I wrote this story a number of years ago while in college.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Beth Sullivan, I promise to return them when the story is over.
Brian's Anguish
January 3, 1872, morning.
Christmas has been and gone, so has New Year's Eve. Sully is finally back home with us, for good. Even though I am happy to have him here with us again and as much as I love him, I'm so angry at him. He was gone for so long. He missed out on Katie saying "pa" for the very first time, and when Ma found out she was pregnant, then having the miscarriage. Where was he when *I* needed him when Anthony lay dying? I know how close we came to losing him forever, neither Ma or Pa know that I saw what happened the day we found him. I saw him die, then as my tears fell, I watched Ma breathe life back into him. For the first time, I realized that I had taken Sully for granted, that he'd always be there for me..........
"Mornin' everybody." Sully greeted, walking into the kitchen.
"Mornin' Sully." I said cheerfully, but I didn't fool him, he knew something was wrong the moment I opened my mouth.
"Brian, what's wrong?" He whispered.
"Nothin'." I replied quickly. "Gotta get to school."
"Brian, you have eaten breakfast yet." Ma countered.
"I'll be late, Ma." I protested, walking out the door. "I'll get somethin' from Miss Grace."
I hurried out of the house and down the road toward town. I turned to look back at the homestead, a single tear escaping and rolling down my face.
After school I rushed home to complete my chores. No one was home when I got there, so I placed my books and lunch pail, still full, on the table. I went out to the barn to clean out the stalls, and feed the chickens. I gathered what eggs had been laid during the day and took them inside for Ma. I grabbed my books and climbed the stairs to my room where I remained until I heard the wagon approaching. After I silently helped Sully unhitch the wagon and take care of the horses, I returned to my room, forgetting that my lunch pail was sitting on the kitchen table. I started to go back for it when I heard Ma talking to Sully.
"Sully. Brian's lunch pail is still full. He hasn't touched anything I put in it." I heard Ma tell Sully, I grimaced.
"So? He probably wasn't hungry at lunch. He'll be down for dinner, you'll see."
"Sully." She whispered. "I talked to Grace this afternoon, she said that she hadn't seen Brian all day."
Sully thought for a moment. "D'ya suppose he ain't eaten all day?"
"It's possible." She answered.
January 4, evening.
Colleen went back to school this afternoon. When we were saying goodbye, she told me to talk to Sully that it was only gonna get worse if I didn't. Maybe she's right, but how can she not be mad at him? He wasn't there for her either, when Becky died. Or for Ma when Aunt Marjorie died. Both he and Ma are becoming concerned about me; I haven't eaten in two days. I didn't go down for dinner last night or tonight either, and again I rushed out before breakfast, not even taking my lunch pail. How do I tell them what I'm feeling?
"Brian, where are you going?" Ma asked, as I headed out the door with my books.
"School." I said, thinking that I was stating the obvious.
"Brian, its Saturday. There isn't any school today."
"Oh... right." I mumbled. I dropped my books on the table beside the door and went out to the barn. I walked over to Taffy and began to pet her.
Meanwhile:
"Sully, something is seriously wrong with him."
"I know, Michaela, but he's gotta work through this himself. He'll come to us when he's ready."
"This is something I can't treat with any medicines or procedures." She murmured. "He's retreated into a shell.... he's suffering from melancholia. Why, I cannot fathom. I thought he'd be happy to have you home again."
"Maybe he is, but there's somethin' botherin' him. Somethin' he ain't been able to face while I was in hidin'."
"Perhaps you're right."
January 5, evening.
I went to Church this morning for the first time in several weeks. Reverend said he was glad to see Sully back home and alive, as much as I agreed with him, my anger started to boil again. All through the sermon, I sat a ways away from Ma and Sully. Matthew gave me curious looks, as Ma cast worried glances my way. Afterwards, while everyone gathered out in the meadow for the Sunday picnic, I headed over to the cemetery. I kneeled down in front of Ma's grave and began to whisper to her. I musta been sitting there for a while when Matthew came over to me. For the first time, I realized that I was crying. I told him what I had been feeling and like Colleen, he told me to talk to Sully. I'm not ready to do that yet, so instead I walked over to the school yard and Matthew watched me go........
"Wanna talk about it?" Came Sully's voice.
"I don't know." I whispered, not looking at him.
"Brian ya gotta talk to me sometime. When you're ready, I'll listen." He started to walk away.
"Why?" I screamed suddenly. He turned back to me, abruptly. "Why'd ya leave us?"
"Brian, you know I had to help the Cheyenne! They're as much as my family as you are!"
"Maybe so, maybe they're more important to ya than us!" I screamed, letting out all my anger.
"That's it, Brian. Show me how mad ya are at me! Let it all out. Tell me." He said, his eyes searching my face. I cried out in frustration and lunged at him. While I didn't knock him to the ground, I swung my fists into his stomach as hard as I could. Even though I wasn't tall enough, I managed to get him in his jaw. Suddenly there were arms around me from behind and Matthew was yelling at me to stop.
"No, Matthew. Let him go!" Matthew did as told and I sank to me knees, sobbing. Matthew tried to comfort me but I pushed him off. Instead like a little boy, I reached for Sully. He put his arms around me and told me it would be all right.
"Where were you?" I sobbed. "Where were you when Ma needed you? When Colleen needed you? When *I* needed you?"
Sully had no answer for my questions. "I'm sorry, Brian. So sorry I wasn't there." I could tell he was crying by this time, too. A crowd had gathered to watch as I tried to fight Sully. Matthew, along with Ma, Daniel, and the Reverend, pushed the crowd back to give us room.
January 6, early morning.
Yesterday afternoon was one of the worst I've had since Ma died. I can't believe that I tried to hurt Sully. The only man I know and love as my father. At least my feelings are out in the open now and I can begin to heal. Sully is taking me to Cloud Dancing, in the Northern Cheyenne Land, Tongue River Valley. White men aren't allowed there, but because Sully led a group up there, he is welcome. I hope Cloud Dancing can help me get through this, I don't want to hurt Sully anymore. I'm no longer mad at him; I just have unanswered questions that I must ask him. My hurt is still here, in my heart.......
There was a soft knocking on my door. "Brian?"
"Come in." Sully entered my room, he wore a smile but his eyes bore a different emotion, sadness. A sadness that I had put there.
"Mornin' Brian. You almost ready? We're leavin' soon as we eat."
"Yeah...I am." I said quietly, still ashamed of my actions from the previous day.
"Good. Your Ma's makin' breakfast now."
"I'll be down in a minute." I wanted to pack my journal in my knapsack. Sully left and I pulled it out from beneath my pillow where I had hid it when Sully knocked on my door.
After we had eaten, Sully went to the barn to collect our horses. While I waited for him, I approached Ma. She looked very worried because I had eaten only a few bites of my oatmeal, the rest went untouched.
"Ma, I'm sorry that Sully is goin' away again 'cause of me. I don't mean to take him away from ya just after ya both got back." I said, letting a tear slip down my face.
"Brian, sweetheart, it's not your fault. And you're not taking Sully away from me. I've had time with him, and I will have more when you return but right now, you need him and you're more important to us than anything else."
Sully re-entered the house and said the horses were ready. He said good bye to Ma and Katie, and we left to see Cloud Dancing.
January 9, midnight.
Sully is asleep and doesn't yet know that I am keeping this journal. We have been traveling for a few days now and should reach the Tongue River Valley in the next day or so. I sit here, remembering the time we spent in the cave during the epidemic in town. I don't understand why I couldn't say anything to Sully then. Maybe I was too frightened at the aspect of him never coming home again or the army finding him and hanging him. Maybe I was afraid that he would grow angry and desert me and the family. Although deep down inside, I knew that would never happen........
I awoke to Sully gently shaking my shoulder. "C'mon, Brian. If we're gonna make it to Cloud Dancing by nightfall, we gotta get movin'."
I picked up my things and put them back in my saddlebags. I mounted Taffy; ready to keep moving but Sully stopped me.
"Aren't ya hungry?"
"No." I whispered.
"Ya gotta eat somethin' Brian. Ya haven't eaten for days."
"I know." I muttered, dismounting. "I'll eat somethin'."
Sully smiled at me briefly. I knew that just by merely eating a little breakfast, that I had lifted some of his worries. Soon we were on our way again, riding along in the uncomfortable silence that had descended down upon us. Late that night, we reached Cloud Dancing's village.
"Aho, my friends."
"Aho Cloud Dancin'." We both said together.
"The Spirits told me of your return, Sully. Young Brian is in need of my help." He spoke in Cheyenne, though I knew they were talking about me.
"Yes, Medicine Woman an' I are very worried about him." Sully also spoke in Cheyenne. They continued speaking in the Indian language.
"You must leave the boy with me for a time."
"How long a time?" Sully questioned.
"Until the sun rises again. Then he will be ready to face you."
"Face me?" Sully asked, confused.
"He is in a dark place, as you were once. You brought him to me for help. Do not worry, he will return to his father, to you."
Sully came and kneeled in front of me, placing his hands on my shoulders. "Brian. Cloud Dancin' is gonna help ya but I can't stay with ya tonight. Ya have to stay with him, d'ya understand? I ain't leavin' ya. I won't be far away, I promise."
"Okay, Pa." I whispered, fighting back the tears that stung my eyes.
Sully's eyes were also wet with tears. "That's the first time ya called me 'pa' in days."
I smiled, then threw myself into Sully's embrace. He held me for a few minutes. Then Cloud Dancing spoke.
"It is time." Sully stood and gathered the reins of our horses. I took my pack and saddlebags into Cloud Dancing's lodge. As I watched Sully's retreating form, he turned back to look at me. I saw a shimmer in his eyes and knew he was crying.
January 11, sunrise.
Cloud Dancing and I talked most of the night. I told him what I was feeling and how I had tried to hurt Sully last Sunday, after Church. He told me that my anger and sadness were a good sign. They showed that I loved Sully and that I didn't wish for him to leave. Cloud Dancing is right, I never wanted Sully to leave, nor did I hate him......
Just after dawn, Cloud Dancing beckoned Sully in the lodge. When he entered, I looked up at him. His eyes wore the same sadness they had before we left. As he gazed down at me, I couldn't resist my emotions anymore. I stood and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his shirt, sobbing.
"I'm so sorry Sully." I murmured.
"Sorry for what? Ya didn't do anythin'. I'm the one who oughtta be sayin' 'sorry'."
"For bein' so mad at ya, an' tryin' to hurt ya at the Church." I sobbed into his shirtfront. Sully didn't say anything; he just let me cry. He rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head. At the moment I didn't care that I was 13 and too old for that.
"It is time. For the Sweat Lodge Ceremony." Cloud Dancing spoke. We stripped ourselves of our clothing and began the ceremony.
"Grandfathers, we ask for your guidance in this healing." Cloud Dancing and Sully said, simultaneously. Then they began to chant in Cheyenne. When the ritual healing was over Cloud Dancing told me both Sully and I must go on a Vision Quest.
"Do I have to perform a task?" I asked, remembering Matthew's Vision Quest.
"No young one, you do not. This is a different sort of Vision Quest. One where you must pray to the spirits for their guidance in seeking to remove your heavy burden. But first, you must tell Sully what you have told me." I nervously looked back and forth between them. "Do not be afraid, young one, he is your father."
Cloud Dancing left us alone, in his lodge so that we could talk. I started from the beginning, telling Sully about how I had felt when he had first been missing.
"I didn't think I'd ever see ya again. I couldn't help but feel abandoned." I whispered.
"Ya mean like when Ethan left ya?" I nodded, and Sully continued softly. "Brian, I'd never leave ya willingly. I never meant to hurt your ma or you kids. Your ma an' you kids mean everythin' to me."
I started to say more but Sully interrupted me. "I know there ain't nothin' I can say, or do, to make up to ya for not bein' there when Anthony died, or for Colleen when Becky died, or your Aunt Marjorie. But I will do my damnedest to be there for ya now."
Sully and I continued our talk for a few more hours and I showed him my journal. Then we were ready for our Vision Quests.
January 13, evening.
We just finished our Vision Quests, both of us feeling much better. I no longer hold any harsh feelings against pa. I know now why he did what he thought was best for the Cheyenne. I understand that he had to try to help them as if it were Ma, or Katie, or me that needed help. We are setting off for home tomorrow morning but we are not going back alone, Cloud Dancing is going along too. Now that the Army is gone, there is no threat to him. He is a free man.......
January 15, evening.
We are almost to Colorado Springs. Sully and I can't wait to get home and see Ma. She will be worried but very happy to see us home again. Cloud Dancing is looking forward to seeing Miss Dorothy as well as our family......
January 16, late evening.
Sully, Cloud Dancing, and I reached the homestead today. Ma came running out the door with Katie in her arms. She was glad to see all of us and to know that I was no longer upset with Sully. Well I really think that I'm gonna go to bed now, before I'm caught with the lamp...too late, there's Sully knocking on my door now.......
"Don't ya think ya should be headin' to bed pretty soon?" He grinned.
"Yep, I was just finishin' up."
"Good." He said, walking over to my bed. Sitting down on the edge, he pulled me into an embrace and whispered, "I love ya, Brian."
"I love you too, Pa."
The End