Experienced Advice – 1992
"Albus I need your help," said Severus from the doorway.
Albus froze, quill hovering over a letter to Fudge. A single drop of black ink slowly rolled down and dropped onto the page with a small slotch. Slowly Albus swivelled around to stare at the Potions Master before shaking his head and saying, "Sorry Severus, I thought I heard you asking for help. My old ears must finally be failing me."
"No," said Severus, his voice low. "You heard correctly."
Albus blinked at him. Then he finally gathered his wits together and said, "I see. Come and sit." He indicated the seat opposite him.
"I'd rather stand," said Severus. Albus noticed he was fiddling with the edge of his robe, something Severus never did.
"I see," said Albus again. "Off you go, my lad."
Severus took a deep breath and plunged on. "Alright. I need help with a girl."
"A girl?" asked Albus, choking somewhat over the last word.
Severus rolled his eyes before saying, "Well, not a girl. A woman."
"A woman?" asked Albus, eyes wide.
"You're not helping, Albus."
"Of course, of course," said Albus. "Maybe we should walk." He rose and indicated the stairs leading down. It was nearly lunchtime after all.
Severus nodded and they set off down the steps. They had just passed the gargoyle when Albus asked, "What exactly is your problem, Severus?"
"Well," said Severus. He was definitely fiddling with his robe now. "I don't know if she returns my … feelings."
"What feelings might those be?" Albus asked. Was it too much to hope for?
Severus glared at Albus. "It is stinging enough to my soul to admit it to myself, let alone to you."
"I see," said Albus. Inside he was struggling not to do a jig inside. Severus Snape! In love! That was something. "Who, pray tell, is the lucky girl?" he asked. He was chancing his arm, he knew, but it was worth a try.
"You really think I am going to tell you that?" Severus asked, a dark eyebrow raised.
Albus shrugged. "At least tell me what she's like?"
Severus sighed and obliged. "Alright. She's funny, intelligent, ridiculous and – you know what, just imagine the opposite of me."
Albus walked on in thought for a while before saying, "Well, I'm sort of getting an image of a short, fat angel with a brain the size of a pea, the tact of a bludger and the guts of a squashed rat."
"What's your point?" Severus snapped.
"My point is that she cannot actually be that different from you," said Albus.
There was silence for a while. Eventually he said, "I guess so."
"So why do you say you love her?" Albus asked.
"I never said any such thing!" snapped Severus.
"So you don't?" said Albus, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes," said Severus eventually, "I do."
"So, why do you say so?" Albus pressed him.
"Because," said Severus slowly, "she's managed to worm her way into my head."
"Charming," said Albus, trying to resist the urge to smile.
"I think about her when I've got nothing to do and even when I do have something to do I think about her anyway. I've started seeing her in other things. I've started wondering what she'd think of things. I've started to change."
"Really?" said Albus.
"Yes," said Severus. The poor man looked almost miserable. "I've changed the colour of the chairs in my rooms to green instead of black. I've started letting in more light into my office. I've started talking to people. Gryffindor has actually been earning some points this year."
"My, my," said Albus. It was all he could do not to smile. Whoever this woman was, he would gladly have given her a medal in that moment.
"That's not the worst though," said Severus darkly.
"Really?" asked Albus. "I'm dying to hear more."
"Not this you're not," said Severus. (Even more darkly.)
"Go right on, my lad," said Albus.
"I've started to think … thoughts I shouldn't," said Severus. His face was hidden behind a curtain of black hair, but Albus was certain that he was turning red. It suddenly occurred to him that Severus' hair was a great deal less greasy than it usually was, and had even began to take on an almost shiny quality.
"Severus," he said sternly, "have you been washing your hair?"
"So what if I have?" Severus' defensive tone said it all. "And aren't we going to start addressing my problem?"
"What problem?" asked Albus, genuinely confused.
"I said it once, I'm not saying it again!" snapped Severus.
"Oh," said Albus. He pretended to sink into thought for a while before saying, "Well I'll have you know you aren't the only one with that problem," he said.
"Really?" said Severus, voice heavy with sarcasm.
"Really," said Albus, maintaining a straight face.
"Wonderful," said Severus heavily. Then, as a thought occurred to him, "You're not talking about Lockhart are you?"
In reality Albus had been thinking about himself, but Lockhart was an ample distraction from that. "I suppose so," he said.
"Lockhart doesn't count," said Severus savagely.
"So what do you intend to do about her?" Albus asked.
"That's the problem," sighed Severus. "I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't just tell her!"
"Why not?"
Severus gave him his best 'isn't it obvious' glare before realising that Albus meant it. "I can't just come out and say it!" he spluttered.
"I suppose it would be inconsistent with everything she knows about you so maybe not," said Albus thoughtfully. Severus rolled his eyes and waited for a barrage of wise advice. "Has she professed interest in spending time with you, Severus?"
"Yes," said Severus instantly.
"Does she enjoy your company?"
"Last I looked, yes."
"Does she have a good heart?"
"Yes!" Merlin's beard, where is this going?
"Then what should hold you back?"
"I'm … not certain."
"Well, in that case, you will only be certain when you know whether she returns you affections," – Severus winced at that word – "if you ask her. And, since you do not seem to be able to do such a thing, do what I did."
"What did you do?" asked Severus.
"I walked up to her and gave her a kiss on the lips," said Albus, face perfectly straight.
"What?" asked Severus, blinking. Surely, surely he had blacked out for a moment and missed the crucial piece of information.
"You heard correctly," said Albus.
"What did she do?" Severus asked. He was tempted to know who 'she' was but decided for his emotional safety not to ask.
"She slapped me so hard that I fell back into the mud and got a black eye. Whether it was from the slap or the ground I was never certain," said Albus, staring thoughtfully into space.
Severus sighed and rubbed his forehead. This conversation had, if anything, only made him even more confused as to what to do. Sighing again he said, "Never mind, Albus. I'll figure it out myself. But rest assured that I will blame you if I end up in the Hospital Wing with the nosebleed of the century." And he marched on into the Great Hall.
oo0oo
At the same time, in McGonagall's office
"Minerva, I need your help," said Eowyn from the door.
"Come on in, dear," said Minerva, with an absent wave of the hand. She heard Eowyn walk over and plonk herself down with unusual heaviness into the chair opposite.
"I have man problems," Eowyn groaned, before Minerva had time to ask her.
"Lockhart again?" Minerva asked, scratching an Outstanding onto Hermione's homework.
"No," said Eowyn. "Another man."
Minerva looked up, narrowing her eyes at Eowyn. "Don't tell me you've been dating and the harpies haven't told me?" she said, referring to Eowyn's three best friends by the colloquial name for them.
"The harpies don't know," said Eowyn. "I didn't tell them because I wasn't sure it was wise."
"What's wrong with him?" asked Minerva, glaring at Eowyn fiercely over her glasses.
"What?" asked Eowyn.
"He's older than you isn't he? If he's fifty years or more older than you, there is not a chance by the blood of Merlin that I am letting you get anywhere near him again!"
"Well you're hardly one to talk!" Eowyn pointed out.
"How many years?" Minerva pushed.
"No! That's not the problem," said Eowyn. This was not how the conversation was meant to go. "He's only two years older than I am."
"Married?" Minerva asked.
"No."
"Death Eater."
Ummmm. "No."
Minerva leapt to her feet, a look of horror on her face. "Don't tell me you're pregnant?" she hissed.
"No!" said Eowyn, standing up and reaching out a hand to grip her surrogate mother's shoulder in reassurance. "Calm down, Minerva. It's nowhere near as bad as that."
"You're sure you aren't pregnant?" said Minerva, allowing Eowyn to guide her back to her seat, but still wary.
"Positive," said Eowyn. "We haven't even … you know."
"Well that's a relief," said Minerva with a sigh.
"Once again, you're not one to talk," said Eowyn.
Minerva glared at her.
"But that's sort of what I've come to talk to you about," said Eowyn, twisting her hands.
Minerva rolled her eyes. "Come on, Eowyn, don't tell me that after nineteen years spent as a close friend of Auriga Sinistra, you don't know what to do with a man and a bed!"
"Well it's not the specifically," said Eowyn, going red. "It's the steps on the way to that that I'm having a problem with."
"Oh," said Minerva. Then she saw the time. "Tell me while we walk."
As they walked down the corridor Minerva turned back to Eowyn and said, "Explain."
Eowyn sighed and said, "Alright, I'm certain of one thing and one thing alone in this whole scenario. I love him. The problem is –"
"Does he return your feelings?" Minerva finished.
"Hey, this is my story!" said Eowyn, giving Minerva a weak shove.
"Hate to break it to you, my dear, but you aren't the only one who's got rights to that particular story," said Minerva. Then, seeing Eowyn's face. "Alright, dear, I'll listen. First of all, tell me what he's like."
"He's a git," said Eowyn. "Well … he used to be. He sort of isn't now. He's sarcastic and doesn't appreciate the idea of human contact. He can be snarky and irritating. He loves arguing and sweet stuff – particularly mints. He's always there to get me out of sticky situations (cough, Lockhart). And, I guess he's sort of sweet in his own way."
"My," said Minerva, "I thought you were describing Severus up to the snarky and irritating bit."
Well, that was close.
"My problem is, I haven't a clue what he thinks of me. He's certainly a wonderful friend but … I'm just not sure …"
"Well," said Minerva, "in my experience you need to drop hints. Show him that you're interested."
"Did it work?" Eowyn asked.
"No," said Minerva.
"Well, that's a huge help!" said Eowyn.
"Just out of interest, how close has he let you get?" Minerva asked.
"Very," said Eowyn. "Close enough to put his arm around my shoulders. But that might have just been because it was cold."
That sounds familiar, Minerva thought.
"I would say give him a chance. If there's anything that'll make a man consider his feelings for you it's a rush of cold air, adventure and a holiday."
"I don't know if you've noticed, Minerva, but Christmas is passed."
"There's still New Year, dear," said Minerva.
"Can't I just walk up and kiss him or something? Something simple?"
"No. That's the sort of thing old maniacs do." Trust me, I know. "Don't do that! Be subtle."
"I hate being subtle," Eowyn groaned. Then, as they neared the entrance to the Great Hall, "I'm off to go get some advice from the harpies. But don't blame me if I end up dancing around the idiot for the next twenty-four years because of your advice."
Minerva stopped near the doorway, where Albus was standing, lost in thought. "Have you noticed our little ones have been acting rather strangely lately?" he said.
Just a fun little one-shot! :)