A Fine Line
Barbara stood manning the command center of the Watchtower. She watched, as a live feed provided by M'gann's Bio-ship confirmed what she had quietly suspected from the moment Wally zetaed out. He had not survived this mission. Barbara clenched her hands into fists as she monitored the feed, shrunken in the corner of her screen. She tried her hardest not to frighten the younger members of the team who had not packed themselves into the ship headed for the Antarctic.
She hadn't gone. She hadn't gone out with them because someone had needed to stay behind and monitor the energy fields of the computer. It was a program she and Dick had designed together, and with one pleading look from the former Boy Wonder, she had wordlessly agreed to stay behind. Now, watching as M'gann tried in vain to comfort a sobbing Artemis, Barbara was glad she had kept the sound off. Out of the corner of the corner of her eye she could see Timmy and Garth and Cassie standing around, fear and uncertainty in their eyes. Barbara tried to swallow her emotions down as both images were seared into her mind.
In the tiny video she could see Dick, unmoving, standing apart from the others in the blowing wind. As the others slowly guided Artemis back into the Bio-ship, Dick remained frozen as a statue. Barbara wanted to call out to him, to patch herself into his com link, but she didn't. She had seen him like this before. Barbara knew what was coming. His body swayed on screen before something, probably someone calling his name, brought him back to focus and on to the Bio-ship.
By the time the team had made it back to the Watchtower, Artemis had found a way to pull herself together. Not by any stretch of the imagination was she normal, or fine, or even anywhere close to okay, but she was standing on her own, and no more tears clung to her cheeks. Barbara cringed inwardly seeing a dangerous mask starting to build itself on her blonde friend's face. The two of them locked eyes as the archer passed, and Barbara reached her fingers out brushing them softly over the other girl's arm.
"I'm fine," Artemis lied. Barbara did her the courtesy of not calling her bluff, or attempting to pull her in to a bone crunching hug as so many others did. She knew that if their positions were reversed, Barbara wouldn't want anyone to touch her. She would want to be left alone.
Despite protests from Barry, Bart, Kaldur, Dick, and M'gann, Artemis insisted on being the one to tell Wally's parents – and she demanded that she be allowed to do it alone. After she left, the others all stood around helplessly lost and in pain. People were holding each other, some openly crying, others angry or simply frozen in shock. Barbara took it all in, watching, memorizing, until her eyes fell on Dick, standing alone in the shadows. When it came to the men of the Batfamily, standing in the shadows never boded well.
"Dick," she whispered, moving to stand beside him. The boy stood unmoving, until Barbara reached her fingers out to grasp his own.
"Babs?" he said, as if coming out of a trance.
Barbara looked around carefully and squeezed his hand tighter, trying her hardest to bring him back to the present.
"Come with me," she insisted, leading him towards the zeta tubes, and keying in the coordinates for Blüdhaven. He goes willingly, following her as though in a trance until they're standing on the roof of his apartment. Barbara doesn't hesitate before picking the lock on his upper window and leading him into the converted warehouse. Slowly, she helps him remove the Kevlar plating from his uniform piece by piece. Dick moves methodically, separate from himself, until her fingers, now gloveless, slip over his cheek bone, brushing against his mask.
"Wait," he says, coming back to himself. He pulls the mask off himself, eyes scanning the open room. He blinks slowly before sitting down on the couch, pulling her along with him. "I'm don't even remember getting here, Barb," he tells her honestly.
"I know," she says, smiling at him sadly, her fingers running over the back of his bare hand.
"Wally…"
"I know."
And then she hugged him as tightly as she can, breathing in and out slowly, letting her own tears drop into his hair. Barbara can't help but remember another time when she'd had to hold a broken Dick Grayson in her arms, the night Jason had died. The night Dick had blamed himself for something no one could have really predicted. Barbara shakes, trying hard to separate herself from that memory, and the scenes from earlier today. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, she curses her memory – her gift – her curse. There will always be things she wishes she didn't have to remember in perfect striking detail. They stay like that for over and hour, not speaking, until Dick finally pulls himself from her.
"He's really gone…" Dick whispers, looking shattered. This too will be another image that Barbara will bear. But it doesn't take long for the look in Dick's eyes to change. It shifts effortlessly to one of determination, certainty and resolve. Barbara can't exactly say why, but the look scares her.
"Dick?" she questions, her nails digging unintentionally into the flesh of his hand.
"I'm fine," he says. And Barbara becomes more frightened; no one is suppose to be fine after this.
"No. Dick, don't do this."
He laughs a little, almost like he did when they were kids, almost like he hasn't done in the better part of a year. But it is the almost that makes it the worst. The laugh is only a shadow of what it used to be. He smiles, his blue eyes finding hers as he tries to smile.
"Babs," he says smoothly. Another mask, an intangible one, sliding its way onto his face. "It's going to be okay. I know I'm going to miss him, we all will, but he wouldn't want me to…" the mask slips ever so slightly, "He wouldn't want it to be like this."
"I know what you're thinking. But you can't. You can't leave," she blurts before she can stop herself. She had planned it so much more smoothly in her mind, but now she had started, she couldn't stop. "You can mourn, you're allowed, you can be sad, all of us are. We'll get thought this, but Dick Grayson, you can't leave. Artemis needs you, the team needs you," I need you, she stopped herself from adding aloud. Their relationship had finally truly started slipping into something more than friends – like he had been asking her for for years – before Batman and the other high level Leaguers had been called off world, before Dick had started slowly, unknowingly becoming Batman – before they had both been too busy for anything besides the occasional late night visit where neither one of them where willing to have that conversation.
Yes, he had lied to her, and yes she had a problem with that, but that was something they would be able to talk about, they'd be able to figure it out together, but only if he didn't do what she could see in his eyes; only if he didn't run.
He laughed again, this time it almost reached his eyes.
"Barbara," he said, his fingers slipping through her hair, "I'm fine. Well not fine, not yet, but it's going to be okay."
Maybe it was the absolute determination in his voice that bordered on obsession. Or maybe it was because she had wanted to believe him that Barbara allowed herself to pretend. She allowed herself to listen to the beautiful story Dick Grayson wove for her. They would figure this out, he promised. Together, the team would figure out what had happened to Wally, because, he said, he didn't really believe that the Speedster was dead – he had only "ceased."
Barbara listened, she let him talk, thinking that maybe, he could hold on, maybe he could keep it together long enough for all of them to heal together, even though a nagging part of her really didn't believe it. A secret part of her thought maybe, just maybe she could be enough to keep him grounded. She leaned her body into his hands. She knew how Dick coped with life. He needed to feel – he needed to physically be reminded of the world that he still lived in. They had done it before, and Barbara knew he had done it before with others; just to feel alive. Slowly, she tipped her face into his hand, pressing her lips firmly against his palm.
"It's going to be okay," she promised, nodding when he had finally quieted. His eyes dilated as they locked with hers. He pulled her in tightly to his body, almost crushing her with the force of his hug.
"Babs," he whispered into her hair. "I just… tonight… I just want to be able to hold you."
She was surprised, but said nothing, nodding her head and fitting her body more tightly against his as he pulled them both towards the unmade bed. With his arms around her, Barbara could feel her heart beat beginning to settle. She choked back the bile when the thought of Artemis alone tonight threatened to break her. She swore to herself she would check in with the archer tomorrow, feeling guilty at her own happiness in the arms of the boy she loved. Loved. Barbara swore to herself. She knew she had loved Dick Grayson for years, but had refused to tell him, despite his own proclamations. She had never wanted to give him the power to break her. She tightly interlaced her fingers with his, feeling him warm and solid behind her holding her as if his life depended on it.
"I love you," she whispered.
Dick laughed lightly, kissing the crown of her head. "I know," he whispered back, "I love you too, Babs."
The morning light slid across her face, making Barbara scrunch up her nose in displeasure. Shifting her weight, she reached back for the wonderful warmth she had fallen asleep next to. Only empty space met her hands. Barbara bolted from the bed.
He'd done it. He had done exactly what she'd been afraid he'd do. Barbara began swearing, quietly at first, but then she lost control. Her curses spilled from her mouth with anger and pain.
"Damn it, Grayson! Damn it!" She had trusted him. Barbara could feel the tears starting to sting the corners of her eyes. She was so angry, beginning to beat her hands into the pillow she didn't notice the person standing, watching her, with two cups of coffee in hand.
"Jesus, Babs," Dick laughed. "What did my pillows ever do to you?"
Barbara froze, her hand clenched in the air – mid strike. There he was, standing, real and looking relatively well put together, in front of her eyes.
"Coffee?" He held the cup out to her with a smirk. Shifting her weight, Barbara took the mug in her hands, staring down into the heavily milked coffee. She wished it were back, dark and bitter, but Dick knew she had had to stop drinking it like that years ago.
Sitting down next to her, Dick placed a kiss onto her forehead. He told her that there was fresh muffins waiting in the kitchen, and he apologized for not waking her when he'd stepped out to buy breakfast.
"You looked pretty cute," he teased, brushing her tangled hair back from her face. "We're going to have to head over to the Watchtower pretty soon."
"Already got the call?" she asked, taking a long sip of her coffee as the knots in her stomach started to dissipate. She leaned into him as he nodded.
"You were worried," he said after a while, and Barbara nodded, not wanting to admit that she had doubted him. Dick just nodded back with a sigh, pressing a kiss to her temple. He pulled back, still smiling. "Suit up. We'll take the zeta tube over."
Barbara pounded the rest of her coffee quickly before standing from the bed and locating the scattered pieces of her uniform – throwing his pieces into a small pile as she searched through them as well. The two of them were fairly well practiced at finding their similarly colored plates of armor.
Just as they were about to slip out onto the roof, Dick grabbed her around the waist, pulling her flush against his chest.
"Hey, Batgirl," he whispered, lips skimming over the edge of her skin. "I love you."
Barbara smiled, allowing herself to lean into him. "I love you too, Boy Wonder." And she had to stop herself from giggling as she pulled away to kiss him properly.
When they got to the Watchtower, they shared a smile, and one last kiss before pulling away with a wink.
"Start up the diagnostics from the Antarctic?" he asked. "I need to go find Kaldur."
Barbara watched him go with a smile, making her way over to the computer. She knew that there was a lot of data to go through, and she would be more than happy to start that process.
Three hours. Barbara forced herself to wait for three whole, antagonizing, hours, before she approached Kaldur. She had seen Dick talking with him, and then had very clearly noticed that Dick had not joined them for the debriefing. She had assumed that Dick had been asked to do something else, but now, the knots that she had worked so hard to untangle, we back, sitting tightly in her stomach.
"Aqualad?" she asked, reaching out to him. "Did you send D-, Nightwing out for something?"
Kaldur tilted his head, clearly perplexed.
"I did not," he stated. "He informed me that he… needed a break?"
Barbara stumbled back slightly; she imagined that she could hear the sound of breaking glass in her mind.
"A break?"
"Yes," Kaldur replied. "I apologize… I had assumed… That is, I thought he would have…" But he couldn't finish any of the sentences he started. Barbara smiled at him, but she couldn't speak.
"You have to go," he whispered. "I understand."
Barbara had to stop herself from running to the transportation center of the tower. She managed to control herself long enough to make a call before she truly allowed herself to panic. She punched in the code for The Cave.
"Batgirl?" Bruce's voice asked clearly in her ear.
"Is he with you?"
"…You're going to have to be more specific…?"
"Dick. Is he with you?" She had to struggle to keep her voice calm. Mentally, she knew Bruce would be…displeased… that she had used a civilian name over the com link, but right this second, she didn't care.
"I haven't seen him. Should he be here?"
Barbara could feel her body starting to shake. "He just told Aqualad that he needed a break," she managed to say. The silence that followed told her all that she needed to know. After a minute, she could hear the rapid striking of computer keys.
"We will find him, Barbara. Batman over and out." And her com went quiet.
She made it to his apartment faster than she ever had before. She wanted to be surprised by what she saw, but she wasn't. Things had been picked up, everything but the kitchen, where two uneaten muffins still sat in a brown paper bag.
"Richard Grayson," she hissed. "When I get my hands on you…so help me…"
Barbara tried calling him. She tried on his cell phone. Six times. Six straight to voicemail calls. On the sixth call, she finally left a message:
"You know who this is," she stated, struggling to keep anything close to tears from her voice. "You know damn well who this is, and damn well why I am calling. You need to call me back. Come back, and we'll talk, okay?" She cringed at the crack in her voice. "Just…come home, okay?"
She tried calling on his com link, but after twenty minutes, even she had to admit that that wasn't going to work. Barbara sank down onto the floor of his apartment, snippets of life flashing through her mind.
"Hey, Batgirl," he whispered, lips skimming over the edge of her skin. "I love you."
Barbara smiled, allowing herself to lean into him. "I love you too, Boy Wonder."
"You looked pretty cute," he teased, brushing her tangled hair back from her face.
She tightly interlaced her fingers with his, feeling him warm and solid behind her holding her as if his life depended on it.
"I love you," she whispered.
Dick laughed lightly, kissing the crown of her head. "I know," he whispered back, "I love you too, Babs."
"Barbara Gordon," he whispered. "I love you, you know how much I love. I swear, I will do whatever it takes. Anything, to make this work."
She laughed at him, kissing him on the nose. He knew she wasn't ready to say it, but he didn't care, he held her anyway.
His arms had held her tightly, his face within inches of hers as they stood on the steps to his loft.
"You know I love you, Barb. Remind me again why we're not together?" She laughed brushing her nose to his.
"Because, in the immortal words of Wally West – You're a dog, Dick Grayson. You're not ready for me…yet."
"Then why come tonight?" he asked, already pulling her up the stairs.
"It's your birthday, Hero. Or at least it was when I got here. So if it's all right with you…" she had trailed off, placing a quick kiss on his lips. "Let's just spend a little time together."
The closet was dark, and Barbara could still hear the sounds of their classmates giggling outside the door. It was Dick's fourteenth birthday, and Barbara had "won" him in a game of spin the bottle.
"We don't have to do this…" he whispered.
"I want to," and she leaned in and kissed him like she had wanted to for the past year and a half.
Barbara squeezed her eyes shut tight, pressing the heels of her hands to her face. She willed the memories to stop, begged and pleaded with her mind not to take her down the fine line that had always been their relationship.
She could stop the memories, but she couldn't stop the tears, so she gave up. She pulled herself slowly up and into the bed, hugging his pillow tight into her chest. And there she cried herself to sleep, not willing to deal with the pain that he had caused her. Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would be strong. She would be the leader that the team deserved. The strength that Tim would need to get over the fact that he had been left, again. The brains to operate the massive computer network that she and Dick had designed, and now she alone would wield. Tomorrow, she would put the throbbing pain in her chest behind her. The pain for the boy she had finally worked up the courage to admit to loving. The pain caused by the boy for whom she hadn't been enough to make stay. All of this could be tomorrow. But for tonight, she would cry herself to sleep.
AN:
So this is actually a pre story to a much bigger story that I am currently working on. That story will be more Batfamily than anything else - but such is life. Thanks for your feedback.
Also Disclaimer: The section where Dick says "Remind me why we aren't together" that whole piece there is lifted dialogue from the last YJ comic. It does not belong to me even a little.