Sarah never could do small talk. Never initiate. That portion of the social world existed as a gallery. She was but a window shopper able to engage and smile when something tickled her bone, but then, just that easy, she could put her head down and ignore it. Make it disappear. It. Them.
It seemed to be the reason she couldn't connect to people as easily as she liked and why she loathed small talk with Irv. A butcher she'd made up that he was. Sarah spotted a tiny cleaver key chain, rough fingers, and the ever-present scent of freezer burn upon him.
"You know what I mean-," he grunted as he looked up from his coffee.
She only had the time to when his coffee cup hit his lips, to when his eyes would be on her to participate.
"Riiiight," she answered nervously.
She had no idea what he was going on about, and frankly she didn't care.
The screech of the tires and the cartoonish sounding man had announced her arrival. Saved by the bus. Sarah hastily got up and off the rolling cage and walked the half-block to the gun range. She had promised herself to get more training for her use of mace but instead the lessons escalated to a new weapon of choice; a gun.
"Do you know what ammunition you might need?"
Sarah nodded. She'd bought a cheap glock for just a little over five-hundred dollars from another dealer two months earlier. The clerk slid the box across the counter and Sarah took her protective ear, and eye-wear towards the back.
The first shots startled her but soon every squeeze of the trigger became a taut catch and release. Little pieces of her breath lost and then swiftly returned. Each recoil of her weapon giving her a mini-high.
"Ouch," Sarah hissed under her breath.
The slide lock had pinched the purlicue on her hand. Damned used gun. The first drop of blood spattered on the floor and then onto his shoe. Sarah's eyes darted up.
"Missed a spot," he grumbled.
"I'm sorry," Sarah answered quietly.
He bent down waxing his worn handkerchief to his boot.
"There's a first aid kit, they keep it on the wall over here."
Sarah followed him over to the spot and leaned against the ledge as he popped it open.
"You'll have to tell me if I'm doing this right," he stated.
He had more humor to his tone now, a playfulness in his eyes; with the just tiniest smile.
"How would you know if I knew you weren't doing it correctly?" Sarah asked.
"You're a doctor, aren't you?" he asked.
"I am, but-," Sarah started.
"-I guess I haven't seen you around the ED as much," he interrupted.
"That's right, you're Will's brother, the cop."
"Detective," he corrected her, sternly.
"Right, it's been a while…," she said staring past him, "I guess I must've talked myself out of it being you."
"Why's that?" he asked.
"I figure a cop-I mean detective, would use the gun range at his precinct."
Sarah stared at his face; waited patiently for a response, but Jay was looking down and he did not appear to be preparing to answer her question. He finished dabbing the cut and was now wrapping a band aid around it. He returned the supplies to the closet and then closed it. Jay turned and walked to his spot on the range as Sarah walked to hers. They were fitting their ear protection on when Sarah stopped and turned to Jay. Feeling her eyes on him he glanced over.
"Thank you," Sarah said as she adjusted her glasses.
Jay nodded and then yelled.
"Range is hot!"
Sarah turned to her target and squeezed the trigger.
Two days earlier.
"I think presented with what see here there is an absolute case for this being some kind of head injury and not schizophrenia," Daniel argued.
"But Dr. Charles, he has long family history of schizophrenia; his father, his uncle. This family is desperate, and they can barely afford this visit let alone the scan he needs to verify your diagnosis, which I don't believe he even has!" Sarah insisted.
"You know Sarah, I've been doing this awhile and maybe just maybe I might know what I'm talking about."
"Dr. Charles-," Sarah started.
"-The answer is no kiddo. Send him back to the ED," Daniel stated coolly as he walked away.
His behavior had been like this ever since his return to the ED. He hadn't really been treating patients and it wasn't just Sarah who'd noticed. Dr. Kwon, Sharon, Connor, Robin, everyone who really knew him had become concerned with his behavior since he'd returned. Sarah was more frustrated than angry. She couldn't put her finger on the exact moment she realized the change in him, but it was sometime after the shooting and had only gotten worse after the trial. Daniel was barely seeing any patients, he locked himself in his office doing research and signing off on rounds from the residents, but he was one of the few psychiatrists on staff with the expertise and skill at treating some of the more severe mental illnesses and personality disorders. But Daniel wasn't having any of it. There was always an excuse; an assessment to be written, or paperwork that needed immediate attention. None of it have been nearly as alarming as when he went to trial and changed his testimony on Kellogg's state of mind. He had deterred from the initial assessment and the consensus he and Sarah agreed upon. Sarah's testimony sealed Kellogg's fate and added new strain to her working relationship with Daniel. So, there was no going back; she wasn't sending this patient back to the ED.
Jay had been using the private club for almost a week. When he wasn't with Camila he was shooting at the gun range or drinking at her bar. Fiscally it made more sense for him to be at the department's range, free ammo, and the shooting time gave him credit towards his continuing training certification. But everyone was there; Hailey was there. Although he was still an effective detective he could feel her eyes. On one hand her gaze came across as judgment but also as sympathy; neither were sentiments he felt like entertaining or addressing with her. Jay had things under control, at least with work. He went to grab the other pistol he kept in his gear bag and more ammo before the shine of her blonde hair caught in the corner of his eye.
"Are you following me?" he snapped.
"Damn, not even a hello," Hailey answered flatly.
Jay gave her a sharp look as he carried his small gear bag to the shooting floor.
"Yeah, you got me, I am," Hailey admitted.
"Why?" Jay asked with the same annoyed tone.
"You know why," she quipped back.
"I told you I'm good," he insisted as he pulled his gun from the bag.
Hailey eyed his actions. Jay caught her with that same dichotomous look of judgement and pity.
"You haven't been to psych to get cleared… since Luis."
"Really Hailey," he remarked both surprised and offended, "Like I said, I'm handling it."
Hailey pursed her lips as he walked away. She knew he was lying; because she'd followed him to more than just the gun range.
"Lucy, would you be so kind as to explain to an old man what I'm seeing here," Dr. Charles asked his nurse gently but emergently irritated.
"Of course, Doctor Charles, this is the list of patients you're supposed to evaluate tomorrow," she answered precisely.
He gave her a tight nod and looked back down at the digital notepad before walking off to find Sarah.
She had been in the ED, circumventing his advisement and getting Gregory Dekker into psych treatment and then to the state hospital per a recommendation; from who, well she hadn't figured out that tricky detail yet. She hadn't planned much, but to do the right thing, and the right thing wasn't always easy; but it was always right. Sarah noticed on Dekker's chart that a flag for confirmation was sent to the C.O.P…Daniel.
"Shit," said whispered to herself.
Before she could think of what to do next a man yelling in the ED caught everyone's attention.
"Please! I need help!" he shouted.
"Sir, if you could go back to the front and wait your turn someone will be with you shortly," Maggie answered curtly.
"There won't be time for that because by then my wife will be dead."
The blood ran cold in everyone's veins in the ED as Maggie looked to the man with shock now.
A heavily pregnant woman waddled next to him.
"Ben, calm down that isn't going to happen," she begged, "I'm his wife and I am fine."
"Not if I'm in the house, I don't know what I'll do," he responded but he wouldn't make eye contact with his wife.
Maggie looked around for some sort of rescue and spotted Sarah.
"Dr. Reese, I need you!" she yelled over.
Sarah nodded and walked over. The issue with C.O.P confirmation would have to wait.
"Hello, I'm Dr. Reese, what seems to be the issue?"
He stared at her white jacket and read her field of expertise. The information seemed to allow him to exhale the breath he'd been holding.
"Oh, thank god, I need to be restrained, and kept away from my wife," he said urgently.
The heavily pregnant woman just rolled her eyes in exhaustion.
"How about we find somewhere private to speak," Sarah answered with a reassuring half-smile.
"No! No more talking! I have done enough talking I need to be locked up!" he shouted.
"Do you want me to call Dr. Charles?" Maggie whispered from the corner of her mouth.
"No, it's alright, I got this," Sarah answered, "Well all of the rooms to admit you to the psych wing are upstairs, but I still need to do an evaluation before you're admitted," Sarah stated confidently.
She had no intention of locking this man up. Patients who needed that kind of restraint weren't known for asking for it beforehand. Sarah walked him up and then dropped him off in an interview room and ran to the cafeteria to ask a small favor of the staff. Just barely missing a fuming Daniel.
His hand was twitching just like it did the night he was shot. A reminder to stay alive; stay awake. It had now become a trigger. The moment between not knowing if he was going to have a full-on panic attack or persevere and contain the enormity of his emotions. He took a deep breath and stopped off the elevator to ask Maggie if she'd seen Sarah.
"She just took Ben, Mrs. Samuels husband upstairs Dr. Charles…actually would you mind escorting her up?" Maggie asked giving Holly a supportive pat on the shoulder.
Although still angry, Daniel never passed up the chance to perform an act of gentlemanly courtesy, so he stuck his arm out and she followed the way. It was one of the few times he'd allowed himself to be completely alone with a stranger, albeit a fairly harmless one; but the calmness was welcomed.
And it could've placated him had he not caught site of the stressed residents banging at one of their interview room doors.
"Wait right here, Ms. Samuels," Daniel said.
He wanted to see what all the commotion was about.
"She's locked herself in!" one intern exclaimed.
Daniel looked through the two-way glass to see Sarah sitting. Ben was pacing back and forth.
"I think about what it would be like to bash her skull in and see bits of her brains. I dream of pushing her down the stairs to see how her bones would break. I constantly think about slicing her neck open and just watching the blood pour out," he admitted frantically.
"Okay, I think we should try something," Sarah began, "Please have a seat."
Ben stared at Sarah and the mysterious package she had her hand placed upon.
"If you believe you are actually capable of killing someone, then here."
She began unfolding the cloth until the shine of the knife revealed itself.
His eyes went wide, and his breath quickened. Ben slowly reached across the table and traced the outline of the blade. Almost savoring its profile; a macabre fantasy seconds away from the tip of his fingers.
"You can try it out here and now Ben," Sarah stated confidently, "Then you'd still have your wife to cut up."
He stared at her as his fingers continued lightly traced the blade. Sarah slowly slid her curls into her hands pinning them up and out of the way; exposing her neck. Their eyes were now locked in a fierce-cool stare. Sarah slowly unbuttoned the next button on her top, revealing more flesh; a landscape of violent harvest for Ben. He eyed the enticing gesture and almost as if a hypnotist had snapped their finger and told him it was time to wake-up; he did.
"See, you were never going to hurt anyone, we can't always control our thoughts, but we don't have to be ruled by them either and most importantly we can choose to not act upon them."
Sarah gave him a small half-smile and got up. His shoulders slumped and the anticipation in his eyes flamed out.
"I'll have the nurse work up your discharge papers," Sarah said.
Before closing the door Ben finally spoke up.
"Thank you," he acknowledged shakily.
Sarah nodded and closed the door. No matter what happened with the C.O.P for Dekker Sarah felt good; until she saw him.
"Dr. Reese, a word, now."
Sarah hadn't realized the parade of residents and medical students gathered around her interview room; to see if the man would actually do it. But it was the angry bull coming in the shape of Daniel Charles who finally helped her realize the gravity of the situation. She followed him to his office. The hard snap of the door foreshadowed his sentiment.
"Dr. Charles before you begin, I had everything under control-," she started.
"-Oh, we'll get to whatever that-heck-that was back there in a minute. What part of send Mr. Dekker back to the ED sounds like admit Mr. Dekker to Pysch? Am I not still the Chief of Psychiatry here?" He asked petulantly.
"You are but-…you haven't been acting like it lately," Sarah answered.
Daniel stopped surprised.
"I think you are misdiagnosing patients because you don't want to deal with any-," she continued.
"Mr. Dekker did not complain of a head injury and he had no history of substantial head trauma but had clear indicators of schizophrenia!" Sarah pleaded, "But that would heighten the chance of him being a violent patient and recently you haven't behaved like you want to take on any of those cases."
Sarah's voice was urgent, professional, but also empathetic.
"We aren't talking about me right now Dr. Reese we are talking about you," he quipped back.
His voice was pointed like an arrow and his hand had begun twitching again.
"Yes, we are, your judgment has been-," Sarah began, her voice heightened.
"-My judgement! I just watched you lock yourself in a room with a patient and a weapon and we are talking about my judgement!"
"You're afraid! And I think you might have PTSD, the stand-off behavior with the patients and the-," Sarah began gesturing to his hand.
"Do not finish that sentence Dr. Reese! As of today, you are suspended from my service for the next two weeks!"
"Daniel!"
There was only one person who spoke his designation so commonly, so familiar; Sharon. The click of door was as instant as her arrival.
She stood in the hall; right outside the outline of the door frame. Sarah looked over at her and then excused herself from the situation. Sharon closed the door behind Sarah as she exited.
"You hired her because she thinks for herself, but this is the second time you've used it against her…I got to say Daniel, this is not what I expected from you when you took her into your service."
"Why does everyone seem to want to challenge my judgment today?" Daniel asked irritated.
"Because since the trial your judgement has been questionable!" she snapped back.
"Not you too Sharon," Daniel remarked defeatedly before retreating into his chair.
Sharon pursed her lips together shook her head.
"We're not done talking about this Daniel," she finished before walking towards the door to chase Sarah down.
"Dr. Reese," she called pointedly.
"Ms. Goodwin," Sarah answered looking down.
She felt ashamed at being suspended. But Sharon's understanding eyes forced hers up.
"I don't know how to handle this, he needs help, but he isn't in a position to accept any and now it's messing with my job," Sarah replied.
Her cheeks were flushed pink at the realization.
"You let me worry about that," Sharon said as she put her hand to Sarah's back.
She turned them toward to the elevator and led them to her office.
"Have a seat Sarah," she offered.
Sarah sat down, arms crossed in frustration.
"I know there's a lot happening with Daniel and those who can, will speak with him about it, in the meantime I have a favor I need to ask of you."
Sarah perked up wondering what Goodwin could possibly need her help on.
"A friend of mine from the CPD would like an evaluation done, kind of off the books for one of his detectives," Sharon said as she slid a file folder to Sarah. "I will ask Dr. Kwon to sign off on your notes. All of the details and concerns are in the folder. The quicker he knows what's going on with the detective the better," Sharon finished.
Sarah grabbed the folder and opened it and then looked up.
"I guess I'll have some free time…," Sarah started.
She opened the folder to see who the patient was before looking up at Sharon and saying;
"I'll stop by the station tomorrow."
Cops used to make Sarah nervous after all they were just people with guns; albeit unstable ones per her folder. But now she felt equal to them. Since finishing her gun safety and training classes she felt empowered and secure. She was almost to the stairs of the precinct when she saw him come out. The door practically swinging open as he dramatically skipped down the stairs. There was an air of agitation in his movement and it was explained by his partner coming out seconds later, looking around and then quickly heading in his direction.
Sarah watched them and then quickly ran back to her car and followed his partner. When she finally arrived down the gravel road tearing at her compact car she realized they were at the gun range. Sarah stayed a while looking through his folder; watching nothing happen. Soon his partner emerged, and Sarah quickly sunk down into her seat. His partner went to her vehicle and drove it farther out to a spot in the lot; hiding. Jay came out twenty minutes after; hopped in his truck. Driving away; like a magnet his partner was behind him.
Sarah sat up and got out of her car and walked into the gun store at the front of the range.
"Hi, how can help you?" the man behind the counter asked.
"How do you become a member of this gun range?" she asked.