"You're kidding me right?" Dr. Leonard McCoy stated more than asked.
"Vulcans do not 'kid' Doctor." Commander Spock replied.
"C'mon Bones, it'll be fine!" Captain James T. Kirk interjected before Leonard could object, he knew Bones didn't like the plan, but there wasn't much of a choice. "Yes it's a water planet, yes Spock isn't the greatest swimmer, and yes we know the natives are kinda hostile. BUT! It'll be fine because we're going to transport about a mile away from their colony and they won't even notice us!"
Bones scowled at him. "Why can't we take Sulu or one of Spock's science minions? At least I won't have to worry about them drowning."
"I do not have 'science minions' Doctor McCoy, I have associates who-"
Bones waved him off. "Blah, blah, blah. Why can't we take one'a them?"
"Sulu has the Conn since he still hasn't been cleared for landing parties, which is your doing by the way Bones, and Spock is the only who has studied the planet so we're going to need his expertise."
"Damnit, I forgot he was still nursing that leg of his." Leonard mumbled.
Jim just grinned, knowing he had the victory.
"Whatever, don't expect me to give you mouth-to-mouth if you drown Spock. I ain't kissing your Vulcan ass." Bones stated.
"Your statement is illogical Doctor as you know that Vulcans resemble humans and therefore our 'ass' as you so put it, is not on our faces." Spock replied calmly as the three of them walked to the transporter pad.
"Don't give me that crock, I know you know what I meant." Bones retorted. "You're not as clueless as you would like everyone to believe."
"For the love of all that is holy, energize Scotty." Jim sighed, not wanting to listen to his two friends bicker anymore as he pulled the backpack with supplies up higher on his shoulder.
"Aye Cap'n." Scotty's voice came and soon they were surrounding by lights.
And then they were screwed.
Apparently the transporter was on the fritz again because instead of landing on the small bit of land they were supposed to, they landed in the middle of the freaking ocean. Jim broke the surface of the water first, followed closely by Bones.
"Are you alright?" Jim asked.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," Bones replied. "You?"
"I'm wet but otherwise unharmed." Jim replied. The two of them treaded the water for a few seconds, waiting for Spock to surface.
"Bones, where's Spock?" Jim asked, his heart racing suddenly.
"Shit." McCoy swore.
"Where's Spock?!" Jim repeated, a bit more hysterical. Bones didn't answer, instead dove back down. Jim was frantic as the seconds dragged by, and just as he was about to dive down himself, Bones reappeared with an unconscious Spock in his arms.
"Is he breathing?" Jim asked, swimming toward his friends.
"Barely," McCoy growled. "Dammit I told him not to come! How the hell are we supposed to clear his lungs in the middle of this damn ocean?!"
"I'll call Scotty. Kirk to Enterprise!"
"Cap'n! Where are ya? I dennae know the transporter was off kilter!"
"We're in the middle of their freaking ocean," Jim reported. "I don't know exactly where, I can't see any land anywhere."
"There should be a raft in ya backpack Cap'n," Scotty replied. "Ya should be able ta get it out an' float around till I can get the transporter workin' again."
"Keep us updated Mr. Scott."
"Ay Cap'n."
Jim saw Bones was still struggling to keep Spock afloat, so he pulled his backpack off quickly and found the package that held the raft. Jim pulled the pin and threw the package a few feet from the floating men and watched it land in the water and explode into a raft large enough for all three of them.
"I'll get in first and we can pull Spock in together." Jim told Bones. "How's he doing?"
"His breathing is shallow, but I think he just needs to cough out some water." Bones told him. Jim nodded his understanding and then swam towards the raft. There was a tiny rope ladder and soon Jim was inside the raft and rowing it towards Bones and Spock. The two men hefted their unconscious friend into the raft and Jim sat back as McCoy went into full doctor mode. The doctor pulled out a tricorder and did a quick scan before pulling out a small tool that look reminiscent of a carburetor for a twenty-first century car.
"What can I do to help?" Jim asked, hating feeling useless.
"Hold on to this," Bones replied, handing Jim the carburetor thing. "I'm gonna need you to place this on his sternum and move your hands when I tell you to."
Jim nodded and did as he was told.
"Alright, move your hands Jim." Bones instructed and once Jim's hands were safely out of the way Bones pushed a button and Spock's body jumped slightly.
"What're you doing?" Jim asked.
"Giving him a light shock to help wake him up." Bones replied.
"He's breathing though; won't that make him worse?"
"Nah, Vulcans don't react to stimulants the same way humans do. The shock is kind of like CPR mixed with the Heimlich."
Suddenly, Spock turned on his side and hacked up a lungful of water. Spock was shaking with the intensity of the cough and Jim rubbed his back soothingly to help his friend. It took about a minute before Spock finally gained back control of his body and stopped retching, and once he was done he returned to his back and took a few deep breaths.
"Thank you for your assistance Doctor." Spock said, his voice hoarse.
"Thank you for not listening to me about coming here and almost drowning yourself," Bones snapped back. "Seriously Spock, why the hell did you insist on coming down to this stupid planet?"
"I am most knowledgeable of the planet and my services to the Captain-"
"Were not needed!" McCoy shouted. "We can do research without you ya know!"
"Bones, stop yelling at him, he's-"
"Don't even get me started on you!" McCoy pointed an accusing finger at Jim. "I told you taking him was a bad idea and you decided to ignore me."
"In my defense, I usually always ignore you." Jim tried for humor while Bones got out a tricorder and waved it over Spock to get some readings.
"Shut it kid, I have half a mind to throw your ass over the side of this raft and leave you to get eaten by a giant squid."
"Mutiny!" Jim yelled dramatically. He grinned when the good doctor rolled his eyes and flipped Jim off.
"Well, there's no more water in your lungs Spock so congratulations, you won't drown."
"Thank you for your assistance and assessment Doctor," Spock replied, allowing McCoy to help him into a sitting position. "I am most grateful you were here."
"Yeah, yeah. Next time there's a water planet your ass is staying on the ship." Bones commanded.
"Technically we're on a ship right now so..." Jim's words died off as the doctor shot him a glare that would've sent a Klingon running.
"Have we made contact with the Enterprise?" Spock asked.
Jim nodded. "Scotty's working on it. Luckily communicators are water proof so we've got some hope."
"I told you we should've taken a damn shuttle. Transporting is dangerous."
Leonard commented.
"Never thought I'd see the day to where you'd rather take a shuttle Bones." Jim teased.
"Bite me." Bones replied. "If we'd taken a shuttle we wouldn't be in this mess."
"We'll be fine; we could probably do some research while we're waiting for Scotty."
"What is it exactly that we need to research?" Bones asked.
Jim grinned as he said, "The water."
"WHAT?!" Bones screeched.
"Doctor, please refrain from yelling so close to my vicinity. My head, as you say, is pounding." Spock winced as he put a hand to the side of his head.
"Sorry Spock," Bones apologized and then turned to Jim. "James Tiberius Kirk, are you telling me that you brought Spock here knowing you'd be playing in the damn water the whole damn time you'd be on this damn planet?" He asked, his rage coming through clearly.
Jim decided he should be out of arms reach at the moment and he slid back to the other side of the raft, his back hitting the inflated wall. "That's a lot of damns in one sentence."
"Jim." Bones growled.
Jim put his hands in the air. "Alright, yes! I did know what we were doing and I still brought Spock okay? He wanted to come though Bones, like really badly. I didn't read too much into it, I just said he could come."
Bones opened his mouth and Jim thought he was going to start screaming again, but then Bones looked at Spock and seemed to think better of it. His best friend turned to face him again. "You are so in for it when your next physical comes up kid, you better prepare yourself now."
"Aw c'mon Bones, that's not fair! Spock wanted to come! He practically begged me!" Jim defended.
"Vulcans do not beg Captain." Spock told him, sounding slightly offended.
"Oh you so begged. 'Captain, I would like to offer my services to you on the next mission on the planet Aquaterite as I am most curious as to how the shit planet works.'" Jim mocked, doing a rather impressive impersonation of his First Officer.
"I did not say that Captain." Spock denied, sending a glare at Jim. Well, it wasn't a normal person's glare because his face still looked bored, it was a Vulcan glare, but a glare nonetheless.
"Don't try to act innocent Spock, you're almost just as bad as Jim." Bones retorted. "You're both too damn stubborn for your own good and I'm the one left to patch you two idiots up at the end of the day."
"You're very good at patching us up." Jim told his CMO. "I have you to thank for always saving my pretty face these past six years."
Bones rolled his eyes and waved him off. "Go play in the water Jim, get your research done quickly because as soon as Mr. Scott has the transporter fixed we're outta here."
"If the research is not done properly then we will have to come back Doctor McCoy."
Bones shot Spock a scowl. "There is no we in this. Jim will return with two other people because you and I, Mr. Spock, will be on the Enterprise."
"Doctor I must insist-"
"You must insist nothing! You're staying your happy ass on the ship, end of story." Bones shot back.
"Okay Lucy and Ethel, I'm gonna collect some samples because listening to the two of you bicker is giving me a headache." Jim interrupted before Spock to retort. "Spock, I could use your help in the analysis ok? And Bones, you just sit there and look grumpy."
Leonard flipped Jim off again.
"Perfect!" Jim grinned and then dove into the ocean.
"Damnit Jim, get out of the damn water!" Bones shouted, clambering over to where his friend had jumped out of the boat. "You have no idea what kind of bacteria lives in there!"
"That's what we're here to find out Bones! Besides, I'm pretty sure we're all screwed if there are bacteria in here because each of us has swallowed a good amount of water when we transported here. Now stop nagging and let me work!"
"I'm not nagging!" Bones defended.
Jim saluted him and grabbed a pair of goggles from his pocket before diving back down. Jim had grabbed his goggles and a few empty vials for the samples while Bones and Spock were arguing. He was an excellent swimmer and it only took him two trips back to the surface for air before he had all the samples he needed. Jim broke the surface for the last time and climbed back into the raft. Spock was meditating while Bones was scanning him with the tricorder again.
"Problems?" Jim asked.
"He's already showing signs of a small infection. Luckily I've got a fix for that." Bones replied, grabbing a hypospray and sticking it in Spock's neck. The Vulcan didn't even flinch, while Jim's own neck tingled in sympathy.
"Your turn." Bones said as he grabbed his tricorder and scanned Jim.
"Bones I didn't half drown! I'm fine!" Jim insisted, batting at the doctor's hands.
"Sit still or I'll have Spock make you sit still." Bones grouched.
Jim sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes as Bones scanned him. A few seconds later and Bones pulled back.
"Will I do?" Jim asked.
Bones frowned at the readings and then before Jim could ask what was wrong, Bones was grabbing his shoulder and plunging a hypospray into his neck.
"OUCH! What the hell Bones?!" Jim demanded, yanking his arm from Bones' grip and scooching back away from the hyprospray-happy doctor.
"You're showing signs of a small infection too," Bones answered as he gave himself a hypo. "Gonna stop it before it starts."
"Hey! How come you and Spock get the soft touch and I get stabbed violently every damn time?!"
"It's stress relief for me." Bones answered.
"Stress relief?!" Jim shouted. "I'm not a stress ball Bones!"
"You're responsible for every gray hair on my head you little shit! All of them!"
"I would comment on your disregard to address the Captain in a more appropriate manner, but I am sure you will ignore me as you are known to do Doctor McCoy." Spock commented without opening his eyes.
"You're damn right I'll ignore you." Bones murmured.
"My neck hurts." Jim whined, rubbing at the injection site.
"Suck it up Jim, you're not the one whose daughter asks if you're going to dye your hair." Bones retorted.
"You know, I'm sure Joanna is responsible for at least one of your gray hairs. I can't be responsible for all of them." Jim countered.
"No Jim, they're all yours. Joanna is my good kid, and you're my insufferable kid." Bones replied, voice gruff but laced with affection.
Jim grinned. "Love you too Bones."
"Yeah, we'll see how much you love me if that infection gets worse and you're stuck in Sickbay with me all week."
Jim scrunched his nose up. "That doesn't sound like fun."
"Then stay outta the damn water kid."
Spock opened his eyes and put his arms down on his knees. "Captain, did you obtain enough samples for our mission?"
"I think so, I grabbed some of the water, a few plants, and a tiny little fish thing."
"Enterprise to Cap'n Kirk."
Jim got his communicator out. "Scotty! You get that transporter working?"
"Aye Cap'n! You three ready to get outta the water?"
"I'm fine, but Spock and Bones didn't wanna play Marco Polo."
Scotty laughed heartily. "Prepare for transport in 5 minutes. Scotty out."
Jim flipped his communicator off and grinned at his two friends. "Well, looks like we're about to beam out you guys! I'd call this mission successful."
Bones looked at him as if he were crazy. "Successful? Jim, we're all infected with God knows what and Spock almost drowned!"
"Almost Bones, the magic word is almost."
Leonard rolled his eyes and Jim just grinned.
"I believe these samples will be sufficient Captain." Spock told him.
"See? Successful." Jim repeated, a self-satisfied grin on his face.
"We'll see about that in a few hours. Knowing your immune system, you'll be growing some sort of parasite in your belly and I'll have to dig it out."
"Bones...ew." Jim said with a shiver.
"It would be most prudent for all three of us to be properly evaluated once we are on board the Enterprise." Spock commented.
"Excellent idea Mr. Spock. How about Jim goes first?"
"That is a most agreeable plan Doctor." Spock replied.
"Hey! I am not going first. Bones, you're the doctor, you should go first!" Jim cargued.
"I'm pretty sure Chapel would love to assist you Jim."
Jim shuddered. "She's scarier than you most of the time! She's not coming anywhere near me!"
"You know, I'm thinking we should have Spock take a few swimming lessons." Bones continued, completely ignoring Jim's cry of outrage.
"That's actually not a bad idea," said Jim. "What do you say Spock?"
Spock was quiet for a moment before saying, "I agree with your thought process Doctor. When can we start?"
Jim suddenly had a wonderfully mischievous idea. "How about now? Hold your breath!"
Spock had no time to ask questions as Jim launched himself at Spock and propelled the two of them over the side of the inflatable raft. Jim broke the surface a few seconds before Spock. Spock knew how to float pretty well, so Jim didn't feel guilty.
Bones was roaring with laughter. "Oh you are so dead Jim."
Jim grinned, a twinkle in his eyes. "You two will have to catch me first."
"Wha-SHIT!" Jim dove underneath the raft and quickly flipped it over, sending Leonard into the water. Before Bones could berate him the three of them were transported back to the Enterprise.
Jim landed gracefully on his feet, while Bones and Spock were sprawled on the transporter floor.
"Yer a wee wet there Cap'n. You two Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy." Scotty commented with a laugh as Jim shook his head, spraying water everywhere.
Jim simply grinned as both Leonard and Spock got to their feet, soaking wet, with as much dignity as they could muster.
"Jim." Spock looked Jim dead in the eye, his face barely concealing his fury.
"Hm?"
"Run." Bones growled.
Jim yelped and booked it from the transporter room. No one knew the Enterprise better than Jim, so he easily ran through the many hallways, trying to make it to his quarters. He could hear Spock and Bones right on his heels. He was shouting at passerby's to move and he was pretty sure he was going to make it to his quarters when his feet stumbled over something and he tripped, rolling on the floor and landing on his back. He was stunned as he looked up to Uhura smiling sweetly down at him.
"Traitor!" Jim yelled, scrambling to his feet as he tried to reach his quarters once again, but he was quickly tackled back to the ground.
"Have fun boys." Uhura called as she walked away.
"Thank you for your assistance Nyota." Spock told her as he loomed over where Leonard had Jim pinned.
"Uh...hey guys." Jim tried for a charming smile. "Need a towel?"
"Think it's funny to dump people in bacteria-infested waters Jim?" Bones growled.
"A little funny, yeah." Jim answered.
"What is your plan for 'settling the score' as you humans put it Leonard?" Spock asked.
Bones grinned maniacally down at Jim, making the younger man gulp. "Oh I have the perfect plan Mr. Spock. You wanna grab his arms for me?"
"Bones...what're you thinking?" Jim asked, eyeing his best friend warily, pulling at his wrists which were currently encircled by Spock's hands.
"Pull em' above his head." Bones instructed Spock.
"Hey guys, it was just a joke right? No need to get violent or anything!" Jim tried to talk himself out of his current situation.
"A joke, right," said Bones. "You like to joke right? Get a laugh or two in?"
"Yes?"
Bones barked out a laugh. "Are you asking me?"
"No?"
Bones shook his head before addressing Spock once more. "He's gonna be awfully jumpy here in a sec, make sure the damn fool doesn't hurt himself."
"You are not going to actually harm the Captain are you?" Spock asked, a hint of concern in his voice.
"Oh he'll be screamin' like he's gettin' murdered, but I'm not gonna hurt him." Bones replied.
Jim's eyes widened as he finally pieced what the good doctor had planned. His struggles turned into full-hearted attempts instead of the half-hearted ones earlier. "Bones! Don't you dare!"
"What's a'matter kid? You like to laugh right?"
"Bones, don't! Not here in the hallway where anyone can hear or see!" Jim begged, knowing that once word got around that he had a certain...weakness, he wouldn't live it down.
"Shoulda thought about that before you dumped me in the water." Bones retorted.
"I'm sorry alright? I'm so-NO! DON'T!" Jim shouted as his best friend dug his fingers right into his ribs. Jim clamped his mouth shut, trying his hardest to keep the laughter in, but quickly losing the war.
"C'mon Jim, I know you want to laugh." Bones teased, grinning like a fool. Jim loved it when his best friend was playful, it didn't happen too often and the doctor needed more laughter and smiling in his life. However, Jim was not really wanting to be the object of that laughter and smiling.
"B-Bones, plehehease!" Jim begged through gritted teeth as he arched his back and tried to pull his arms out of the steel bands that were Spock's hands.
"I was unaware that the Captain was ticklish." Spock commented.
"He's good at hiding it most of the time," said McCoy. "I've been his doctor for six years though and I know all his weak spots."
"Interesting. I could assist you Leonard in more than just holding Jim's arms, if you would like."
"NO!" Jim yelled as Bones answered "Yes!"
Jim felt his wrists being transferred into one hand and he knew he was done for. He could barely handle Bones' tickling, let alone two people, and especially with him being completely unable to defend himself.
"Let's just go right for the kill shall we?" Bones grinned. "Mr. Spock, if you'd please?"
And Jim was gone.
The moment Spock's fingers, combined with Bones wreaking havoc on his ribs, touched his underarms Jim was lost in laughter.
"Guhuhuhuy's! NOHOHO! Pleheheease!" Jim begged, digging his heels into the floor and pulling furiously at his arms. It was no use of course, Vulcans were three times stronger than humans.
"What's wrong Jimmy? Are ya ticklish?" Bones teased, his accent a bit thicker as it always became when he was teasing or angry.
"You twohohohoho SUCK! AHAHAHAHAA! NOT THERE!" Jim screeched. Bone's moved his hands to Jim's hips, knowing it was his sweet spot.
"The Captain seems to be very susceptible there Leonard." Spock commented calmly, moving his hands to Jim's neck and causing him to squeal like a child.
"Oh he is ridiculously ticklish on hips. You're at a good spot too. Move your hand to his hair line at the back of his neck and just lightly brush your fingers there over and over." Bones instructed. And Spock, ever the good little soldier, did as he was told.
"Dohohohon't!" Jim squealed, scrunching his neck up as much as he could to avoid Spock's fingers.
"I did not know the Captain was so sensitive." Spock stated.
"Oh the little shit is the most ticklish person in the whole damn universe. He's good at hiding it, but I've been his personal physician for the past six years. I know all his sweeet spots." Bones drawled, using his thumbs to vibrate right into Jim's hip sockets.
Jim screeched and arched his back as high as he could, thrashing and laughing hysterically. Bones made circular motions with his thumbs and used his free fingers to lightly scratch at Jim's stomach. The feeling was unbearable. Having Spock at his neck and underarms, which the bastard was switching back to his underarms, and Bones at his hips and stomach, Jim was well and truly being tortured. He had never been tickled so thoroughly before in his life. He always managed to escape from his mother and older brother the few times they acknowledged his existence and were actually in a playful mood. Admiral Pike had got him good a few times when he was a child, but it was never for more than a minute or two at most. And Jim was at least a match again McCoy. But Spock and McCoy?
Jim was screwed.
"Are you sorry?" Bones asked.
"YAHAHAHAHAHAS!" Jim shouted, letting out a peal of laughter as Spock went back to his neck.
"Are ya gonna do it again?"
"MAYHAYHAYHAYBEHEHE!" Jim answered honestly.
Bones barked out a laugh at that. "What do you think Mr. Spock?"
"I am very entertained by this Doctor. Is Jim in any danger?"
"Nope."
"Then let us continue."
Jim was treated to another five torturous minutes of devastating tickles before Bones and Spock finally showed mercy. Jim curled into a ball on the ground as he gout out the rest of his giggles.
"I...hahate bohohoth...of you..." Jim panted.
"You love it kid and you know it." Bones replied.
Jim rolled his eyes and blushed slightly before he accepted the hand Spock held out for him.
"I am so getting you two back for this."
Bones snorted. "Sure Jim."
"I am! Just you wait!" Jim threatened.
"This discovery will prove most helpful in the future Captain. I would ere on the side of caution in retaliation." Spock threatened.
Jim scowled at him. "You suck."
Bones tweaked Jim's side, causing the younger man to squawk and flinch away.
"Sorry kid, couldn't resist." Bones grinned.
Jim flipped him off before going down to Engineering to check out what exactly happened with the transporter. Scotty was explaining everything to him and once he was finished Jim went to turn around and was goosed in his ribs. Jim squealed and whipped around to face his friend.
"Sorry Cap'n, I dennea know you were so sensitive." Scotty said with a wink.
Jim groaned. "I'm never gonna live this down am I?"
Scotty grinned. "Have fun on the Bridge laddie."
Jim gulped and took a deep breath before leaving for the Bridge, knowing his torture was really just beginning.