To the Victor Goes The Spoils
By Galaxy1001D
Rated 'T' for language, violence and sexual humor.
Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer, the author, or this website.
"Grrr!" Ryoko growled like an animal. It took all of her self-control not to grab the computer monitor and throw it across the room.
"What's wrong now, Ryoko?" Ayeka, the first princess of Jurai asked her rival. "Do you have split ends again?"
"No, it's this total buttmunch on the web who calls himself 'Adrian Vickers!'"
"Indoor voice, please," Ayeka sniffed haughtily. "What did this 'Adrian Vickers' do to upset you?"
"First he blasts every Tenchi Muyo fan fiction story on the website, and then he writes a total piece of crap!"
"Tenchi Muyo? Ah," the purple-haired princess nodded in understanding.
The trouble had started when Nobuyuki had complained about the cost of house repairs and homeowner's insurance. Ever since the intergalactic females had moved into the Masaki house, destruction was commonplace. Usually it was because of the not-so-subtle rivalry between the notorious space pirate Ryoko and Ayeka, the beautiful first princess of Jurai. Sometimes an experiment by Washu, the greatest mad scientist in the universe, would get out of control. Sometimes the clumsiness of Mihoshi, the bubble headed blonde Galaxy Police Detective, would break something.
So one day, Mihoshi decided to do something to contribute to the house's finances. She went to Tokyo, and talked to some animae producers, and sold the rights to their story in Tenchi's name. Nobuyuki and Katsuhito would be trustees until Tenchi turned twenty-one. Now Tenchi's dad had enough money to feed his family's extraterrestrial boarders and pay for house repairs.
Unfortunately, this also meant that most of Japan was familiar with the situation at the Masaki shrine, even if they believed Tenchi Muyo to be a work of fiction. Worse yet, Mihoshi's rambling and incoherent storytelling style had resulted in many contradictory tales about the residents of the Masaki house. For example, it was unclear whether Ryoko or Washu had spent seven hundred years trapped in the Masaki shrine, or whether Tenchi's deceased mother was called Achika or Kiyone.
As a result, a rather confused fan base emerged. Debates over the Internet raged over which girl Tenchi should settle down with. Stories appeared on fan fiction sites with the Masaki family as the protagonists. Some fans had gone as far as writing themselves into their stories so they could vicariously date the young beauties of the Masaki house.
The members of the house had mixed feelings over their fame. Tenchi was mortified, for it seemed that the entire world was speculating over his love life. Washu thought the entire thing was hilarious, but soon became fascinated the way total strangers could sometimes get lucky and describe the family so accurately. As damage control, she created a subliminal program to make sure that anyone who saw the show would believe the entire story was fictitious. Ayeka was honored that even a backwater planet like Earth knew of her popularity, and even contributed a story herself once. Ryoko thought the whole thing was stupid at first, but earlier this week Mihoshi got her to read the stories her fans had written.
It seemed like nine out of ten stories featured Ryoko in a very positive light. Over fifty percent of them featured Tenchi declaring his love for Ryoko and marrying her. It wasn't long before she became addicted to Tenchi Muyo fan fiction. She had spent the last two days spending most of her time at the computer reading Tenchi Muyo stories. Apparently she finally read one she didn't like. The cyan haired space pirate was livid and Ayeka didn't know whether to flee the room or burst out laughing.
"Well, let me see this story that has upset you so much, Ryoko," the purple-haired princess seized the opportunity to show her superiority before her rival. When she sat down before the computer, she remembered why she didn't read very much fan fiction. "Goodness, the spelling is atrocious," she sniffed disdainfully. Then her eyes lit up. "There's a site called 'ayeka dot net'?" she gloated. "Imagine that? Are there any 'Ryoko dot nets'? There aren't, are there? A ha-ha-ha!"
"Quit readin' the author's notes!" Ryoko growled. "Get on with the story!"
"Are you sure this is such a bad story?" Ayeka teased. "It says here that story has been voted 'the top rated heart pumping action and drama story' by a number of different fan sites."
"That's a bunch of hooey!" Ryoko's arm gestured in dismissal. "Adrian Vickers has been slamming every Tenchi story on the net and saying that he could do so much better. I checked around. He hasn't even posted at those sites!"
"Really?" Ayeka's tone was skeptical.
"You gonna believe a guy who can't even spell?"
"Good point," the princess conceded, then turned to read the story displayed on the monitor. "Let's see, To the Victor Goes the Spoils. Tenchi is leaving for high school…Good heavens, is that they way he spells 'school'? Dear me…Tenchi is attacked by some boorish westerner…Tsk, tsk, such language! No wonder this story is rated 'mature'… What's this?" The princess read the words verbatim. "'Ayeka tried activating her timber bits (whatever they are)'?" Ayeka's laugh sounded like the Wicked Witch of the West. "A ha-ha-ha! Oh Ryoko, this idiot doesn't even know what he's talking about! How could you let this fool upset you so?" Ayeka's face then scowled with irritation. "Oh, please! Like this fellow could defeat Lord Yosho so easily…Oh come on! The light hawk wings are the most powerful defense in the universe, and this 'Christian' is capable of vanquishing them with a primitive firearm? As if bullets could pierce the protection of the light hawk wings!"
"Keep reading, it gets worse," Ryoko goaded.
"Oh my god! He's raping you!" A horrified Ayeka put her hands over her mouth.
"That's just the warm up," the space pirate crossed her arms and shook her head. "Wait 'til you see what he does to you."
"T-to me?" squeaked a nauseated Ayeka. "W-what about m-me?"
"Read on, I dare ya," Ryoko smiled evilly, but her eyes held no warmth.
Ayeka's face was drained of all its color as she read silently. Finally she closed her eyes and shook her head so violently that her tears hit the monitor. "No! No! H-how, how dare he write this filth!" she cried. "He boasts that he can write better than anyone else and he dares to post this trash! It's an insult! It's horrible! Horrible!"
"Aww, what's the matter, Ayeka," Ryoko teased. "Did we forget to use the indoor voice?"
"I can't take it anymore!" Ayeka cried. "I'm going to skip to the end of this story so I can see the villain get his comeuppance!"
"Oh his come gets its uppance all right," grumbled Ryoko.
"WHAT!" The princess shrieked after she scrolled down the story's end.
"You have such a lovely indoor voice," Ryoko murmured sarcastically. "How could you let this fool upset you so?"
"He sells me into slavery?!" Ayeka gasped. "My n-name is 'M-milk Jugs'?"
"That's right, 'Milk Jugs'," said a merciless Ryoko. "He sells us into sexual slavery and gets away with it. Not bad for a simple kickboxer from the states, huh?"
"This is outrageous!" Ayeka gritted her teeth and fixed Ryoko with a look of such hate that one would have thought the pirate wrote that horrible story. "This trash ought to be banned from the site! This isn't about sex; it's about pain and degradation! Adrian Vickers has a sick mind if he thinks anyone would approve of this smut!"
"I'll bet 'Christian' is his real name," Ryoko mused. "That's the name of his character. I'll bet it's a self-insert." Now that Ayeka was almost mad enough to be foaming at the mouth, the space pirate seemed to have acquired an unnatural calm. "He seems to hate women in general and Tenchi Muyo in particular. I wonder what his beef is?"
"Aha!" Washu's outburst made both women jump. "This is a question that only a genius can solve! What's got to the two of you so upset?"
Washu was on tiptoes leaning over their shoulders to peer at the computer screen and Tenchi Masaki was discreetly standing in the doorway watching them. There was a silent pause as both women wondered how long the redheaded scientist and Japanese boy had been eavesdropping on them. Finally Ayeka got up from the computer and embraced Tenchi to cry on his shoulder. Ryoko gestured for the short supergenius to sit in her place. "Go ahead and see for yourself, Washu," The pirate's voice was lifeless.
"Hmm, To the Victor Goes the Spoils…" The pint-sized scientist read. Soon Washu was convulsing in hysterical laughter. "This? This is what has you so upset?" Washu's insane chortles echoed throughout the house. "The guy's a moron!"
"It's no laughing matter, Washu!" Ryoko insisted. "What if this guy is dangerous? A sicko with this much hate and spite is a menace! Sure he's happy fantasizing about making girls suffer now, but how much longer until he tries to act out his fantasies?"
"Hmm, good point," Washu stoked her chin thoughtfully. "This guy could be a serial killer in the making…"
"Aren't all of you overreacting?" Tenchi asked.
"Ooh!" Mihoshi entered the room to see what all of the commotion was about. "Is Ayeka all right?"
"She's fine," Tenchi sighed. "She's just upset because of an obscene story posted on a Tenchi Muyo website."
"That 'Adrian Vickers' fellow has some nerve," Ayeka sobbed on Tenchi's shoulder. "He insulted the single story I posted to the site and he has the audacity to claim he could do better…"
"Adrian Vickers?" Mihoshi asked, tears welling up in her innocent blue eyes. "He said that my story Mihoshi's Happy Day was the worst thing that he ever read in his life!"
"Mihoshi?" Tenchi groaned. "You too? Don't any of you have anything better to do than to waste time on the computer?"
At that moment, Sasami walked by with a full laundry basket. "What's going on?" asked the innocent blue-haired girl. "Is everyone having a party?"
"No, Sasami," Ayeka broke away from Tenchi's embrace to glare at the computer. "Someone on the Internet needs a lesson in web etiquette."
"No," Tenchi corrected. "Someone in this room needs a reality check. From the sounds of things this guy is just trying to get attention, and you're giving it to him! If you let this guy upset you, he is just going to have control of you. Take control of your own lives and move on!"
"Tenchi," Ayeka and Ryoko silently said his name as their teary eyes met his. Their grateful smiles warmed the hearts of Mihoshi and Sasami. Washu ignored them and kept on typing at the keyboard.
Tenchi noticed that he had their attention and decided to continue. "Look, this guy obviously wants to pick a fight with someone out there and if you write back to him, you're just going amuse him. The best idea is to ignore him completely. Don't read his story. Don't respond to his posts. Don't respond to his mean comments about your stories. If you all ignore him completely, that will hurt him more than anything you could say to him. He'll eventually get bored and go bother someone else. You could report him to the site monitor if you feel you have to, but I wouldn't waste a single second even thinking about this guy, okay?"
"I know!" Ryoko hit her fist with her hand. "I'll write a story where we all get together and kick his ass!"
"That's a great idea!" Ayeka smiled.
"Wonderful!" Mihoshi declared.
"Didn't any of you listen to me?" Tenchi crossed his arms and tapped his foot. "Giving this guy that kind of attention is exactly what he wants. Post that story and he'll never stop bugging you."
The three women glanced at each other and then blushed and looked at the floor.
"I suppose you're right," Ayeka murmured. "That would be awfully immature…"
"It wouldn't be very nice either," Mihoshi agreed. "As a Galaxy Police officer I shouldn't lower myself to his level."
"You're right, Tenchi," Ryoko chuckled sheepishly. "Only a total idiot would be dumb enough to post a story like that!"
"That's right," Ayeka cackled self-consciously. "Posting a story like that would make everyone on the web think that the author was a total loser with nothing better to do than to get in fights with total strangers."
"Kind of like Adrian Vickers himself," giggled Mihoshi.
"That's right," Tenchi smiled. "There is already one no-talent childish personality out there wrecking it for everybody. The Internet doesn't need two."
"Yes," agreed Ayeka. "Its better to keep quiet and let everyone think you're a fool than to open up your mouth and remove all doubt!"
Tenchi and the girls shared some heartwarming laughter. Who would be stupid enough to write such a meanspirited, childish story? All of them were big enough to take a few insults.
Washu stopped typing and turn to Tenchi and the others. "Ah…here he is, Adrian Vickers. I've traced him to the town of Blue Balls in the USA. Here's the address, girls!"
"So that's where he is, eh?" Ayeka sneered evilly. "Now we'll make him pay!"
"What?" Tenchi was horrified, as the bead of sweat that appeared on his face showed.
"Hey Washu," an evil smile started to form on Ryoko's face. "There's a lot of guys that trash Tenchi Muyo on the web. I don't suppose that you could trace them too?"
"Why sure!" Washu winked cheekily at Ryoko. "I can even create a program that will scan the chatrooms for you and give you their home addresses."
"Why thank you," Ryoko cracked the knuckles on her fist as she grinned determinedly at the offending computer. "That's just what the doctor ordered."
"Now wait a minute!" Tenchi protested. "You can't go and harass people just because of something they wrote on the web! That's illegal!"
"Pirate," Ryoko shrugged.
"Ohh," Tenchi doubled over in pain as he squeezed his forehead with both hands. "Why did I ever let her watch Pirates of the Caribbean?"
"Washu, I have a list of people from the Tenchi chatrooms…" Ryoko began.
"I have a list too!" Ayeka interrupted. "There's some mean people out there and I want them to pay!"
"Why Princess, I didn't know you spent so much time online," Washu smirked. "Sure, I can trace 'em. I'll have their locations ready for you in a half hour!"
In the skies above Blue Balls, an average city in the United States, a UFO was sighted. Residents reported a strange brownish gray spiky object that had a red sphere on top floating over the town. Before the United States Air Force could respond, the object vanished without a trace.
At an ordinary apartment, there was a knock at the door. A man with golden brown hair and a clean-shaven face opened the door, totally unprepared for the sight that greeted him. "Wha?" he muttered stupidly, whiskey on his breath.
Standing at his door was two beautiful women. They were dressed in strange costumes.
The older one was dressed in a white dress with red leggings and a jacket with green and gold sleeves. Her hair was a greenish white and was wild and spiky. Her ears seemed long and animal like. The pupils of her golden eyes didn't seem perfectly round; they were nearly vertical like a cat's. He would have noticed this if he hadn't been peering at her cleavage.
The younger girl had ruby red eyes and hair of the deepest violet. Although it was difficult to see from the door her purple tresses coiled down her back all the way to her knees in two long ponytails. She was wearing a strange outfit that seemed more appropriate for a samurai warrior or a Jedi knight than a college girl. Her red robes had pink and purple trim. Her violet bangs hid an intricate bronze or golden tiara from view. When she moved the slash in her robe revealed silky white bare legs. Over her shoulder, a baldric held a wooden sword called a boku-toh against her back. Unlike the predatory look of her companion, this girl's face was a picture of girlish innocence, and that made the expression of contempt and hostility that marred her delicate features seem entirely out of place.
"Hi," said the one with the wild cyan hair. When she spoke, her incisors revealed their preternatural length, and that made her seem even more feral and dangerous. "Are you 'Adrian Vickers'?"
The man gave a smelly belch to give him time to clear his alcohol muddled head. "Yeah, who wants ta know?"
"Do you ever read or critique fan fiction?" Asked the violet-haired vixen who stood behind the animalistic amazon. Her voice was so delicate and high-pitched that she sounded more like a bird or a flute than a woman.
"Fan fiction? Sometimes…" shrugged the man, trying to remember where he had seen these two before. Their appearance was so distinctive.
The feral female grinned maliciously, and her incisors looked more like a vampire's fangs than a human's teeth. "Did you write a story called To the Victor Goes the Spoils?
"Yeah, but could I ask a question? Who are you two hoes?" The man became defensive. "Did you go to a convention or…" He never got the rest of his question out.
"It's me, 'Milk Jugs'!" the violet tressed vixen slapped him in the face. "Recognize me now?"
"So my story Ryoko Gets The Guy is 'crap', huh?" the fanged female punched him in the stomach. "Your story said that 'Christian' was a kickboxer, eh? What do you think of our foot work?" As the portly man clutched his stomach a crimson stockinged knee collided with his face, causing his nose to make a sickening crunching sound. Before he could react, the woman's foot struck the dangly collection of objects concealed in the crotch of his pants.
The man collapsed to the ground, but heroically managed to gasp out a number of profanities inappropriate to a story with a 'T' rating. The purple-haired girl started viciously kicking him while screaming at him and shouting things like: "So Ayeka Lives Happily Ever After is 'overrated' huh? 'Overrated!' I'll show you who's overrated!"
The bestial beauty put her hands together and crimson energy appeared and coalesced into the shape of a baseball bat. "You said my story had no humor!" The cyan haired woman growled. "I think locking a naked Ayeka outside when it's snowing is plenty funny! You wouldn't know humor if it bit ya on the ass!" She started beating him like a seal and his pants were stained by a rank yellow moistness as his ribs made cracking noises.
Less than an hour later, the citizens of London, England reported a strange spiked object in the sky. Before the Royal Air Force could respond the object made a feline meowing sound and disappeared.
"Sithlord3000?" A beautiful cyan haired woman asked a gentle bespectacled man who lived in a flat in the West End. "Did you post a comment at Fans of Sasami dot net that Ayeka and Ryoko were lesbians?"
"Why yes, I did. Why do you ask?" He smiled congenially.
"Get him!" the woman in the Ryoko costume shouted as the girl in the Ayeka costume pulled a wooden sword out of its scabbard.
The natives of Tokyo, Japan noticed a brown, spiky spaceship in the air above the city, but since it wasn't a giant monster or a robot they decided to ignore it.
"DragonballzRgreat?" Asked a purple-haired siren. "Did you post a statement that said that Princess Ayeka and the space pirate Ryoko were two lazy selfish trollops who sit on their behinds all day and eat rice crackers?"
"What?" Replied the catholic priest. "Why yes, I suppose so…"
The two women proceeded to remove his feces by beating it out of him.
Meanwhile, back at the Masaki house, Tenchi engaged in one of his favorite pastimes: fretting.
"What am I gonna do?" He whined. "If they don't kill someone they'll have so many government agencies looking for aliens they'll have to leave the planet! Why did Washu have to help them track down those Internet geeks? What was she thinking?"
As if in answer, he heard Washu's voice call out to him. "Hey, Tenchi..."
The boy gasped as he saw the ingenious redhead saunter down the stairs. She no longer appeared to be a four-foot child like she did earlier that day. She was now a fully adult young woman in her twenties wearing a slinky black dress. A leather choker, fishnet stockings, spiked heels and arm length opera gloves completed her ensemble.
"I just put Sasami to bed. Mihoshi is out on patrol and your father is away on a business trip," She winked cheekily. "Looks like we got the place to ourselves, huh?" The sultry grin on her face gave the boy a nosebleed.
END