What is this I don't even.
Tucker and Danny's Valentine's Day Nonadventure
Valentine's Day was not Tucker's favourite day. This one was worse than average.
He and Danny were standing in his backyard, standing in front of a small cardboard box next to a small hole. Danny was reading from a PDA Owner's Manual as Tucker wept profusely next to him.
"Alright, it's done," he sighed, closing the book, "We gonna bury it or what?"
"…I didn't even get to say goodbye!" whimpered Tucker.
"Tuck, do we have to do this every time you break a PDA?" asked Danny.
"Just bury it!" exclaimed Tucker, "Let it be over!"
Danny rolled his eyes, pulled an MP3 player from his pocket and pressed play. A rather tinny recording of Amazing Grace began to play. Tucker gingerly placed the box into the hole – sorry, grave – and Danny began to kick dirt into it to bury it.
"Alright, there, done," grunted Danny, "Can we go now?"
"Why'd she have to die today?" demanded Tucker, "On Valentine's Day! Why?!"
He fell to his knees and screamed at the sky. Danny buried his head in his hands.
"Look, I've got twenty bucks," he said, "How about we go to the Nasty Burger and eat our problems away, alright?"
Tucker nodded and wiped his eyes.
"Alright," he croaked.
The Nasty Burger was pretty quiet – there were three other tables occupied, aside from theirs. These tables were being used by an old couple engaged in a heated argument about loose change, two teenagers drinking colas and staring wistfully at each other, and a guy trying to have a date with his vacuum cleaner.
Tucker had long forgotten his deceased PDA (in fact, he seemed to have produced another one – Danny didn't know where from) and was now taking a bite from a very large and rather rancid-looking burger.
"Well, glad you're happier," said Danny.
"Happier about what?" asked Tucker.
"…the PDA funeral?" reminded Danny.
"That was half-an-hour ago, Danny," sighed Tucker, "I've moved on."
"Of course," muttered Danny.
"Hey, dipstick, stop bumping the seat."
"You stop bumping the…"
Danny looked over the back of his seat and froze.
Ember was sitting at the table behind him, fiddling idly with the strings on her guitar. For some reason, she had two heads.
"…what," blurted Danny.
"What?" demanded Ember's left head.
"You have two heads," noted Danny.
"…and?" snapped Ember's right head.
"…you're not supposed to have two heads," finished Danny.
"So?" grunted Ember's left head, "It's our body. You can't tell us what to do with it!"
"Yeah, but nature can," Tucker pointed out, "You don't just grow a second head."
"You do if you go to Desiree," said Ember's right head.
"Why the heck what you wish for two heads?" demanded Danny.
"Well, its Valentine's Day and we broke up with Skulker four months ago, so…" Ember's left head began to explain.
Danny went pale.
He leapt to his feet, ran outside the restaurant and screamed. It was a magnificent scream, lasting for forty full seconds in its disgusted, high-pitched glory. When he finished, he ran away down the street sobbing in horror.
Tucker winced, shrugged and ran after his friend.
Ember's left head smirked.
"Hook, line and sinker," she chuckled.
"He really thought we were dating each other," said Ember's right head, shaking her…err…right head, "If only he knew…"
"Yeah," snorted Ember's left head, "He'd flip if he knew we were dating his sister."
Danny and Tucker were in an ice-cream parlour. Danny was gouging ice-cream and crying softly to himself.
"It could be worse," shrugged Tucker.
"How?" demanded Danny.
"She could be dating your sister," reminded Tucker.
Danny slammed his face into the ice cream.
"Yeah, didn't think you wanted to hear that," nodded Tucker.
After about an hour of ice cream sorrow drowning, Danny and Tucker decided to find somewhere else to have lunch, as their earlier attempt had been disrupted by horrible mental images. Since Danny had the recaller that he'd gotten from Jimmy Neutron in the first Nicktoons game (which was never mentioned again), he decided to use it to travel to the Krusty Krab because…well, why not?
"So," mused Tucker, "We're in an underwater restaurant eating burgers. You ever wonder what these are made of?"
"Some things, you're better off not knowing," shrugged Danny.
"You know, this'd better without all the face-sucking going on," grumbled Tucker.
At the cash register, Squidward was trying to remove a face-sucking parasite from his face.
"Yeah, those parasites are a problem," nodded Danny.
"So, how's Spongebob these days?" asked Tucker.
"Pretty fine," shrugged Danny, "Kinda weird really. I mean, over the last few months, he got turned into a jellyfish-hybrid, he got mind-controlled and turned into a dragon and he got his body stolen by a demonic cloak, yet he doesn't even have any post-traumatic stress or anything…"
"…and you can read about all those things in my Nicktoons series!" said the author, randomly walking past.
Danny and Tucker stared for a moment, before carrying on.
"So, I heard he had this thing with a squirrel?" asked Tucker.
"Sandy, yeah," nodded Danny, "They like each other, they just haven't admitted it to each other…"
"…like you and Sam," nodded Tucker.
"Like wha?"
"Clueless."
Danny blinked and shrugged.
"…but yeah, it's only a matter of time if you ask me."
"What kind of kids would a sponge and a squirrel have?" quizzed Tucker.
"Like I said," reminded Danny, "Some things, you're better off not knowing."
Meanwhile, the Queen Elizabeth 2 sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. Why am I telling you this? Pointless shipping!
LAUGH POLITELY
Danny and Tucker walked back to Fenton Works, the sun going down on the horizon.
"Well, you buried a PDA, I got horribly squicked, we talked about interspecies relationships – today was pretty pointless!" nodded Danny.
"Although we did learn the true meaning of friendship," nodded Tucker.
"What? No we didn't!" snapped Danny.
"Well, we could have," shrugged Tucker.
They arrived at Fenton Works to find Sam, Timmy, Jimmy and Spongebob hanging out on the porch.
"Hey guys!" greeted Danny, "What're you doing here?"
"Uh…well…" began Jimmy.
"There's something going on inside which you might not like," added Sam.
"…so we're here to break it to you gently," finished Spongebob.
Timmy said nothing, instead putting on a combat helmet.
"What're you talking about?" quizzed Danny, "It can't be that bad, right?"
He opened the door. His eyes fell on the couch.
He froze. His jaw dropped.
"Yeah," nodded Timmy, "Ember's dating your sister."
The astronaut was on a spacewalk outside the International Space Station, far above the world.
Suddenly, an ear-splitting scream filled the usually soundless void all around. The astronaut winced.
"Houston – we have a problem," he radioed.
...yeah, this is what happens when I write a Valentines Day story.