A/N:Sorry, I don't own any Bleach products. Really.
By the way, everyone knows Janken, right? Rock, Paper, Scissors? I got the idea for this story after watching an interaction between Ichigo and Ikkaku in anime episode 63. Prior warning: This story's humor comes from stupidity. So beware.
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The last dango sat trembling on a dinner plate, in fear for its life. On opposite ends of a table inside Big Mama's Dango Pit, Seireitei's number one eatery, Kurosaki Ichigo and Madarame Ikkaku faced off in a major battle to the death.
"All right, then! Kurosaki Ichigo, I challenge you to a manly duel! Prepare yourself!" Ikkaku cried as he shot to his feet.
"Aa!" Ichigo said, standing up as well and moving into a fighting stance. "I won't lose to you, Ikkaku."
Tension hung high in the air as they stood face to face a few feet away from each other, with murder on their faces. A random tumbleweed rolled across the floor. Suddenly, with a loud cry, they closed the distance and threw their fists toward each other.
"JANKEN!!!"
Ichigo: rock
Ikkaku: paper
"Shit!"
"Haaaa! Haha! It's mine!" Ikkaku cried, turning towards the dango.
"Wait, best of four!" Ichigo yelled.
"Nani?!"
"What? Afraiiiiiid?"
"Tch. Wise guy, huh? Fine, I'm going to destroy you, Ichigo!"
"Like hell!"
"JANKEN!!!"
Ichigo: paper
Ikkaku: scissor
"Ha! See that, you pansy?"
"Kuso! It doesn't matter. There's still two more turns."
"JANKEN!!!"
Ichigo: rock
Ikkaku: paper
This time the mood grew a bit solemn.
Ikkaku frowned.
"Man, you suck at Janken," he said gravely. "I've never seen anyone suck so hard."
"Shut up, teme. Last round!"
"Huh? What the hell are you talking about, baka? It's over. I won three times."
"What the hell are you talking about? There's still one more turn!"
"…"
"Come on! Come on! Put up!"
"My god…are you really that much of an idiot?"
"Nani?!"
"Even if you won, you'd still lose, baka! Don't you know?"
"What the hell kind of logic is that? Besides, you're the idiot around here who shaves his head even though there's nothing on it!"
"Nani?! What the hell does that have to do with - " Ikkaku's eye twitched. "Whatever, let's just do it. Let's prove how much of an idiot you really are!"
"It won't happen the way you think, Ikkaku," Ichigo said, raising his fist above his head once more.
They assumed their battle stances, faces lined with concentration.
"JANKEN!!"
Ichigo: scissor
Ikkaku: rock
Silence fell over the little diner. Another random tumbleweed made its appearance.
Ikkaku blinked.
Ichigo blinked.
The dango blinked.
After a few more minutes of imitating zombies, Ikkaku finally broke the silence.
"Gahhh! I can't even gloat over this win because it's just too sad," he said with a blank look on his face, straightening up. "Just admit it, Ichigo. You've got no luck…and no dango."
Ichigo was silent, still holding his two fingers out in front of him in a wilted peace sign. He had an intense look on his face as he struggled internally.
I can't lose here, not like this, Ichigo thought to himself, watching Ikkaku strut toward his prize out of the corner of his eye. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't…damnit, what can I do?
Okay, okay, calm down. So you never were any good at Janken, but you never were any good at backing down from a challenge either. You had to fight him. Shit, the dango! He's going to get it! I gotta stop him, but how? How?? What can I do in this situation? Arghhh!
Suddenly, Ichigo gasped as he tensed up and twitched.
Twitched some more.
A moment later, a crooked smile appeared on his lips.
"Hmph. Idiot."
Ikkaku had almost reached his destination when something black and white flashed in front of him, blocking his path.
"Nuh, uh, uh! You're not going anywhere, baldy. Tch. That baka, Ichigo! Can't be trusted to do anything right. Well, now that I'm here, things are going to be different!" The light glinted off the masked half of Ichigo's face, showing his lunacy very clearly. "That last dango is mine!"
Ikkaku scowled.
Crap! It's Ichigo's other side.
Ikkaku knew it would be foolish to go against him. To do so would mean certain horrible death. However, he was an eleventh division officer, and that meant he couldn't run away from this, horrible death or not. Not unless he wanted to be killed by his own Taichou. So, he had no choice but to face this monster. That and the fact that he really did want that dango, damnit! He'd won it fair and square.
"Ichigo and I dueled in fairness," Ikkaku said carefully, watching every movement. "I won."
"Oh? You think you won? Hah! That's not what I saw!"
"It's true, I tell ya!" Ikkaku protested, feeling for all the world like a rebellious child, one that happened to be getting scolded by a drill sergeant on acid. "Look, we dueled with Janken four times! I won all four times, so that last dango is mine!"
"You may have won the first three rounds, but not the fourth!"
"Nani?! I had the sign of the rock, and Ichigo had scissors!"
"It ain't no scissors, baldy." The hollow raised his hand with the index and middle fingers extended. "Take a closer look." With that, the hollow poked Ikkaku in the eyes.
"Aaaaaa!" Ikkaku cried, stumbling backwards onto the floor.
Hollow Ichigo whirled around and scrambled on top of the table.
"Haaaaahahahahaaaaaa! Gotcha, bakamono! No stupid shinigami is going to beat me! That delicious little morsel is mine! Mine! ALL MINE! Aaahaaahaaaaaa – huh? What the - ? WHERE IS IT?!!"
The plate was empty.
The entire diner emptied out quick as the screams began.
"WHO ATE MY DANGO?!! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!!"
Chairs flew and plates broke as hollow Ichigo threw a tantrum worthy of being rivaled only by distressed infants who pooed themselves, unaware that the dango in question was splattered on the floor right under the table, having met its unfortunate demise after rolling itself off the table in hopes of escape.
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Fin