AN: A fic I wrote to help kill my writer's block that took a life of it's own. I was influenced by Amethyst Turtle's How to Get 1000 Reviews which I encourage everyone to check out. (After reading this of course.)
Anyway Enjoy.
Need Help
Are you tired of people not reading and reviewing your wonderful, impressive stories? Then follow these simple tips, and your reviews and viewers will exponentially increase.
Now you may be wondering, "Why should I listen to a guy who has only 1 other story, with only 1 review of said story. The answer is a simple one my friends. Obviously if you do the opposite of what I do, you'll have opposite results. Therefore unlike me who has few viewers and reviews, you'll have thousands." Now get ready for the most important tips of your fanfiction career.
Tip 1 – choosing a genre:
Want lots of people to view your literary work. Then make sure to categorize it as romance, angst, hurt/comfort, adventure or humor. Even if your work isn't one of these categories, lie and say it is. These are the most popular genres that attract readers like moths to a flame. AT ALL COST, avoid writing a Western, Spiritual, or Sci-Fi story. As soon as you add one of these genres as a category, you're guaranteeing your doom.
Tip 2 – Bribery:
If you think that you're the only review whore out there then think again. Practically everyone on this site has some review whore in them, and it's up to you to bring it out. In the AN of your story say, "Anyone who R&R my story, I'll return the favor to one of their stories." You'll instantly get hundreds, no thousands of people reviewing your stories so that you can review theirs. Now you don't really have to review their stories, but then people will start to catch on. So you can either use this as a onetime shot, or write thousands of reviews, for the thousands you'll get in return.
Tip 3 - Tie in stories:
Out of the multiple stories you've written, people only seem to read one. If your others stories need some attention desperately, then ties ins are for you. A tie in is when you must read another story in order to currently understand an aspect of the one your currently reading. Here's an example for anyone still confused. Ex. [Luffy was about to get blown away by Blackbeard's massive black hole, which would end his life. Just as the hole was about to make contact with his skin, a person jumped in the way and destroyed the hole. Luffy looked up at his savior, "Yuri, is that you?" he asked. "Yo….Luffy", Yuri coolly replied. (if you're wondering who Yuri is read my other fan fic, Strawhats meet Yuri.)] Now in order to understand this obviously vital character, readers must read your other story. In order to make sure readers don't drop your fic for pulling this stunt, make sure you do in later chapters where the only people still reading are those who are hooked.
Tip 4 – Combine all your stories into one fic:
It's a fact. The longer stories tend to have the most reviews and views. So logically thinking, if you were to combine all your stories into one fic, you would get lots and lots of reviews. "But what if none of my stories relate to one another?" you ask. Well the solution is simple. Just have a chapter stating that a new story is beginning. Not only will that add another chapter, but now viewers won't be confused by when a story ends and another begins in your enormous fic.
Tip 5 – Lie:
Everyone has that one story that their not proud of. They wrote it and posted it, despite knowing it's crappy. Now there are three way to go about this situation. You can say nothing, and let reader's find out what a dump of fic you left them. (Dumb idea) You can warn people that it's not your best work, and go for the pity/sympathy R&R. (dumb idea) Or you can lie.(smart idea) Tell the best lie you can think of, saying how your story is an awesome, epic, emotional tale, that will have your soul begging for more. Just make sure you lie elegantly and not like this. Ex. [Yo, my stry is aWesmE and u shuld tot cHeck It ouT!] Readers will be suspicious if you misspell words constantly and overuse exclamation points and caps lock. You have to tell a classy lie, so that they'll let down their defenses and read your story. Ex. [A story which tells the epic legend of how….]
Tip 6 – Let the readers have power:
The one thing that everybody loves to have is control. In order to get more reviews, give the readers some of the control in your story. Make it similar to those choose your own adventure type stories, where the readers decide how the characters act. Ex. [Robin needed a date to the school dance, but doesn't know who to ask. (Who should Robin choose? Leave your answer in a review, and the most popular answer will get chosen.)] The setting is one of those lame high school fics if case you couldn't tell. Any way now the readers will have to review if they wish to see their favorite pairing.
Tip 7 – choose the right characters:
Let's face it. If your fic doesn't have the monster trio, Law, or Ace in it, then it more than likely won't get many views. So the solution is simple, more lying. Write your story about any character you want, then in the character column put either Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Law, or Ace. People won't know you're lying until after they read the story. If you have a guilty conscious after committing this act, it's easy to rectify it. Just add whatever character you said it was at the end of the story, and give them one line. That way it wasn't a complete lie, but you still got to write about the characters you wanted to.
Tip 8 – an exotic summary:
This is often the deciding factor in whether someone checks out your fic or not. The best way to get people to check out your fic is to make your summary suspenseful. Ex. [The strawhats were running for their life from Akianu. Just as they were about to make it, a flaming fist struck and killed Zoro.] Now anyone reading this summary will want to know the situation the strawhats got themselves into. They'll read the story, to find out what will happen. Even if your story has nothing to do with any of what the summary said, people won't know until they read the fic. If you feel that this is a cheap thing to do, then you can cop out of the summary with a simple "blah blah blah awoke from their nightmare".
Tip 9 – blackmail everyone:
There are two types of blackmail that you'll have to incorporate to get more reviews. The first one is the classic, "I won't post a new chapter until I get x reviews." Do this once your fic has a few steady followers that are hooked to the story. The other kind of blackmail is called super blackmail. It's when you blackmail not only the followers of your fanfic, but also other people in your life. Have a deviantart account. Don't post any new pictures until you get x reviews of your fanfic. Have a youtube account. Don't post any new videos until you get x reviews of your fanfic. Have children. Don't feed them dinner until you get x reviews on your fanfic. This level of blackmail will surely lead to your success as the people dependent on you will be forced to R&R.
Tip 10 – anonymous:
So you've followed steps 1 – 9, but still don't have the reviews you want. Well then desperate times call for desperate measures in your quest for reviews. Turn off your anonymous review blocker, then log out of your account. Then review your own stories as an anonymous person. Add as many anonymous reviews as you can that all praise your work. Then when fanfic readers see how many reviews your stories have, they'll R&R it themselves. This is the ultimate technique to get the readers and reviewers that you want.
Well I hope that the following tips will allow you to succeed in your quest for readers and reviewers.
AN: For those who couldn't tell this is a parody, and not to be taken seriously. :)