyes scanning the immeasurably vast and impossibly purple "room" that the eight of them were standing in.

"I object to that comment. I've read all about Ohio, and it's a very interesting state with plenty to offer along with the prominent Cleveland. Always wanted to visit there. Too busy being raped by hoards of Gerudoes, though." Ganondorf said, in a girlishly pathetic voice that belied his huge stature and menacing demeanor.

"All right already with the stories of your childhood traumas, okay? That's the second time you've brought that up and that's two times too many. You've already succeeded in alienating and creeping out everyone here with the exception of Zelda whose hand is dangerously close to her crotch, the horny bitch, stop that right now, and Ruto whose horrible aquatic existence seems to have rendered her ridiculously obtuse and only vaguely aware of her immediate surroundings." Snapped Link angrily, attracting some nervous glances from most of his companions.

He was tired of this, dammit! Tired of jumping through inter-dimensional portals to strange places that made him question whether he was entirely sane. Tired of the way Ganondorf had snapped like a twig after revisiting a horrible part of his childhood that no one wanted to know about. Tired of dancing cartoons singing about Dora and blue dogs and talking mailboxes and giant purple dinosaurs all in need of a good eradicating. Tired of roller coasters that got stuck at the tops of loops and butt-raping hoboes and 60 plus mile death marches to obscure gas stations. But most of all, he was TIRED OF DRAKE! Tired of his non-existence, tired of his smirking demeanor, tired of his façade of stupidity, his myriad idiosyncrasies, and his ability to irritate even rocks out of the minds that they lacked. He needed a break. A way to escape it all.

"How do you even know what Ohio is anyway, Malon?" Asked the other giant hulk in the group, whose presence was hard not to notice. Darunia scratched the bald beige patch on the top of his head with his muscular sausage of a finger that closely resembled in circumference and diameter, the arm of a young, but burly child. "It's not part of our world, and I've certainly never heard of it."

"Oh, I don't know..." Replied a tired Malon with an apathetic wave of her hand. "I heard it somewhere. This is a fanfic. It doesn't have to make sense. A more important question would be: why the hell are we going there, dammit?" There had been time, long ago, when an innocent, naïve, little ranch girl named Malon would feel offended and uncomfortable by the use of even mild profanity. There had also been a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Her question had been directed at Drake, and as usual, he hadn't answered, preoccupied with scanning the millions of different inter-dimensional portals that lined every "wall" of the "room." He started to wander off in a very purposeful manner, something that looks very confusing to the eyes if you've ever seen it, purposeful wandering. She stormed after him, determined to get an answer if she had to bitch slap his nonexistent head into a nonexistent pancake.

Link's gaze followed her for a while, knowing that whatever she was about to do probably wasn't going to end well, and then turned back and took in the sight of "the Gang." Darunia and Ganondorf were busy arguing at the tops of their voices about Ohio, an event that most likely would end in sulky glares, but could just as easily escalate into blows, something that no one would want to be in the way of. Saria was standing a little ways off having lapsed into another period of thoughtful silence, something she did a little too often and that was never of any use to anyone. Zelda was in her post-horny mode which involved a lot of a different kind of moaning; you see, she was whining just for a change. Ruto resembled a piece of cardboard, in that she wasn't moving or talking (except for arbitrary and spontaneous exclamations of her amphibian nature, something along the lines of "I'm a fish!"), or indeed exhibiting any signs of intelligence.

Zelda's valley girl whine rose and fell in infuriating waves of volume, the heights of which cut through the din like a razor through a gay guy's leg hair.

"Okay, like, when are we going to get moving peoples? Let's go already! I'm, like, the princess so you all have to like, shut up and listen to me. We're going home! And I expect someone to carry me. I'm not walking another step. I'm, like, princess everyone! You have to obey me! Did I mention that I'm, like, the princess! Ruto, get over here on your knees and carry me. You'll be my royal horse, for lack of anything better."

"Fish?"

"No! Horse! You're my royal transportation device! On your knees!"

"Fish."

"Argh! Listen to me!" Screamed Zelda like a fingernail on the blackboard of everyone's soul.

"Shove her in that portal over there, will you, Darunia?" Asked Drake who had somehow appeared behind them, even though he hadn't changed direction. Another quirk of this godforsaken room. A very irate looking Malon followed closely behind scanning for something on which to inflict her terrifying and almighty wrath. (Apparently it hadn't worked so well on Drake, seeing as he didn't exist yet, so that had only served to fuel her anger). Her eyes lit upon the droning princess. In a flash, she reached out, grabbed a fistful of the raving Zelda's blond and disgustingly well-kept hair (She had spent three hours every morning fixing it, refusing to leave until it was done, which had resulted in her being left behind several times much to everyone's satisfaction, only to reappear again a few hours later, riding Ruto like a giant, blond, ass-wart). She then dragged the protest-screaming princess ("What are you doing you ranch bitch? You can't do this to royalty! Let go of me this instant! I'm a princess! Obey me!") to the edge of a particular ominous portal, and gave her royal ass a good boot into oblivion.

"Man, that felt good." Said Malon with a satisfied smile, suddenly in a much brighter mood. She turned back to the impressed stares of her friends. "Don't suppose you know where that led to, Drake?"

He shrugged indifferently. "Dunno. Hopefully a giant meat grinder. Anywho, on a different note, I think I've found what we're looking for." He declared triumphantly. He spun around, waving his hand in what he hoped was a very grandiose gesture, in the direction of another portal. In doing so he accidentally struck the dim-witted Ruto over her head and a loud, hollow drum-like sound was heard. Ruto wheeled over, tripped on one of her unwieldy fins, and plummeted into the same portal Zelda had just hopefully met her untimely demise in. Drake carried on, affecting not to have noticed, and everyone took his example and ran with it, as though nothing important had happened, which in reality, was true.

"This, if I'm not mistaken, which I often am, is the portal to Cleveland, Ohio-world. It's a world where only Cleveland, Ohio exists." Announced Drake wearing another smile, one that said he knew he had just said something that made no possible sense and that it was disconcerting you. The portal looked disappointingly identical to every other portal in the "room".

"And just how is that possible?" Wondered Link.

"Just think of it as a box with only Cleveland, Ohio in it." Explained Drake, or rather, failed to explain. Link's, Malon's, Darunia's, Ganondorf's, and Saria's faces were as blank as ever.

"Is that what it is, then?" Asked Saria, speaking for the first time in a while.

"No, not in the slightest, but it might help to think of if that way."

"Oh no you don't. I'm not about to plunge into another one of your hell holes without good cause. Why are we going to a Cleveland, Ohio-World?" Demanded Malon for the second time.

"There's an Al Han Mumbai concert there. We have to check it out. No arguments."

"Who the hell is Al Han Mumbai!" Malon shouted with frustration.

Drake's jaw dropped, his eyes lit aflame like bags of charcoal doused in lighter fluid. He stared at her incredulously.

"You don't know Mumbai? The Sultan of Eastern Pop Music? The Ali of Indian Rock? The God of the Sitar?" He exclaimed unbelievingly.

If the stares had been blank before they were now desolate, and contained perhaps just a little terror. They knew what Drake was capable of during these flights of hysteria.

"Hindu music, huh?" Said Link cautiously, "You like...Hindu music?"

"Duh. Who doesn't?" Answered Drake. A number of the people present raised their hands just give an example the "doesn't" crowd and by "a number of the people present", the author of course means everyone but Drake.

"Wow." Drake gazed at them all in disbelief, "You're like a bunch of uncultured swine."

There was a brief pause and then:

"Am I the only one who resents that comment?" Asked Saria, ever polite. She wasn't the only one who resented, but Drake could've cared less.

"Time for your musical education, children!" Called out Drake to the staring eyes of his friends, all full of exhaustion and uncertainty and just a little bit of blatant unforgiving hatred. Malon quickly interrupted before Drake could get on one of his rolls.

"How do you even know that this is the right portal? It looks exactly the same as every other one."

"Dunno. Just a hunch really." He replied as if it was beside the point. "Come on, peoples, we haven't got all day. Although, technically, seeing as this 'room' doesn't have a sun, we don't have any day at all."

"Oh no you don't," Link objected, "I'm not jumping on a hunch."

"I agree." Said Ganondorf.

"No one asked you, you walking wart." Replied Drake a wonderfully gracious voice, "But fine, send a test dummy down first, if it'll ease your minds. It'll be like sending a canary into the mine. Ganondorf'll do. If there are any objections speak now or forever hold you're peace. None?"

Ganondorf stared in bewilderment like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, "Wait a minute...I don't agr –"

"Too late." Said Darunia and with a nudge of his boulder-like shoulder (that rhymed) Ganondorf went plunging down into the portal like the ugliest canary that ever lived.

Anywho, that's the end of the first chapter. Its kind of like pistachio ice cream, either it's your kind of thing or isn't. Any thoughts you have, compliments, questions, hate mail, essays on the malleable nature of the human subconscious, would be heartily appreciated. (Yeah, I'm a liar. So sue me.) Review if you want to. Don't if you don't. Although, that's probably what you were gonna do whether or not I told you to.