Just a quick oneshot I had to get out of my mind.
A year ago I lost one of my best friends in car accident, she was riding her bike when a car hit her.
I miss her so much I can't even put it into words.
Lear, I love you so much.
Characters are not mine and I don't make any money of this.
-R&I-
She was never the one to easily break. Not in front of people anyway… she always had to be the strong one, to protect and serve, physically and emotionally. Today she is broken.
Jane Rizzoli honored detective, the one that survived being held by a serial killer, shooting herself, and so many more on the service, was sitting in her living room, lost.
Her eyes were swollen and red with tears, but she was too tired to cry anymore.
You know partner, I think I'm slowly losing my mind. Talking to you inside my head or sometimes out loud when I'm alone, knowing you are gone but not believing it yet.
A small part of me still hopes it's a just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon… or it's one of your stupid jokes and you'll come through the door and scream 'Ha! Fooled you!'
It was her day off, she wasn't on call but her phone didn't stop ringing. Her mother, Frankie, Maura… she wasn't even in the mood to talk to her best friend.
'When will they get the message?' she thought to herself… and what could they possibly say? She was tired of the "this is life… hold on to your good memories of him" speech.
Memories… it was killing her. How do you deal with the loss of a friend? What do you do when everything reminds you of him, when you can't stop thinking about him for longer than few hours?
How do you live knowing the only part of your life he'll ever be is the past?
Today a year passed, a whole year without you.
You know, it is so strange… There are moments I remember like it was yesterday, but sometimes it's hard to believe you ever existed, like you were some kind of illusion.
With all the time that passed, living without you turned to be a sick routine. Waking up, going to work- you're not there. Family dinner? Still not there. Drinks on Friday night- not there either.
Everyday your absence seemed less strange, but never easier.
But sometimes she sees him, or at least she thinks she does. Walking to the grocery shop with Jo, sometimes she sees someone who looks like him, she wants to call his name but becomes almost to numb to breathe. Sometimes it happens when she drives. Someone on the sidewalk reminds her of Frost and she has to stop the car to get a better look.
Only after this person gets closer to her she understands he looks nothing like her partner and her mind is playing with her again.
People always say it hurts less with time. It's not. Time can teach us to live with pain but it won't fade.
Everyday I miss you even more, and every day the understanding you're dead and not on extremely long vacation hits me harder.
And the hardest part of that is even when you want to talk about him, you can't.
You are too afraid to hurt your friends, your family, they were close to him too.
And those who didn't know him, what can they say, 'sorry for your loss'? How can you be sorry about someone you didn't know?
So you just never bring up the subject, you spend more and more time alone, trying to deal with it.
Sometimes the more you try the worse it becomes.
We've been through so much together, from colleagues we became friends. You were like a brother to me.
We talked about almost everything. Now I can't help but wonder sometimes what would you say…
The funniest part that we knew each other well enough for me to know what would be your reaction to everything I would say, I can even hear your voice in my mind and imagine the faces you would make…
So tell me Frost, have I lost my mind? What do I do now?
Why won't you answer?!
Here they are again, the tears. And the anger, the confusion, and grief and sorrow… you can't name all the feelings even if you tried.
Emotional storm. It feels like drowning, but with no water.
Jane was pacing in her apartment trying to find something to keep herself busy but all in vain.
I didn't visit you since the funeral. It seems so stupid, sitting and taking to a stone.
Not that it's better talking to the open space of my apartment. If you do watch us from up there, you can hear me anywhere, if you don't…
Well, I've definitely lost my mind, tying to have a one side conversation with my dead partner.
Sometimes she had the feeling she was taking this harder than everyone else, like they accepted his death and she was still stuck in denial. She had to do something about this…
Maybe going to the cemetery, seeing his grave would make her understand this is real?
Jane debated with herself whether to go or not all week, being too afraid to meet his mother. She couldn't look in her eyes anymore.
The detective looked at her watch, it was early afternoon. By the time she'll get there she most likely will be alone.
So here I am. It took ne long enough to find your grave.
A lot had changed since the last time I was here, too many new names on polished rocks. Too many new broken families…
I didn't bring you flowers. I wouldn't bring you flowers when you were alive and I don't see a reason to do this now…
Why do people bring flowers to graves? What's the point? They wither so fast being left on the gravestones, like they are there to riming us of what's beneath the ground, a rotten body and life left behind…
Our job sometimes makes us wonder how many near death experiences we'll be through until the day we won't survive…
I never thought that will be your way to go.
My dear friend, you were a hero, and heroes don't die in car accidents.
She sat there, thinking of how they met, their first cases together, how they would go out for drinks after work… Jane didn't know how long she was there; minutes or hours…
Time often loses its meaning when our loved ones are away.
She did understand one thing, maybe the is something in what people say about holding on to memories, it didn't make her pain stop, but she was glad she had a chance to meet him, she was glad he was part of her life. Most of all, Jane was glad to call him her friend.
-R&I-
Well, that's it…