Pokerface
Summary: What did John feel after learning Teyla was pregnant? A short story of how I think he handled the shocking news.
Disclaimer: SG Atlantis and its cast are not mine, though I wish they were...my story is purely for fun.
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John made a beeline dash for his room, barely able to contain himself. Seeing the stern look on his face had made passing military stop and salute, not sure what had happened to make their normally casual CO so riled.
Once at his destination, the door closed behind him, he let go of the breath he seemed to have been holding since his encounter with Teyla. He paced around his room, trying "to catch his breath, alternating between running his hands through his hair and clenching them in fists.
How could he not have known?! How did he not see the signs?! Of course, her being "pregnant" was the furthest thing from his mind! But, how didnt he even know she was interested in anyone, let alone in a relationship!
He cursed outloud, stalked to his small refrigerator and grabbed a six-pack. He stalked over and stood before the closed door. Taking a deep breath, he donned his well-worn pokerface...his eyes and mouth void of emotion, his teeth clamped together. It was a conscious effort not to clench and mash his teeth in anger (or was it hurt?) as he made his way out to the east pier.
He made his way to the farthest corner on the pier, away from anyone accidentally discovering his private sulking spot. And to be honest with himself, that's exactly what he was doing. His mind and heart couldnt quite cope with the fact that Teyla was with another man...and...she was pregnant!
He cursed again, slid down the support beam to slouch and chugged a whole can of beer in one gulp, his intention of maybe obliterating his raw emotions out of existence with total inebriation. Crushing the can in his hand, he knew it was useless. Getting drunk wasnt going to help...but he was determined to squash whatever he was feeling, at least for a little while.
After the fourth chugged beer, anger became the strongest of his emotions, undaunted and maybe even fueled by the alcohol racing through his system. He cursed Teyla, then immediately took it back...it wasnt her fault, she did nothing wrong. He had never, not once, showed her any other feelings other than friendship...even though he longed for more each time his eyes fell upon her. Hell, every time he thought about her, every breath he took that involved her made his heart ache for more.
He had kept his feelings to himself, the personal sacrifice he owed to the position he had inadvertently found himself in. If only Colonel Sumner had lived...Sumner would have been Teyla's superior and maybe, just maybe, he could have told her how he felt.
"But that was a mute point, wasn't it John!" He cursed himself and chucked the crumpled empty beer can as hard as he could throw it out over the expanse of rolling waves. He still had the presence of mind to feel guilty about it as the ill-fated can left his fingertips. A frustrated growl met the air and expanded out and he didn't care if someone might hear.
Hadn't their connection that very first day been undeniable...at least to him it had! Maybe this was all for the better. Maybe Teyla had never felt anything more than friendship for him anyway. Obviously, she was attracted to someone else. He wondered who the lucky man was...he didnt think it was someone military or civilian here on Atlantis...his breath hitched...was it Ronon?!
He thought back...it was possible, but he would have been able to see something more between them, right?! Afterall, they had alot in common, being Pegasus natives...but, no..he was pretty sure it wasnt Ronon..but who then?
John stood up and walked to the guard rail at the end of the pier. A soft breeze blew off the ocean, ruffling his hair. He breathed in deep, hoping to clear his chest from its heavy weight. Of course it didnt work, the heavy weight felt like a physical thing, but he knew better and still he wondered if it ever could or would go away.
Why had she kept her relationship with this man a secret? It stung to think that she not only had someone else, but that she hadnt said anything to him, at all. She certainly hadnt acted like a woman in love...or was he kidding himself...maybe she had but he was oblivious, not seeing what he didnt want to see, because that certainly would have been hard to deal with.
And now, she was pregnant with this man's baby and he couldnt help but wish with all his might that the baby she carried was his.
But it wasnt. Plain and simple. He had made his choice, never allowing his true feelings to shine through. No ones fault but his own, certainly not Teyla's fault..not the lucky man nor the child that she now carried.
So this was it. He would bury his feelings deep down, once again. Something he had become quite a pro at, and move on. He couldnt lose Teyla, even iof only n friendship...so he would buck up and support her, accept this new man in her life and cherish the child for who its mother was.
He couldnt afford any what-ifs...not now, not ever. He would put on his game face, the "no one knows what I truly think and feel" face. The ultimate Pokerface.
Mastering of the pokerface had served him well in many a circumstance, especially more than in Friday night Poker nights. It would be hard...hardest of all time, to be honest with himself, but he would wear that face...cool, calm and collected. He would fool everyone, and maybe eventually, he would fool himself.
He wiped his eyes, swearing at the wind for stinging his eyes. One last long look over the swelling waves of the ocean, he turned around, heaved a long and lonely sigh and walked slowly, making his way back inside.
FIN
hi! It's been quite awhile since I have written or posted a story! I'm still a diehard SGA fan and have been rereading old faves and new faves about my fave show! Thank goodness for these stories that keep SG "alive"! Hoping my muse sticks around..I know this one was short and I probably should have expanded on Johns feelings but hey, at least I got something out! Long live SGA!