First Burn, a hamilton fanfic

The bullet pierced through his body like an angry hornet. He felt the pain, but for just a moment, because then, as his legs swayed and he began to tumble to the grass, the world fell silent, and Alex's vision blurred.

Pray tell, what will he see as he takes his dying breaths? A faded vision of Burr, his friend, his enemy, being pushed away from him as a doctor hovers near. Are they touching him? He can't tell. The color in the world leaks away into a muted grey and everything seems to stop.

"Alexander." A voice says. It's not like the frantic voices calling to him from miles away; this one is calm and near. Alex's eyes slide to the left, and he sees him.

"John?" He chokes.

"Come with me." His friend says, "Get up. You're fine."

For a second, it hurts, it hurts like all hell, as Alexander sits up, and then there's nothing. It's gone in a flash, he feels weightless. He looks down at his body, where the medic is still trying to revive him.

"They're going to row you across the river." John tells him.

Alex looks up to his friend with wide eyes, "Am I-?"

"No. Not yet." John looks over to Burr, his gaze distant, "You'll survive until tomorrow night. You'll die in the hospital with Eliza and Angelica by your side." Alex thinks about this for a moment, he frowns, slowly stepping up to his friend. He opens his mouth to speak, but John interrupts him, "You're here because I have something to show you."

Alex's frown deepens, "How-"
"I know what you're going to say because I've done this before." John finally turns to look at him, and Alex gasps. This man is not his John Laurens. There's something very different about the man that stands before him. He has a bloodied bandage that wraps over his left eye, partially covered by his wild curls. Alex can see in his remaining eye that this John has no joy left in his heart. Alex swallows hard at the sight. The shell of a man says, more to himself, "I've done this far, far too many times. Let's go."

Alex follows after the man as he walks away from Weehawken. Every step he takes turns the world into a darker shade of grey, until eventually, he's surrounded by a black void. Alex keeps close to John, careful not to stray from (what he assumes is) safety.

"What is this?" He asks, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around himself.

"Not exactly the after life, but not exactly the living world." John waves his hand to show the nothing around them, "This is an in-between realm, in which every universe, every world, merges together for just a moment, and you can see into different dimensions."

"What in the good Lord's name are you talking about?" Alex asked. "Laurens, have you gone mad?"

John sighed and shook his head, "This is beyond your time. The ones from your era are always harder to teach…" Alex stared at the other man as he thought, wondering what kind of ale he drank to dream this up. Finally, John spoke, "The world you live in is not the only one that exists. There are thousands of variations of you, thousands of worlds were things are slightly different or completely different or almost entirely identical. There are timelines where, because of previous events, you do not exist until the 1900's - yes, the world carries on for that long."

Alex crosses his arms and says, "If that's all so true, then why does it matter to me? If the worlds do not interlink, except at this moment before death, why should I care?"

John observed him for a moment, before he cocked his head to the side and said, "I want to show you something."

The ghost waved his hand and suddenly the world was illuminated by individual beams of light that slowly grew closer until Alex could recognize them. Alex stumbled backwards as one formed right beside him, and this time he did grab onto John for support. The ghost's lips twitched in amusement, but he otherwise said nothing. Alex slowly stepped forward and raised his hand to the beautiful beam of light. She was gorgeous, and Alex desperately wished that she could see him.

"Eliza?" He wanted to say goodbye to her. Another beam of light formed beside that one, and another, and another. Each looked like his wife; but some had different varieties. One had long hair, one had darker skin; one had strange, revealing clothes. He turned in a small circle, observing the thousands of lights that kept forming around him, "They're- all Eliza?"

"Not all of them." John said, his voice somewhat stiff. He was gazing down at a row of himself; the lucky ones who got to be with the man they love. "But they're all your lovers. The ones that the Hamilton of that world loved, married, betrayed."

"What?" Alex twisted around at the last word. "What do you mean-"

"What do you mean 'what do i mean'?" John snapped, his eye suddenly sharp, his voice harsh. "You have broken these people's hearts, Hamilton! They-" He closed his mouth, looking away. Alex stepped back at the humourless laugh that escaped from the ghost's lips. "Well, I'll let them tell it."

Alex watched as John disappeared, and suddenly, the lights were moving, speaking. Some of them were silent, miming along a scene. He wasn't sure what it was. He walked up to an Eliza that had freckles. She covered her mouth as her eyes flickered over something he couldn't see. The one next to her, she was wearing a green dress; she shook her head and moved her hands in a strange way. Alex realized it just a second too late. She was tearing something; cloth, maybe paper. He turned to another, this one had the shortest hair of all and was wearing a soldier's uniform. She dropped something and squared her shoulders, looking up into his eyes. Alex gasped at the pure anger he saw there.

"Don't." She said, holding up her hand.

Alex reached forward, surprised that she was speaking to him, "Eliza?"

"I saved every text you sent me." An Eliza that was wearing strange clothes said. She had a bittersweet smile on her face. Alex turned to her, but she stepped back before he could get close.

"From the moment I saw you," This Eliza was old, her eyes had seen many things in this world, and Alex was sad to realize that he may have been the cause to most of her wear and tear.

"I knew you were mine." Hands grabbed onto Alex's shoulders. He jumped in surprise as he was turned around. Standing in front of him was Angelica, her expression a strange mix of anger and guilt. She disappeared before his eyes, and Alex found himself twisting around to find her again in the crowd.

A girl in a red dress stepped forward, her gaze sharp. She pushed past Alex with a harshness that made him stumble, "You said you were mine."

"Maria?!" Alex turned to look at her, but she was gone in the crowd of glowing figures.

"I thought you were mine…" The one that said that was a little girl, who had tears in her eyes and was tugging on his sleeve.

Four Elizas surrounded him, talking in sync; each had a different tone in their voice; anger and sadness mixed in varying levels, "Do you know what Angelica said-"

"-When I told him what you'd done? He said-" The Eliza standing in front of him now was very clearly a boy. Alex didn't have time to think about it, as he was pushed into the arms of a row of Angelicas.

"You have married an Icarus." The Angelicas dropped him, and he fell through the floor until he landed with a thunk next to a Hercules and Lafayette.

The Frenchman was glaring down at Alex with such an intensity that he feared for his own life. Laf turned to Herc and said in a low voice, "He has flown too close to the sun."

Alex scrambled to his feet, but the two men were moving backwards without using their legs; they flew through the darkness until they disappeared from sight. He turned to find John standing there, staring at him. He had both his eyes, although one of them had a nasty bruise surrounding it, and he looked much older than Alex had ever seen him. He flinched when Alex stepped forward, there was fear in his voice when he said, "Don't!"

"Take another step in my direction," A Maria said, reaching out for him. Alex did as he was told, stepping forward, but the Maria shifted into an Angelica, who had her hands in her hair. She was crying as she said, "I can't be trusted around you!"

"Don't!" He was pushed hard, but whom he couldn't tell. But he scrambled to catch himself, and he locked eyes with Thomas Jefferson, of all people. The man had his arms crossed; his nails digging into his skin, "Think you can talk your way into my arms."

Thomas turned around and in his spot now stood Eliza, who reached out for him, "Into my arms!"

Alex ran towards her, but as his fingers brushed hers, she disappeared into a burst of flames. Alex flung himself away from the fire, surprised. A voice spoke behind him, and he turned around to see a row of Elizas, all who were surrounded by fire. Each of them said in a broken voice, "I'm burning the letters you wrote me."

His heart jerked suddenly as his words went up in flames. He closed his eyes, but the images were still there. He cried out, turning and running. He ran through the darkness with no clue where he was going. Alex flinched and cried out in pain when he ran right into another person. He looked up to find an indifferent Aaron Burr, watching him with barely held back disgust and hurt, "You can stand over there, if you want."

"I don't know who you are." This voice was also male. Alex turned to see his general standing before him. He was holding a cravat, his fingers rubbing over the soft fabric. He glanced away from Alex, his voice morose, "I have so much to learn."
Maria was sitting beside him suddenly, her hands clutching at her dress and her eyes wide as she slowly turned to look at him, "I'm re-reading your letters."

"And watching them burn." John was in front of him now, his hair cut off and his hands shaking.

Eliza appeared by John's side, her eyes wild, "Burn."

"I'm watching them," Hercules said, off to the side, his eyes downcast. Alex's children sat by his feet, terrified and clinging to the larger man.

"Burn." Jefferson peered at him from over his shoulder, he was smoking and he flicked his ash down at Alex.

Angelica shouted at him, tears in her eyes as she yelled, "Burn!"

Alex flinched and everyone disappeared instantly. He was breathing hard, and he shuddered when he realized he had been crying. Hopefully, this is over. He stood up on shaky legs and looked for the John with the eyepatch. He would take Alex home, right?

"You published the letters he wrote you." Eliza said, her voice shaking.

Angelica appeared by her side, taking Eliza's hand. "You told the whole world," Eliza spoke at the same time as her now and they continued, "how you brought this man into our bed."

"In clearing your name," A new voice called to Alex. He didn't want to, but he felt himself turning to see who was addressing him. He wished he didn't. Philip was standing there with all his younger siblings, they shouted at him, "You have ruined our lives!"

Alex turned and ran, sprinting away from the children that he had failed. He saw images as he ran past, the people he harmed. Angelica was on his left, no matter how fast he ran, she was still standing at his side, "Heaven forbid someone whisper-"

"'He's part of some scheme.'" Jefferson, Madison, and Burr haunted him from all sides. Alex grabbed at his hair, tugging on it until it hurt. He sank to his knees, unable to run any further.

Eliza squats down in front of him. She grabs him by the back of his hair and lifts his head up until they make eye contact. Her voice is hard and hateful as she says, "Your enemy whispers, so you have to-"

"Scream." Washington stood before him once more. It was a command, one that Alex tried to follow, but his voice was muted. He couldn't speak, defend himself, no matter how hard he tried.

"I know about whispers." The voice is sad, alone. Alex looks over his shoulder to see John, curled up in a ball. He has tears running down his face and his eyes are unfocused. Alex crawls toward him, but when he reaches John, the man disappears before his eyes. Alex's shaking hands grabbed at the ground, pounding on the black floor.

Suddenly, he's standing up, and Peggy is standing before him, her arms crossed. "I see how you look at my sisters."

Alex opens his mouth to speak, but a hand is shoved over his lips. It's Jefferson again, his deep growl terrifying Alex, "Don't!"

Jefferson shifts, and now it's Philip standing there, yanking his hand away from Alex's face. "I'm not naive."

Philip turns into John, slowly circling around Alex, spitting, "I have seen women around you."

"Don't!" Maria again, backing away from him; hiding the bruises on her arms.

Eliza grabbed him by the hair again. This Eliza had strange metal bits in her face and dark lipstick. She swung him around in a way that made his neck hurt. "Think I don't see how they fall for your charms."

Alex scrambled back as he appeared at the feet of a mob of his supposed lovers. Angelicas and Johns intermixed with Burrs and Marias, with the occasional Washington and Jefferson scattered in. They screamed in unison, anger, frustration, boiling over until it drowned Alex, "All your charms!"

The mob disappeared into neat rows of Elizas. They all stared above him, not bothering to even look down at the mess at their feet. They spoke in rounds, like an echo, each one making a statement on their own.

"I'm erasing myself from the narrative…"

Once again Alex felt himself fall through the floor. He was caught by Burr, who immediately dropped him. He dusted off his hands and muttered, "Let future historians wonder-"

"How we reacted," Lafayette said, pulling Alex too his feet with far too much force. Herc and John were standing behind him, not making eye contact, "When you broke our hearts."

Angelica was now in their spot, her clothing different than anything Alexander had ever seen. "You have thrown it all away."

"Stand back." Burr said, appearing by his side, "Watch it burn."

A wall of flames appeared before them, Alex held up his hand, trying to shield his eyes from the heat and light. Burr fizzled out of existence and Alex felt his tears evaporate on his face. Stepping out of the fire, holding a sword, was Eliza. Her hair was braided back and she pointed her sword at him. The tip stopped just an inch before his nose. "Just watch it all burn."

"And when the time comes," Maria said, looking down at a pocket watch.

"Explain to the children." Angelica pointed a finger at him.

"The pain and embarrassment." Peggy was behind him, jabbing his back forcefully, he had to stumble forward, lest he fall. The women kept pushing him, smacking him, until he was right in front of the fire. His hair smoked and his eyes hurt from the heat.

All three of them said at once. "You put their mother through!"

"When will you learn." The Eliza with the sword said, her eyes flashing. She raised the weapon in the air and brought it down with such force. Alex closed his eyes and prepared for impact.

He was jostled and he opened his eyes to see the army of Elizas standing in front of him again. They each had a Philip, an Angie, of their own. Some had more; some had less, but all had at least one child on their hip. They screamed and held their children close. "That they are you legacy? We are your legacy!"

Alex bites down on his hand in a weak attempt to stop himself from sobbing. He stepped backwards, shakily trying to escape this hell he'd been dropped into. He looked up to see Eliza, one that looked just like his own, standing before him. Her voice was a quiet kind of anger. Alex shivered at her tone. "If you thought you were mine."

"Mine!" Anglica appeared beside her. John, next to her. Washington, then Jefferson, then Lafayette, then Maria, on and on and on, they all appeared in a circle, surrounding him, looking down at him with disgust. "Mine!"

"Don't!"

Suddenly, all the light disappeared from the place. It was all darkness, the empty void that Alex had first stepped into. Alex curled up on himself, he was alone, utterly alone. He felt his heart drown in misery; he hated himself for what he had done, how he hurt these people. Footsteps echoed around him, and he glanced up to see the John with the eyepatch standing over him, his hands in his pockets.

"Why would you show this to me?" Alex asked, his voice a whisper.

"I have to." John replied. "I have to show every Alexander this. They have to know the consequences for their actions."

"I already knew that I hurt them, I- I didn't-" Alex sputtered.

John picked Alex up by the collar of his shirt, forcing the man to stand. "No, you didn't. You knew that you hurt one of them, in one world. This kind of event has an impact that ripples throughout every other timeline as well."

Alex shook his head, "But it's useless now! I've been shot! Why would you show a dying man his worst mistake, when he can do nothing to fix it!?"

John turned on him, his eye squinting as he said through gritted teeth, "So you do better. Next time around."
"Next time?" Alex asked, "What in the burning hell do you mean?"

"Just remember this, when you try again." John said, his gaze turned over to the dark abyss behind Alex, "I have to take you back now. You're going to die soon."

"But!"

"Remember, Alexander." John growled, turning to jab him hard in the forehead, "Remember, so next time, you'll be the man your wife deserves! The man I deserved!"

"What-"

John made a hand gesture and suddenly Alex was being thrown back through the void, back to his body. He opened his eyes to find Eliza, his Eliza, the real one, standing over him. She was crying, and she held his hand as he laid in a hospital bed. He knew that he should be fighting to stay alive right now, but all he could think about was John's cryptic message. He looked up at Eliza. It took all of his strength to lift his other hand, clasping Eliza's within both of his own. He spoke through a bloodied cough.

"Eliza…" He said, groaning a little. He was bleeding out. He could feel the bullet in his rib; grading against his muscles with each breath. "I'll fix this."

"Shh, you're delusional." She said, gently brushing back his hair. He didn't live long enough to explain himself. But that's alright. He'll tell her everything, during his second chance.

"Why are you so obsessed with this man, anyway?" Vanessa asked shortly after Lin explained his idea to her. They were in their little study; surrounded by papers and music sheets.

The man shrugged, turning back to his desk, "I don't know. There's just something about him that's inspired me. Like, I think we would've been buddies, if we were alive at the same time. I think we'd think similarly."

Vanessa picked up one of his research articles, a detailed account about the founding father's affair. She said teasingly, "Hopefully not too similarly."

"No, not in that aspect." Lin agreed, placing a sweet kiss on his wife's hand. She set down the historical article and gestured for him to start singing.

"Go ahead, try again." She said, leaning against the wall, "I'm listening."

Lin took a deep breath and nodded, looking up at Vanessa. He felt himself speak before he even knew the words were coming out of his mouth, "Don't worry, dearest; I'll get it right this time."

Tell me what you think!