Mikau: Hello everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time to check this out. I think this is going to end up being pretty long. I plan on there being two more chapters of similar length, so… Yeah. This is going to be the first multi-chaptered, full-length HakuShin fic that I've done, so we'll see how it goes. I hope you enjoy it! Before we get started, I just want to say that, yes, I killed Kaito, but ghost!Kaito will still pop up here and there, so don't jump ship on me just yet. I think this will be sad at times, but, overall, this is a fic about finding peace and healing and moving on. Again, I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would be a lot more angst in this series, I'm tellin' ya.
…
Chapter One: Inferno
"I need your help, Tantei-kun…. If anything ever happens to me, take care of Saguru."
Those words rang in Shinichi's ears as he placed a white rose on the casket.
He'd just come back a day ago. Two days too late for Kid…or Kuroba Kaito or whomever that loon had been under the top hat and monocle. Shinichi hadn't been at the heist. He wondered if things would have been different if he had.
"Please, Tantei-kun? Can you do that for me?" haunted Shinichi for two days after the funeral, and on the third day he finally got up, got dressed, and made his way to the Hakuba Manor just on the outskirts of Ekoda.
A middle-aged man with a large gut answered the door looking harried, like he'd just gotten back from a bad trip. His clothes were disheveled, his hair was a bird's nest, and there were inky black bags under his bloodshot eyes.
"Can I help you?" The man—Superintendent Hakuba?!—cleared his throat when it didn't appear Shinichi was going to do anything other than gawk.
"S-Sorry. I'm here to see Hakuba-kun." Shinichi squirmed under the Superintendent's gaze.
"He's…" Hakuba Akihiko grimaced. "Can I take a message? If it's a case…I think he's retired."
"Actually, if I could talk to him, I'm…I'm Kudo Shinichi. We worked together sometimes on Kid, so…"
The Superintendent seemed to tense at the word "Kid". "Did you now? He…Saguru's not doing so well after Kid's death, so if you could just leave a message, I'll—"
"—I promised Kid I'd make sure Hakuba-kun was okay if anything ever happened to him," Shinichi blurted out.
This gave the police officer pause. He considered Shinichi's words and then sighed. "Come in. Sorry the entire hell hole's a mess. The housekeeper…she tried to keep working, but…apparently she knew the kid that died rather well too. I guess it hit her pretty hard. Between that and seeing Saguru in the shape he's in, well…I sent her on vacation for a week," Akihiko explained, getting out house scuffs and showing the detective up the stairs and down the hall.
"Meanwhile, I'm completely useless. I don't even know where we keep the damn tea," he grumbled but then caught himself. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be saying things like that to a guest, but…I haven't slept much what with Saguru's wailing and carrying on. I…I apologize. I'm at my wit's end, and I feel like…" He stopped with a sigh in front of the last door on the right. "I feel like a bad father. I didn't even know my son had a boyfriend until all this happened, and now…I don't know what to do to fix it, so if there's anything you can do…" Biting his lip, he reached out for the door handle. "Anything…"
The door to Saguru's bedroom opened, and Shinichi could hear singing. Angel of Music from The Phantom of the Opera.
Akihiko sighed again. "Sorry. He does that. Yesterday it was Les Miserables, tomorrow it will probably be Wicked. He…hasn't been holding up well. He probably won't even realize we're here."
Despite his low expectations, the Superintendent called out, "Saguru? Saguru, there's someone to see you!"
There was no response as Saguru sang on hauntingly…or maybe, rather, haunted.
Shaking his head, Akihiko led the way through the room and out onto the balcony where Hakuba Saguru was sitting on the ground, all hunched up. He looked out with unseeing eyes through the breaks in the stone railing as he trilled like a caged canary.
Saguru didn't even look up at them.
"He hasn't spoken to me since we got home from the hospital," Akihiko informed. "He talks to…to that boy, though. Kudo-kun, if there's anything you can do, please. If not…I can't take care of him anymore."
With a nervous gulp, Shinichi hesitantly approached. "H-Hakuba-kun? Can you hear me? It's Kudo Shinichi. We've worked on Kid cases together before."
There was a break in the eerie ballad for a moment at the word "Kid", but Hakuba went right back to crooning.
"Kuroba Kaito sent me," Shinichi tried again.
The music stopped.
Saguru's head turned slow and mechanically like a possessed doll out of a horror film. Dead, glassy eyes—one golden, the color of crystalized honey, the other a clear light blue like the sky on a cloudless day—gazed at Shinichi.
Saguru blinked. His eyes focused, and then life returned to his features. Astonishment and disbelief flooded his face as he pulled himself to his feet and shakily approached Shinichi, whispering, "K-Kaito? Kaito!"
Hakuba ran to Shinichi and threw his arms around him. "Kaito! Kaito!" he sobbed. "You came back. You were alright. Damn you, you smegging trickster! You scared me! God how you scared me! But how? Kaito, you died in my arms. How are you…?"
Saguru looked up at the startled Shinichi, and their eyes met.
Saguru's eyes narrowed. "You're…not Kaito."
"N-No. Sorry," Shinichi replied solemnly.
"Because Kaito is dead," Hakuba concluded, the light beginning to fade from his eyes once again.
Shinichi couldn't think of a single thing to say in response. He remembered the pain of losing Ran to another man. He imagined that torture multiplied by a thousand and thought that maybe that would adequately describe how Hakuba was feeling at the moment.
"But he sent me to take care of you in his place," Shinichi informed, not wanting Hakuba to go back to the dark, lonely place he'd been since his beloved died.
"Kaito did?" Saguru slumped back down up against the balcony railing, humming a few bars of the titular song of The Phantom of the Opera.
"Yeah," Shinichi insisted, fighting to keep Saguru's attention. He knelt down in front of the other detective. "I could tell how much he cared about you when he asked me to make sure you were okay. He wouldn't want to see you like this because of him, so…what do you say we get you cleaned up and give you something to eat?"
Hakuba considered it for a moment before nodding, listlessly rising to his feet once more and shuffling along after Shinichi.
Hakuba Senior was the one to actually help Saguru bathe while Shinichi went downstairs to make a simple lunch.
After getting cleaned up, Saguru followed Shinichi like a lost duckling down to the dining room where he ate robotically.
"Thank you so much for doing this," Akihiko whispered to Shinichi out in the hall, looking like he was about to cry tears of joy. "It's disgraceful for me to let a guest—but… That's the most animated I've seen my son in days…besides the manic bouts of tears and screams, anyway, but… Kudo-kun, move in with us. I'll pay you. Name your price. What would it cost to have you as Saguru's caretaker?"
Shinichi shrugged. "I'm here repaying a debt to an old colleague. I don't need a salary if you could just keep the fridge stocked and maybe provide some spending money for activities if I can persuade your son to leave the house eventually. Does that sound fair?"
Akihiko nodded enthusiastically, never happier to be welcoming a stranger into his home.
…
The rest of that first day went well.
Shinichi sat and spoke with (at mostly) Hakuba for a good hour, and then the young heir laid down for a nap.
Shinichi and Akihiko let him sleep for two hours while they discussed plans.
It was decided that Shinichi would stay in the guestroom next to Saguru's and that they'd slowly work on getting him to hold normal conversations. Once the younger Hakuba was a little more cognizant, they'd strive to get him going independently again.
They admitted that this could take a long time given the state Saguru was currently in, but there was hope. There was always hope.
…
That evening, Saguru was persuaded to eat dinner. He ate mindlessly, putting bite after spoonful of whatever his utensil happened to pick up until he was mechanically shoveling forkfuls of air into his mouth.
"You can stop now," Shinichi informed gently, reaching out and putting a hand on Saguru's, halting the machinelike motion of fork-to-plate-to-mouth-to-plate-to-mouth.
Saguru blinked, looking up at Shinichi in confusion before replying with a quiet "Oh" and setting his utensil down.
Shinichi bit his lip, searching for a topic of conversation. He'd used up pretty much everything from astrophysics to the weather earlier. "So…what do you want to talk about, Hakuba-kun?"
The blonde shook his head. "I don't want to talk."
"What do you want to do? Go for a walk? Play chess? Watch a movie?" Shinichi inquired hopefully.
Hakuba set his head down on the table and looked sadly at his empty plate. "I want to die."
Cheery thought, that. And once again Shinichi had no suitable response. How could he expound upon the joys of living when the guy had just lost someone he'd love dearly, when the world seemed empty and the future looked bleak?
"I want to go be with Kaito," Saguru whimpered.
At least he was talking.
"But you know that Kaito wouldn't want you to die, right?" Shinichi tried. "That he'd want you to keep living and be happy?"
"Yes. That's what he tells me. Every day he goes on and on about how much he wants me to keep going, make friends…find someone else to love," Saguru grumbled ruefully.
Shinichi chose not to comment on the fact that his charge apparently still had conversations with his dead boyfriend.
"Well…what did you do before Kaito?" Shinichi tried to be constructive.
Saguru sat back up and sighed, looking miserable. "I was alone…and I don't make for very good company."
"But you're not alone now. I'm here," Shinichi stressed.
Saguru seemed to think about this for a moment. "…Are you staying long?"
"Until you're okay." Shinichi shrugged, starting to clean up the dishes.
"That could take a long time. I'm a bit bonkers, if you haven't noticed. I talk to dead people and brake down in a torrential fit of tears for no reason. Sometimes I'm completely catatonic. Are you really willing to waste so much of your life on a lost cause like that?" Saguru inquired in a completely jaded, apathetic tone.
Shinichi paused to look his fellow detective in the eye. "The fact that you know you're not okay means that you're not a lost cause. You're experiencing grief, and I promised Kid that I would get you through it. I'm done breaking promises. I'm going to put as much time into this as it takes."
Saguru thought about it for a minute and then replied, "I don't wish to be a burden, but…if this is something you've chosen, I won't stop you."
…
Conversation was hard to come by the rest of the evening. Mostly Saguru stared off into space, huddled in a little ball on the sofa, while Shinichi browsed Hakuba's impressive collection of literature.
Shinichi sat and read until the sun rode low on the horizon, staining the room red with its glow.
Saguru began to tremble. He was unresponsive when Shinichi spoke to him, shaking him a little, asking if he were okay, if he needed anything.
"He gets like that," Akihiko explained with a sigh when Shinichi called for him in a bit of a panic. "He's going to have one of his fits. Just…do what you can. If it gets to be too much, don't feel bad about leaving him to cry it out."
Shinichi's eyes narrowed, his mouth set in a thin line. "I'm not leaving him," he swore.
The Superintendent shrugged. It was plain to see in his features that he was exhausted and had long since given up.
The "fit" came on just as twilight died away, revealing the twinkling stars and the waning moon that had been in its full splendor not a week before…the night Kid had breathed his last.
Saguru saw the moon, the stars, and he began to wail. He cried; he screamed, and not a word that Shinichi said seemed to get through to him. It was actually quite terrifying, but Shinichi couldn't leave. He wouldn't give up.
Late, late that night…or perhaps very, very early that next morning, right around three thirty, Saguru seemed to cry himself out. He went limp in Shinichi's arms, shut his eyes, and fell asleep.
It was everything Shinichi could do to drag the larger young man into bed.
…
The next day, Hakuba was completely withdrawn from the world around him. He didn't seem to notice Shinichi's presence even when Shinichi raised his voice or went so far as to shake the blonde.
Saguru did seem to have a rather important discussion with Kaito, though. Mostly Saguru listened for long expanses of time and then gave disjointed responses that didn't make much sense to Shinichi who could only hear Hakuba's half of the conversation.
Saguru's reply consisted of, "But they're still out there.", "If I don't do anything, you and your father's deaths will have been for nothing!", "I know.", and "I know. You're right."
There was a long pause in which Kaito was probably saying something, and then Saguru whispered sadly, "But I don't want to move on. I want to be with you."
Shinichi got the feeling that he needed to investigate this Kuroba Kaito. And his father. There was something not quite right about Kid's death.
…
Shinichi tried to communicate with Saguru again the following morning and received, "Who are you?" as a response.
At least Hakuba could see and hear him today.
"I'm…your friend, Kudo Shinichi." He smiled and stretched out a hand to help Saguru up.
The other detective stared at him with those unnerving, mismatched eyes, studying him for a moment before tentatively accepting the outstretched hand.
Saguru ate well that day—again, mindlessly until Shinichi instructed him to stop, but…—and he had relatively few instances of gazing off into space. He stared at objects pensively, wordlessly for hours, but there was focus in his eyes. You could tell he was thinking. It was an improvement.
That night, though, as the sun went down and the stars came out, Saguru began to cry silently, seemingly lost in his own thoughts where Shinichi couldn't reach him.
As that first week came to a close, both Akihiko and Shinichi noted marked improvement in Saguru's condition, so the Superintendent went back to work, leaving Saguru to Shinichi's care.
And Baaya came back.
Saguru was doing particularly well that day when she came home. He recognized her immediately and ran to embrace her with a choked sob of, "Baaya! Oh, Baaya! Kaito…Kaito's dead."
"I know, Sweetheart," she whispered, squeezing him in return as her own eyes dampened.
That night they played board games down in the kitchen because neither Saguru (nor Baaya, Shinichi gathered,) could stand the sight of playing cards at the moment.
The atmosphere was far from jovial, but it was more normal than anything Shinichi had seen the past week.
It was good to see Hakuba with his head out of the clouds for more than a half hour at a time.
As Shinichi was getting ready to go up to bed, Baaya took him by the elbow, stopping him in the hall outside of the kitchen.
"I just wanted to say thank you," she whispered warmly and genuinely. "I don't know what it is about you, but he responds to you, and, for that, I'm truly grateful. Ever since we lost Kaito…" She winced at the memory. "It's been as if we'd lost Saguru too, so…thank you for bringing at least one of them back to us."
Shinichi nodded, not sure how to respond. This family had been through so much. "I'm just glad there was something I could do, that me being here is helping."
…
Sometimes Shinichi truly wondered if he was helping as the weeks dragged on. By the middle of the third week, though, Saguru remembered Shinichi's name and was pretty aware most of the time. And after a month of the same daily struggles, Hakuba was starting to have actual conversations with Shinichi.
One Sunday as Shinichi sat next to him reading Valley of Fear, Saguru remarked, "You look familiar, you know that?"
Shinichi looked up from the book and blinked. "You mean because I look like Kaito?" Shinichi held his breath, hoping that mentioning "the name" wouldn't do any irreparable damage.
"No." Saguru shook his head. "Yes, you do resemble him in an uncanny manner, but…I feel like I've met you before. Before I met you, I mean."
Shinichi hummed thoughtfully in response. They hadn't met before. Shinichi had previously been briefly introduced to Saguru's father, but that was before the Brit had come to Japan. Seeing as Shinichi had been Conan for the past four years, there hadn't been an opportunity for Saguru and "Kudo Shinichi" to meet.
"You remind me a great deal of my former colleague, Edogawa Conan," Saguru chuckled. "The way you talk, look, act…even the way you dress. It's funny. You two could be twins…born a decade apart, but…"
"Actually…" Shinichi bit his lip. The danger had passed. The men that wanted him dead were all on the other side themselves. It wouldn't hurt anything. "You're not going to believe this, but…I was Conan. I was force-fed an experimental poison. It shrunk me."
Saguru blinked and then took it in stride. "Oh. That explains it, then."
"You believe me?" Shinichi snorted incredulously.
Saguru shrugged and then looked out the window. "Kaito was searching for a gem within a gem that cried tears of immortality. And he found it. I believe all sorts of things nowadays."
Shinichi nodded. He wanted to ask, but…the sad, far-off look on Saguru's face told him that now was not a good time. Instead, he changed the subject. "You like Sherlock Holmes, right?" He held up the book in his hands. "I would think so considering you have several editions of the complete collection and the pages are all well-worn. Did you want me to read to you?"
Saguru looked quizzical for a moment before a small, fragile smile spread across his face. "That…wouldn't be unwelcome."
…
During the second month, Saguru had fewer breakdowns. They still happened, but their frequency and duration decreased. He was starting to gain back his autonomy. He was getting up in the morning and getting dressed on his own, starting to realize when he was hungry, when he'd eaten enough. He was even bathing without help…well…sometimes he'd space out and Shinichi would have to check on him, but, for the most part, Saguru was slowly becoming capable once again. He was even helping Baaya around the house from time to time.
One Saturday, Shinichi and Saguru were making their own lunch so that Baaya could go spend the day with friends.
Saguru leaned forward to grab something on the other side of the island, and a silver ring on a simple chain around his neck slid forward, becoming visible for the first time.
Shinichi paused to study it. Saguru wasn't one to wear jewelry of any kind, so…
Saguru looked up and blinked when he caught Shinichi staring. "Problem? Is there something on my face?"
Shinichi shook his head, chuckling as Saguru checked his reflection in one of the pans hanging from the rack. "No. I was just looking at your necklace, the ring. I didn't think you wore jewelry."
The expression on Saguru's face darkened as he looked down and fingered the ring. "It's…this is the exception."
Shinichi nodded. "May I see it?"
Saguru bit his lip. "I don't really take it off, but…" He came around to the other side of the island and stood close so that Shinichi could see.
Shinichi carefully reached out and gingerly took the ring between his fingers, inspecting it. "It must be important to you," he hummed, admiring the craftsmanship. It was a simple yet elegant design really fitting Saguru's style.
"It is," Saguru assured in a small voice.
"It's really nice. Kind of a sophisticated style that really suits you," Shinichi praised as he took a look at the engraving.
On the band was a dove and the word Forever. On the inside was written Hakuba Saguru and Kuroba Kaito, only the kanji used were different than normal. The 'ba' in Saguru's name had been swapped for the 'ba' in Kaito's and vice versa. The kanji now meant White Feathers and Black Horse.
Shinichi dropped the ring.
It hit Saguru's chest and bounced back once before settling over Hakuba's heart.
Shinichi took a step back looking at his friend in wide-eyed shock. "I-I'm sorry," he whispered. "I had no idea that you two were married."
Saguru lips formed a bittersweet smile once more as he put a hand over the ring and leaned back up against the counter. "More engaged than anything," he replied softly. "We'd exchanged vows and rings in private, but…we weren't living together exactly, and we hadn't had any kind of official ceremony, so…" Saguru closed his eyes. "But he was here more often than not. And when he wasn't, I was at his house. We'd slept side by side for two years, not a night apart until…and we were planning on getting our own place in the spring. We were going to have the official wedding right before we moved out, but—"
It was then that Saguru's voice broke and tears overcame him.
"Hey, it's okay." Shinichi tried to be helpful, sound comforting, but…what did you say to someone that had lost the love of their life? Pursing his lips, Shinichi pulled out a stool for Saguru. "Here. Why don't you sit down?"
Shinichi then pulled out a second and sat beside his charge, awkwardly putting an arm around the quietly sobbing Saguru.
Saguru rested his head on Shinichi's shoulder and surrendered to the overwhelming grief. He didn't try to hold it in or control it. He simply allowed himself to cry, hanging on desperately to Shinichi until the worst of it was over.
"Thank you," Saguru whispered against Shinichi's neck. "…and sorry."
"I'm the one that made you cry," Shinichi scoffed. "You have every right in the world to feel bereft. You don't have to apologize to me."
"…Then…thank you," Saguru revised.
They gave up on making lunch after that and went to the convenience store to buy bentou. They came back to the house and watched reruns of Detective Samonji for a while, and Saguru went to bed early.
…
That night at about three in the morning, Shinichi awoke to the sound of the board by the door, just inside the room, squeaking. Still paranoid from his days on the run from the Organization, Shinichi woke with a start, nearly jumping out of his skin and putting a hole in the ceiling.
"S-Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," Saguru apologized profusely, bowing deeply at the waist.
"Hey," Shinichi greeted, calming down a little bit when he'd identified his visitor, though his heart was still going like a crazy ax murderer trying to break down the door. "Saguru. What's up? Everything okay?"
Saguru shrugged, standing awkwardly at the foot of the bed, looking like he was regretting coming. "I couldn't sleep, and…I don't want to be alone, so…"
"It's fine." Shinichi scooted over and pulled up the comforter for Saguru to slide in next to him. "No need to be shy. Come on. Friends do this all the time, and the bed's big enough, so…" Okay, maybe only little kids slept together like that, but…
Again it looked like Saguru was having second thoughts. "Sorry. I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have bothered you."
"You're not a bother," Shinichi assured, actually meaning it. "But if you don't wind up sleeping in here, you'll have woken me up for nothing," Shinichi baited, manipulating the blonde slightly.
Saguru balked at the thought and quickly situated himself under the covers. "Again, sorry."
"Again, it's fine," Shinichi chuckled, settling back in and preparing to go back to dreamland, only…Saguru couldn't sleep.
The blonde tried not to make a nuisance of himself, but he couldn't get comfortable and ended up moving around just enough to rouse Shinichi each time as he managed to drift off.
Accepting the fact that he would be getting no additional sleep until Saguru was able to, Shinichi rolled over onto his side, facing the other detective. "Wanna talk?"
"I don't wish to disturb you," Saguru whispered back, trying to hold still.
"…Let's talk anyway. Until you fall asleep…. So…how does someone like you, a detective, wind up married to the Kaitou Kid? If you don't mind me asking, of course. I don't want to upset you."
"It's alright. I do enjoy talking about Kaito, even though it still stings." Saguru's soft smile was barely visible in the dark. "And I didn't marry the Kaitou Kid. I married Kaito Kuroba," he corrected. "As for how that came to be…well, he's a charming person. Very kind, noble. He would have made an excellent detective if not for the whole mess with his father and Kaito's dream of becoming a magician. He was absolutely intolerable at first, but…once he let some of his walls down around me and I came to understand him better…how could I help but fall in love with him? He changed my way of thinking, opened my eyes to a whole new world. I'd been living in a cage for so long, and he was the one that opened the door for me." That faint, fond grin was growing on Saguru's face as he spoke of his love. "By some miracle, he came to feel the same way for me. And that was that. He put a ring on my finger, and I was his."
All was quiet as the fairy tale came to an end.
Saguru broke the silence a moment later with a soft, ironic laugh.
Shinichi could see the tears streaming down his companion's face in the moonlight.
"Only…'forever' didn't last very long, did it?"
Shinichi reached out and wiped the tears away, once again not possessing the words to make it all better but doing his best to be there for his friend.
"S-Sorry," Saguru mumbled sheepishly.
"Don't be sorry. I'm the one that keeps bringing up stuff that makes you cry," Shinichi lightly admonished, ruffling Saguru's hair.
"I like it when you ask questions like that, though." Saguru swallowed. "I like talking about Kaito. It's just…like I said, it hurts."
"Because he's so important to you. Yeah. I know. I know the feeling." Shinichi smiled wryly as he thought of Ran and her fiancé.
"You do?" Saguru's voice broke through Shinichi's sad reverie like a baby chick poking through the eggshell. "Perhaps you'll share stories about…about her sometime? For now, though, perhaps we should dwell on the good memories?"
"Yeah. That's probably best," Shinichi agreed and then added, "…and yeah. I'll…I'll talk about Ran sometime, but right now let's talk about something lighthearted."
"Well, one time Kaito decided that it would be a good idea to switch everyone's gym lockers. He physically unbolted them from the wall and moved them around. It was…highly embarrassing for some people and resulted in the suspension of a few students for selling drugs when the school officials had to open the lockers up to find out whose was whose."
The rest of the night they laughed together as Saguru told of Kaito's exploits. Shinichi was beginning to really like the magician. It was a shame that he had only known the thief. He had a feeling that if he and Kaito had had the chance, they could have been good friends.
The stories went on for hours, and they slipped off to sleep just as the sun began to rise.
…
A few weeks later as they were playing a rather tame game of Slap Jack, Shinichi was suddenly inspired to tell the story of Ran.
"It sounds a lot like the story of Aoko and Kaito. The lies were the vines that choked their beautiful relationship to death. He couldn't be with her so long as he carried his dark secrets, lived his double life, but…she deserved better. She deserved happiness, so he let her go. And he was miserable about it for…I was going to say a whole year until we got together, but…truth be told, he still loved her to the day he died. Not that he loved me any less because of it," Saguru quickly assured, laying down his card. "It's just…it's possible to love two people at once without betraying either one."
Shinichi nodded. "Yeah. I'm starting to get that," he chuckled.
"How do you mean?" Saguru cocked his head to the side cutely.
Shinichi shrugged, flipping over a card and slapping the pile as the jack came up.
Saguru looked down and frowned. He hadn't been paying attention. With a sigh, he asked, "Do you think it was all for the best, or are you terribly unhappy now that you've lost the love of your life and have only me for company?"
"You're pretty good company." Shinichi wasn't sure how to answer the question. He didn't know himself.
"I am not," Saguru snorted, laying down his last card. He sighed. "At least I don't have psychotic meltdowns anymore…very often."
"I enjoy your company," Shinichi chuckled, tidying up the cards.
"I begin to think that you're a masochist," Saguru replied dryly.
"Let me turn the question back at you: Saguru, are you terribly unhappy now that you've lost the love of your life and have only me for company?" Shinichi posed as he shuffled the cards.
At first the blonde gazed at Shinichi almost uncomprehendingly, gold eyes (now that Saguru had started to wear the colored contact once more) holding sapphire hostage for a full minute.
And then Saguru looked down to think about it, all the while watching Shinichi's hands as they moved skillfully…but not as skillfully as Kaito's.
"Sometimes," Saguru whispered, still staring as the cards danced. "But other times…it's not so bad. I can imagine myself going on this way. I think Kaito would be happy to know that I haven't given up. That I'm trying to make things work."
"Yeah," Shinichi chuckled softly, reaching out to muss Saguru's hair. "I think he'd be really proud of you. You're doing awesome, Saguru."
A cloudy expression came over Saguru's face. "I worry that maybe I'm doing too well. That I'm getting better too fast. I wonder if I shouldn't be more distraught, grieve more. Do you think I'm not mourning enough? I don't want…I don't want Kaito to think I don't love him because I'm moving on too fast." Saguru looked at Shinichi in anxiety.
Shinichi rested his hand on Saguru's. "If Kaito truly loves you, he would never want you to be miserable. He'd want you to feel better as soon as possible, move on, find happiness, and always keep him with you in your heart. He'd want you to remember him and smile, wouldn't he? I mean, he did love you, didn't he?"
Saguru nodded and replied resolutely, "Selflessly. More than anything."
"Then?" Shinichi challenged.
"Then…he'd be happy with the way my life is going," Saguru decided with a bashful smile.
"I think so," Shinichi encouraged.
Saguru looked at Shinichi quizzically. "…And are you happy? In general, Shinichi?"
Shinichi opened his mouth to reply but then shut it once more and thought about his response for a minute before tentatively giving it, "I think…sometimes I think that I can't go on like this, but then…I remember that you need me, that things could be a lot worse." Shinichi broke eye contact, looking to the side. "I hate to think about what would have happened if I hadn't come here to take care of you after I got my body back. I probably would have started drinking, forgotten to eat, thrown myself into my work, and, eventually, gotten myself killed, so…when I think about that life and compare it to endless days spent with you…I feel really blessed that Kaito sent me here. I can't really justify being sad over Ran."
"Surely you wonder what things would have been like if you had ended up with Ran-san, though?" Saguru bit his lip, awaiting the answer.
Shinichi shook his head, looking tired. "No use rubbing salt in the wounds. There are a lot of things I could kick myself for: all the lies, not coming clean to her immediately, following those goons in the first place, being so slow to figure things out… There are a lot of what ifs. I'd go insane if I let myself dwell on them. I'm content here. I like being here with you, Saguru. Why bother with the other stuff when I've got so much going for me?"
Saguru hummed pensively for a moment before a hint of a smile formed on his face. "I'll just consider myself lucky that your opinion of what constitutes 'blessed' and 'having a lot going for you' is utterly skewed."
"You just have a hard time accepting that you're a worthwhile person who's fun to spend time with." Shinichi rolled his eyes playfully.
"Because I am neither of those things," Saguru stubbornly insisted.
"Kaito thought you were, didn't he?" Shinichi interjected, bringing Saguru's arguments to a halt.
Saguru nodded.
"And Kaito was a wonderful person, a great judge of character, wasn't he?"
Saguru had no response.
"I know I'm not half as wonderful as Kaito, but…I'd like to think that I can at least be trusted to discern whether a person is worthwhile or not…. And I say that you're a beautiful human being whom I enjoy being in the company of."
Blushing and looking down at his hands, Saguru mumbled, "You're wrong."
Shinichi frowned.
"You're…pretty wonderful yourself," Saguru explained, much to Shinichi's delight. "Maybe not as wonderful as Kaito, but…very close."
"Thank you," Shinichi replied sincerely. "I know what a compliment that truly is coming from you."
"Well…it's only the truth," Saguru muttered as he squirmed in embarrassment. And then he changed the subject. "Let's play War, shall we?"
"Sure," Shinichi chuckled, enjoying the cute blush lighting up the blonde's cheeks.
…
Mikau: Yes? No? Maybe? I'm pretty happy with it. Well, I thank you again for reading. If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving me a review. I haven't written much of this pairing before, but if it's popular, I'll try to write some more HakuShin in the future. So if you'd be interested in seeing some more HakuShin, be sure to let me know. One more thing before I go: look at the chapter title. Can anyone tell me what the next chapter is called? If you can, you'll make me very, very happy. Have a great week, guys! I'll try to update next Friday.