A/N: This is ummm…. Slightly disturbing. It started out being a stream of consciousness from Harry's POV, but somehow….. yeah. This is now my exploration of Harry's slow deterioration into grief, as we all know that he clamps down on himself when he shouldn't. Poor Harry, I've distorted him.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. And frankly, why would I want that kind of pressure?
Mea Maxima Culpa
Its bad enough being woken by Mad-Eye's howl of "CONSTANT VIGILENCE". It's bad enough to face the pitying faces of my new 'Advance Guard' along with the ever present glance at by bloody forehead, but to be dragged to Grimmauld Place? I think not. Forget it, Dumbledore; there is not a chance in hell of me walking through these doors.
Being shoved through, yes. Damn you, Moody, I'll make you pay for that! That damn umbrella stand is still there, knocked over again by Tonks, I assume. The curtains are drawn over his mother's portrait. Dear Merlin, this place is still full of Si- of him. Maybe he's back! Maybe this has all just been some elaborate joke! Yeah, he was a Marauder! He's probably waiting in the kitchen to jump out and surprise me! Then he'll laugh and tell me about the jokes he and my father used to play– No, dammit, stop it, Harry. He's gone, it's your fault. Nothing can change that. All my fault. Shit- they're staring at me. Look away, dammit! I'm not crying! Look away! Get yourself under control, Harry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Focus on something else. Anything else. They're staring again. Tonks is saying something. She looks thinner. All my fault. Mine.
How long have I been standing here? So that's why they're staring. Walk forward. Left foot, right foot. One, two, three… Mrs. Weasley is cooking again. Smells like chicken, but then I guess everything does. We brought him chicken. Every Hogsmead visit. And he'd feed the bones to Buckbeak. All my fault. Right, left. Right, left. Heads on the wall. One more than before. Kreacher. Fucking traitor! No, all my fault. No one else. My fault. Keep moving. One, two, three, four. The sounds are echoing. My fault. The house is empty. All my fault. Left, right. Left, right.
They're staring again. They're following me. Why can't they just leave me alone? I'll fight your goddamn battle! I don't care! Just leave me alone! I'll just hurt you! I've always hurt you. Ginny's ankle, Neville's nose, Ron's arms. Luna, Hermione- Merlin! They must hate me! I could have killed them! I kill everyone! I should have done Occumency. I should have gone to Snape. I should have gone alone.
Why did I start that fucking club! I got Dumbledore fired and nearly arrested! Fuck, I could have stopped it! But no, Potter had to be protected. Who gives a damn about anyone else? Mc Gonagall fought! She got hurt and I did nothing! She could have died and I did nothing! She's hurt! My fault!
Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Focus on something else. Anything else. The clock. Half past five. We watched the clock with him. Waiting for a message. Half past two. Three. Five. Half past five. Waiting. Bloody bandages. The taste of blood. Mr. Weasley. All my fault! Focus on something else. Window. Brick wall view. No good. Curtains- pixies- Mrs. Weasley- boggart. All lying on the floor. All dead. My fault!
They're watching me. Dammit! Don't you have anything better to do? You're supposed to be helping people! Where were you when I needed you! No- bad Potter. All your fault, not theirs. Stop. Think of something else. Tonks, change your hair. Change your nose, fall down, do something! Don't just stand there looking like Si- HIM!
What are they saying? Kingsley is talking but I don't hear the words. I don't want to hear! I don't want to be here! LET ME OUT! WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE! Calm down, boy. Don't let them see, don't let them know. Breathe in. Hold. Out. Hold.
They're leaving. Good. All alone. No one to watch, no one to hurt. My fault! I can't be here- it's all my fault! You're hurt because of me! You'd be better off without me!
Someone's coming- red hair. Mrs. Weasley. Can't hurt her. Won't hurt her again. Hide! Past the bookshelves, around the corner, behind the chair. Boys don't cry. Don't cry, boy. Shut up!
More red. Ginny. Dragging Ron. Don't notice me! Just forget about me!
Scars on his arms. I hurt him! All my fault!
I have to get away. Have to leave. I'll hurt them. I always hurt them. All dead. My fault. Always my fault.
Hermione. Sweet Merlin, Hermione. Should've listened. Should've- she's always right. Always listen to Hermione. Purple light. All my fault. Get away!
Empty room. Have to get away. Can't let them find me. God! It's Siru- IT'S HIS ROOM! GET AWAY! YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM! ALL YOUR FAULT! MURDERER!
Run away, boy. Run faster! Can't you do anything right! Why can't you just run awa- into Snape. Fuck. You're a failure, boy.
His mouth is moving. Don't want to hear it. All my fault. People coming. All of them. Shit! Get away, boy! Get away from them! I won't let you hurt them again! The door! Get to the door! Why are you blocking me? DAMMIT, SNAPE! MOVE OUT OF MY WAY! I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR LIVES! YOU WON'T BE HURT ANYMORE! GODDAMMIT, MOVE!
They're staring. STOP STARING! The closet. There, by the umbrellas. Dodge Ginny, past Diggle, over Crookshanks- duck the spells- Yes! Block the door. Can't let them in. Shit! Magic. Wards, put up wards. Block them out, keep them away.
Pounding.
Shouting.
Voices.
Boys don't cry.
Breathe in.
Boys don't cry.
Breathe out.
In.
Out.
In the veil.
Laughing.
Smiling.
In.
Out.