Save Me From Myself, Silver
Each day, after she wakes up and is almost ready to walk out of her mother's front door, her old home, she remembers. Kotone remembers to look at herself in the mirror only to apply black eyeliner to the skin around her brown eyes. Kotone is so used to this routine by now, that looking at her reflection is only habit. A habit she forces herself to keep, as a reminder. There are no words to describe herself now. Kotone practically runs away from the sight of herself after five agonizingly long seconds that seem like hours, only to go downstairs to see that her mom is okay.
"Kotone?" Her mother calls out, hope so evident in her voice. Kotone doesn't have the courage to tell her mom that she no longer wants to live here, that she longer has the will to live in this life… But she can't, she won't, ruin her mom's life.
"I'm here, but I'm about to leave." Kotone's throat is now burning. These are the worst words she has to say every day to her mom, and no matter how often Kotone repeats them, they'll never stop the pain and guilt that well up inside of her. Kotone takes the chance to look at her mom sitting at the table like she always has for the past six years. Ever since Kotone first took a chance to leave the nest with her first Pokemon, Typhlosion, by her side. Her mom has changed over the years, not only in looks but spirit. Her mom used to be bright eyed when Kotone came home for a visit… Now her mom only glances up and asks Kotone about her money. Her mom used to be in actual clothes whenever Kotone happened to pop in, day or night… Now her mom just sits there in old, frayed pajamas that have seen better days. Kotone can't help but blame herself for all of these changes.
"I love you, Kotone. You do know that, don't you?" Her mom desperately asks just as Kotone is ready to set her foot outside the door. Kotone flinches; Love is just another word that Kotone now despises.
"The same, mom, always." Kotone responds, still not able to even think that word, much less say aloud. And with that, Kotone takes her chance to flee from the house. The second she slams the door shut, she releases Pidgeot from his poke-ball and asks him to fly to Blackthorn City.
This cave is the only place Kotone can feel semi alive nowadays, the only place she can breathe without any pain. Dragon's Den is very strict about who is allowed to enter, so not many trainers can enter. Not even her old best friend, Ethan, can enter when he's with her. But that was back then, and now Kotone can come alone and not bother with the pretense that she actually wants company. Kotone sighs, and shoves her thoughts into the back of her mind to ignore. She actually has become quite good at training herself to ignore thoughts. It's one of the only things that keep her sane. The other is just walking-no, strutting- through the cave's entrance like he owns it.
Silver hasn't changed in six years; He still wears the black jacket with red trim and dark blue denim jeans. His hair still looks unkempt and is as red as ever. Everything about him makes Kotone smile against her will. Silver makes his way to the Shrine and Kotone can't stop watching him live his life. She stopped living life only a year ago, after that foolish attempt to become Champion… But she refuses to let herself move on and resorts to observing him live. Kotone closes her eyes after a while, tired from being in such a dark space for… However long she's been huddled on the ledge in the darkest spot of this cave. It's relaxing, despite her muscles screaming in protest to her. Kotone closes her eyes and drifts off to her own private place she consciously forbids herself to think about.
"That's it, Kotone, you put up a good fight…" Lance shrugs to her. This can't be happening to her, she prepared so well for this… "But not good enough. Try again in a few months." And with that, Lance is gone.
"…No. No, no, no! You can't be serious, Lance." Kotone falls to her knees, tears springing to her eyes. "We worked so hard for this…" She mumbles in protest, already feeling herself shut down. Her eyelids close, and she loses the will to stay awake.
"You have to get up, Kotone. It's time for you to go home." Lance is shaking her shoulder now.
"No." Kotone says, feeling foolish for refusing to get up, to be willing to fight for something she has wanted since she was five years old. But it's reasonable to her, to ignore the reality that is now crashing around her.
"I love you, Kotone… But you're not ready yet. Go home." He's pulling Kotone up to her feet, and since her strength has yet to return, she lets him all but push her out of the Indigo Plateau. Once Lance shuts the doors in her face, Kotone manages to shut off her POKeGEAR and sinks down to the grass to break down.
"You know… When you're sobbing like that, Kotone… It's impossible to stay unnoticed." A voice pulls her out of her own personal nightmare. Kotone blinks, letting her eyesight focus on the person in front of her. And when it does, she's surprised to say the least; It's Silver looking down at her with the tiniest bit of concern lighting his eyes. But Kotone won't let the urge to squeal to him, the urge to hug him, the urge to speak back to him, overtake her into talking to Silver.
"Are you going to speak… At all, Kotone?" Silver is now frowning at her. And that isn't okay with her. Kotone can take the looks of disappointment now without feeling her heart break into a million pieces, and she can withstand her mother yelling at her for letting this one setback take her love for life away… But Kotone can't and won't stand to see the only person who makes her happy mad at her.
"Yes, Silver." She whispers.
"Kotone? Are you okay?" Silver finally asks her. Kotone's mind involuntarily flashes back to when Ethan stood on her mom's doorstep five months ago. But she won't let herself remember another person who she destroyed.
"I'm fine, Silver. Just fine." Kotone says with as much conviction she can.
"You don't look fine… Besides, what are you doing up here?" Silver sits down in the little space left on the ledge. The look in Silver's eyes… It makes Kotone want to cry out her whole story to him.
"Hiding from the world." Kotone answers honestly… Reluctantly. Partly because she can't lie to Silver, and partly because she doesn't want to hurt anyone else with her lies.
"Really?" Silver snaps his head towards her, obviously not expecting that answer. "The girl who never shies away from a challenge… Hiding from the world in a cave?" Silver asks with a hint of sarcasm. Kotone shouldn't be able to notice it in his voice… But Kotone does.
"Yes, all right? Is that okay?" Kotone finally snaps at him.
"Nope." Is all Silver says. Kotone is completely thrown for a loop now; No one has stood up to her in a while. "It's not. You're bright… You're beautiful… You've got everything going for you Kotone… and you choose to 'hide from the world.'" Silver mocks her. It's like he's personally inviting Kotone to unleash her anger at everyone onto him.
"You really want to know the truth, Silver?" He nods. "I lost to Lance." Kotone admits for the first time. So far, to everyone else, she's simply let them guess about what happened, never confirming nor denying any of her mom's or Ethan's theories. To her surprise, Silver looks positively confused at this new revelation.
"…What?"
"Do I need to repeat myself? I. Lost. To. Lance." Kotone says with a distinct pronunciation of each word that only cuts into her heart, her psyche, deeper.
"Seriously? That's what's thrown you into this 'deep dark despair?'" Silver asks her, and she can literally feel her patience snap cleanly in two.
"YES. WHAT THE HELL IS SO WRONG WITH IT?" She yells, forgetting that he's right next to her, not caring that her words are echoing off of the cave walls. To her surprise, Silver looks completely calm.
"Nothing." He pauses, looking cautious for the first time since Kotone has met Silver. "I know… Because I lose to you all the time. And it kills me each time, Kotone. Never feeling like I'm good enough. But want to know the difference between you and me?" Kotone shook her head, not wanting to hear this. Silver, with no malicious intent, says to her,
"I never gave up after the first time you beat me. You gave up after your first loss." She has no words to say to Silver now, except the hearty denial she so wants to be able to say to him. And it's killing her inside to not be able to be the strong one anymore.
"I'm weak." She lies to him, and even though she may be fishing for a compliment, she can feel herself notice the beat of heart once more. For the past six years, Kotone can swear that it's been frozen and dormant.
Silver levels her with a look that just screams that he knows she's lying. And to her chagrin, it annoys (and pleases) her to no end that he's gotten to know her so well. "When's the last time we actually talked, Kotone?" Silver asks suddenly.
"At Victory Road, before my challenge." Kotone whispers, suddenly feeling the pain of losing to Lance all over again.
"I'd like to change that." He says, glancing at Kotone with a boldness she hasn't seen in a while.
"We could go get drinks at the Goldenrod Department Store…" Kotone offers, feeling herself smile for the first time in a long time. The bubbly feelings inside her feel foreign and exhilarating and Kotone wants to never forget the feeling.
"Sounds like a date, Kotone." Kotone can't be sure, but she's almost sure that Silver is blushing now. It widens her smile that the boy who was once so shut off from his feelings is now embracing them and encouraging her to live again.
Yes, I know. Another soulsilvershipping fanfic? What is wrong with me? ... I became addicted. XD Medicine can't cure this! Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading! :]