Prisoner of the Past
Chapter One: Demonic reflections over a lost humanity
A/N: Seeing how lots of readers have requested that I write another Kuroshitsuji fiction after reading "One Hell of a teacher", I decided I should grant this a chance so... here is the result. Since I acted on impulse and started this story that may not suit your tastes, for it might not be what you have asked of me to write, I do not expect some of you to follow me step by step into the making of this fiction, but I must assert that Sebastian is one of the few amazing flawless characters in the anime industry and I have always yearned to write something about his subconscious, the events that led to his damnation, the mysterious things that have tormented our minds ever since his appearance. I also need to highlight the fact that my priority in this story is to keep Sebastian in character as much as possible, so whatever requests you may have, please keep this in mind and I shall seek to fulfill them.
The action is set in XIXth-century London with no modifications regarding the plot ( Sebastian is still the butler of the Phantomhive manor), and the story begins with the dramatic Kuroshitsuji manga chapter that has presented us the sorrowful image of a cold, lifeless Sebastian. I do not intend to spoil any further and I hope I did not anger anyone with the previous statement, but I had to mention that aspect for the better comprehension of the current chapter which - need I say - is written from Sebastian's POV. These being said, enjoy.
And as a special announcement I need to rather shout: The story is dedicated to Lucy, my sister, my best friend, my light. Love you forever, baby tiger. XD
It's intriguing how sensations of déjà-vu occur. Unjustifiable by nature, I have yet to discover their secret, their working path and how we get caught up in the illusion that we have experienced something before, in another time, in another life… The scientists of this century have proven to be very capable people, for they have discovered in just two centuries since my humanity's death things that have troubled our mind ever since we have come to know that we possess such a thing as "reason". People of the XIXth century call themselves rational beings, trying to illuminate the masses of people forging their way through the darkness of the unknown. They have done so until this point in time, but the universe is still far too large for their little human mind to perceive in its entirety.
As a demon, I possess far more knowledge of this world and the one beyond than these frail creatures yearn to have. I have witnessed moments in history that others have written about in such less detail that it is an insult to those who have lived it, but have not been able to pass on the real course of events in their complex and significant form. As a creature damned to witness everything regarding mortals' life, I have hidden in the shadows and amused myself over their ambition, their thirst for knowledge and for power, although being completely aware of their weak nature. I suppose I find more amusement in the thought of myself once having been one of them rather than seeing them like ants thriving so hard to achieve something only to have someone mercilessly destroy their work one day.
To humans, utter knowledge is their purpose of existence, the only thing they long to obtain, the only thing that can glorify their life. To me, their existence is futile if ignoring the fact that I depend on their souls for nourishment. But as I have learnt to control my persistent hunger for as long as a human life, I dare say I do not see any reason in their existence. Their soul is my source of food, their bodies will just turn to ash and their mind is my source of amusement. There is nothing about humans that can be taken as worthy of life. Alas, my eternity would be more of a punishment than I initially conceived if humans did not exist. I need them so I can focus on the new direction this whole new world is heading to, but at the same time I need to remember my nature, wrap myself in loathing towards them and ignorance towards my past. I do not need anything from the past to interfere with the present. Not even the slightest memory. Memories bring up emotions. Emotions come with weakness and I am a demon. I know no emotion. I have no weakness.
Returning to the déjà-vu sensations, neither the self-proclaimed renown scientists nor me have come up with a reasonable explanation for this bizarre phenomenon. And as I lay here now, feeling the sharp claws of death ripping my body apart, this sensation of again courses through my veins like blood. I look at the ceiling feeling my eyes ready to close for the eternal sleep, but all I see is myself experiencing death once before… while I was human. I can't bring myself to look away from the chain of indistinguishable black and white memories which highlight the pain I tried so hard to hide throughout time. They're feeding on it, craving more, throwing me into a vortex of emotions I can't seem to escape.
All my demonic abilities are useless when it comes to my inner battle with myself. No matter how much I tried to hide in the shadows and forget about everything, even about the notion of "me", I have never managed to escape the haunting memory of my humanity. It has always been there, buried deep inside of me, latent, but not weak, calling for something, shouting that I may be a creature devoid of a soul, but not of emotions, lacking memories of what I used to be. Truth be told, there isn't much of a difference between my demonic current status and my lost humanity. As a human, I was weak by nature. I embraced the darkness, I longed for it, I became a demon so I would get rid of that weakness. Now that I have become my worst nightmare, I cannot escape those dusty memories from my human life. I cannot escape the feeling of being powerless when confronted with time or death. Just like now… I may be a demon, but I cannot overpower Death. I let it overwhelm me in hope that the memories will fade away together with my body and my conscience…
I was once mortal, too. I have tasted all of life's pleasures and have known all of its deceptions, for life meant misery mixed with mirth, a lively violin song whose sole purpose was to indulge pathetic beings like humans into the illusion of happiness. After all, what is there left to be played when the violin strings are utterly broken and the only sound resonating from them is a loud stringent screech, that rather obnoxious sound that resembles a pitiful weep?
I still remember that night of absolute terror which has been the final destructive step I took into achieving my demonic eternity – without my knowing. I've thought about that particular unsettling event in my human life for the hundreds of years I have spent as a creature born from fire and committed to the shadows. So much time to ponder over an event and words have yet to appear in my mind to describe it. But again, words are futile in the attempt to recreate the epitome of my sadness. The painful echo of weep and screams were reaching the sky like a disastrous symphony played with broken instruments. The sight of it was unbearably sorrowful, the scent of death was so pregnant in the air it stifled everything else, the sound of it… the ceaseless weeping was heart-breaking, if I assume I owned a heart at that moment. But judging from the whirlwind of emotions destroying me from the inside, it might be possible for me to have possessed a heart until the moment of my death. A weak human heart that had done me no good. A humanity I should have never experienced.
I don't miss anything about my mortality, but this should be an understandable statement in itself. After all, when you have power like you have never imagined, not even in your wildest dreams, how can you bring yourself to regret being characterized by weakness? Because this is what humans are – they are weak beings ruled by emotions. They taste happiness and they grasp it with all their might only to have it torn away from their arms and they find themselves thrown into a deep abyss of despair. What is the point of knowing happiness if it will lead to self-destruction anyway? Is that ideal state an imperative for humans to live? Why would they live a moment of happiness knowing that an eternity of misery would follow?
I have asked myself these inquiries ever since and my new uncontrollable dark side has not been able to understand the human part of me, that weak spoilt noble boy who spent hours in the open field far away from the servants' eyes writing how humans were so dysfunctional if deprived of happiness and that insignificant drop of love that makes everything explode inside and makes you indulge yourself in illusions of heaven until the fire burns you from the inside and overwhelms you to the point of turning your life into hell, your soul into ash and your heart into void.
Human life is complicated and it is no wonder that at some point it has to end. No one can overcome the power of emotions deep inside us; no one can survive and enjoy sanity if he – by some miracle – can overpower them. I know this better than anyone. My emotions have created the illusion of happiness and at the same point they have become my downfall. That is why, as a demon, I shall have none. I shall be completely frozen inside, indifferent, rational, thus powerful and with no weakness whatsoever. I shall be that dark creature whose heart has been ripped off his chest, deprived of warmth, comfort, light and connections.
I am a human no more.
This is what has come to my mind when I have woken up from my revival slumber. And I believed it to be true, I fought to maintain that belief, to encompass myself in hatred towards my humanity, in a sense of contempt for the entire race. But as I tried to fight it harder and fiercer, the memories started fighting back using as much force and reminding me of the past I could never escape. I am a demon, but the evil seed was implanted in me while I was still human, thus leaving the two conditions, the two opposite sides of "me" interconnected and interdependent.
I have asserted that human life was complicated, but life as a demon is equally so, if not even more due to the intensity of the impact of everything new that's happening to me. I feel certain things a hundred times more emphasized than when I was a mere human, therefore fighting emotions is harder than I initially thought, so the prospect of humanity is incredibly hard if not utterly impossible to remove. Its roots are so deep inside of me I cannot pull them out without tearing myself to shreds.
I am a demon. I shall have no emotions…
How easy life would be if everyone managed to accomplish every resolution they made... When it comes to eternity, however, everything is much more complicated, complex and it has a price you need to pay. A price you find yourself – after two centuries of existence – discovering that it was not worth accepting to pay it in the first place.
No action, I am fully aware of that, this chapter was more of an introduction into Sebastian's mind and a test for myself to see just how much I can keep him in character. I hope I achieved that and I haven't bored you to the point of death, somehow this needed to be done. Thank you for your time,
~Crissu