this is for the fic exchange on fire is catching (which y'all should join!). this fic is for the lovely isha, and i'm really glad that i got her in the exchange as she's one of my best online friends and i love her to pieces. she's just quit ffn so i hope i can still get her to read this. i love you, isha.
this is also for the fandoms challenge on hpfc. :)
i don't own the hunger games or the before i fall quote that is in here. bonus points if you spot it ;)
She comes back from the games and Finnick is afraid. He saw it on the television, of course, how Annie went mad, but he thought that she'd be better, somehow, when he saw her in person. But she isn't, not in the slightest. And he doesn't know how he's going to get her through her interview because she's… she's mad.
And he wonders if she still feels the way she felt before the games about him. Maybe she sees him as sick and twisted now—he sent her into the games. Not on purpose—he never wanted it to be Annie in there, she volunteered herself—but he's been in the games and killed innocent children.
Not for the first time, Finnick wonders if he is sick. Perhaps the whole world is sick and twisted. Nearly everyone in this world will kill others to stay alive—a fact that the games prove. It is rare that people die in the Hunger Games simply because they will not kill, even to protect themselves.
The ultimate battle in the Hunger Games is against oneself, and Finnick knows that. It's the battle where you tell yourself that you are going to be killing people because you have to; you have to kill other people to stay alive. Oh, the things people will do to stay alive. Life is the greatest prize in this world—Finnick doesn't know of anybody around him who wants to die. To him, it seems as though the world is striving to live.
He misses the old Annie. He misses her smiling and laughing. And he misses how feisty she was, how much of a fighter she was. He misses her kissing him when they were supposed to be talking about tactics. He misses everything about her because he feels like Annie has disappeared and left a shadow in her place.
Is that shadow still Annie? He doesn't know. He hopes that she's somewhere in there, waiting for him.
He still loves her. No matter what, she is his Annie.
But he is afraid of what may come.
.
Sometimes it seems like they are still stuck in the past. He knows that with every second that goes by, with every breath she takes, Annie is reliving every moment of her Hunger Games and he hates how she's feeling and how she shakes. He hates how she screams because she shouldn't have to—she should be okay and happy because she won the Games and isn't that all that matters?
He realises that Annie is better than him, in a way, for going mad. She realised how terrible the Games were. Finnick has killed people—countless people, and he feels remorse now, but he didn't, then. Annie may be like a child now, but she feels remorse. Oh, she feels remorse, anyone can tell that from the screams that rip through her and the shakes that begin and the sobs that seem to fill up the whole of District Four. Everyone can tell that Annie is broken.
.
Annie is always tip-toed around. People never quite know what to say, how to act, where to sit. A single word can send her into a fit, screaming and crying and shaking. People have learnt, now, to send for Finnick or Mags when she is in a state—they are the only ones who can help bring her back to reality.
But she's never really in reality, is she? She's always looking back at her Games and thinking that she is a monster. They're all monsters, aren't they, those who have killed in the Games.
"We are all monsters," she told Finnick once. "I do not know a single person who wouldn't kill to save their own life."
For a mad girl, Annie is remarkably wise.
.
Finnick doesn't know if Annie knows he loves her. He can't say what he's feeling because he's afraid that she might have changed—and what if she has? What will he do then, if she doesn't love him anymore? People would laugh, if they knew. The great Finnick Odair, a coward in the face of love.
He doesn't want Annie to be a mistake, either, a drunken fling or a few days wasted. He wants to be with Annie when it is perfect, when they're both okay and happy and—
He starts to realise that maybe that time will never come.
Perhaps he should just tell her. Thing is, he feels further apart from her since she came back from her games. Do they still belong in this world of vicious games and monsters? Or are they something different? And most importantly; is that good or bad?
Perhaps Finnick is just pretending that things might be okay. But, maybe, with Annie, he can be better.
(It occurs to him that maybe it should be the other way around, but he's not sure if he's okay anymore when he's not got Annie.)
.
"I miss you," Annie says to him one day, walking next to him through District Four.
"I haven't left your side for a week, Annie," he tells her.
She turns to look at him. "I know. I want to go swimming now,"
While they're swimming together, Finnick thinks about what Annie said. Maybe she's right—maybe he hasn't really been there at all. He decides that he will be there for Annie, now. And he decides he'll tell her that he loves her. Because he does—and he's always going to be there for her, helping her fight off her shadows of the past. Because he realises now that he has what Annie has, just not as bad. He'll always be reliving his games now.
It's strange—it is Annie that has made him realise he was a monster (maybe he still is) but it is also Annie who has made him believe in true love. It's Annie who makes him not want to pretend he doesn't love her anymore.
And maybe things aren't okay, maybe Finnick is having to screw Capitol to women to make sure Snow doesn't hurt him, but he thinks that with Annie by his side, he might be able to cope just a little bit better. He wonders if she knows about the Capitol women. He wonders if she'll care.
.
"I love you"
And he can't believe he's finally able to say it but he's standing on a beach in the sunlight and Annie is there and he's telling her—
"I love you. I'm afraid of what will come but I'm not as afraid when you're with me…"
And she's smiling at him and in that moment she seems almost better and he's hoping that maybe she'll recover one day—
"When you're with me, I remember the good in the world. I remember that there's light. You made me realise the wrongs I did and I am sorry for what I have done , I truly am."
And it seems as though the light dancing on the waves is celebrating the story of them, the story of Finnick and Annie and he feels as if, maybe, everything could be okay, just the two of them, together—
"And I know that it's going to be hard because we're not an easy pair but I know that I want to try. I will do anything for our love."
And he looks around them and he sees the sea and the lights dancing around. He sees Annie and she's smiling and she leans into kiss him and it's going to be alright; it is. He looks around and thinks that so many things become beautiful when you really look, because look at Annie and the sea and the sky and everything—
The things he'll do for love are infinite. He knows that times will come where things get harder—because he's not foolish enough to think that everything is over for the two of them, that life will be easy—but he knows that, if he has Annie, he'll be okay. They'll protect each other from the shadows in their past, because with each other, they'll get through.
And just in that one moment, he is happy. It's just Annie and himself standing on a beach. Annie, himself and their infinite love.
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